He's too busy to see me

[Tulip1011]

I have been seeing my French bf for 8 months. We both live in london about an hour apart. He works in finance and has started another job at evenings and weekends as he hopes to be made redundant and do the second job full time. He goes to visit his family in France at least one weekend a month. He had two weeks there for xmas. He can only squeeze me in one night a week tops, never organises it in advance because he doesn't know when he has to work on the new job and it's usually a Monday or Tuesday that I see him. I am started to get really f*ed off. I'm 33 this year and want a family. He's 41, says he does too, but clearly it's not what he's thinking of at the moment. I know he has to sort the career out but I am feel bottom of the priorities. He keeps saying when he gets redundancy he will have more time but has no idea when that will be. He says he understands why I am upset, and all he wants is for me to be happy. I have no idea what to do.

[expatinscotland]

Bin him. He's not that into you/married/girlfriend/kids/whatever. Don't waste your time.

[KC225]

Do read the book 'He's just not that into you' Its not just a phrase. Not sure if he is married or in a long term relationship but eight months is a long time with no sign of effort or change. You want more, you deserve more. I think you know what to do

[lifeisasongworthsinging]

OP - your man has a job, has taken on another evening/weekend job on top of that, and regularly flies home to see his family. By all the dissecting it appears you are ignoring the signs that you are not his priority because he simply is not that into you. Whether or not he is married/has someone else, is besides the point really. Amongst all he has chosen to do, you just don't feature highly in his list of "to do's".

Actions speak louder than words but if you're hearing the words more than focusing on what the actions are telling you now then, its a road to disaster. Only you know why you are holding onto nothingness yet perceiving it as a relationship but, you need to value yourself more.

[BigJockButMoreWeeThanBigBigJoc]

Another calling bullshit.

I'm Irish and in our family growing up we only introduced serious other halves. OH is Indian and his family are very traditional. (Still an issue 20 years later …)

When we first got together I worked shifts and he had 2 jobs and a serious running habit. We still managed to see each other 3 times a week at least and we regularly saw each other's friends. In fact one of our early dates was babysitting for his best friend.

So let's add it all up.
Never see him
When you do, you don't get notice.
You've never met any of his family
You've never met any of his friends
You have no evidence he's ever even mentioned you to either friends or family.

Seriously…

[Marynary]

Op, you mentioned that you looked for your previous threads but couldn't find them so here they are:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2475680-Is-it-cos-hes-French-Pissed-off-when-he-cancels-a-date-without-rescheduling

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2535109-Having-to-cancel-a-romantic-weekend-as-he-is-not-free-AGAIN?trending=1

Wake up and smell the coffee.

[TwistInMySobriety]

I am French therefore I have mistresses. things are stereotypes for a reason. They don't even see it as cheating

That is bollocks.

[JellyTotCat]

Make today the day you sign up to online dating or join clubs to meet more people. A friend goes to local facebook social groups.

[Yakari]

I'm married to a Frenchman so recognize many of the cultural stereotypes and language issues with his family. We don't do valentines but never really been my thing either, yes family ask about babies/weddings early on but let's face it 1) you've travelled abroad to visit, it's not just a case of pop up the road for coffee, and often language makes conversation stilted so subtleties are lost in translation. But I have to say I don't recognize the mistress/cheating thing

But honestly he is seeing this as casual - not anything to do with French or not. If he's not settled down by 41 he may never wish to and if his name is Patrick living in W10 run for the hills, he will never settle!
Cut your loses - don't fall for the French 'we do it differently' crap. It's a cop out.

[choceclair123]

He did once try to arrange for me to meet a good friend but his friend had to work in the end.

That was predictable! Actions speak louder than words. I really think you're choosing to ignore all the signs. There is something not right here and I'm pretty sure there is something you don't know.

[paulapantsdown]

After reading your other threads ...... This bloke is sooooo married.

Even if he ain't (which he is) this is not a relationship in any real sense. Stop being a mug.

[HackerFucker22]

Is he the one with the parents who were sick when you were due to visit a while back? So he told you not to come and meet them?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Back in September, you said you'd give him a week to prioritise you and your relationship, and if he didn't, you'd go back to OLD.

He hasn't prioritised. He cancelled plans at late notice again just after Christmas. You are still waiting around for him.

It wouldn't matter if neither of you cared, and you were both just seeing each other to fill time when you don't have anything better on... but it's not like that for you. I think you'd make the right decision walking away now, regardless of what he does.

