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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should just stop being a nap slave and come out

89 replies

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 12:12

I've a 'mum friend' I met at a playgroup just after our LO's were born and we used to see each other a few times a week.

What's driving me mad is that recently she appears to be unable to plan anything due to uncertain nap times for her baby girl.

Take yesterday - she texted asking me to go shopping with her but when I tried to pin a time down she said it depended when she napped and she couldn't say - am I meant to just be on call for when it suits her!? Our babies are the same age and have the same sleeping challenges.

And when we do manage to pin down a time she's always late due to napping (meaning I sit alone twiddling my thumbs) or she rushes off early to get her to nap.

I really don't understand this nap slavery. Surely her whole life can't revolve around her baby's napping schedule (or non schedule!). Sometimes babies have to work around normal life surely!

And it's not because she doesn't want to meet as she's always saying she wants to meet more. But this is getting very boring now....

OP posts:

Rebelwithoutapause · 29/01/2016 13:38

I think it's OK to be a bit of a nap slave if you know when your kid is going to nap and can work around it, or if you are doing a routine or some such.

If you don't know when the nap is going to be, i think you need to get on with life and let them nap out and about.

Or you can stop trying to meet people and be a nap slave by yourself.

Dicking you about isn't on though.

TheEagle · 29/01/2016 13:39

I suppose everyone just does it differently - whatever works well for one baby/parent mightn't work for another.

I've 9.5 mo DTs who won't nap in the buggy any more and for the past five days won't fucking nap in the mornings at all.

If they don't have decent naps they are like (2!) bags of cats and the afternoon is a whiny unpleasant time for everyone.

They nap best in their cots so I do try to be home for that. I don't think it's such a big deal; I make my plans around that.

I was much less precious about DS1, he napped everywhere and anywhere because there was only 1 of him. Now he's 27 mo and no longer naps apart from if he's ill.

I think YANBU because it's not the way I would do things but she's obviously got a system so let her off!

Jw35 · 29/01/2016 13:40

Yanbu I'm not a nap slave but I do try and get home around 12ish for my 13 month olds afternoon nap most days. However I still went to the science museum last Saturday and dd slept in the buggy. If I had something fun to do I would go out but as a rule I try and be home as much as poss in the afternoon.

At 5 months her baby will need 2 naps a day so not having any schedule and living her life around naps seems a bit bonkers and restrictive to me. I'd go out and let him nap in the buggy-more chance to shop then!

Bottom line is babies are adaptable and getting out is good stimulation for them anyway. A 5 month old doesn't need that much leeway.

Pseudo341 · 29/01/2016 13:43

"Our babies are the same age and have the same sleeping challenges."

Surely noone believes that? They're all different.

poocatcherchampion · 29/01/2016 13:45

But its not about being a nap slave tho. It is about being a totally flaky friend.

I am a nap slave in that I like my second child to have a sleep in their bed in the afternoon. But I don't message my friends and arrange to meet and not commit to a time, I meet in the morning or occasionally sacrifice the nap. I don't leave people waiting around for me.

Op - I think yoy need to get on with it and not hold out for this person.

Original poster

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 14:18

I think a lot of people seem to be misunderstanding me. I'm really not saying she should ignore her baby's need to nap and cart her out and then deal with a grumpy baby. What I am saying is as she has NO daytime nap schedule she can't really sit in all day in the worry that she might want one at some point?

All the people saying their baby slept at such and such a time and they avoided going out then. I get that!

I guess I'll just have to leave her to it but am a little disappointed as I don't have lots of mum friends round here. Feel like I invested in her and now she's flaky!!

OP posts:

poocatcherchampion · 29/01/2016 14:30

I understood you

Original poster

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 14:32

poocatcherchampion you were the best understander!

OP posts:

zoobaby · 29/01/2016 14:33

Maybe she's just not that into you?

Seriously though, she can do what she likes and you'll just have to accept that you can't make definite plans with her yet (if ever).

NanaNina · 29/01/2016 14:34

Hope your friend isn't a MNetter or the naps might be the least of your problems! zzzzzzz

Fugghetaboutit · 29/01/2016 14:36

My friend is like this and her ds is 3! Weird.

poocatcherchampion · 29/01/2016 14:41

Yesssss! Winner!

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/01/2016 14:44

Northern I do understand what you're saying the thread has just gone off track a bit!

feesh · 29/01/2016 14:48

But at 5 months, that would be 3 naps a day, right? My DTs napped at that age 9.30-11am, 12.30-2pm and 3.30-4pm. Morning nap and afternoon nap was in their cots; last nap was usually driving round in the car so I got out the house. It wasn't easy to get out around a nap schedule in those days.

In a couple of months or so they will be going down to 2 naps and it will be easier to get out.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 29/01/2016 14:48

how annoying. I thought it may be because he child always slept at a certain time but how odd that it is anytime and can you be flexible around it.

shebird · 29/01/2016 14:52

Personally I would not equate unpredictable random nap times with a good sleeper unless we are taking about a very young baby.

