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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should just stop being a nap slave and come out

89 replies

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 12:12

I've a 'mum friend' I met at a playgroup just after our LO's were born and we used to see each other a few times a week.

What's driving me mad is that recently she appears to be unable to plan anything due to uncertain nap times for her baby girl.

Take yesterday - she texted asking me to go shopping with her but when I tried to pin a time down she said it depended when she napped and she couldn't say - am I meant to just be on call for when it suits her!? Our babies are the same age and have the same sleeping challenges.

And when we do manage to pin down a time she's always late due to napping (meaning I sit alone twiddling my thumbs) or she rushes off early to get her to nap.

I really don't understand this nap slavery. Surely her whole life can't revolve around her baby's napping schedule (or non schedule!). Sometimes babies have to work around normal life surely!

And it's not because she doesn't want to meet as she's always saying she wants to meet more. But this is getting very boring now....

OP posts:

NotMyMonkey · 29/01/2016 12:13

Doesn't she have a pram that the baby can nap in whilst she is out?

BarbarianMum · 29/01/2016 12:15

YANBU to not want to run your life around her baby's naps. She may, or may not, be unreasonable to plan her's round them though. Some babies don't sleep anywhere and everywhere, or are generally bad sleepers so she may feel she has to prioritise them.

BillSykesDog · 29/01/2016 12:16

That's just silly. She could nap in a pram or sling.

Original poster

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 12:17

Her daughter is not a bad sleeper. She sleeps through the night and I've seen her napping in the pram loads of times.

My own baby doesn't really sleep out and about and sometimes it's a pain but you can't sit in the whole time awaiting a nap!

OP posts:

kaymondo · 29/01/2016 12:18

Does her baby only nap in her cot? I know it's annoying but when you have a baby who doesn't sleep in their pushchair it does limit what you can do. DS2 was like this from around when he turned 1 until he gave up napping entirely on his 2nd birthday! I hated it as I would have loved to be out and about, but at the end of the day, dealing with an overtired grumpy baby who's missed a sleep because I wanted to meet friends is not good!

Having said that, if she's not tried letting the baby nap in the pushchair then she is just being a bit of a martyr! Could you not meet for brunch in the morning to avoid the nap issue?

kaymondo · 29/01/2016 12:19

Sorry, X posted - yep sounds like she's just making her life more difficult than it needs to be!

CottonFrock · 29/01/2016 12:21

Obviously you can't schedule your social life around a baby's naps, but cut her some slack - she may be having a very hard time, and (especially if the baby is not one of life's sleepers) be underconfident and wary of trying something new, like seeing whether her child will nap while out.

I have sympathy with her, not matter how unreasonable you think she is being - I was a bundle of nerves during the small baby stage, only in my case (because I was feeding via s supplemental feeding system to try to stimulate supply because BF wasn't working) the clash was between a desperate desire to see other adults and fear and horror at having to cart all feeding supplies with me, and get half-naked in public to tape the ducts onto my nipples etc etc.

whifflesqueak · 29/01/2016 12:23

ooh I'm a nap slave.

mine will only sleep in his cot. for approx 1.5 hours. smack bang in the middle of the day.

it's a pain, but he's just not pleasant to be around if this can't be achieved.

CruCru · 29/01/2016 12:27

Honestly, I was DEFINITELY a nap slave! It was awful but my life was so much worse when the nap didn't happen. It won't be like this forever, most kids stop napping at some point when they are two.

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 29/01/2016 12:28

Ditto whiffle I have twins and I absolutely have to put them down in their cots for their afternoon naps otherwise they won't sleep at all and then fall asleep in the car on the way home. The knock on effect of that is bedtime is ridiculously late and froight with screaming sleep resistant babies and I end up drinking half a bottle of wine just to ease the pain.... Sorry but is take an easy life over meeting up with a friend who doesn't have any sympathy or empathy for the horror that would await me later on in the day.....

