Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is Dh being unreasonable or am I?

97 replies

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:02

I Earn £530 per month plus £190 child benefit and Dh earns £1700 plus £100 board from eldest dc.
I work 2 days per week and dh is full time, I'm currently looking after our youngest child the other 3 days but will be going part time when he starts school in September.
Out of our money I have a total of £150 a month left to buy clothes for myself and the kids and anything else I need, oh and petrol. The rest of my wages goes on savings of 150 a month, childcare and children's activities.
Dh has left after paying all bills about £600, he does pay all the household bills but does not pay anything into savings or towards the children. I have told him that it is a struggle for me but he just says it will be easier when I go full time in September, I'm starting to feel a bit resentful, yes I'm part time but I do look after our dc and don't just sit around doing nothing, is it me or is Dh being unreasonable?

OP posts:

LogicalTest · 13/02/2016 20:45

I'm in the 'joint account' camp I'm afraid-and my husband earns more than three times my wages. However, when we were first together many moons ago and had our first little flat we did find a little half way house between separate and joint money. Don't know what you think. We worked out how much, in terms of a percentage, we each earned towards the joint pot and then we ensured that we were liable for that percentage of all the non-negotiables. I can't remember what the figures were but I was an NQT and he's a pilot so as you can imagine my money felt like a drop in the ocean but I wanted it to feel as important. We would get a bill and I would pay, say 11% of it and he would pay 89%. It worked for us as we were new to the game. Not convinced it could be used in a marriage but thought I'd put it out there....

Hellochicken · 13/02/2016 20:45

We get paid into separate accounts but after paying our individual unavoidable costs like car tax, phone bills, work related costs etc ALL the money goes into a joint account. From there it is spent on kids things, our things, petrol, household bills, savings.

I am shocked at this, I can't imagine holding back £600 a month whilst my husband struggles to get money for OUR kids uniforms.

RandomMess · 13/02/2016 20:49

Suggest he pays for a nanny/housekeeper and you will got out to work.

Explain how much a nanny/housekeeper will cost him...

I'm totally that you both work equally hard and you both should get equal spends.

After household bills are paid, dc clothes, activities etc. you agree how much goes into savings and how much each you get for treats & spends.

gamerchick · 13/02/2016 20:51

See this isn't imo a seperate finances issue. Me and my husband have seperate finances and I earn around half his salary. He pays the big bills and I pay the rest. However the money is ours and if the kids (not his I might add) need something then either of us pay whoever is around. Neither of us goes without. Even the big bonus he's just got he's giving me half of to do with what I want.

Your bloke is being seriously crap OP and it's nothing to do with who pays what or who earns the most.

A come to Jesus meeting is needed and some sort of account for outgoings. He's acting like a knob and you shouldn't have to stress about how you can afford stuff for the kids.

Lweji · 13/02/2016 20:52

You're married. It's joint money. You are saving child care costs.

Show him what happens to his income should you split and how much he should be paying in hold care.
In fact, tell him you're going full time and you share the nursery fees. You're losing 750 a month on lost wages. Is he prepared to compensate you for that? Because that would come up if you divorced.

Men like this really anger me.

gladisgood · 13/02/2016 20:52

I wouldn't like it if someone in my family thought they were "worth" more, just because they earned more. By worth more I mean he is taking a larger share of family income . Doesn't seem fair to me

Generally, 2 parents decide how they want their DC brought up. Either nurturing yourself ( in which case one of you most likely has to give up career + future earning potential after 5-10 years out of the job market)

or you have other people help ( either willing family/friends or expensive childcare)

Invoice him for half of the savings + half of all of your childcare hours + your "depreciation on earnings" charge. Don't underestimate this value ( lots of divorce threads on MN will illustrate just how hard it is to pick up a career again any sort of well-paid job after a long break from employment )

You are giving up a lot to nurture your children - that should be a family cost, not an individual one.

Lweji · 13/02/2016 20:53

Do you also do most of the cleaning, cooking and his clothes?

If he persists on leaving you that little money, you have a financial abuser in your home.

Original poster

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 21:05

Thank you everyone you are really putting this into perspective for me. Lweji I do all of the cooking, about 80% of the cleaning but he washes and irons all of his own clothes as he likes them taken out of the machine the minute it has finished.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 13/02/2016 21:09

So when is your day off where he does everything?

