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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Waiting for apology for sister's jezza kyle style behaviour at wedding

97 replies

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 00:45

7 years ago me and DH got married. It wasn't a big affair - a registry office ceremony followed by a catered buffet and drinks at our home. This was what we wanted - we decided and set the date for 8 weeks later (no reason for the quick date, just decided it was what we wanted) and we so grateful for the presence of those that could make it (and grateful for the well wishes we received from those that couldn't make it). Overall it was a good day (a few hiccups along the way but hey, stuff happens). My mum had our daughter (well my daughter, husbands step daughter but he raises her as his own) and it would have been the first night we had all night alone - since dating and eventually moving in together (we weren't having a honeymoon). The problem arose when my sister had far too much to drink. I said to her then boyfriend that he was more than welcome to leave the car at our house and my husband could come collect him in the morning for him to pick up the car (my sister was drinking and he was on soft drinks so that he could get them back to the hotel they were staying at). She completely wigged out that I had told him that he could leave the car and not said it to her. She kicked off so much that the whole affair ended with the police at our house and us putting her boyfriend up on our couch (she went back to the hotel).

So fast forward to now, she is getting married and I don't want to go to the wedding as she has never even apologized about what happened and the way she behaved. When asked whether we could make her wedding, told her no and told her why (no apology) and she completely ignored my response - just started saying how busy she is and how she hasn't got two minutes to rub together hence why she hasn't been to our house (which is fine, would quite happily go no contact but she keeps getting in touch).

My mother says I am being unreasonable for not going with my husband and children, as all she will have family wise at the wedding is her, my brother, nan and uncle who lives with nan. So am I being UR or not?

Sorry for such long post and any typos and grammatical errors - trying to be quick as computer keeps switching itself off mid task!

OP posts:

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 13/03/2016 00:48

It's an invitation, not a summons. Do as you want.

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/03/2016 00:48

Lol you bore a grudge for 7 years?
If you have been otherwise engaging with her in the interim, then it is batshit crazy to drag this up now. She must think you are bonkers.

IloveAntbuthateDec · 13/03/2016 00:50

If you want to go and watch your sister getting married then go. If you don't then don't. Nobody else can make your mind up for you. Its your choice

Joopy · 13/03/2016 00:50

It was a long time ago. Why were the police called? How old was your sister when you got married? Assuming she hasn't done anything similar since I would go to the wedding. It would be a shame for you to miss out on a family occasion.

Tartyflette · 13/03/2016 01:00

Sorry, am finding some parts a bit puzzling -- was it her car or her BF's? I suppose that might make a difference.
And if BF wasn't drinking why couldn't he drive them back to the hotel? Or were you saying he could leave the car so that he could have a drink?
Did she somehow misunderstand something?
If not, it seems yr DSis's reaction was completely over the top. Is she often like this when she's had a few?
And I can understand that it must have put a bit of a dampener (to say the least!) on your own celebration.
So that, coupled wth never having received an apology for her behaviour, i would say YANBU about not wanting to go to her wedding. Imagine if she overdoes the booze again, at her own wedding this time. Could be horrible.

Original poster

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 01:00

madwomanbackintheattic I have interacted when she has spoken to me, not gone out of my way to be friendly with her and not been the one to make contact but not been down right rude - maybe I should have been????

joopy the police were called after she had been f-ing and blinding and I tried to get her to stay (I stood in front of the door and asked her to stay until she calmed down as we did not live in the most salubrious of neighbourhoods at the time and I was genuinely concerned about her wandering off into the dead of night in a vulnerable state), she refused and said I was holding her against her will so I stepped away as there was no talking to her. The next thing police are at the door (she rang them - after I had stepped away)- they spoke to me, husband, best man and then said she needed to sleep it off and took her back to the hotel. She was 23/24 at the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 01:06

It was her boyfriends car, she doesn't drive. We (DH and I) said he could leave the car if he wished to have a drink and my husband would collect him in the morning so he could come back and get the car from our house before they drove home. Yes she can be like this after having a drink sometimes (I beleive - though don't have much to do with her now so couldn't be certain) . Her issue with me originally was that I directed the invite to leave the car to her bf (who was the driver) and not passing the message through her (bf was stood with us at the time).

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2016 01:06

YABU to use her not apologising as the reason not to go to her wedding, surely if you got on it'd be irrelevant after 7 years, it looks an implausible excuse and like you've waited all that time to punish her.

If you don't like her and don't want to go it'd probably be better to say so rather than look as though you've scrabbled around for a reason and that's the best you could come up with.

I don't have anything against remembering what a twat someone is for 7 years (I have a good memory), but if that was the last time she fucked you off and she was pissed as well, I think that's pretty good going actually for a family member

GoBigOrange · 13/03/2016 01:06

Is it just me thinking OP could always attend and have her revenge by getting incredibly drunk and causing a big scene...

Italiangreyhound · 13/03/2016 01:07

You are not being unreasonable in not going.

But in your shoes i woudl try and work this one out, forgive her for what happened and go to the wedding, because I love weddings and I love family events.

if she repeated this clearly appalling behaviour, I would feel differently.

Seven years is a long time to hold a grudge. But in the end it is up to you.

IoraRua · 13/03/2016 01:07

She sounds a disgrace.
If you don't want to go, and she's never shown the slightest bit of guilt at how she behaved, don't go.

Original poster

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 01:12

I tolerate her - I'm not her friend - no great loss if she is in my life or not (which is a horrible feeling to have about your sister - but it is how it is). So maybe I should be brutally honest with her - you are probably right - but if she had have apologized for her behaviour then maybe we could have started building bridges, I don't know and maybe I might have gone and been a guest at her wedding. Quite frankly being questioned by the police in your wedding dress (because your sister is a drunken loon), on what should be one of the happiest days of your life (after the birth of children of course!) is quite shit!

