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AIBU?

He's too busy to see me

99 replies

Tulip1011 · 13/02/2016 17:22

I have been seeing my French bf for 8 months. We both live in london about an hour apart. He works in finance and has started another job at evenings and weekends as he hopes to be made redundant and do the second job full time. He goes to visit his family in France at least one weekend a month. He had two weeks there for xmas. He can only squeeze me in one night a week tops, never organises it in advance because he doesn't know when he has to work on the new job and it's usually a Monday or Tuesday that I see him. I am started to get really f*ed off. I'm 33 this year and want a family. He's 41, says he does too, but clearly it's not what he's thinking of at the moment. I know he has to sort the career out but I am feel bottom of the priorities. He keeps saying when he gets redundancy he will have more time but has no idea when that will be. He says he understands why I am upset, and all he wants is for me to be happy. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:

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gooseberryroolz · 13/02/2016 17:56

Dump. Move on.

You don't have this much time to waste if you want DC. He won't change.

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decisionsdecisions123 · 13/02/2016 17:57

I think you need to consider, as many other have said already, that all is possibly not as it seems, or its exactly as it seems and he just isn't that interested in you. Either way, move on.

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DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 13/02/2016 18:02

He only sees you once a week, which he can't organise in advance because he doesn't know if his wife will want him home early he has to work.

You haven't met any of his friends or family - he would only introduce you if you were engaged.

You've taken the fact that he shows you photos on his phone as out and out proof that he's not married.

He's married. Sorry.

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ToffeeForEveryone · 13/02/2016 18:03

He's not too busy, he just doesn't want to make time for you.

I wouldn't automatically assume that he has another wife/gf, but you haven't met his friends, or his family, and you don't even spend weekends together. This is not a relationship, he is viewing it as casual dating at most.

Cut your losses OP

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Junosmum · 13/02/2016 18:04

Have you posted about him before? He doesn't sound like he is committed to the relationship. He may say the right things but his actions are the important thing here. Step back from, or end the relationship. If he is serious about you this will whip him in to action, if he isn't then you are best out of this now.

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iwanttobeanonymous · 13/02/2016 18:04

I had a "relationship" like this, discovered that he had a fiancee who he went on to marry.
I ran into him a few years later and he was trying to get me to a hotel room with him. And a few years later still he wrote to me again suggesting "coffee". I reckon I had a lucky escape and feel sorry for his dw.

for the sake of those who will ask, he doesn't know where I live or my married name (thank god) . He wrote via my old address, the people there know that I am still friends with the neighbours and passed it on.

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choceclair123 · 13/02/2016 18:04

You haven't met any of his friends or family so basically you only know what he has told you. For him to say he will only introduce you to his family if you're engaged is another red flag. Seriously I really think from what you've said that this one is well dodgy. Sorry but from what you've said it sounds like he's basically coming around for his Tuesday night shag.

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AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2016 18:06

Two possibilities, neither speaking of much of a future:

1-He's married or in a LTR. Nothing you've pointed at as 'proof' that he's not married/committed really proves any such thing.

2-He's just not that into you. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't want to make you an integral part of his life. By 8 months you should have met his friends, if not his family.

Has he ever even indicated that he's spoken of you to friends or family? Such as "I told my friend/my mother that you made me a delicious cake" or "I told XXX that you and I did ZZZ" or "XXX and I were saying that we all should have dinner"? Have you ever asked to 'double date' with one of his friends or that you'd like to invite a few of them for dinner at yours?

I agree with a PP that you need to start seeing others. And please, do tell him you are going to do so. His reaction might be very enlightening, especially if you couch it in terms of not feeling that he wants a committed relationship because, although you've made him part of your life, he has not made you part of his!

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bloodyteenagers · 13/02/2016 18:09

You cannot know for certain that he isn't married.
Lack of pictures mean fuck all.
Going to a flat means nothing.
You haven't met his mates or family.

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JessieMcJessie · 13/02/2016 18:10

Few financial sector jobs would permit second employment. Are you really sure about this second job?

