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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Waiting for apology for sister's jezza kyle style behaviour at wedding

97 replies

Wannabees · 13/03/2016 00:45

7 years ago me and DH got married. It wasn't a big affair - a registry office ceremony followed by a catered buffet and drinks at our home. This was what we wanted - we decided and set the date for 8 weeks later (no reason for the quick date, just decided it was what we wanted) and we so grateful for the presence of those that could make it (and grateful for the well wishes we received from those that couldn't make it). Overall it was a good day (a few hiccups along the way but hey, stuff happens). My mum had our daughter (well my daughter, husbands step daughter but he raises her as his own) and it would have been the first night we had all night alone - since dating and eventually moving in together (we weren't having a honeymoon). The problem arose when my sister had far too much to drink. I said to her then boyfriend that he was more than welcome to leave the car at our house and my husband could come collect him in the morning for him to pick up the car (my sister was drinking and he was on soft drinks so that he could get them back to the hotel they were staying at). She completely wigged out that I had told him that he could leave the car and not said it to her. She kicked off so much that the whole affair ended with the police at our house and us putting her boyfriend up on our couch (she went back to the hotel).

So fast forward to now, she is getting married and I don't want to go to the wedding as she has never even apologized about what happened and the way she behaved. When asked whether we could make her wedding, told her no and told her why (no apology) and she completely ignored my response - just started saying how busy she is and how she hasn't got two minutes to rub together hence why she hasn't been to our house (which is fine, would quite happily go no contact but she keeps getting in touch).

My mother says I am being unreasonable for not going with my husband and children, as all she will have family wise at the wedding is her, my brother, nan and uncle who lives with nan. So am I being UR or not?

Sorry for such long post and any typos and grammatical errors - trying to be quick as computer keeps switching itself off mid task!

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/03/2016 08:56

There's a lot more history here than just the Wedding (awful as that sounds in itself.)

I wouldn't go. I agree that your mum is the one who will be really hurt by your not going but then it sounds like it's the relationship between your mum and you/your sister that is the real issue.

Fizrim · 13/03/2016 09:08

If you don't want to go then don't go - that's fine. But I wouldn't make it conditional on getting an apology first because I don't think you'd want to go even if she did apologise tbh. I don't think the missing apology is the issue here.

Narp · 13/03/2016 09:10

So your mum is unassertive and you are too, OP. And maybe your sister is too - unable to take responsibility for her actions and apologise

I think you should take control of this - talk to her

Narp · 13/03/2016 09:15

Have you ever told her before how upset you were with her/

Other than expecting your mum to do it for you?

If not then this is like you are getting your revenge.

GruntledOne · 13/03/2016 09:18

Did you try to have this out with her 7 years ago, OP? If not, it's a bit late now.

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 13/03/2016 09:30

But to me it isn't odd at all that this is coming up again for OP now, even if it has been 7 years, because it is the sister's wedding that has dredged up old feelings about OP's own wedding. And the fact that her mum says she will ruin her sister's day by not attending when she (mum) didn't have anything to say about sister's behaviour at OP's wedding. It has highlighted to OP how little her family cares about her feelings which must really hurt :( I'm sure OP hasn't been dwelling on this daily for 7 years, her sister's wedding reopened old wounds.

Only1scoop · 13/03/2016 09:39

I'd tell her exactly how you feel tbh even if it was 7 years ago.

Her reaction would be the decider as to whether I attend.

HackAttack · 13/03/2016 09:40

I would talk to her and give her one opportunity to apologise. My family have an annoying similar policy of 'it's happened, move on'. If it upsets you, it is okay to be upset, it was your day and she tarnished it.

KC225 · 13/03/2016 09:43

I am another one for don't go. You wouldn't enjoy it. Sitting through all the niceties will have you seething or fuming or both.

I do not believe you are holding a grudge either. What she did was horrible. I also think there is a greater back story to all thu resulting in no great love loss.

Write a letter telling her how hurt and upset you were by what she did at your wedding. Ask her to imagine how she would feel if somebody did that to her day? Now is she is planning a wedding it may be more poignant. Also send a copy to your mum. It will get a few points off your chest and clarify your position but again I think the apology ship has sailed.

clam · 13/03/2016 09:48

Look, after 7 years, she's hardly going to wake up one morning and say, "Gosh, you know I really must apologise to Wannabees about that wedding business." And if you talk to her about it and demand an apology before you can move forward, then it's really not worth much. It'd be a bit,
You: Say sorry.
Her: Okay, sorry then.
Which won't give you what you're looking for anyway.

So, what are you left with? You either go No Contact with her, snub her wedding and pretend you don't have a sister at all, which seems a bit extreme, or rise above it and carry on with your life, go to the wedding but keep your distance from her and don't allow her to affect your emotional well-being in future.

ptumbi · 13/03/2016 09:52

I def wouldn't go. I am NC with my sis for a very similar thing - for nearly 7 years too.

I am also NC with my toxic, selfish, manipulative, EA and childish father, for over 23 years. No loss to me, but I did, and still do, get from mum 'but she's your sister!' or 'you can't disown your own father!'

