He's too busy to see me

[Tulip1011]

I have been seeing my French bf for 8 months. We both live in london about an hour apart. He works in finance and has started another job at evenings and weekends as he hopes to be made redundant and do the second job full time. He goes to visit his family in France at least one weekend a month. He had two weeks there for xmas. He can only squeeze me in one night a week tops, never organises it in advance because he doesn't know when he has to work on the new job and it's usually a Monday or Tuesday that I see him. I am started to get really f*ed off. I'm 33 this year and want a family. He's 41, says he does too, but clearly it's not what he's thinking of at the moment. I know he has to sort the career out but I am feel bottom of the priorities. He keeps saying when he gets redundancy he will have more time but has no idea when that will be. He says he understands why I am upset, and all he wants is for me to be happy. I have no idea what to do.

[Bunbaker]

I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone else. He is either already married, has a long term partner or is not that into you. It hurts, but I think you need to cut your losses and move on.

[eddielizzard]

i would cut my losses i'm afraid. you don't even have to say anything - he's barely around. sarcasm aside, this isn't much of a relationship and what are you waiting around for? doesn't sound to me like he's prioritising you or a family.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Why does he spend one weekend a month and two weeks at Xmas in France? That would make me think he has a wife there. Sorry.

[Dollymixtureyumyum]

He has not introduced you to his friends or family and has said he won't till you are engaged!!!
He goes to France for a weekend every month and spent two weeks there at Christmas
He has a "second" job
He only sees you one night a week
Major alarm bells ringing Op
And lots of men who cheat have second phones to maintain their double life

[magimedi]

Excuse me if I am being daft, but haven't you posted about him before??

And wasn't the consensus that he was married?

If it wasn't you, apologies but there was a very similar story a while ago.

As a cynical old granny I'd say he is almost certainly either married or has a partner in France.

[Nimportequoi]

Sorry but him being French is not relevant. He's an ass to you. Either he has a LTR somewhere else or he's not that into you. Move on. Now. Nothing in your OP leads to happy family and it's all red flags.

[cozietoesie]

You said something in your OP about him saying he 'only wanted you to be happy'. That's usually a soft soaping comment to invite a response of something along the lines of 'I am happy, Darling - everything's fine'. Which gives him a clear conscience and pretty well a hall pass for future behaviour as well as current. ('But you said...........')

Finish with him -,it's going nowhere. At least nowhere good.

[AyeAmarok]

I also think he has a wife/partner possibly with children in France.

He probably has two phones as well.

[kawliga]

I think the other thread about a similar French boyfriend was a different poster - the boyfriend there had told the OP that not committing to a girlfriend is a French cultural thing that all French people do so she has to accept him as he is. Fortunately there were lots of posters there who were French, or married to French, who were able to say that this is rubbish. Every culture has twats in it.

[Talcott2007]

The situation doesn't look great OP - there is definetly a lot of warning signs. My DP is French and has always worked very long hours etc - he also goes back to visit his family in France for the weekend about once a month. I've realised its a quite common culturally for French men to be very family orientated. The issue is you have never met any of his friends or family. That's not a cultural norm at all. (Just asked asked DPs opinion and he said this guy is definetly using you or up to something) Sorry! Frankly if the potential MIL had any idea of your existence she have insisted to meet you by now if only to make sure you're 'suitable'. I hate to say it but your must insist on at least meeting his family. If he can't see why this is vital at this stage then it tells you how much of a future he really sees with you. The longer you leave addressing it the worse it will be.

[Tulip1011]

Talcott2007 that is very interesting. He told me he hasn't told his parents because they will think we will be getting married/babies in 6 months and will pester him with lots of questions. He said is that what I want in 6 months and I said no (how can I say yes to someone I hardly see). The second job is real! I see the documents lying around his room and he has explained it to me. I trust him that he is not seeing anyone. We have had conversations about the perception of French men and affairs etc. I don't think he is organised enough to have one to be honest! I think he is a genuine person who does like me a lot. But the points about this not being enough are fair. I think him being in France for Valentine's Day was the final straw (he says it's not an important day for him, very anglosaxon/commercial blag blah). I have said to him (last night) that things are not serious enough for me and I'm not happy and that if the only issue is the job that he should come and find me when that is sorted but I can't wait around for him. So I guess that's it for now. Happy Valentine's Day! Lol

[Tulip1011]

Ps to be fair he did once try to arrange for me to meet his good friend, but his friend had to work in the end. On reflection I think he is very much thinking of me as casual but could become more, whereas I am thinking of it more seriously.

