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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should just stop being a nap slave and come out

89 replies

NorthernRosie · 29/01/2016 12:12

I've a 'mum friend' I met at a playgroup just after our LO's were born and we used to see each other a few times a week.

What's driving me mad is that recently she appears to be unable to plan anything due to uncertain nap times for her baby girl.

Take yesterday - she texted asking me to go shopping with her but when I tried to pin a time down she said it depended when she napped and she couldn't say - am I meant to just be on call for when it suits her!? Our babies are the same age and have the same sleeping challenges.

And when we do manage to pin down a time she's always late due to napping (meaning I sit alone twiddling my thumbs) or she rushes off early to get her to nap.

I really don't understand this nap slavery. Surely her whole life can't revolve around her baby's napping schedule (or non schedule!). Sometimes babies have to work around normal life surely!

And it's not because she doesn't want to meet as she's always saying she wants to meet more. But this is getting very boring now....

OP posts:

notenoughbottle · 29/01/2016 12:51

I had a friend like this when ds2 was a baby. Her dd slept well at night and although she would nap in pram the mum was adamant it had to be in the cot. Used to ruin any plans we ever had as she would always cancel and everything had to revolve around her and her dd despite there being a group of around 5/6 of us. Needless to say after around a year we all fell out of touch with her. However - fast forward 7 years now and my dd is the same as my friends daughter... She's 2.6 and if she doesn't nap in her cot for two hours daily then God help us all! I've made sure I'm not a slave to it though but do take it into consideration eg I know if no nap then there's a bad night ahead, and I now realise how my friend must have felt. YANBU to be a bit annoyed but maybe the mum doesn't realise what impact it's having on you're friendship?

RabbitSaysWoof · 29/01/2016 12:52

I was always out with my child when he was a baby, a few of my friends had dc at the same time so we were always the visitors, if I am lucky enough to have another that is the one thing I would do differently, by the time he was old enough to be interested in whats going on around him he was the overtired child, and all the nice social things were not as nice as a day when we stayed in. Because I had a very small flat at the time I wanted to get out, but actually he would have been better off to have he's own bed the sleeps were so much longer at home.

MangoBiscuit · 29/01/2016 12:52

I was a nap slave with DD1. But if I messed about with her nap times, she got increasingly grumpy, then slept poorly that night, and was a general nightmare for about 36 hours. That said, I still made plans to fit around nap times. A few people would make plans, then want to change times, usually to include lunch, and would get cross with me for not wanting to change plans. That made me cross.

Your friend is being a bit precious, and a bit rude though. If she wants to meet, she needs to pick a time, and work around it. BarbarianMum's suggestion is a good one.

MuddlingMackem · 29/01/2016 12:53

LegoRuinedMyFinances Fri 29-Jan-16 12:38:28

KERALA1 · 29/01/2016 12:55

Tedious. When in London I trained pfb to nap only in buggy and went on all sorts of jaunts about town whilst the Gina ford nap only in darkened room crowd sat at home.

toffeeboffin · 29/01/2016 12:55

I'm a nap slave too, sorry.

But it's the best.

Artandco · 29/01/2016 12:56

I don't understand this. Both mine napped daily until 3-4 years. With two of them that would have been 6 years of life on hold

What do people do if they have say 5 children, one every 2 years, put life on hold 10-12 years+?

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/01/2016 12:58

It's definitely not a pfb thing.

Ds1 was easy peasy. I'm a total nap slave to ds2 7 months. He will only sleep in his cot, if he doesn't nap he's a complete nightmare, won't eat and screams and moans, plus it messes up the night as he's overtired.

His big nap just happens to be 12-2.30, great.

Having said that if I want to go out I just make it morning or I accept it's going to be a bad day and try to catch up the next day.

2point0Children · 29/01/2016 13:00

I was a nap slave, and completely obsessive about routine. I was absolutely firm that they only slept in their cots, because I wanted them to associate the cot with sleep.

Downside was I had no social life at all (not that I would have otherwise, I expect). Upside was they are both great sleepers now possibly as a result of the firm routine or possibly not, who knows!

However I'd never inflict that routine on other people, mess them about or expect them to fit round my children's naps!!

Floggingmolly · 29/01/2016 13:02

All my kids would only sleep in the pram. I have to say; I'd have happily been a nap slave given half a chance, instead of pounding the pavements (they woke up when the buggy stopped moving / went indoors) hail, rain or shine without being able to actually go anywhere.

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/01/2016 13:02

Op on what you say yanbu but I can't imagine why she would be like that if her baby is such a good sleeper as you say.

MaryMarigold · 29/01/2016 13:05

Haha, my SIL was like this with her 2 DC. On one memorable occasion she missed most of Sunday lunch at my PIL's house as she was sat outside the house in her car for more than an hour with a napping baby. We were all a bit .

