Waiting for apology for sister's jezza kyle style behaviour at wedding

[Wannabees]

7 years ago me and DH got married. It wasn't a big affair - a registry office ceremony followed by a catered buffet and drinks at our home. This was what we wanted - we decided and set the date for 8 weeks later (no reason for the quick date, just decided it was what we wanted) and we so grateful for the presence of those that could make it (and grateful for the well wishes we received from those that couldn't make it). Overall it was a good day (a few hiccups along the way but hey, stuff happens). My mum had our daughter (well my daughter, husbands step daughter but he raises her as his own) and it would have been the first night we had all night alone - since dating and eventually moving in together (we weren't having a honeymoon). The problem arose when my sister had far too much to drink. I said to her then boyfriend that he was more than welcome to leave the car at our house and my husband could come collect him in the morning for him to pick up the car (my sister was drinking and he was on soft drinks so that he could get them back to the hotel they were staying at). She completely wigged out that I had told him that he could leave the car and not said it to her. She kicked off so much that the whole affair ended with the police at our house and us putting her boyfriend up on our couch (she went back to the hotel).

So fast forward to now, she is getting married and I don't want to go to the wedding as she has never even apologized about what happened and the way she behaved. When asked whether we could make her wedding, told her no and told her why (no apology) and she completely ignored my response - just started saying how busy she is and how she hasn't got two minutes to rub together hence why she hasn't been to our house (which is fine, would quite happily go no contact but she keeps getting in touch).

My mother says I am being unreasonable for not going with my husband and children, as all she will have family wise at the wedding is her, my brother, nan and uncle who lives with nan. So am I being UR or not?

Sorry for such long post and any typos and grammatical errors - trying to be quick as computer keeps switching itself off mid task!

[AgentZigzag]

Your mum thinks you'd ruin her day by not going but won't mediate over the time her behaviour got the rozzers called out on your wedding day?

That does seem a bit off.

If she's raised her hands to your mum does that mean your mum's probably scared of her?

[Baconyum]

This is the kind of shit my ex sister would pull and almost did at my wedding (gran reined her in parents useless). Over the years I've just had enough now nc for 2nd time and this time I won't be guilted into changing that.

Best decision I've ever made suggest you consider same as it sounds like sister is either golden child or feared and you're the scapegoat/easily persuaded to keep the peace.

Where is your dad in all this is he around?

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Don't go.

Even if you do, you'll be anxious and angry in the lead up to it.

You stated your case, and she ignored it.

Frankly, it sounds like she has a real problem.

[Janecc]

I see your pain. Different circumstances but my family treats me really badly. My mother and brother have a symbiotic relationship. Sil screamed at me several times - alcohol dependent. Brother also heavy drinker. Father deceased. I only maintain relationship for dd's sake (7 yr old.) I have withdrawn from the drama. I will no longer allow them to belittle or degrade me (even started on my 7 yr old).
So would I go to the wedding if my brother weren't already married? Well I did then and yes, I would now. Because the wedding for me would be about seeing friends and the parts of my extended family, who love me, who love my child. Once the speeches are over, you really don't have to have anything to do with the happy couple. Btw husband and I ended up looking after one of the drunk bridesmaids, who was screaming at her partner at 3 am. Never met the girl before. Drama drama, ambulance, ended up taking her home in the opposite direction before we then drove all the way home to France! No apology, no thanks from anyone. Families < sigh >.
I wonder if your sister is still angry with you. From her addled perspective, you tried to "kidnap" her.
If you really want resolution, Imo the best way I could come up with is to hand write a letter telling her you and your husband are having conflicting feelings about attending her wedding. You remain hurt by the events of your wedding evening. You tried to prevent her from leaving the property in a drunken state out of love. To protect her from harm. You feel sad that your actions were so misunderstood. You are struggling to get past your upset that your wedding night alone with you new dh was ruined. That the night was ruined by circumstances beyond your control as the police were called and subsequently, her partner ended up staying on the the sofa on the one precious night you were supposed to be alone. You are sorry that you and you husband are struggling to get past this and would very much like to do so and participate in her happy day. Tell her you very much need her help to do this.
No accusations. When we stop accusing and ask for what we want, we are much more likely to get a positive response. Did it with my mother recently. Took her over 3 weeks to respond. I got a sorry, well it was a "sorry if" non acceptance of blame. That was big for her being a narcissist, who has never apologised despite treating me abysmally for much of my life.
I'm not saying this will work but it's the best shot at getting an apology. The reason why she ignored you when you said about your wedding night is probably a) she's embarrassed and too immature to apologise or b) is deluded, has persuaded herself you are to blame for the situation on your wedding night and yet she still has the decency to invite you to her wedding.
As for getting your parents involved. No they shouldn't get involved at all. It was their job to instill harmony in the family when you were children thereby lessening the possibility of future sibling conflict. However, it is not their job in their twilight years to referee a dispute between 2 grown adults.
It sounds like you have been dealt the difficult family role, much like me. As I see it, dh and I are laying the foundation for a future harmonious family. Sad as it is that our DD won't benefit from a genuinely loving aunt/uncle/grandma, we hope her children will. I am the happy one because I am free.

