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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much time does your OH spend with his DM?

105 replies

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 16/03/2016 21:28

We don't live together, so it's probably none of my business, but my OH sees his DM at least 3 times a week for coffee etc (fair enough), feels like he wants us to pop in for a coffee most weekends (bit much some weekends, I think), she calls him most days, texts him several times a day. Often the calls/texts are late in the evening or in a weekend afternoon when we're spending time together with or without all the DCs.

I can't seem to help but find it a little bit annoying. I wouldn't if he only saw her a couple of times a month, but he rarely goes 2 days without seeing her.

The other day we were face timing and she arrived at his house, and he promptly turned the phone round to join her into the conversation. He'd just asked me how I was feeling (bit worse for wear at the moment) and I felt like I had to end the conversation as didn't fancy a three way! He didn't even leave the room to carry on talking privately to me, so I just wrapped up the call.

AIBU to think this is a bit much, or is this normal? Happy to be told!

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 17/03/2016 11:50

Come on PPs who have said it could be a deal breaker relationship wise! Bit ott!

It might not be a deal breaker for you, but it may be for him if he realises how little you like him spending time with his own mother and how you seem to resent input from her into his life.

PrincessMouse · 17/03/2016 11:59

Come on PPs who have said it could be a deal breaker relationship wise!

I don't think it's a deal breaker but if your expectation is for it to change should you live together, get married etc. then we will probably be seeing a "MIL is an interfering or clingy so and so" from you some time in the future.

Can you live with their closeness long term?

jeremyisahunt · 17/03/2016 12:16

My boyfriend is best friends with his mum and has been since his father passed away. He supports her financially and mentally.

This was what attracted me to him. He knows how to treat his family and I love him even more for it.

Danlsb · 17/03/2016 12:31

We see mil twice a week and he speaks to her every other day ( although we will prob end up seeing more of her soon as she is moving 5mins down the road! Not looking forward to that as much as he his) although I sometimes find it frustrating I like the fact he cares about her - my ex rarely saw his family and as a result hated me spending time with mine. Do you see or speak to your mum as often? I think for me I'm also glad that dd gets to see her grandparents reg as let's face it they won't be around forever. Also I like to think that when my dc grow up they would still want to see and speak to me reg. I think the phone call was handeled badly by your oh so think you should let him know how it made you feel ( I hope you are recovering )

Chocolatteaddict1 · 17/03/2016 12:42

Actually I think it's s bit creepy when when mothers want there grown adult kids to adore them.

Reminds me of a Alfred Hitchcock film

toffeecrispandacupoftea · 17/03/2016 12:46

I see my mother in law everyday as does my DH but then she only lives a few minutes walk away.

But then that is how my DH was when we met and that is how it has stayed so I knew what to expect. (lucky we get on!)

PoppyFleur · 17/03/2016 12:51

I speak daily with DM & would not be with DH now if he resented that.

Unpleasant thread, I have one DC and feel very sad at the thought of a future where seeing each other weekly would be viewed by some as 'abnormal'.

Notso · 17/03/2016 13:16

DH speaks to his parents couple of times a week and probably visits once a week maybe twice.

His sister and brother are constantly texting PIL and visit daily. It's a bit Royle Family to me but obviously suits them.
I love my parents dearly but happy not to see them or speak to them on a daily basis.

Katedotness1963 · 17/03/2016 13:39

None. We haven't lived in the same country as them for about 15 years. It must be 10 years since he's seen them in person.

Ballnumnums · 17/03/2016 13:59

On another tack..... we have some very close friends (we are all in our early 60's) and we like to spend some time in the week with them, either having an evening meal together at ours or theirs or going for a walk and a pub lunch at the weekend. We are all working so it only happens twice or three times per month and we are only in each other's company for about 3 to 4 hours in total on these occasions, which we all enjoy.

During this time our friend's son and daughter will text, phone, even try and visit (if we are eating at theirs) to "collect" something that can't wait (really important things like a bottle opener!), or to ask advice, to just to check in. It is soooo annoying that we can't even spend a few hours with our friends without their adult children interrupting the flow of our conversations (after all we are putting the world to rights!). Our two children NEVER call or text if they know we are out with our friends!

We went on holiday with these friends once (in England) and it was constant phone calls from their offspring whilst we were sightseeing, visiting cathedrals, at restarants, in the car or half way up a mountain. All calls were dealt with sympathetically by our friends with no sign of short temper.

I brought up my (now adult) kids to make good choices and not to depend on me as I will be a long time dead and I need to know they can cope with whatever life throws at them. It is different if there is need or emergency, and I am not saying never visit or phone an older relative but do allow them some breathing space between calls and visits!!!

Just giving an observation and an alternative view not a criticism and no offense intended xx

LordoftheTits · 17/03/2016 14:25

DP sees his mum for an hour or two every couple of weeks. They only live a ten minute walk away but she has chronic health conditions that mean she sleeps a lot during the day and isn't always up to having visitors when she's awake. She's a lovely, generous, kind woman but she can be a little fussy and demanding.

CountessNatasha · 17/03/2016 14:41

I think whatever you grow up with becomes your "normal", so if you're used to close contact other people seem distant or vice versa.

