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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's too busy to see me

99 replies

Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:22

I have been seeing my French bf for 8 months. We both live in london about an hour apart. He works in finance and has started another job at evenings and weekends as he hopes to be made redundant and do the second job full time. He goes to visit his family in France at least one weekend a month. He had two weeks there for xmas. He can only squeeze me in one night a week tops, never organises it in advance because he doesn't know when he has to work on the new job and it's usually a Monday or Tuesday that I see him. I am started to get really f*ed off. I'm 33 this year and want a family. He's 41, says he does too, but clearly it's not what he's thinking of at the moment. I know he has to sort the career out but I am feel bottom of the priorities. He keeps saying when he gets redundancy he will have more time but has no idea when that will be. He says he understands why I am upset, and all he wants is for me to be happy. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Dollymixtureyumyum · 13/02/2016 17:23

I would not be happy with this arrangement Op.
It sounds like you want different things. One night a week to starting a family is a huge leap

timelytess · 13/02/2016 17:23

Forget him as a long-term prospect, take him lightly as an occasional one-off date. Look for someone else. He isn't your bf. Presumably he calls round for a shag? Is there more to it than that?

timelytess · 13/02/2016 17:24

Oh, and the evidence suggests he's married.

StealthPolarBear · 13/02/2016 17:24

You want different things. Neither of you is right or wrong you just have different priorities.

StealthPolarBear · 13/02/2016 17:25

Have you ever met his family, or has he made any suggestion that you might, soon?

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:26

Yes there is more to it than that! We go for dinner quite often without staying round each other's. I see what you are saying but I don't want to cheat on him. So I suppose if I will date other people I would rather tell him first. At the moment I don't want to. But if this won't change I guess I should

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:27

He is not married!! No I haven't met them because he says he would only introduce me if we got engaged. Plus they only speak French. I haven't even met his friends yet although he has met mine

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/02/2016 17:28

How sure are you there isn't anyone else? I can't understand why he doesn't take you with him to France each month and why he doesn't spend each weekend with you anyway. Have you been to his family home in France? Have you ever spent the night in his London flat?

BlueJug · 13/02/2016 17:28

Has this been the case for he entire eight months? No long weekends together? Trips away? Have you been to France with him? Struggling to see how you have even got this far if it has just been Tuesdays.

If you are sure of him then wait it out - but it doesn't sound as if you are. Might be time to cut your losses

ImperialBlether · 13/02/2016 17:29

It's not really usual for a man that age to see his family for a weekend each month, even if they live in this country. Are his parents ill?

19lottie82 · 13/02/2016 17:32

One night a week isn't a relationship.

I wouldn't definitely say he's married, but it wouldn't surprise me. Sorry.

If you want a future with this man, I think you need to be straight with him and put your cards on the table. If he can't / won't step up to the mark, then you have to move on.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:32

Yes I have stayed at his flat a few times. I'm not sure quite how it has stretched out this point. I guess I thought the work situation would resolve. Perhaps I should walk away and see if he follows. Is that wise? my worry is that would potentially damaging the trust between us.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 13/02/2016 17:34

Sounds like he is visiting his children every month.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:34

His mother is slightly ill. He is the only child. He is close to his family which I think is a good thing. He's not bloody married!!

OP posts:
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 17:35

He's obviously not that in to you otherwise he'd be making time to spend with you.

cozietoesie · 13/02/2016 17:36

One night a week and the odd dinner out doesn't merit trust I think. I'm afraid it sounds as if you're 'handy to have in the background'.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:36

Err he shows my his photos on his iPhone. I think I would see the photos of his wife and children if they were on it.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 13/02/2016 17:40

Perhaps a bit of an extrapolation but I've seen a relatively young French man, also working in finance in London, explain that it is entirely normal for him, as a French man (+ one working in that area, for bonus justification?), to have several women on the go and have one that is 'the one' who he will marry, but always have at least one other on the side. He explained it like it is a point of pride.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 13/02/2016 17:41

Err he shows my his photos on his iPhone. I think I would see the photos of his wife and children if they were on it.

Why do you assume he would have photos on his phone? My DP doesn't have photos of me. I barely have any of DP either. It's just not something we do. We are very much together...

shutupandshop · 13/02/2016 17:41

Hes either married or not that in to you sorry. To be blunt your biological clock is ticking. He either makes a huge change or dump

JennyOnAPlate · 13/02/2016 17:46

If he goes to France that frequently I bet he has a French phone as well as the iPhone.

I'm afraid I agree that he has different priorities to you. Either that or he has a wife/girlfriend in France.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/02/2016 17:47

Sorry op but I agree with pps. When you're in love with someone you want to spend time with them. Either he loves you but he's got someone else and therefore limited time with you. Or he doesn't have anyone else, but doesn't love you and fits you in at his convenience.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2016 17:52

You've two choices. Carry on seeing him once a week or end the relationship. I agree there is the possiblity he is married or has another girlfriend.

NotGoingOut17 · 13/02/2016 17:53

He may not be married (and I hope he isn't) but I don't think not having photos on his phone is reason enough to be convinced that he can't possibly be....he wouldn't be the first cheating person to have more than one phone for instance.
If you have never met his family or friends and only see him one night a week the truth is you have no bloody idea what he's doing...it could be entirely innocent or it could be he has a whole other life you know nothing about. Either way I would think carefully about putting your life on hold for this guy, at best he doesn't seem that interested and sounds full of excuses. His family speaking French isn't a reason not to go with him occasionally....if you're serious about each other youll need to deal with that at some point. And what's his reason for you not meeting his friends after 8 months? Sorry op but sounds like he isn't thinking the same about your future as you are...don't waste your time waiting for this guy.

ivykaty44 · 13/02/2016 17:54

If if was into you then you would have been taken to meet at least his friends or a trip to france, he isn't that into you though and therefore doesn't make the time or effort to do those things...

It's not what you want to hear....