Plateofcrumbs · 29/01/2016 12:29

I think it quite easy to get a bit obsessive about naps and sleep - perhaps especially when things are working well (sleeping through night etc). A bit like a footballer with lucky socks, you become convinced the only reason it is working is because you're doing X,Y or Z, and so you daren't change anything.

My NCT group meets always used to be 'nap dependent' - we'd arrange to meet in a park or at someone's house and we'd come and go depending on nap routines. Was a pain when some dropped to one lunchtime nap and others were on a morning and afternoon nap as there was never a good time to meet!

beela · 29/01/2016 12:34

Hmm, I was a bit like this with DC1.

DC2.... not so much.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 29/01/2016 12:36

My dd would only sleep in her cot! If she missed a nap it would have a knock on effect all night. Horrible.

But now my best friend is a breast feeding slave. Her dd is 14 months old and the world has to stop while she feeds. Things that have been booked for months are getting cancelled as she thought she would have been weened off by now. I sit twiddling my thumbs a lot

paxillin · 29/01/2016 12:37

I was a bit like that in the hazy early PFB days until a friend asked me just when I would no longer be unavailable in the late morning (morning nap), mid-afternoon (afternoon nap) evening (bedtime). I realised I am a little precious perhaps and maybe the whole world won't stop for my PFB. It should have of course, but didn't Just tell her, you might be doing her a favour.

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 29/01/2016 12:38

Tends to be a PFB thing - by the time DC2 arrives you have the schedules of DC1 as well so DC2 just has to fit in.

Plateofcrumbs · 29/01/2016 12:38

My DS also used to scream for half an hour if he was woken prematurely from a nap. Sometimes he'd have an unexpectedly long nap and I'd have to cancel or change plans but it wasn't worth the hysterics if I woke him.

HopingForBetter · 29/01/2016 12:39

If she wants to run her life like this, up to her.
She is BU to ask other people (you) to inconvenience yourself and basically work your child's nap's around her's.

Can you suggest you meet at her house until this stage has passed for them?

Original poster

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 12:40

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying naps aren't important and I know babies are hard work without them. I don't have an issue with someone cancelling a plan because they've had a bad nap day, I've done it myself.

My issue is its not an afternoon nap or a morning nap or a lunchtime nap. There is no time we can arrange in advance. Apparently naps could happen at any time and she mustn't arrange anything just in case!

To reiterate she does not have a hard baby or a bad sleeper either

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/01/2016 12:41

Maybe the baby isn't sleeping well at night and naps during the day are the only rest the mum and baby are getting at the moment?

Rinceoir · 29/01/2016 12:41

I don't get the nap slavery either. I had just moved to the UK when I had my baby and needed to get out and meet people as I had no family or friends in the country. But my DD was fairly cheery even when she didn't nap well, and in fact napped best in her pram/sling so suited perfectly.

skankingpiglet · 29/01/2016 12:45

How old are your babies?

BarbarianMum · 29/01/2016 12:45

Well if she won't arrange anything then you can't meet, can you? Or arrange to meet somewhere you are going anyway "I'll be at the park 2pm - 4pm if you can make it" or "I'm free b/w 10 and 12 if you'd like to come round." just don't rely on her presence.

3WiseWomen · 29/01/2016 12:45

I was a nap slave in that I was very attached to the schedule my dcs had developed and I found it hard to change that.
Because otherwise, both of them were very grumpy, hard to settle in the evening etc...
I was finding it hard enough already not to want to add more stress into it. People around me though probably never realised how hard I did find it.

PicnicPie · 29/01/2016 12:48

I'm a nap slave. I live for the 2 hours where both my toddlers are sound asleep in their cots and I can eat, watch TV, do chores and MN in peace! My family hates it but it's only for another year or so!

Original poster

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 12:49

Babies are 5 months old

Her baby does sleep well at night - straight through. She is not exhausted and distressed - I'm not heartless!

3wisewomen I understand if they have a schedule you stick to - what I don't understand is when there is no schedule you can't just sit in all day

OP posts:

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