[redcheck]

Does she even remember what happened? If she was that drunk and no one pulled her up about it at the time maybe she doesn't know.

This was my first thought too. We've all had nights where we wake up the next morning with absolutely no recollection of the night before. She probably felt like shit and had The Fear for a few days but then got over it (because you didn't say anything at the time)

It's now 7 years later. Seven!!!

YABU.

[leelu66]

YANBU. Sis sounds like an arse.

At the very least, you can tell her you will attend if you receive a heartfelt apology.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

You've waited 7 years to raise this issue?

I suspect you and your sister are cut from the same dramatic cloth.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Why don't you tell her you want an apology? Sit her down, say what you've said here and tell her that you're struggling to get over what happened because she essentially ruined your wedding day. You can't help how you feel at the end of the day.

I've acted like a colossal dickhead when I've been drunk before but I've always apologised after. She needs to take ownership for what haplened-she probably is remorseful on some level too.

[curren]

At the very least, you can tell her you will attend if you receive a heartfelt apology.

After 7 years it's not going to be heartfelt. And the OP has already told her. She said

When asked whether we could make her wedding, told her no and told her why (no apology) and she completely ignored my response

tbh OP this sounds more like revenge than anything else. You have managed to rub along in the last 7 years. Sounds like you are hoping to ruin her wedding because of what she did at yours.

I understand to some point, but I don't think this is about the apology.

[Heatherplant]

Sounds from your later posts she has a bit of form for this and your wedding wasn't an isolated incident. I'd say, 'I'm sure you'll have a lovely day but I'm afraid you spoiled my wedding and so I don't plan on coming to yours as it will only create a bad atmosphere'. I'm NC with my sister due to similar drunken antics.

[BeeHive75]

Something similar happened on my wedding day. I was gutted. I understand what you mean about standing in your wedding dress while somebody purposefully setting out to ruin your special day. I have forgiven the person who did it and we have moved on (we have to as it's family) but I don't think people can truly estimate the effect something like that can have on you. We planned our wedding for over a year. It cost a fortune. I can never think back and forget what she did. Our honeymoon was also ruined by the aftermath. Sorry to hijack your thread but I wanted to emphasise. 3 years later and I am not over it. I won't be in 7 years. We do what we need to to move on but it does not take away the hurt. In your position I would not want to go to the wedding. Particularly because you did not get an apology. for you. People who say you should be over it just don't understand the heartbreak xxx

[Janeymoo50]

You clearly barely tolerate each other (and don't like each other). I get it. I despise my sister. I wouldn't go unless I thought it would really upset my mum and then I'd go, be distant and polite and stay clear (but have a jolly old time with other family members).

