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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is Dh being unreasonable or am I?

97 replies

Fairdeal · 13/02/2016 20:02

I Earn £530 per month plus £190 child benefit and Dh earns £1700 plus £100 board from eldest dc.
I work 2 days per week and dh is full time, I'm currently looking after our youngest child the other 3 days but will be going part time when he starts school in September.
Out of our money I have a total of £150 a month left to buy clothes for myself and the kids and anything else I need, oh and petrol. The rest of my wages goes on savings of 150 a month, childcare and children's activities.
Dh has left after paying all bills about £600, he does pay all the household bills but does not pay anything into savings or towards the children. I have told him that it is a struggle for me but he just says it will be easier when I go full time in September, I'm starting to feel a bit resentful, yes I'm part time but I do look after our dc and don't just sit around doing nothing, is it me or is Dh being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Jux · 14/02/2016 00:07

MummaB, if it works for you that's fine. If you have enough, and if you can each afford the things that you need and want, then it's OK. That is clearly not the case here.

Lweji · 14/02/2016 00:18

The OP is clearly not happy.

If it's a partnership how come one person ends up with basically all the money and the other will all the responsibility?
OP, I hope at least he covers family holidays, days out and when you go out together.
What type of shops do you buy your clothes and he buys his from?

He could just have not realised, but if he keeps resisting and is happy to have 600 pounds per month for himself, while his supposed life partner has to cope with 150 for herself and the children then it is abusive. Even if the children and the partner are clothed and fed.

Keeptrudging · 14/02/2016 00:58

However the OP says herself "to be honest I neither need nor want for much". She just doesn't like feeling 'short' if the children all need clothes at the same time. However, if one is paying board, presumably they're old enough to be buying their own clothes?

Primaryteach87 · 14/02/2016 01:30

I'm always totally shocked by threads on this topic. To me marriage is about a shared, joint life. That includes our finances. I'm a sahm but supported and paid for everything while hubby was training in his career. He earns nothing for 5years. We are a team. I honestly have never felt it was my money when I earn it or his now he does. I genuinely can't understand how any other system is a grownup relationship.

PitilessYank · 14/02/2016 01:47

It seems like unnecessary extra work, keeping separate finances. I think it is much easier to just toss it all in together.

araiba · 14/02/2016 05:31

OP has £720 a month to spend as he dh has covered all the bills etc.

he has £600 a month to spend after spending £1100 taking care of his family

Elisheva · 14/02/2016 08:42

araiba so you don't think that childcare and school uniform costs count as household bills?

Lweji · 14/02/2016 08:57

In addition she's staying at home using her precious time to take care of the children.
She should be earning circa 1300 per month. If they split ALL bills from there,

She doesn't earn child benefit. She manages it.
If she spends about 600 on savings and things for children, and child care, adding another 100 on childcare and cleaner to compensate for what she does at home, gives that she'd be left 400 plus 190 child benefit, so she would be left over also 600. For herself not counting children's clothes.
This is how much the OP is losing by staying at home. About 500 pounds.
Even if the calculations are somewhat off (no calculator) she should have left for herself a LOT more than she has now. And that's how much he's cheating off her.

I wonder if the savings are on OP's name. I hope they are.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 14/02/2016 09:05

Nobodies making her stay home though, she has the choice. It's very likely she wanted to. It's not like she chained to the house, she's a grown woman with choices. Given her part time salary easily covers childcare, so would a full time one.

No judge would say a man is financial abusing his wife when he pays all the bills, does housework and the only thing she has to cover is a small childcare bill. If only one is in school then the CB will easily cover clothes at £190 unless OP is buying designer items.

Lots of households don't join finanes, it's not mandatory. We do but friends don't as they prefer to keep things separate. No right or wrong way.

Lweji · 14/02/2016 09:09

The husband hasn't told her to go back now, has he? Only in September. It looks like he very much agrees on her staying home and bankrolling that choice.
If it's a joint decision he should be part of it financially too.
And she shouldn't end up with less than 100 for herself when he gets 600. Children are a sacrifice for all parents.
IMO she should go back now. But somehow I don't that he'd be happy with it.

Lweji · 14/02/2016 09:11

Also, and I've said it twice already, he could be just a twat and not have thought this properly.

