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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godmother jealousy

78 replies

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2016 21:49

DD2 has a godmother who is amazing at presents (Christmas, birthday, just because...), sending messages, making an effort to get together as a whole family etc. Makes DD2 feel really special. DD1's godmother is rubbish. Maybe she gets a text (via me, even though she has had her own phone for over a year now, doubt godmother even knows the number) on her birthday. No presents, no acknowledgement of any sort of special relationship between them, nothing. Godmother barely asks about her when we see each other, and it is only ever me and her, never with the whole family.

We were together at the weekend with DD2's godmother (again) and she handed over yet another (lovely, thoughtful) little trinket. DD1's face was so sad.

There's nothing I can do, is there.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 18/01/2016 21:53

Nothing, you didn't choose well. I did the same and live with the guilt.

IrenetheQuaint · 18/01/2016 21:57

Oh, poor DD1!

i am a (reasonably keen) godmother and would feel bad about this situation. Can you ask DD2's godmother to take an interest in DD1 too? Or nominate a non-godmother for DD1, perhaps a more recent friend she gets on with?

IrenetheQuaint · 18/01/2016 21:58

Friend of yours, I mean. I would love to be asked this.

WorraLiberty · 18/01/2016 21:59

See I couldn't give a child a present in front of their sibling, and not buy something for them too, godmother or not.

Could you have a word and ask her to be a bit more 'low key' if that's possible?

Nothing you can really do to force the other GM to take an interest.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/01/2016 22:00

Could you explain the upset your friend is causing? I am a god mother to one nephew others not christened .. They all get the same.

nocabbageinmyeye · 18/01/2016 22:00

Its a bit shit to give to one and not the other (birthdays aside), I couldn't do it myself but nope nothing you can do about it really, except maybe ask her to make less of a big deal about gifts in front of dd1

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2016 22:02

Godmother 1 and 2 are actually friends (sometimes more like frenemies) themselves which feels like it makes things even more complicated.

I just feel so bad for DD1.

OP posts:
Princesspond · 18/01/2016 22:06

I am God mother to one child and not her sister, but I treat them both the same. The other daughter's God mother isn't that interested. I'm surprised that the 'keen' God mother hasn't realised that your other daughter feels left out.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/01/2016 22:06

We only buy for godchildren not their siblings. We have six between us, if we added siblings we would have to buy for about 20 kids and we aren't going to do that.

With our own dc, some are luckier than others with godparent attention. It's just the way it is.

You made godparent choice, but you cant make sure they behave accordingly infortunately.

Maybe explain to her that the other godmother is absent, so could she just stick to birthdays and christmas or something like that.

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 22:11

Are you a godmother, OP?

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2016 22:15

Leelu NO I am not and I sooooooo wish I was.

Godmother 1 is one of my closest friends. We worked together, we were flatmates, I introduced her to her DH, we were bridesmaids at each others' weddings. I really thought that she would be the Cool Big Sister / Auntie type of godmother. We are not as close as we used to be, and she has 3 boys where I have 2 girls, maybe that is part of the problem? I am also hoping that maybe as DD1 grows into teenagehood they might get closer. I'm probably dreaming though. Wishful thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2016 22:18

I keep looking at my unmarried or childless friends and wishing they would get married or produce a sprog for me to be godmother to. More wishful thinking.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 22:23

Is your DD2's godmother a friend too?

(Just wondering if family make better GMs).

TheSpottedZebra · 18/01/2016 22:23

But its meant to be about religion isn't it? Not stuff. (says the atheist).
Did you discuss with them what your hopes or expectations were with regards to godparenting?

cleaty · 18/01/2016 22:30

I think this is just something children have to learn to deal with.

WelshMoth · 18/01/2016 22:31

Is the 'giving' GM in competition with the crap GM?

If that's the case, then I think I'd be inclined to have a word. She's using her 'look how nice I am' tactic on one of your daughters to the expense of the other, which really isn't nice at all.

Rather horrid in fact.

