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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much time does your OH spend with his DM?

105 replies

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 16/03/2016 21:28

We don't live together, so it's probably none of my business, but my OH sees his DM at least 3 times a week for coffee etc (fair enough), feels like he wants us to pop in for a coffee most weekends (bit much some weekends, I think), she calls him most days, texts him several times a day. Often the calls/texts are late in the evening or in a weekend afternoon when we're spending time together with or without all the DCs.

I can't seem to help but find it a little bit annoying. I wouldn't if he only saw her a couple of times a month, but he rarely goes 2 days without seeing her.

The other day we were face timing and she arrived at his house, and he promptly turned the phone round to join her into the conversation. He'd just asked me how I was feeling (bit worse for wear at the moment) and I felt like I had to end the conversation as didn't fancy a three way! He didn't even leave the room to carry on talking privately to me, so I just wrapped up the call.

AIBU to think this is a bit much, or is this normal? Happy to be told!

OP posts:

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 08:02

Again I don't have expectations of him to 'give up' his contact with her! I've never said that.

If we lived together, I guess I would feel differently. But as we only get weekends together, I know if that were my DS, if leave him to it for a day or two.

Maybe I'm the weird one there!

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Onthedowns · 17/03/2016 08:03

I sympathise my DH is similar and we now have two young children. It's not the closeness I object to mil puts huge guilt complex on DH and uses him as an emotional crutch. Many a time we as a family have come second and in certain circumstances it's not ok. My DH suffers anxiety and funds it hard to say no to his dm and if he does feels incredibly guilty after! It can become stressful. She is very me me orientsted. We have a 2 week old in scbu and all we have heard is how hard it is for her!

curren · 17/03/2016 08:15

And I'd like to think I will be respectful of his life as he grows up, and not expect 24/7 open access to him.

She is respectful, because he is happy with the status quo

I know if that were my DS, if leave him to it for a day or two.

You don't know that. Because you aren't in that situation.

AppleSetsSail · 17/03/2016 08:18

My husband doesn't really see his mother without me, it's typically a family affair. They will occasionally have lunch together when he's at work.

When they are in town (they live here part-time) we see them 2-3 times a week and that can be hard work. I really love them but my MIL likes to sit around and talk for hours, and I like to go to bed early!

Chocolatteaddict1 · 17/03/2016 08:20

It all depends on what you find acceptable I suppose.

I speak daily to my DGM on the phone. Dh doesn't mind.

But I really struggled st how intense Dh dp were. They had split up and we're living at friends/new partners and basically used our house as a bloody base. They would each call in two three times a day so it felt like one of them was here all day. Weekend was worse. In the end I started locking the door, going out when they came in or just going bed. It was too much.

op if your dp wants to see his mother you can't really object to it. I'd just start saying 'ok I'll just pop to xxx and have a brew with her" or think of something else to do

Chocolatteaddict1 · 17/03/2016 08:25

Also with my dd1(20) when she moved in with her BF I used to text her most days but I didn't expect her to continuously come and see me as she has her own life to lead. I think sometimes parents need to let go and admire from a short distance with out having to compete for attention.

My mil got upset Dh brought some roses for valentines for me. She actually thought they were for her because it was her 1st one alone That was awkward.

Floisme · 17/03/2016 08:41

I think it's right that parents take a step back when their kids are grown and have their own lives. What I don't think is reasonable is where there's a different measure for mothers of sons and mothers of daughters.

I'd have been more comfortable with this thread if it had been called 'How often do parents see their adult children?'

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 09:03

Fair point Floisme

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Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 09:06

I think Chocolate and others have seen my point. I guess it's about letting grown children lead their own lives.

My DM gets this just right for me and my DSis and DB, as in it works for her and for us.

For other parent/adult children relationships, it's unique to them. I just wanted a broad view to ensure I stay fair in my thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like it's borderline intrusive but maybe I need to adjust my thinking.

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VillageFete · 17/03/2016 09:09

This subject (Mother & Son relationships) fascinates me since I joined Mumsnet. I don't tend to see that many issues between MIL/DIL in real life, but it's certainly prevalent on here.

My DP's place of work is right by his Mum's, so he calls in a few times a week. They don't go for coffee or anything together though, but she does with his brother. He might call her once a week to see how things are. She sees our DD about once a week on average. I think this is quite normal? That being said, if I had a son, i'd love to go for the odd coffee etc together, the same as I hope I would with my DD.

I am probably closer to my Mum than my DP is to his. We don't see each other that much (every other week usually) because we both work & live at other ends of the City, but we speak on the phone about 3 times a week, she is a hands on GP to DD with babysitting etc, and we go out socialising together (meal etc) with DD every month.

curren · 17/03/2016 09:17

Sometimes I feel like it's borderline intrusive but maybe I need to adjust my thinking.

Either that or maybe consider calling it a day. You need to do one or the other or hope that he eventually pulls away a bit. But you can't count on him changing.

If you can't live with it, he may not the right person for you

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 17/03/2016 09:19

I agree with this completely.

PrincessMouse · 17/03/2016 09:57

I think Chocolate and others have seen my point. I guess it's about letting grown children lead their own lives.

I don't understand how a few calls/texts and nipping in to see a parent means the grown child isn't leading their own life. When these calls happen is your DP on the phone for hours on end or is it say 15/20 mins a time? 15/20 in 24hr really isn't that much time.

It reads like the real issue here is your expectations. You want your DP all to yourself, all the time when you are together. that sounds a bit suffocating personally Would it make a difference if the calls he received come from his friends? Or if he wanted to nip in and see a friend over the weekend?