[roundaboutthetown]

Oh, fgs. He's hardly ever free to see you and when he is, he would rather be in France. You don't even speak sufficient French to say hello to his mother and this would be more, not less, of an issue if you were actually going to marry the man. You are nothing more than a convenient bit of occasional company to be held at arm's length. If you did meet his mother, she would be angry with him for using you.

[AcrossthePond55]

This whole thread reminds me of the Doobie Brothers song lyrics;

"What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away.
What seems to be is always better than nothing"


Good luck OP. I think you're in for a great deal of heartache.

[Straycatblue]

Talcott2007
I have said to him (last night) that things are not serious enough for me and I'm not happy and that if the only issue is the job that he should come and find me when that is sorted but I can't wait around for him. So I guess that's it for now. Happy Valentine's Day! Lol

It sounds like its the right decision, especially if telling him that hasn't changed his mind.
It's a total cliche but short term pain, long term gain. You are putting yourself first and taking control.
Hope you're treating yourself today.

[TwistInMySobriety]

He may well be married, he may well not, but his timetable doesn't suit yours. And TBH a 41-year-old guy with a City career who works all hours and who's only had one semi-serious GF in the last decade doesn't sound like ideal husband and father material in any case.

I really think you should read He's just not that into you as recommended upthread. You're 33 which means you have a bit of time to play with, but not years and years. Every day you spend hanging around waiting for this guy to bump you up your priority list is a day not spent being with a guy who does make you his top priority. Like it says in the book, don't waste the pretty.

[RB68]

Tough decision OP - well done. From here you can move forward.

[fassbendersmistress]

OP I was in a relationship that sounded very like this many years back. It finally ended because HE couldn't take the pressure any more and confessed he had been constantly cheating and seeing other girls. I felt like such a massive fool. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore or 'explain' them away...mostly with his help ('my friend couldn't make dinner, sorry' AND 'my mum will only get excited and bug me about a wedding'...if it wasn't for the fact that my ex was Italian I'd think it was the same guy - he'd be 41 now!!).

Sorry, but this is a one-sided relationship and you deserve so much more. When you meet a real man you won't know yourself! DP had his friends 'check me out' within weeks and dragged me off to meet his whole family after 2 months...and his mother is still harassing him about a wedding but we grin and bear this TOGETHER...because that's what being in a relationship is about. You don't give a flying fuck about anything else because you're in love. Dump this jerk and go find this for yourself OP!!

[MsVestibule]

I have no idea whether he is married, in a LTR, or just not that bothered about you, but it's definitely one of the three.

The saddest thing about this is that you could be with somebody who thinks you're bloody amazing, wants to spend every spare minute with you and can't wait to show you off to his friends and family. Instead, you're choosing to spend once a week with somebody who likes you, but isn't really that fussed.

[nutbrownhare15]

Agree with MsVestibule. Actions speak louder than words. I've no doubt you have a deep emotional connection to him based on his words and your physical relationship. Unfortunately you must ignore these and focus on his actions. It must be so hard, but it sounds like you have tried your best. It is tine to move on now. And expect him to up the ante to try to win you back. It won't last though. If he really loved you he would have made more of an effort already. I've been there, I know it's hard. Time to focus on how to heal and move forward. Online dating is great as a distraction tool from heartache.

[decisionsdecisions123]

But has the Op actually taken the advice of every single person on here or is she still sitting and waiting for him to call...

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Jeepers, he is definitely married. His wife is back in France.

I bet he told you that he isn't on Facebook.

And isn't it quite accepted in France for men to have a mistress? I've heard that more than once in my lifetime.

[TwistInMySobriety]

And isn't it quite accepted in France for men to have a mistress?

Nope. FFS, can we put this one to bed please? There are actually quite a lot of people on here married to / partnered with French men / who are French themselves and it's really not a nice or helpful cliché to be putting about. It might be accepted for City-type wankers to have a mistress, but then that's true in England too.

[kawliga]

I was wrong then, it WAS this same OP who posted the 'is it cos he is French' thread. I was thinking it couldn't possibly be the same OP because I thought lots of posters cleared that up on the other thread

OP forget about the commitment issue, I think the bigger issue is that you are still asking the same questions and you are convinced that the most important factor here must be that he is French. The only poster on here who has caught your attention is the one with a French DP!

You are obviously latching onto the 'French' issue as the explanation for your dysfunctional relationship - though it's a great excuse, I grant you that. If people ask what you did for Valentine's you're able to say 'nothing, because my DP is French and he had to go to France to see his parents' and that sounds perfectly reasonable.