Believeitornot · 13/02/2016 21:13

It is like he is a flatmate doing his own thing

Sunnyshores · 13/02/2016 21:16

He washes and irons all HIS clothes
Hes treating you like a slave and the kids as if they're someone elses

EweAreHere · 13/02/2016 21:23

Outrageous. The money should be pooled, then all the household bills deducted, monthly savings (save more if you can) for the family deducted, children's bills deducted ... anything left should be shared equally between you for spending money.

Ask him if you were to be offered a full time job paying £3000 a month, would he be happy with you keeping all the extra spending money for yourself as he's been doing. Or if you won some money on the lottery, keeping it for yourself? Or if he were to become sick/disabled, be told any extra spending money has to come solely out of his benefits because he's not sharing your hard earned money? He can't honestly say he'd be happy with any of those scenarios ... but he's happy to have you live that way, as a second class adult in your family.

whattodowiththepoo · 13/02/2016 21:24

He pays all of the house hold bills, £1,200 a month and yet PP are saying he doesn't pay for his children? Good god how stupid can you be.

gladisgood · 13/02/2016 21:25

why does he only do his own clothes?

OMG I wouldn't even make a cup of tea without asking DH if he wanted one ! ( or him for me)

I certainly wouldn't put on a wash load without seeing if the DC or DH needed anything washing

gamerchick · 13/02/2016 21:28

Um my husband pays more than that what and he pitches in with the house and treats me and the kids like gold.

They aren't even his kids.

Stupid is he?

EweAreHere · 13/02/2016 21:30

whattodowiththepoo, nobody is saying he isn't contributing to the household. But he's not being fair with the extra money the FAMILY has at the end of the month after the household bills are paid; he's keeping most, if not all of it many months, for his own personal use while she's struggling to get herself and their children what they need. She has a part time and a sahp the rest of the time, saving them a tremendous amount in childcare costs. And he's essentially punishing her for this FAMILY choice.

Lweji · 13/02/2016 21:30

He certainly doesn't pay enough for his children. Who does childcare and still has to earn less and pay for children's clothes?
In fact the OP is paying solely for childcare.
And presumably he also lives in the house.
But, crutially, in a married couple nobody should pay for anything. It should all be family money. As he'll find out if the OP sends him on his selfish way.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/02/2016 21:39

I can't believe that a man actually thinks this is acceptable? It's absolutely disgusting that he pays nothing towards his children, pays nothing into the savings and watch his wife struggle.

He isn't a good husband or father in my eyes. The whole thing is awful.

Prior to our DS being born me and DH had a joint account and despite him earning £700 more than me a month and me working one less day a week than him we still had equal share of free money.

All the money for our savings, the cars, the shopping, the household bills, everything came out the joint account and then whatever was left we split into two identical amounts and he took one half and he took the other.

We now have DS and absolutely nothing has changed really except now we have childcare costs coming out the joint account too. He still works more days than me, he still earns more than me but we still get equal spending money each month (about £400 each after all costs have come out the joint account).

Everything that is a cost towards DS comes out the joint account. I think it's disgusting that your husband expects you to pay for everything for them.

whattodowiththepoo · 13/02/2016 21:44

"Nobody is saying he doesn't contribute"
And then
"It's absolutely disgusting he pays nothing towards his children"

Gamer, I'm not saying he is stupid I'm saying people that consider ops husband as not contributing are stupid.

Let's pretend you are all right, OP should divorce him.
She really should, I hope she has a great life with all of the money she needs to make to maintain her lifestyle.

Kpo58 · 13/02/2016 21:47

Why does he not pay towards the children? Does he not consider them as part of the family? I'd bill him for their clothes.

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 21:48

Your DH has more left over than you each month so he should contribute to the children's savings. As a previous poster said already, the three days you do not work are saving you on childcare which surely would be at least £90 p/week depending on where you live. It certainly is not fair and you need to look at the fair way forwards for September otherwise you'll end up resenting him.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/02/2016 21:51

whattodo - so you think it's ok that even though the OP only has £150 a month she is the one who had to pay for all the three children's clothes and shoes whilst her DH enjoys his £600? You think that because he pays the bills it means it's fine for him to watch his wife struggle financially?

Lweji · 13/02/2016 21:52

Poo
I've reported your posts. You are being very offensive to all.

As well as wrong and goady.

Lweji · 13/02/2016 21:54

If you look at the finances, the OP is probably bankrolling him and enabling his lifestyle while he shows up the family.
I wonder how much he'd have to himself if all bills and expenses were shared equally and the op worked full time.

Lweji · 13/02/2016 21:56

OP definitely go full time now or charge him for the difference.

Flip

1 2 3 4