It's my choice not to see either of them, for very good reasons, and the fact that they are related to me makes not a jot of difference. I don't like them, they are horrible people and I don't need them in my (or my dcs) life.

NickiFury · 13/03/2016 09:54

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't care what anyone thought about either. You'd drop a friend for such behaviour, you don't have to put up with it from a family member.

Oooblimey · 13/03/2016 10:03

I totally understand you not wanting to go, it sounds like you're not close anyway, and it sounds like she's not really bothered if you're there or not, but your mum wants you to go, therefore I'd go.
In our family we have two fractions who don't get on but both are very close to my mum. At family events I wish the two fractions would suck it up for a few hours for the sake of my mum as it means the world to her when all her family are together at events.
It's one of those with no right answer, just what feels right for you.

PacificDogwod · 13/03/2016 10:03

Well, personally I could not hold on to my annoyance for 7 years, but I know that's just me.

Go or don't go depending on what decision you will with more comfortable with on your deathbed. It is just an invitation, you are free to do as you chose.

Or do as upthread suggested, go, get very very drunk and misbehave terribly Grin

PacificDogwod · 13/03/2016 10:05

This is fine example of the old chest nut "You cannot affect anybody else's behaviour, you can however affect how you behave in response".

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/03/2016 10:27

I agree with Pacific be the bigger person here and accept the invitation. You don't have to stay for hours.
You need to end the dispute with your sister or cut her out completely instead of point scoring and harbouring resentment.

Alternatively, contact ITV and have it out on Jeremy Kyle with the grabby caption;
Sis ruined my day, I can't forgive her Grin

ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/03/2016 10:31

Don't go because you don't have you and you don't want to. That WNBU.

The unreasonable bit is the bit where you've let the incident fester for 7 years without, by the sounds of things, actually speaking to her about it. You've been in limbo, not going NC but not looking for a resolution. What was the point in that if you're now going to use previous bad behaviour as a stick to beat her with 7 years on? You obviously haven't been rubbing along for the sake of family harmony.

Arneb · 13/03/2016 10:32

I'm not sure it's bitterness not to forget the bad behaviour.

My wedding my family were awkward and DH were all about the best man wife - who was a deliberate pain and ten years later everyone has finally seen through and she isn't mentioned any more.

I'm not bitter don't dwell on it though when I blip past show looking at wedding dresses and they have a group interested in the dress does make me a little sad no one had any interest in making my wedding about me or even us. Same with afterwards we didn't do honeymoon so after was all about other people and their wants and needs.

Pg and first day with first child IL marred had DH is tears. Don't get the time back not bitter just a bit sad they behaved like that.

DH forgot a lot of bad behaviour leaving him wide open when his parents pulled the same old crap - I got past it but didn't forget and took steps to mitigate it happening again - same with my family.

I think asking for an apology is a bad move - keeping a distance and not getting hurt having to watch a perfect wedding when the person marred yours seem sensible.

Tell you mother she can do as she pleases but you don't want to go and does she really want you and your DH bringing up the brides past behaviour at her wedding ?

PovertyPain · 13/03/2016 10:32

The chances are, since sis won't admit fault, she will get drunk on her wedding day and it'll all come up again. I can see that you would be on the end of abuse at her wedding as she'll have something to prove. I wouldn't risk putting myself at risk of that, OP.

Arneb · 13/03/2016 10:38

Even if OP stooped to behaving badly at her sisters wedding I doubt it would make her feel any better or that the wider family would view it the same way as her sister behaviour.

There are many families where one child can do no wrong whatever they do - and rest of siblings slightest thing and it's never forgotten or forgiven.

PacificDogwod · 13/03/2016 10:38

No, it's not about forgetting or ever forgiving bad behaviour, but it's about making sure that one's own behaviour is not governed by what has gone before.

If it is important to the OP to be there for her mother or for the wider family's sake or because she wants to be the more generous-of-spirit person, she should go.
If it will make a seethe with resentment while there or she would feel the 'weaker' person by not making her point, she should not go.

I think if you were able to go, behave with quiet dignity, leave when you can politely do so, you'd so OWN the moral high ground. All the while hoping that she will get smashed at her own wedding and disgrace herself Grin

See, I am not that nice a person Grin

Arneb · 13/03/2016 10:42

PacificDogwod - well that makes more sense.

Though I do modify my behaviour and manage situations so they don't get to hurt us again - that way we are all happier.

lighteningirl · 13/03/2016 10:42

Another on here who says don't go I am all for forgiving and moving on but no way I would help give such a selfish person a lovely wedding day unless I got a heartfelt apology for the spoiling of my day.

Marynary · 13/03/2016 12:07

It's seems like a long time to hold a grudge considering that it is your sister. She may not even remember the event properly if she was so drunk and perhaps has no idea that she behaved so badly. Alcohol makes some people nasty and people who are effected like that really shouldn't drink. Perhaps your sister has realised this by now?

theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 12:20

It seems a bit weird to hold a grudge for seven years just because she got pissed and behaved badly. But if you don't want to go, do her a favour and don't go.

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