Waiting for apology for sister's jezza kyle style behaviour at wedding

[Wannabees]

7 years ago me and DH got married. It wasn't a big affair - a registry office ceremony followed by a catered buffet and drinks at our home. This was what we wanted - we decided and set the date for 8 weeks later (no reason for the quick date, just decided it was what we wanted) and we so grateful for the presence of those that could make it (and grateful for the well wishes we received from those that couldn't make it). Overall it was a good day (a few hiccups along the way but hey, stuff happens). My mum had our daughter (well my daughter, husbands step daughter but he raises her as his own) and it would have been the first night we had all night alone - since dating and eventually moving in together (we weren't having a honeymoon). The problem arose when my sister had far too much to drink. I said to her then boyfriend that he was more than welcome to leave the car at our house and my husband could come collect him in the morning for him to pick up the car (my sister was drinking and he was on soft drinks so that he could get them back to the hotel they were staying at). She completely wigged out that I had told him that he could leave the car and not said it to her. She kicked off so much that the whole affair ended with the police at our house and us putting her boyfriend up on our couch (she went back to the hotel).

So fast forward to now, she is getting married and I don't want to go to the wedding as she has never even apologized about what happened and the way she behaved. When asked whether we could make her wedding, told her no and told her why (no apology) and she completely ignored my response - just started saying how busy she is and how she hasn't got two minutes to rub together hence why she hasn't been to our house (which is fine, would quite happily go no contact but she keeps getting in touch).

My mother says I am being unreasonable for not going with my husband and children, as all she will have family wise at the wedding is her, my brother, nan and uncle who lives with nan. So am I being UR or not?

Sorry for such long post and any typos and grammatical errors - trying to be quick as computer keeps switching itself off mid task!

[Rachel0Greep]

I don't think an apology would mean much, at this stage. I think I would refuse to attend.

[Queenie73]

I probably wouldn't go unless going really meant something to me, and if you are taking a grudge with you then it seems like an awful lot of fuss and expense for an occasion which you wouldn't enjoy.
I loathe weddings though, and I was actually grateful when my sister got married quietly and without telling anyone beforehand!
Perhaps you could just send a gift and a card saying you hope it all goes well for her? That way your parents won't think you've been a complete cow, but you won't have the strain/hassle/expense of going to the wedding.

[Marynary]

Don't go it you don't want to but don't kid yourself that you are punishing your sister for her actions 7 years ago. She probably doesn't care that much if you go or not considering that you aren't that close and don't communicate much. Your mother is the one who will be upset.

[ptumbi]

Well, personally I could not hold on to my annoyance for 7 years, but I know that's just me. - how can you possibly say you would not hold onto your annoyance (or 'hold a grudge' as others have said? )

It may be just a petty thing to you, but I can relate to it in spades. My father did very similar at my wedding, to which I was forced to invite him by my mum. My sister called me, amongst other things/names, a bad mother. These might be petty and small to others, but they are plenty big enough, to me. And I've been happily NC for years with both of them.

'Holding a grudge'? Or removing toxic people from your life for your own mental health??

[PacificDogwod]

plumbi, oh, I am all for removing toxic people from your life - I am NC with a member of my family who used to add nothing but dysfunctional shit to my life, so I do understand.

I just don't feel any rankling resentment towards her . Or at least I don't as long as I don't see her. Any invitation from her I'd either put in the bin or write back 'sorry, cannot make it'. End of. If it meant a lot to the more important members of my family that I attended, I probably would. And stay as short as possible, leave when politely able to and enjoy the side show she is likely to make of herself.

Like I said, I am not all that nice.

It is all about what is small to one person and big to another. Which is why I so firmly remain on the fence about what the OP should do. She needs to do what is right for her, not what may be right for me or you.