[Anniegetyourgun]

She hits her/your mother, did I understand that right? Or only did so the once when younger and ridiculously drunk?

Someone who hit my mother wouldn't be someone whose wedding I was in a hurry to celebrate. I'd be a bit sorry for the intended spouse too.

[tomatodizzy]

What do you want to gain from not going to her wedding and not speaking to her? Do you want to cut her out of your life after one incident, in which case you really should have done it 7 years ago.

Do you want her to feel guilty, or to realise she really really upset you? While you may achieve this what will it bring you?

Unless someone does something unforgivable like murder or adultery there is no need for emotional games. What your sister did was horrible but hardly deserves 7 years stewing and a finale that is actually far worse. I will be honest and say you are having the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum.

[GingerMerkin]

Why not go and in advance arrange a policeman stripagram to arrive and arrest her. What goes round comes round, ruin her day too.

Seriously I feel for you, as others have said go and have a lovely weekend away somewhere and celebrate YOUR wedding again. Don't tell her you are going and then pull a sickie, you reduce yourself to her level.

[KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth]

OP, I get it. Your day was marred by your drunken sister, who doesn't care. Now your sister gets to (potentially) have a perfect wedding, and you are expected to contribute to that day.

I have a sisters home drinks too much and has ruined a lot of occasions. Not my wedding, but she did drink too much at her close friend's wedding and was asked to leave by the family. I had to clean her up and get her home, and she never thanked me, apologised, etc.

Perhaps you are just "bitter" but it is hard not to be in your situation, I think. My sister makes me so angry but she will never change,she is selfish and entitled as well as an drunk ;) and I try hard not to be around her.

Your sister isn't going to apologise, OP. She won't understand why if you don't go to her wedding, because selfish people never see things from anyone else's point of view.

I keep the peace with my sister for my mum's sake. In your situation I would go to the wedding, grin and bear it, and leave early. Have a dance with your mum, send a boring generic wedding card to the happy couple, and bow out.

[HortonWho]

I don't think it's the OP holding a grudge for 7 years. I think the OP is actually upset with her mother, who told the OP she would ruin her sister's wedding with her non-attendance but doesn't think the sister ruined the OP's wedding by getting stupid drunk, shouting at a small reception, calling the POLICE ON OP on her wedding date - and never saying sorry.

Your sister doesn't care OP and neither do you.

The problem is your mother excusing your sister's horrid behaviour and favouring her.

That must really hurt. I'd hold a grudge if my mother treated me like shite compared to my sister too.

[GissASquizz]

I wouldn't go.

[ricketytickety]

It doesn't sound like you are holding a grudge, more that you are concerned about her behaviour and its impact on others. I wouldn't go either without an apology as this is her recognising her problematic behaviour. No apology means she hasn't changed. Do you think she might kick off at her wedding if she drinks?

[Narp]

The part that's going to make you look bad here is that you let it fester for 7 years and now will be seen as wreaking your revenge on her wedding day. That's maybe not fair but I think it's really dysfunctional to have got to this stage.

If you want it to go on another 7 years, or you really have done with her, then don't go.
That's your choice.

Of course she should have apologised.

[OliviaStabler]

That apology will never come. If she hasn't said sorry in seven years, she will not do so now.

[diddl]

Don't go.

She won't care will she?

[Jux]

Have you said anything to her about it in the 7 years since it happened? To have kept quiet about it for so long, and then to suddenly bring it up now is a bit bonkers, isn't it?

It's quite sad that your dd has learnt to hold on to hurt for such a long time too.

[kittybiscuits]

I'm right with you OP. It's not 'bearing a grudge for 7 years'. Your sister is a dick and your Mum enables her. Do something lovely with your own family. You are under absolutely no obligation to engage in the family nonsense.

[kittybiscuits]

And OP did not ignore it for 7 years and bring it up now. The relationship has been damaged and the sister, whose fault it is entirely, takes no responsibility for that. It's a pity your Mum has such poor boundaries OP. Is your sister the golden child?