KC225 · 29/01/2016 13:05

I was also a nap slave. And I don't regret it. Like bestoast, I also had twins and neither would sleep in the pushchair. I had to take them home to nap and and if they didn't have a nap the whole afternoon evening bedtime was awful. Their nap time was also the time I got my admin/calls done. They napped until a week before nursery.

Thinking back I put up with some sly digs from other mums who accused me of being neurotic and over indulgent. Napstapo's. Wish I'd told them where to stick their waking hours.

Cut her some slack. Your routine is not her routine. Both different. Maybe she can arrange for her partner/relative/friend to look after little one and then she can go out with you.

skankingpiglet · 29/01/2016 13:06

My DD was still a bit all over the place with naps at 5mo to be fair to your friend. However because this was a pain in the arse we would just go out anyway as agreed and if she was tired she could sleep in the buggy. Does her baby not sleep anywhere but at home? I like a PP's idea of meeting at hers for the time being unless her pfb will only sleep in complete silence.
IMO there has to be give and take between you and your baby: you give them opportunities to sleep and make allowances for it in your plans, but you need to do things/see people too (for your sanity) and they need to learn the flexibility of sleeping at different times sometimes and in different locations. Although as I previously mentioned DD was an appalling sleeper so perhaps my approach isn't the best. We can however take her anywhere, and have, and she copes very well with it.

Cachareltastic · 29/01/2016 13:13

When DD slept in the carrycot part of the pram I loved lunching out with friends but when DD napped at lunch time I declined lunch dates unless it was a late lunch (a late roast on a Sunday was perfect but not between 12 and 2pm) my attitude is that missing a few lunch dates whilst she is young is better than having a crabby/upset child and me spending money on a meal that I cant enjoy if DD was awake/not settling.

I would have no issues with someone cancelling me due to a babies nap, its happened recently in fact.

PushAPushPop · 29/01/2016 13:15

Do you think she might like to have a nap when he does? That may be why she wants to be at home, maybe she doesn't want to say she is napping as well?

I still sometimes have a rest go to sleep when ds 2.4 has his afternoon nap, and it sets me up till bedtime, even though he sleeps solidly for 11 hours a night. Occasionally, I just get wiped out and feel the need to bed down!

Throwingshade · 29/01/2016 13:16

There are always mothers like this around. They used to drive me crazy with eating/napping schedules.

Gravitate towards less uptight mum friends and re-find her when she's returned from Planet Baby (I found they all usually came out of this bubble by about a year)

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 29/01/2016 13:16

For those that say its not just a DC1 thing - what did you do when you had activities for DC1 planned? Did you just cancel for DC2's nap?

DC1 was in school by the time DC2 came along - I can't imagine not collecting DC1 just because DC2 may be napping.

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/01/2016 13:24

Lego I have a ds1 at school and a ds2 a baby. Honestly it was a fucking nightmare. Ds2 can fight his sleep for hours, he will not just nod off in the car/pram, it's nothing I've done wrong it's just the way he is.

Eventually we've managed to get into a routine that fits nicely around school and ds1s activities. It can be a rush in the evening though to fit in the baby's tea before swimming lessons and stuff. It's kind of another reason for being a nap slave though.

Honestly you could walk this baby for miles in the pram and he will not sleep.

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/01/2016 13:27

I do go out though even at midday. Weekends the routine goes out if the window because we need a life, but ds2 is hard work.

I think he's been given to me as punishment for being smug about my content, smiley, sleepy ds1.

riya12 · 29/01/2016 13:30

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IPityThePontipines · 29/01/2016 13:33

Yes, I too am one of those mothers with the DC1 who slept anywhere and the DC2 who loves only her own cot.

Lego, mine have a similar age gap to yours. I've timed Dd2's nap so that she's awake before school pickup and she loves meeting Dd1 at school, so she's very happy to get up and do that.

At weekends, during the nap, I'll often go out with Dd1, leaving napping Dd2 with DH, so that works out nicely too.

OP - I understand your frustration, but I'd be patient and/or leave her to it.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 29/01/2016 13:34

Maybe her baby is a good sleeper because she is a nap slave.

I'm more of a nap slave with DC2 because DC1 is at school, so naps have to be finished before school pick-up. We'll be out of it soon I hope.

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 29/01/2016 13:34

That sounds hellish pyjama. Think I got lucky as I never really had a routine with DC2, but she was a fairly laid back baby. Equally, I would have taken her with me if she was tired anyway.

Ironically she is a great sleeper and still fairly happy go lucky.

I wasn't a nap slave with DC1 either - but he was in hospital for the first six months and he was well trained by the nurses to sleep through when we finally got him home

stugtank · 29/01/2016 13:35

What's not to get about nap slavery?

A guaranteed period of quiet time and a happier more well rested baby/toddler later in the day.

All three of mine have napped in their cot after lunch. I just do things in the morning then home for lunch. It means I'm a better and rested mum for my older two getting home from school.

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