BasinHaircut · 29/01/2016 14:55

Northern I understand what you are saying but you say she has a 'not hard' and 'good sleeping' baby. Not really true if she doesn't have a nap routine.

Sleeping well at night is one thing, but at 5 months if the child isn't having 2 good naps a day then I imagine she is having a pretty rough time.

I'd cut her some slack.

I was a nap slave from when DS dropped to 1 nap until fairly recently. He is 2.6 now and still has an hour most days but not every day and not at a scheduled time (although between 11 and 2 is still best) so I can be more flexible.

But when he simply couldn't get through the day without a nap, I arranged my life around it for sure. Nap time was 2-2.5hrs of bliss. Id have my lunch, put my feet up and catch up on some TV. I couldn't bear the thought of getting through the day without that time. Didn't matter that he has always slept well at night, both he and I still needed that rest during the day.

If you are not having the same struggle I just don't think you can understand it

Veritat · 29/01/2016 14:57

I suspect she's not doing her baby any favours - they'd all be better off if she had a regular nap time. There would be no way she could do this if she had an older child she had to collect from nursery or school.

HPsauciness · 29/01/2016 15:12

The most obvious answer is to go round to her house for a few months til the napping changes. Perhaps she has an extra travel cot there for your baby to nap in:)

It is annoying, though, because she is flaky. Having said that, when my baby was 5 months old I did find going out an utter chore because of naps/then not settling and there just didn't seem to be much time between them. Both mine did sleep long naps in the afternoon (up to 2 hours) at the same time as I put them down together (22 months apart), and that was so precious I was prepared to forgo most outside activities for that 2 hours of rest- I used to run to the bed and have a nap myself.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/01/2016 15:17

This used to drive me mad. A few of my friends were nap slaves and insisted on staying home between 1 and 3 every day while their babies napped in their cots! This meant they couldn't go out for lunch! It's especially annoying in the winter when if you meet outside at 3.30, there's hardly aby daylight left. My two dc just napped wherever we were. I just found it crazy because they did this until dc stopped napping at 2 or 3. I just can't imagine planning my life around naps for so long.

Original poster

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 15:32

basinhaircut and others saying that babies have 2-3 set nap times a day at 5 months, I'm agog! Out of all the mums of babies this age that I know I don't think I know one who has yet to crack set nap times and can plan religiously around these.

My daughter sleeps regularly during day but I don't know what time she will first wake up (anywhere from 5:30 - 7:30 am) which affects things and if it will be a 45 minute nap or a 2 hour nap which will the change the next nap time and amount of naps she needs per day.

All my friends have this ongoing battle, with chaos including me, but she is the only one who is flaky with friends and rigid about staying home.

OP posts:

Plateofcrumbs · 29/01/2016 15:40

When my DS was that age he had a schedule of how long he'd be awake between naps before he got tired and needed a sleep. Problem was this dictated by when he woke in the morning, which could vary by about 2 hours. Some days he'd be onto his first nap by 8am, some days he'd just be waking up. And some days he'd roll two sleep cycles together into a long nap, other days naps would be 20mins. So on any given day his nap times could vary by hours. And he would only sleep either on me or pacing about in buggy/sling (woke if we stopped moving). So it was very hard to plan, I never did baby classes as it was impossible to know whether he'd be sleeping or not.

sadie9 · 29/01/2016 15:47

To be honest this Mum friend may be having a touch of social anxiety disorder or something. Maybe the idea of a one to one situation, cup of coffee, shopping etc is too much for her. It is very common, especially with new mums to experience this. It can be mistaken for someone being unsocial, or stand offish. The idea of meeting someone for coffee, shopping seems like a great THOUGHT when you are discussing it. Yet when the time comes to actually go somewhere, she finds it difficult to implement the plan. Meeting people when others are there, to take the attention off you, is much easier for people like this. So a toddler group is easier than meeting one other person for coffee. The one to one meet-ups are much harder. So yes cut her a bit of slack, and at the same time continue in your quest to meet other Mums who do enjoy socialising.

BasinHaircut · 29/01/2016 15:53

northern I think you have misunderstood me. I'm not saying there will be set nap times, but it sounds like you have Sussed out roughly when your DC will nap, and can judge variations based on waking times and nap lengths, and you feel you can confidently get on with life whilst this goes on.

Your friend clearly hasn't managed that and that is the difference. We all have different experiences of having a young baby. What seems like a no brainer to you might not be so simple for the next person and vice versa.

NickyEds · 29/01/2016 16:00

YANBU but I really think you should give your friend a break. It must be exhausting having your life revolve around your baby's sleep and having to let your mates down. My 2 year old naps for 2 hours in the afternoon and I really prefer him to have it at home. I also have a 6 month old and if ds is in his cot, all of the stars align and I've been very good there might be 40 minutes when they both sleep at the same time and i can actually do something! Maybe nap times are the only chunks of time she gets to herself so are very precious?

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