But regardless of whether he is spinning you a yarn or not he sounds like a total drag and you sound like you have very low self esteem for putting up with a half- arsed relationship. Part ways amicably and fine someone who deserves you.

You might also benefit from reading the book " he's just not that into you".

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Olddear · 13/02/2016 18:11

Well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, why not pop round as a surprise with a bottle of wine and a card......

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SharkSkinThing · 13/02/2016 18:20

Agree with others I'm afraid.

He's not worth your time for whatever reason.

Take action and start afresh!

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Scarydinosaurs · 13/02/2016 18:29

I'm sorry you are in this situation. As unpalatable as it may seem, he probably is married/with someone else.

I hope you can feel confident enough in yourself to leave him and start dating people who are worthy to be with you.

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toffeeboffin · 13/02/2016 18:31

Second job? Other woman.

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toffeeboffin · 13/02/2016 18:33

Hate to point out the obvious OP but it does sound like you are in FB territory.

It's not because he's French, it's because he's an idiot.

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paulapantsdown · 13/02/2016 18:38

Well whether he has someone else or not, he is just not that into you, sorry.

This man is not your boyfriend. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. You would have been with him in France over xmas for example.

Have the once a week date and nice sex if you like, but its time to start looking for the real thing in the meantime, cos this ain't it.

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BillSykesDog · 13/02/2016 18:39

Wow, some people are gullible! He's married or has another partner.

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roundaboutthetown · 13/02/2016 18:40

Won't let you meet his family unless and until you are engaged, but hasn't got engaged to you, and you think he wants a family with you? You sound severely deluded and he doesn't sound remotely serious. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is stringing along a girlfriend in France with the same excuses. Even if he isn't, he's not all that into you, is he?

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/02/2016 18:41

I think, therefore I am.

I'm French, therefore I have mistresses.

Bit of a sweeping generalisation there, sorry folks, but things are stereotypes for a reason. They don't even see it as cheating.

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kawliga · 13/02/2016 18:43

Someone I worked with once introduced me to her boyfriend. I almost fell over, because I knew that 'boyfriend' - he was a fiancé of a friend of mine who was studying abroad for a year - so he had taken on a temporary 'girlfriend' without telling the temp that he was engaged to be married to someone else.

OP, this guy may not be married, but he clearly has some long term plans which do not include you. Maybe you are just his British temp. I bet he has a whole other life in France - not necessarily a wife but a life that does not include you.

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roundaboutthetown · 13/02/2016 18:44

And he works in finance - a career which calls for ruthlessness more than integrity.

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Marynary · 13/02/2016 18:49

His story that he has a second evening/weekend job just in case he gets made redundant from the first sounds highly unlikely. Do you even know what his second job is and where is is?
It could be that he isn't that interested in you and doesn't want to see you more than once a week but if that was the case he probably wouldn't bother making up a story. It is far more likely that he is married or in a long term relationship.

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Yika · 13/02/2016 18:52

I agree that the second job sounds like a tall tale.

I'm quite naive generally speaking but I agree with all the PP. At the very least this is a relationship that's going nowhere. At worst he has another life.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/02/2016 18:55

Did you post about this a few months ago? There's another person with a really similar French boyfriend in London, if not.

Anyway, he'd make time if he wanted too. You're not a priority. Walk away. He probably won't put any effort into following but on the off chance he does, remember that you can do better than someone who only wants to see you once a week and is pretty much indifferent to you.

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MudCity · 13/02/2016 18:57

YANBU to want more.

I can understand his work situation being a priority but I think, given your time together is limited, he could easily take you to France with him.

You mention that he has met your friends but you haven't met his...I think you need to tell him that these arrangements are not enough for you.

If he makes significant changes, then you will know he is serious about you. If he makes excuses, then you will know it is time to go your own way.

Better to find out now than wait several years...

I know several single men in their 40s and I think a lot of them have got to the stage of not really needing or wanting a relationship, let alone a family. They are used to putting themselves first and it would be hard for them to adapt to having someone else in their life.

It is fine to want more but I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket for this man. Time to let him know that you are going to spread your wings a bit and date other people.

Good luck.