OP posts:

Blu · 13/03/2016 01:13

Why don't you actually go on Jezza and have it out with her there? And get it sorted out on the programme as to whether to go to the wedding?

I am sure the producers could track down her then boyfriend.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 13/03/2016 01:17

Is she marrying the bf of 7 ,years ago?
Tbh it's 7 years ago. I'd probably go but leave as soon as was respectable and treat it like a distant relative's wedding. No malice but no involvement.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 13/03/2016 01:19

Don't go OP. I am NC with my sister for similar crap to this. This is why there won't be many people there, because she's an arse! It's the simple law of actions and consequences. If/when she asks you if you are going just say, 'Hell no. WTF would I?' and have done with it.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/03/2016 01:20

Does she even remember what happened? If she was that drunk and no one pulled her up about it at the time maybe she doesn't know.

CakeNinja · 13/03/2016 01:20

It does all seem a bit JK, but from you aswell as her

The grudge has clearly been hanging over you for 7 years?! Either say yes or no, no real need to drag the dramas from nearly a decade up. You've said no. Leave it at that, it's really nothing to do with your mum.

If you were wanting an apology, you should have asked for it years ago. It's petty to not go because you never received an apology. You can not want to go for any reason, which is fine. You don't need to rake up the past unless you want more drama and attention about your wedding. Which was 7 years ago!

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2016 01:24

'Is it just me thinking OP could always attend and have her revenge by getting incredibly drunk and causing a big scene...'

...while giving a live update on MN.

Maybe OP could get her sister to post the alternate viewpoint thread while the speeches are going on?

I'm not sure being brutally honest with your sister is a good way to go either OP, there's no way of saying 'I hate you and would rather stick hot pins in my eyes than go to your wedding' without WWIII widely breaking out so it includes all your family members.

But 'no, I'm not sure we're going because we're not really close' is a more understandable general reason to give to people than 'I'm getting her back for ruining my wedding' IYSWIM?

Even more low key is saying you're going and then not turn up.

Would it be fair to say that you're spoiling for a fight with her? (nothing wrong in that like, but you don't seem to want to admit it)

Original poster

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 01:28

Yes, seven years is an awful long time to hold a grudge, and I feel like a completely childish, idiot for having a grudge for so long - but I just can't get past that she has no remorse for her actions - not so much as a sheepish apology (better than nothing) and my wedding day will forever have hanging over it the police being at my home because she was knocking back alcohol like it was going out of fashion. I will never have that day again, which is fine - I did the most important thing - I married my husband. But still, her actions and the consequences of her actions hurt and the fact that now she wants me to come and play happy families on her wedding day and swoon at how amazing her day is - doesn't appeal and being told by my mother that I am being unreasonable for not doing so makes me want to internally scream. I guess I am just bitter

OP posts:

JeanGenie23 · 13/03/2016 01:29

Hey Op, after reading this " Quite frankly being questioned by the police in your wedding dress (because your sister is a drunken loon), on what should be one of the happiest days of your life (after the birth of children of course!) is quite shit!" I do understand how frustrated and let down you feel by her and why you would need an apology, however if she hasn't given you one after 7yrs you aren't going to get one. So you have to make a choice do you let it go and attend her wedding, or do you not go and accept that you aren't really ever going to be in each other's lives.

I think you should be upfront with her and say look you ruined my wedding, I am struggling with whether I should bother coming to yours. I suspect it will be your mom that gets hurt the most in this.

LizKeen · 13/03/2016 01:34

After 7 years the only person this grudge is affecting is you. It clearly means nothing to her. So you need to let it go, for your own sake.

If you have no relationship with her to the point that you don't want to attend her wedding then that is fair enough and entirely your choice. But I think YWBU to tell her the reason you aren't going is because she never apologised. After 7 years it just makes you petty and as childish as her.

My SIL overshadowed my day in a few ways, though nothing as dramatic as your events, and I don't generally have a great relationship with her. But I just can't see myself not going to her wedding. It would be petty, and I would rather keep the high ground, and the peace.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2016 01:36

What does your mum say about the way she behaved at your wedding and the fact that she hasn't apologised?

Have you ever asked her to say sorry and acknowledge that she hurt you and was out of order?

LizKeen · 13/03/2016 01:38

Xposts.

You don't have to gush and be excited or play happy families. Just attend, rise above it. Keep your presence low key.

If you don't go then her shitty behaviour will become twisted into you being horrible. Don't let that happen.

Original poster

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 01:52

AgentZigZag My mum was at first annoyed with her though never said anything to her - just verbalized it to me (she was drunk from very early on, so much so that my daughter (7 at the time) was upset that in her drunken state her aunty/my sister broke something that had a lot of meaning to my daughter - albeit accidently - but still even now 7 years later she still mentions this item/her aunty breaking this thing as she was drunk). My mum has never been one for telling my sister she is in the wrong - even when she raised her hands to my mother. Now my mother doesn't really say anything other than I am not being fair to my sister - that is over and done with and I shouldn't ruin my sisters day by not going, as that is so unfair on her (my sister).

OP posts:

notquitehuman · 13/03/2016 02:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be pissed off too, and I'm not sure I'd be able to resist the temptation to turn up and get shitfaced at her wedding.

Don't do that though. Go for a nice weekend away and ignore the craziness. Or just get last minute 'food poisoning' and cancel the night before. It's better than starting a punch up.

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