[ShamefulPlaceMarker]

You've done the right thing. If he really loves you the.mn he will come find in the next few days, nit the next 6 months.

[Tulip1011]

Talcott2007 when did you meet the MIL? The problem is she doesn't speak English and my French is not great (I'm learning but slowly). I have posted previously but I couldn't find the thread, perhaps it gets deleted after a while

[Hissy]

My love. You've been seeing him for 8m. And you're thinking babies.

He's barely making any effort to be with you and you're expected to just lump it.

You've definitely made the right decision to sort himself out, but it might be worth taking some time to work out why you're so determined to seemingly make something out of nothing - he is not that into you/your relationship, Not as much as he ought to be. I too think there's something you don't know.

Bottom line is, you gave it a shot, it's not good enough by a long chalk and you've made the right decision to end it. No more chasing rainbows. A man who loves you will look to spend time with you and want more than a weekly slot.

[Talcott2007]

He's away this weekend as well? That's pretty thoughtless when you spend such little time together! It's probably true about all the questions if he told his parents about you - the 1st time I met PILS they were asking about babies and marriage we'd only been together a few months at the time. But it's what they do and it's up to your bf to man up and take it - he'said hardly a child! It's a shame that you do seem to be on different pages and timescales with what you want and ultimately that might be what it come down to - not lack of affection etc. You will only grow to resent him if being with him means you miss out on this that are important to you. Which would end the relationship anyway! Took a while for my DP to take the idea of marriage seriously (deal breaker for me personally) but as we met at 20 we had longer to work it out. I really do empathise with your situation and I think your making the right decision to take a step back. Spend today really focused on doing nice things for youself!

[Writerwannabe83]

A friend of mine was seeing someone and about 6 months in she started complaining about the unpredictability of things in that she only ever saw him once or twice a week, it was only on his terms and he could only give her about 12 hours notice when he was available as he worked shifts.

Surprise, surprise, she eventually found out he already had a GF who he'd been with for over 5 years.

If something looks or feels suspicious then it's usually because it is.

[NoCapes]

Yeah he's married

[JellyTotCat]

He told me he hasn't told his parents because they will think we will be getting married/babies in 6 months and will pester him with lots of questions. He said is that what I want in 6 months and I said no (how can I say yes to someone I hardly see)

I think dumping him and freeing yourself to meet other people is the right thing to do. If you don't do that I'd call his bluff. Insist on meeting his family and when he says the stuff about "Do you want marriage and babies in the next 6 months?" Say "Yes please!" It's absolute bollocks that meeting his family would mean you'd both be forced to get married and have babies in 6 months.

[cozietoesie]

I have no idea whether he's married or in another relationship because I've met plenty of people who really didn't care too much about the other person and 'appearances'. I think that's the critical point, though. He doesn't care too much about you - you're pretty well wallpaper as far as he seems to be concerned.

I'd move on directly - and genuinely. (Not in a 'giving him an ultimatum and seeing if that stirs him into action' sort of way.) You deserve better.

[Talcott2007]

Tulip - sorry i missed your other question! I went and spent the weekend at his family home a few months after we started seeing each other. Their English is as bad as my French so DP does a lot of translating (still communication is still an issue umpteen years later!) It's probably the only thing that causes regularly causes issues in our relationship. Its not fair that he is always a translater and my relationship with PILS is not as good as it could be simply because we can't really have a real meaningful conversation! I keep trying to learn but it's really hard!

[JolseBaby]

If he wanted to, he would make time for you.

I understand that he is busy. I also - to a degree - understand why he might not want to introduce you to his family until things are more serious (my parents didn't meet DH until we were engaged). However the simple truth is that if he really wanted to, he would prioritise your relationship. When I met DH he was also working two jobs. He still found time to call me, text me and spend time with me - we didn't get a lot of sleep but that's a different story!

You have two choices; put up with it or leave. Clearly you're not happy with the status quo otherwise you wouldn't be posting here for advice, which says to me that it's time to leave.

[Marynary]

You don't see him much, you haven't met any of his friends or family, he organises all your meetings at the last minute and if you organise anything he cancels at the last minute= married or LTR. I think you need to stop being so gullible OP and do some investigating. Have you ever visited his house/flat without telling him in advance?

The fact that he has documents lying around does not demonstrate that he has a second job which he does every evening and weekend. The fact that you have seen pictures on his mobile is also meaningless because he may well have a second one.