BlueRaptor · 18/01/2016 22:39

I find this quite odd. I have one godson, who has an older brother. When the oldest was born I began to see his mum more (she is family, but not immediate, fairly large family so we're not all super closer) and socialise with them more. His godparents had already been decided pre-birth and as we were not very close at the time I wasn't one. However we became very close after he was born, I often babysat for him and was known as "auntie ---" as he spent lots of time with me. We often have special time together, I have had him for weekends when his parents have gone away and will always make an effort to do things he likes - the zoo, soft play etc. When the second was born I was asked to be godmother, however don't treat the two any different. To be honest I refer to the pair of them as both godsons, take them both out and spend lots of time with them. I find it really hard to think someone would be able to shower one sibling with attention and not the other! Even if we've done a day out for the older one that may not be suitable for the younger, I'll make sure to have a day just for him as well.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 18/01/2016 22:44

One of my GMs has had nothing to do with me since I was about 7 or 8, despite me writing to her several times in my teens. This year my parents got a Christmas card from her, for the first time in nearly twenty years. She'd forgotten how to spell my name Hmm It did upset me for a long while (DBros GMs are close by and he has a fab relationship with them), now she can swivel.

I would speak to DD2s GM to see if she can either include DD1 a bit, or dial back on things for DD2, as it is such a drastically different dynamic.

grumpysquash2 · 18/01/2016 22:46

The thing is, you can bring an adult into a child's life, but you can't force them to be interested. If you have more than one DC, getting a balance is tough.

I have a friend who has no DC of her own but is Godmother to about 4 children. She takes them each individually out for special days, spends quality time, goes to school plays etc. It's exactly what you'd want.

But the tough thing is that they were especially chosen for a special child. So you can't expect DD2's Godmother to include DD1 just because DD1 has been let down by hers. If DD2's Godmother had included both from the outset, but DD1 had special things from hers, it would be equally unfair.

I don't know what the solution is, aside from not having Godparents (my strategy), but then no-one gets anything special.....

ladymariner · 18/01/2016 22:47

I too think it's pretty mean of DD2's godmother to behave like this in front of DD1. I'm godmother to three children, they all have siblings and I treat them all the same.

flixybelle · 18/01/2016 22:48

I feel for you my dds have this as well. DD1 has a Godfather who always forgets her birthday and a Godmother who whilst very practical and helps with playdates and pick ups doesn't do anything particuarly special for her.(we love her very much though.)
DD2 on the other hand has a Godmother and a Godfather who buy lovely gifts and always make a huge fuss of her. They are really kind though and always buy for dd1 at xmas (the same present) I also wonder if it's because DD2 God parents don't have their own children so have more time.

grumpysquash2 · 18/01/2016 22:49

Also meant to add, I theoretically have Godparents but I have no idea who they are and my Mum 'can't remember' (not sure how to interpret that).
I guess it wasn't a big thing in my family, but I think it does sound lovely.

honeyroar · 18/01/2016 22:53

I think it's really mean of one of your friends to give one child a present and not the other, godparent or not. I'd have a word with them and tell them how it's upsetting the other child, even if it's done with the nicest intentions.

Witchend · 18/01/2016 23:02

I don't thing dd2's
Godmother is being mean. She probably assumes dd1's does the same at different times.
It's nice for children to have that special adult, and it's not either of their faults that the other is rubbish.

For my three their godparents,are varied from nothing, randomly, always to godchild, extra gifts through year,to gifts for all siblings. They understand it's different.

You can ask her to give gifts subtly, perhaps arrange a signal with you so dd1 isn't present, but I suspect asking to give to both or to cut back might result in having two rubbish godmothers.

flyingmonks · 18/01/2016 23:09

I'm really surprised at the idea that a godparent gives presents to all the siblings. Is this common/expected? I have a godchild to whom I give presents alone - if I had to give presents to all the children the godchild wouldn't get such special presents. I thought I was asked to be gm to one child not the lot!

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