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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is Dh being unreasonable or am I?

97 replies

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:02

I Earn £530 per month plus £190 child benefit and Dh earns £1700 plus £100 board from eldest dc.
I work 2 days per week and dh is full time, I'm currently looking after our youngest child the other 3 days but will be going part time when he starts school in September.
Out of our money I have a total of £150 a month left to buy clothes for myself and the kids and anything else I need, oh and petrol. The rest of my wages goes on savings of 150 a month, childcare and children's activities.
Dh has left after paying all bills about £600, he does pay all the household bills but does not pay anything into savings or towards the children. I have told him that it is a struggle for me but he just says it will be easier when I go full time in September, I'm starting to feel a bit resentful, yes I'm part time but I do look after our dc and don't just sit around doing nothing, is it me or is Dh being unreasonable?

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 13/02/2016 20:03

Why is it only you who's paying into savings?

Kraggle · 13/02/2016 20:05

He is being unreasonable. All money should be joint money and you should each have an equal spending allowance imo.

Whatdoidohelp · 13/02/2016 20:05

Why isn't he paying towards the children? . If you are a family there should be one pot and no one should be worse off than the other

Original poster

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:05

I don't really know fastdaytears It has just sort of happened.

OP posts:

TurnOffTheTv · 13/02/2016 20:06

Why isn't it 'family money' in a joint pot?

Original poster

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:07

Turnoffthetv again it is just the way it has happened really, dh's wages get paid into his account and mine into mine.

OP posts:

Cleebope · 13/02/2016 20:08

Sorry, can never get my head around couples (married) who split the finances like this. Everything should be joint, so long as no one takes the piss with oTT spending. No wonder you feel resentful- you both work hard and you both bat for the same team(your family)!

TresDesolee · 13/02/2016 20:09

It sounds like a horrible arrangement. You chose to have these children together, yes? (Or was he not keen?)

What happens when all the children need new shoes/uniforms in the same month?

How many children do you have? Is the oldest one (who's paying board) yours too?

What does your DH spend his £600 on?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 13/02/2016 20:09

Was he happy for you to just work a few hours or realistically did he not really have a say in it?

If he pays £1200 a month to cover all the bills then he's shouldering a huge amount. The child benefit should cover clothes and activities easily. Your only contribution therefore is to the savings.

When you return to full time work will you be paying half the bills?

Believeitornot · 13/02/2016 20:10

He pays nothing towards his own children?

What???

Original poster

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:13

TresDesolee No it was a joint decision to have the children, we have 3 , If they all need uniform/ shoes in the same month I have a really tight month. Tbh I'm really relieved that you are all saying he's bu as I'm certainly going to bring this up now.

OP posts:

CombineBananaFister · 13/02/2016 20:14

So show him how you'd be if you worked and you both payed for childcare as you're doing the bulk of it now. Seems unfair to me, why does he not pay towards child based things? Needs to be worked out in % of earnings so you both have similar disposable income and contributions in relation to wages and not actual amounts.

TurnOffTheTv · 13/02/2016 20:15

He doesn't help with uniform for his three children? It costs a bloody fortune! You need a sit down and to sort it out.

TresDesolee · 13/02/2016 20:15

Whatever's going on, it's deeply odd for him to have £600 spare and spend it on himself while you and the children skimp on clothes and shoes. If that's what's happening.

He sounds aggrieved and passive aggressive.

AntiHop · 13/02/2016 20:17

He is being completely unreasonable. You are a family. All money is family money. I've always earned more money than my dp and we've always pooled our finances.

MrsHathaway · 13/02/2016 20:18

It seems that the children are your responsibility and he lets you all live in "his" house.

The way you split your money doesn't reflect what the law thinks about assets of a marriage. If you were to divorce, you'd get half the house and he'd get half your savings.

BolshierAryaStark · 13/02/2016 20:23

Wtf?! On what level did you think this set up was normal? What a piss taker, he's got it made

jay55 · 13/02/2016 20:24

He presumably pays the rent/mortgage, fuel, water, council tax etc which is paying for everyone.
If you feel you need more for the clothes, food etc then you need to draw up a joint budget and show him why.

Original poster

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:28

Not for much longer BolshierAryaStark this thread has given me a real reality check I have attempted to bring this up before but he's always played heavily on the fact he pays all the bills, tbh I neither need nor want much but I do get cross at struggling to get what the children need.

OP posts:

shazzarooney99 · 13/02/2016 20:31

If i were you i would change the savings into your name only, you need to sit down and doan outgoings and show him and talk through it,just say if your not happy you watch the kids and i will work full time.

Kpo58 · 13/02/2016 20:33

My DH and I have our wages paid into our own personal account and then each have a certain amount transferred monthly into a joint account for bills and savings. That way we don't have the arguments over who paid how much and for what.

I think that you will need to try and persuade your DH to do the same.

LollyLauren · 13/02/2016 20:38

I think your DH is being unreasonable, he should put some of his money towards savings...

Allyearcheer · 13/02/2016 20:41

What is this bollocks from some posters about 'oh well he pays the mortgage and bills so it's perfectly reasonable that he has plenty of disposable income whilst the wife and children struggle to buy clothes'.
He's not benevolently housing them,people, he's paying for his famiy's home, the home he lives in and the family he chose to have. Money should be joint and shared equally. oP contributes more in other ways, childcare and I am willing to bet in terms of domestic tasks too.
His behaviour is completely unreasonable and kinda abusive, if you ask me. I am not surprised you are saving cash OP. I would be saving an escape fund in your situation OP.

fastdaytears · 13/02/2016 20:42

Kpo

I'm not sure that will help the OP as she gets paid so much less and her DH is paying a lot towards bills, just that he earns more and isn't adjusting for that.

Or do you work out the bill split proportionately?

fastdaytears · 13/02/2016 20:43

FWIW though he's being totally unreasonable, I just think OP needs to be clear how she wants it worked out.

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