We both see our parents once a week/fortnight and speak via text daily, on the phone once a week maybe. Works for us and conversations aren't of the 'nosy family drama' sort but just general pleasant conversation of the how are you/what are you having for supper/we saw blah blah at the cinema/children have a rugby match' or whatever so doesn't feel intrusive or expectation loaded.

If someone came to my house and I was on the phone I would wind down the phone call rather than go into another room to finish it tho, that seems rude to me. Also if I was out and about and someone called I'd either not answer if inconvenient or just wrap it up quickly and say we were busy. Presumably he's happy to chat at weekends or spending an evening with you?

CountessNatasha · 17/03/2016 14:43

Also, almost everyone (even me!) is annoying on prolonged contact. That's just family life and you forget and move on! A lot of this is a matter of perspective but on balance its better to have a close family than a fractured of distant relationship I think.

Amummyatlast · 17/03/2016 18:10

I agree with CountessNatasha. I speak to my parents once a week and visit once every few months and so speaking to parents once a day or visiting them a couple of times a week seems odd to me. We do see my in laws more often, but that's only because they live closer.

CPtart · 17/03/2016 18:46

It's a bit much IMO.
We live an hour away from MIL, so maybe once every 4- 6 weeks. She rings twice a week with nothing much to say

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/03/2016 19:29

When I was growing up my maternal grandmother lived equidistant between her ds (my uncle) and my mum, about 20 minutes drive in opposite directions. The arrangement was that she would go for Sunday lunch with my uncle (and his dw and two dc) and my mum (with her two dc) on alternate weekends. She would arrive at about 12, bringing toffees or broken biscuits from the market for us and usually some cuttings or home grown tomato plants or flowers for Mum, we'd all listen to Ed Stewart's Two Way Family Favourites, roast dinner, Nanny would help do the washing up, sometimes a drive out in to the country in the afternoon, otherwise a bit of telly, tea (salmon and cucumber sandwiches and buns or cake) in front of Songs Of Praise and she would drive home again at about 7.30/8.00 ish.

This always struck me as very civilised and SO much nicer than the elaborate staying for the weekend or overnight arrangements I have had to have with my family and inlaws since the dc were born.

I couldn't bear to be expected to speak to my parents every day though! The only people I want to interact with every single day are my children and dh although not always dh either

fudgepillow · 17/03/2016 19:34

Isn't there something about how a man treats his mother is a good guide to the mans general interaction with women ?

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 20:12

I'm glad to see that some people share similar views to me. I will try not to be precious about it, but at least I know I'm not a freak. PPs said its about what your own 'normal' is, and I guess this is just quite different to what I'm used to.

I would mention to DP about the issue of him inviting her to join our FaceTime call about my health issue, but I know he will get defensive on her behalf, so it's easier not to bother, but it was annoying.

Just saw the below link well received on another thread about a nightmarish MIL (which my DP's DM is not, again to reiterate ) and it amazes me how advice and opinions can vary so much!

That MIL is undoubtedly overstepping the mark, so not the same situation at all, but some of the advice in the link is applicable to both.

Disclaimer: I do not agree with everything in the link (disclosure of family finance discussions, need for prior agreement over a 10min phone call at 7:30pm!) but the rest is kind of my point!

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5027_qa.html

OP posts:

woollytights · 17/03/2016 21:24

Their relationship is their business. It's not up to anybody else to decide whether or not it's too much.

If however you feel he's neglecting you, you need to address that with him and leave that poor woman out of it. Of course she's not bloody jealous of you . He's her son.

I see my parents every couple of days at least. I love their company and there is nobody on this earth who could convince me not to. Wanting to isolate your partner from his family is very worrying and controlling.

I don't mean to be harsh but you need to look past all the comments you've had from people gloating about how their MIL lives 800 miles away so never have to see her etc, that's tragic, I really hope my son never ends up in such an unhealthy relationship.

MrsJayy · 17/03/2016 21:54

Its his mum if he wants to pop to see her why is that so wrong nothing wrong with being close to his mother im assuming she lives near by so he is not exactly trecking miles to see her you dont stop being a mother because you have adult children

MrsJayy · 17/03/2016 21:58

When Mil was alive we went a day at the weekend and he popped over to see her a weeknight

OfaFrenchmind2 · 17/03/2016 22:03

Ah, my dad sees his mother everyday after work. She is very old, and lived by herself up to 1 year ago, so it was about making sure she would not go feral, and did not need anything. I think it is really sweet of him, and part of why I think he is the best man I know.
Funnily enough, my mother has never been crazy about her MIL, but never ever expressed any annoyance about that, even if she is very vocal about pretty much anything she is miffed with. I guess she has the same feelings as me: this is a mark of a loving and dutiful man.

Original poster

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2016 22:10

Oh for goodness sake.

Woollytights unhealthy relationship? Please.

MrsJavy I never said I thought it was 'wrong', just asked for opinions on what other people's 'normal' is, as it's not the same as mine

RTFT please.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 17/03/2016 22:16

I lold @ feral mother I live near my mum i see her every other day

MrsJayy · 17/03/2016 22:18

I didnt say you said it was wrong i said its that so wrong I asked a question you dont need to be so touchy I did read the thread

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