At WORST he COULD be an abuser. If he PERSISTS in leaving her with that little money after discussing everything. And if he keeps ignoring how unfair it is.

bakeoffcake · 14/02/2016 09:17

Stop saving any more money until you go back to work.
Tell you're H that you are doing that and that unless he puts some money away, there won't be any until Sept.

TENDTOprocrastinate · 14/02/2016 09:39

Like you, I worked pt 2 days whilst dh worked full time. All of our earnings were pooled together.
If either of us wanted to make a purchase over £50 we'd check how much disposable income there was and then just double checked with each other. It worked well.
Now I'm a sahm and this is still what we do! Dh will still discuss his big purchases with me- even though he is earning all the money- as he likes me to keep an eye on our budget!

I can't imagine living in a 'his money' 'my money' situation. It would be tough.

CombineBananaFister · 14/02/2016 09:49

My dad used to be a bit like this with my mum. Because she got the child benefit he thought she should pay for all things childrelated which far exceeded the benefit amount (1970s). He then had his fulltime wage and she had her partime wage (she had to fit in around school hours).

I remember the disparity so clearly when she had to trek round 3 different supermarkets with me in tow to to buy what was on offer at each. I remember the humiliation of queuing for my free duffle coat and shoes for school cos her money didn't stretch to it. I know the op isn't in this situation but it still makes me shudder a bit.

All monies in, all bills paid and leftover shared - its the fairest way. It shouldn't matter who works the most or brings the most home when one person has to do the childcare thus preventing them earning a larger income.

formerbabe · 14/02/2016 09:56

The child benefit should cover clothes and activities easily

So roughly £190 a month is enough for after school activities, trips out and clothes/shoes for 3 children?! Not in my world!

Lweji · 14/02/2016 11:58

The OP is also including the child benefit as her income. So, the 150 is left from her salary + CB. NOT 150 plus CB.

lacktoastandtolerance · 14/02/2016 12:59

Either you're a couple or you're not IMO.

I earn about 2.5 times more than my partner. All the money goes into a single account, bills are paid from there, some put aside for various costs like travel, unexpected one-off bilss, food etc., and some money is paid into savings.

The remainder is split equally for us each to spend on going out, clothes etc., however we wish. So we both have an equal amount of money each month to indulge, knowing guilt-free that every bill has been paid and money has been put into savings.

The key word is equal(ly).

Perhaps you should ask him why he doesn't consider you to be his equal. It's really simple.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/02/2016 17:25

I don't think this sounds like financial abuse. I'm a woman btw, before someone replies and says that I must be a man!

Her OH is basically saying that he will pay for the mortgage, council tax, utilities etc for the whole family. All he expects the OP to pay for is children's clothes. if anyone has a raw deal, it seems to be the husband! Oh, I forgot though...her husband gets the pleasure of setting the alarm clock, commuting and working, while the OP gets to stay at home with the kids most days. OP, if you want more money, go back to work ft sooner.

And for those people who said that she should charge her husband for a nanny and housekeeper - please join the real world. Most people would get by sharing the chores and having a childminder - very few working families have staff and somehow they manage.

Jux · 15/02/2016 19:00

In some people's world, the only thing that counts is the thing which brings the dosh in.

They forget that they get a proper lunch break, they get adult conversation, they get to stop working at 6 and can put their feet up, they get the weekend off. They get pats on the back for work well done, they get promotions, they get pay rises.

Lweji · 15/02/2016 19:13

I worked and exH was a sahp.
I never felt I had the raw deal. Or that I deserved more money to myself because I earned more. Maybe because I considered us equals in the relationship.

gandalf456 · 16/02/2016 15:07

I thought she was working full-time she hasn't under 5 at home with her and school holidays to contend with . To me her part time job is a bonus unless the kids want to look after themselves? Threads like this make me angry - not any one person but at the world and how it all works because looking after children is still not really seen as a job and something you just slot in and I'm sorry but you just can't. I know people do work full time but all of them I know I totally stressed out and find the juggle very difficult. And what would you do if you do go back to work full time? Is he going to step up with the childcare and housework? I know do many couples where, even with the woman working full-time, the men still see the children and home as a woman's job

LagunaBubbles · 16/02/2016 15:17

he has £600 a month to spend after spending £1100 taking care of his family

Depends on your definition of "care" though doesnt it? Mine involves clothes and shoes for your children and not causing your partner worry if they can afford this or not.

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