[DontMindMe1]

she wants me to come and play happy families on her wedding day and swoon at how amazing her day is - doesn't appeal

I don't think it's so much as what she did back then that matters here - but that in the intervening years she has made no effort to discuss/apologise, and you don't have a relationship with her. you tolerate her cos she's your sister, but you don't have that happy, supportive, friendly or even sisterly relationship with her. she's like a stranger to you.

so don't be guilted into going to a strangers wedding who couldn't give two shits about you.

i feel the same about my elder sis - been nc now for a few years. i don't hate her for the shitty way she treated me and i don't want payback....i just don't want her in my life draining my energy and taking perverse delight in fucking things up for me, getting away with her passive aggressiveness, using what little she knows about my life/me to create drama and issues in my relationships with others, pissing on any sunshine in my life. i'm not willing to nor have the desire to share any part of my life with her - so why would i actively take part in hers?

i didn't want the guilt trips from others either, esp not when they refused to call her up on her behaviour, preferring to shut me down instead when i stood up for myself. and oh - i was always expected to be the bigger person/bite my lip/show respect/think of the effect on the family etc

it wears you down and it leaves an ugly stain on your memories, esp the ones that really mean something to you. my family still don't understand why i won't 'make up' with her but the truth is there is nothing there to make up - nothing positive anyway. that's what our 'relationship' was like. i refuse to play happy families and fluffy bunnies at the expense of my own wellbeing and life.

i found it easier deal with the flying monkeys and guilt-tripping from others by just being blunt with them. 'no' most definitely is a complete sentence, and following through with not engaging with any of them until they respect your decision - or at least stop mithering you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU. I don't really see it as you holding a grudge, OP. She 'broke' your relationship into pieces 7 years ago, and has never apologised or presumably taken any other steps that might mend it.

As for your mother - she is reaping what she sowed. "My mum has never been one for telling my sister she is in the wrong - even when she raised her hands to my mother. Now my mother doesn't really say anything other than I am not being fair to my sister - that is over and done with and I shouldn't ruin my sisters day by not going, as that is so unfair on her (my sister)." If you don't go to her wedding (and I see no reason why you should) then it is absolutely clear to any outsider that all is not well in your mother's faaaaamily. So what she really wants is to play happy families and keep up those appearance . She doesn't want you to be fair to your sister (because that would involve a good slapping and/or getting ASBO-level drunk at your sister's wedding); she wants you to sweep her failings as a mother under the carpet.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

[ptumbi]

pacific Fair enough. I wasn't really picking on you; I picked up your line as only one of the posts of 'how can you hold a grudge so long/rise above it/be the bigger person/just do it for your mum/family harmony.....'

NO ONE should do something for the sake of someone else. If OP does or doesn't go, all well and good, and she must stand by her decision. It is hard, being NC, mostly from other family who don't feel the hurt you do. To others, it might be a small, petty grudge. You will never convince them otherwise, so don't try. Eventually they do stop. It's taken over 20 years for mum to stop trying to get me to contact my father. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Scarriff]

Important thing is that you are still hurt 7 years later. Thats toxic in my opinion. And there is more to it isn't there? If it was just a one off drunken behaviour you would both have talked about it when she sobered up and so would your mother.

My suggestion is that you find someone neutral to talk through your relationship with your sister now that her wedding has opened up the wound. If a family relationship councillor is affordable in your area that would be useful.

The problem isnt her wedding or even yours. And if you dont look at it now, it will rise again.

Do what you can in the meantime. If you and your husband can put in a graceful but brief appearance then do so. If not, a nice present and a lovely letter wishing her happiness on her day will do. No recrminations accepted. Good luck.

[pennwood]

Life is too short! Don't hold a grudge, especially for such a long time, so if I were you I would attend, & perhaps build bridges. Be the better person, & rise above it. My only sister died suddenly a few months ago, & I can assure you it makes one really appreciate family, & recognise we all have our faults. Give the gift of forgiveness to the wedding couple as it is the most precious gift you can give.

[joyfulworld]

Maybe it's time to forgive and just forget the past. It's stressful to hold grudges.

[sleeponeday]

You aren't being unreasonable. You are related to a selfish drama llama you don't like much and who has never shown an ounce of responsibility for her own choices, and your mother wants you to play happy families for her sake. That's a shame, but as your mother never, from the sounds, challenged your sister over her behaviour at a time when it might have mattered, she has no right to expect you to meekly fall into line now.