If this is how you feel now then IMHO it doesn't look great for your future MIL / DIL relationship should you move in together. I think you would find his closeness to his mother even more aggravating if you lived together and you realised this type of contact is the norm for them. I think you need to seriously consider how you would feel if this was the norm if you lived together.

Questionsagaintoday · 17/03/2016 10:26

Mil who is lovely btw will call him every Sunday but he invariably forgets to pick up or calls next Sunday

We see them maybe once every two months?

I'll occasionally whatsapp her photos of DS and she'll occasionally text my husband a week before family birthdays to remind him to send a card

notinagreatplace · 17/03/2016 10:28

I think it’s strange to expect him to prioritise a phone call with you over interacting with someone who has popped by to visit. I think it’s normal to prioritise the person who is there in person and I’d think it was really rude if I popped by to see someone and they said “oh, I’m on the phone with my girlfriend, I will go to another room and finish the call and then come and talk to you”. I suspect you would not be impressed if you turned up to see your OH and he said that.

He is unusually close with his DM, I think it’s fair to say, but I think I would only have an issue with it if it seemed to take over things. So, if we were having a fun day out with the kids, and he kept wandering off to phone his mum, that would be annoying.

WhatColourIsBest · 17/03/2016 10:44

I wonder if you were a Mum of just boys, you'd view this in a different light?

I used to smirk at boys who love their Mum's too much, but since being a mother of boys, I fear losing them completely and would like to be given a wee slot in their adult lives! Well, actually, an important slot, but not a domineering one though. Just enough to still feature.

There's that awful saying: a daughter is yours all of her life, but a son is only yours til he gets a wife. Why should it be ok for females to be close to Mum and have a coffee or daily chat, but not males? If it were the other way round feminists would be shrieking and rightly so.

Op, how often do/did you have contact with your own DM?

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 10:47

Come on PPs who have said it could be a deal breaker relationship wise! Bit ott!

I was just asking for opinions on this one subject, so I can work out if I'm over thinking it or not. I was asking so I can adjust my own feelings on the subject. I'm not going to let it derail my whole relationship, yikes!

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WhatColourIsBest · 17/03/2016 10:50

Btw, I don't smirk at boys who love their mums too much anymore, I've completely changed my mind. I now owe them longingly, hoping that my boys will love me like that!

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 10:51

And yes, if my DM popped in while I was on the phone, as frequently happens, I do wave her in and she comes in and makes herself at home while I wrap up my conversation.

And if that's a conversation of a personal nature, as this one was, I wrap it up in another room, out of respect for the person I was already talking to before DM arrived.

I don't talk for another 20 mins in another room. I'm not rude! But I do respect the person I'm on the phone to equally as I respect the person who popped into my house. And so does my DM actually. She sees that I am mid conversation and happily stays in the background until I have wrapped it up.

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LucilleBluth · 17/03/2016 10:51

WhatColourIsBest.........., the son till he takes a wife saying is utter bullshit.

How about we change it to,.....50% of marriages end in divorce, but a mother is always yours!

VillageFete · 17/03/2016 10:59

Lucille Love that!!! I think it's a terrible saying. My DP is still his Mother's child & always will be. The love he has for me is completely different to the love he has for his Mum, obviously. To be honest I come first, i'm the "main" woman in his life now, but he could stop loving me one day, who knows? Yet he'll never stop loving his Mother. Maybe this is why DIL's get jealous? I'll be completely honest, I would feel threatened if he spent shed loads of time with his Mum, but I wouldn't if it was his Dad. Same way my DP gets a bit when I put my Dad on a pedestal, whereas he doesn't at all with my Mum. He likes to feel he's the number 1 man in my life I suppose and I want to feel like the number 1 woman in his.

Sallystyle · 17/03/2016 11:00

It all depends, it used to be loads.

Now she picks up the children once every three weeks and stays for a coffee for around an hour. In-between she picks them up from school once and stays for a coffee.

She came for dinner last weekend so sometimes it might work out that he sees her once a week, other times he might not see her for two weeks and on the odd occasion three weeks.

I speak to my mum most days and text her a lot as well. I used to see her daily until she moved away.

curren · 17/03/2016 11:05

Come on PPs who have said it could be a deal breaker relationship wise! Bit ott!

No it's not. There are many people that can accept this and then when they get married and have kids it causes huge resentment. They assume things will change when they get married or have the kids. Often they don't.

HawkEyeTheNoo · 17/03/2016 11:06

This makes me sooo sad as the mother of an only DS. My DP pops into see his mum for tea once a week (saves me cooking), will maybe pop in on his way home from work a couple of times a week for half an hour or so and visits her with his DD at the weekends. I love that she calls him or me every day just to check in and see how everyone is, I hope that my DS is going to be the same with me when he is grown and I desperately hope he doesn't meet someone like you who wants to keep him away. I don't mean that as an insult to you, but if I knew DS' GF was keeping him away when he wanted to see me out of love and not duty, you would be writing about me in the nasty MIL threads

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 11:50

Thanks all. I've got a lot of good perspectives from this thread.

Again, I was asking for perspective, not portraying her as MIL from hell or DP as apron-string boy!

I love that he loves his DM! I am very fond of her also. I love my DM too! Happy days

Just a bit of perspective needed, so I can adjust my own feelings/expectations as needed, which I will.

But I still like to think I will leave my DS in piece at 10:30pm on a Friday night that he is spending with his gf! Does that make me a horrible parent?

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