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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with boyfriend (facebook)

83 replies

poppingcandy89 · 09/03/2016 22:17

Boyfriend and I are expecting a baby together, this is a relatively new relationship. He has not wanted to put anything on facebook yet, has very much been a 'Why is facebook so important?' kind of person - Fair enough. So as far as facebook is concerned, I feature nowhere on it. Again fine, never wanted to be one of those people obsessed with fb.

However! On Mother's Day, he posted a status highlighting how much he loves his own mother (lovely) and going on to praise his son's mother (previous relationship), tagging her and thanking her for giving him a gorgeous son.

I was fuming. I am a huge hormonal disaster at the moment so struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable or not. But I feel unbelievably hurt that he has been very set on not mentioning me/us on there, not bringing mother's day up to me in any way and then doing that.

Totally open to being told I am being unreasonable, just go easy on me, as I said I am ridiculously hormonal at 20 weeks pregnant ;)

OP posts:
pavlovapippa · 09/03/2016 22:20

Get over it! It's Mothers Day and that was her moment not yours as the father of his child. You will get your moment next Mothers Day.

RudeElf · 09/03/2016 22:21

I think he has been unthinkingly insensitive.

Really though, he is having a child with you, he needs to make it official on Fb. and no i'm not a mad one for FB either but come on, this is a bit more than a new girlfriend! Its a baby! Why wont he put you on there?

pavlovapippa · 09/03/2016 22:21

I meant mother of course, excuse me.

MelanieCheeks · 09/03/2016 22:21

Unreasonable, on many levels. A) it's Facebook. B) those are mothers who have had an impact on his life. C) what is it you think he should have done on Facebook that is so important to your relationship?

Tryingtostayyoung · 09/03/2016 22:22

Insensitive but maybe just in a thoughtless way!!

JanetOfTheApes · 09/03/2016 22:23

YABU. He had a message for his mother, and the mother of his child, on Mothers Day. As of now, you are neither.
And how new is new? Is he hiding you from friends and family?

SwearyInn · 09/03/2016 22:25

Wait until next Mothers Day - if he does same again, then it's an issue. But suspect, and IMHO it's not unreasonable, he wants to wait until your baby is born before acknowledging your "mum status".

But pregnancy hormones can be horrible, so understand why something like this could be upsetting.

So it's a (gentle) YABU from me :-)

HawkEyeTheNoo · 09/03/2016 22:25

Hmmm, I'm not sure, if he's so not into FB why has he bothered posting at all? I think I would pretty pissed off too, hormonal or not. My DP thanked his mum for being amazing, my mum for accepting him into the family and loving him and me for being and amazing mum to DS (12) who isn't his!!! Yeah, I would feel as though I was being hidden or an embarrassment or worse case scenario, who is he hiding me from. Sorry OP. I might be hyper hormonal as DM has terminal cancer and DF had amass ice heart attack on Sunday

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 09/03/2016 22:30

Yabnu. Does ex know about you and thay you're having a baby together? I would be suspicious that he's hiding it from her or someone.

I think it's insensitive.

Original poster
poppingcandy89 · 09/03/2016 22:31

HawkEyeTheNoo so sorry to hear that. But that was my thought exactly... If he's so unbothered by facebook and stresses he important of 'real life', why not thank her personally than on Facebook, seems very 'showy' when he doesn't want me on there.

Not putting me on there has been an issue between us for a few months now. Not wanting to turn it into something massive as it is 'only facebook' but again he knows it upsets me that he won't put me on there and then did this.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 09/03/2016 22:32

Why wont he add you on fb? What reason does he give?

Original poster
poppingcandy89 · 09/03/2016 22:32

Yes his ex knows... Everytime I discuss it with him I always feel as though he genuinely just wants to 'build our foundations' in real life first before putting it up there for the world to see.

But then my mind starts to wonder again and I become unsure...

OP posts:
Original poster
poppingcandy89 · 09/03/2016 22:33

He says he wants us to be 'perfect' before we put it on there as he thinks there will be lots of questions and doubts from others as I fell pregnant so fast and he wants to wait longer so he can address them all... Is his argument

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 09/03/2016 22:35

You said it's a new relationship and your pregnant - perhaps he's tying to avoid rubbing ex up the wrong way or he's getting used to idea if being a dad again. As long as he's not hiding you from his family in RL I wouldn't be stressed

Eminado · 09/03/2016 22:36

What more foundations are there to build when you are 20 weeks pregnant with his child?!

RubbleBubble00 · 09/03/2016 22:36

Or he might want to avoid those awkward questions for the moment

Champagneformyrealfriends · 09/03/2016 22:37

How long have you been together? If it's not long then I would assume that he felt a bit embarrassed at how quickly you'd fallen pregnant. I'm not saying it's right for him to feel that way. Try not to let it upset you op-anxiety in pregnancy is bad enough without letting this upset you further.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/03/2016 22:40

That's a bit weird. How will it ever be more perfect than it is? People will ask how long you've been together anyway, and it's not like he'll want to pretend it's less time - then it'll look like you got pregnant even sooner. It's not like anyone other than him cares anyway... Presumably the important people like his parents already know?

I'd understand if he was waiting to tell his ex for some reason or something but there's no reason that anything needs to be more perfect before he announces it on fb. If there's questions and doubts they'll exist whenever. Infact there's likely to be more questions if he only announces you when your baby arrives...

ginagiraffe · 09/03/2016 22:42

Lighten up love stressing over little things won't be good for the baby

She will always be part of his life because of their child but doesn't mean it's anything more than that :-)

LeaLeander · 09/03/2016 22:44

He's already the father of one out-of-wedlock child from a failed relationship. How old is that child? How old is your boyfriend, for that matter?

Now he's soon to be in the same situation with another woman. I am sure Champagne is correct, he is keeping you on the down low because he fears it makes him seem irresponsible and craven.

What does "build your foundations in real life" mean? Do his parents know about you and the pregnancy? Does his extended family, circle of friends and anyone else likely to be his Facebook connection?

Original poster
poppingcandy89 · 09/03/2016 22:48

He is 32 and was married to his 6 year old's mother. All of his close friends and family know about me, I am in regular contact with his mother. We have been together for 6 months.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/03/2016 22:50

"out-of-wedlock child" Grin

I haven't heard that for years.

I feel as though I've fallen asleep and woken up in Downtown Abbey.

GooseberryRoolz · 09/03/2016 22:51

So you conceived with in 2 months of getting together?

Maybe he just can't face the flack and scepticism about that.

His logic's a bit flawed, though. It will look extremely strange when he suddenly unveils a pertner AND a baby in public.

GooseberryRoolz · 09/03/2016 22:52

within^

RudeElf · 09/03/2016 22:53

Looks like you jumped the gun with your out of wedlock comment this time lealeander. Aww and you were just chomping at the bit to get all high and mighty with this one too Grin

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