I'm probably the wrong person to ask, though. To me, family aren't any different to anyone else, in that I don't want people I dislike in my life. I've moved on from several relatives and my life has only been considerably better for it - sometimes, subtraction is most definitely addition.

[sleeponeday]

Though it does depend hugely on whether you actually want a relationship with her, going forward? If you do, I agree holding grudges is bad, for you. But if she's just someone you tolerate to avoid the drama of going no contact, then it's not really stressful to not bother with her wedding, is it?

I suppose the answer is to do what means least stress.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Agree with everything sleeponeday has said.

And from someone who also has a drama llama for a sister, I would say her post at 08.54 is key. What sort of relationship you wish to have with your sister (and possibly mother) will ve key to how you handle this.

[LoveBoursin]

Does your dsis even remember what happens at your wedding? I mean REALLY remember rather than bits and pieces and a lot of guessing (and rationalising and rewriting that we all do in those circumstances).

I'm surprised that your dsis has been trying to get in touch with you for all those years if things are so bad between you.
I'm wondering why she would do that unless she wanted to build bridges, her way, and wanted to have a relationship with you.
I'm also wondering why you are saying NO to her now and not in all those occasions before that when you were polite to her whilst she contacted you/met up with you.
On her pov, if you have never said a thing about how upset you are about the wedding incident, it must have come as a big shock!

I'm also surprised that she was the one to call the Police. That means that either she was really too drunk to see what was going on, and that means she has a very different memory of what has happened then (and won't see why she should apologise when you clearly had been so bad that she thought she needs the police to protect her!). Or actually things weren't as clear cut as you made them to be.

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

If I got shitfaced drunk and called the police on someone on their wedding day I would be consumed with guilt and would probably never stop apologising - even if I woke up the next day with no memory of it and someone had to tell me I'd done it.

I'm pretty sure 99% of people would feel the same because that's what NORMAL people do - they feel bad when they act like complete arseholes and try to make amends, they don't just refuse to acknowledge they did something and then expect others to pander to them.

FWIW OP, I don't think I could forgive your sister's behaviour, and I would feel betrayed by my mother refusing to take your side at the time and wanting to brush it under the rug now.

[Queenie73]

Forgiveness is great, but sometimes the only way to manage to forgive someone is to stay away from them. One of my sisters is (IMO) a toxic, manipulative, grasping cow. I can manage to forgive her and feel no animosity towards her so long as we aren't in the same room. Actual contact with her makes me want to poke her in the eye!
Sometimes distance is good for family relationships.

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

I'm also surprised that she was the one to call the Police. That means that either she was really too drunk to see what was going on, and that means she has a very different memory of what has happened then (and won't see why she should apologise when you clearly had been so bad that she thought she needs the police to protect her!). Or actually things weren't as clear cut as you made them to be.

Boursin - I think the problem here is that you're trying to attribute logic to someone who's brain runs on drama. Just because no reasonable person would call the police on a bride unless they felt themselves under threat, doesn't mean a vindictive drama llama wouldn't do it just because they can...

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

*WHOSE brain... grr.

[Gazelda]

What do you think the effect of not going will have on your future relationship with your sis and possibly your DM?

[LoveBoursin]

It is quite possible. My experience with people who are so drunk is that sometimes they are extremely apologetic. But sometimes, they haven't actually realised how drunk they were so take their memories for the reality (and usually they are miles away as they have forgotten bits have misunderstood etc..)

Add to that that its seen as normal (esp with people in their early 20s) to be totally drunk at a wedding, she is probably looking at things in a very different way than the OP.

I think that wo knowing more about her general behaviour, it's hard to say whether she loves drama, is vindictive or anything. She certainly hasn't reacted that way when the op said she wasn't going to her wedding.

[liquidrevolution]

Dont go. I wouldnt. My Bridesmaid got shitfaced at my wedding and shouted and verbally abused me before starting on my sister. Apparently it was all my fault . Fortunately she was not a relative so it was easy to go NC although it hurt at the time.

Life is too short to surround yourself with people who dont care. All your sister had to do was apologize. Any self respecting sister would have done that years ago. She clearly does not care so why should you?