Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Godmother jealousy

78 replies

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2016 21:49

DD2 has a godmother who is amazing at presents (Christmas, birthday, just because...), sending messages, making an effort to get together as a whole family etc. Makes DD2 feel really special. DD1's godmother is rubbish. Maybe she gets a text (via me, even though she has had her own phone for over a year now, doubt godmother even knows the number) on her birthday. No presents, no acknowledgement of any sort of special relationship between them, nothing. Godmother barely asks about her when we see each other, and it is only ever me and her, never with the whole family.

We were together at the weekend with DD2's godmother (again) and she handed over yet another (lovely, thoughtful) little trinket. DD1's face was so sad.

There's nothing I can do, is there.

OP posts:

cleaty · 18/01/2016 23:12

I agree flyingmonks.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2016 23:14

I agree with you flyingmonks. As it happens I'm godmother to a pair if siblings but I wouldn't buy for the brother or sister of a godchild.

QuietWhenReading · 18/01/2016 23:17

I am
A Godmother to 2 out of three of my friends children - you really think I should buy only buy presents for those I'm officially Godmother to flyingmonkey?

I treat them all the same.

cleaty · 18/01/2016 23:22

I am a godmother to one child who has 3 siblings. I buy for my goddaughter.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2016 23:22

If you treat them all the same, what's the point in being a godmother?
Saying that, if I were to two out of three I probably wouldn't leave out just one child.

LeaLeander · 18/01/2016 23:25

I would ask the generous one to tone it down for a while.

cleaty · 18/01/2016 23:29

It will look very ungrateful to ask a generous godmother, to stop being generous.
This is what happens with godparents, things are never fair. My DP had the best godparent in the family and got fabulous presents. But life isnt fair.

flyingmonks · 18/01/2016 23:34

If you're gm to siblings I can see it might be different. I am one of 3 gms to one child, each child in that family has 3 gms each. I would invite all the children over to a meal with parents as a family, but it has never occurred to me to give presents or trips to the other children. My special relationship is with the one child. The parents have never indicated that they expect me to give to the other children.

flyingmonks · 18/01/2016 23:38

Apologies OP for hijack, I was reacting with great surprise to other pp.

BackforGood · 18/01/2016 23:43

All 3 of my Godchildren have siblings. I wouldn't dream of giving them a present and not their siblings.

cleaty · 18/01/2016 23:54

What is the point in being a Godmother to one child, if you give presents to them all?

BackforGood · 18/01/2016 23:56

TO be additional adults in their life who is interested in them and around and available to them, particularly once they get into adulthood, but, for me, that doesn't include causing conflict by making their siblings jealous.

Herrerarerra · 19/01/2016 00:02

I have a gorgeous 16 year old Goddaughter, and when I give her a gift then her sisters get something of equal value. I could never give something to her and not to the others.

We didn't choose well for our oldest son. We asked my sister, my female cousin and two male family friends. My sister is pretty good and treats both of our sons the same, my cousin doesn't send as much as a birthday card. We occasionally see the one male friend and he shows an interest but haven't seen or heard of the other for years.

With our youngest son we asked my oldest friend and his wife, my friend who is the mother of my Goddaughter (all three are good family friends so perhaps I shouldn't class them as just mine although that's how it started out) and felt obliged to ask my husband's sister. The three friends are all great, very attentive Godparents who treat our older son the same too. I had reservations about asking my sister in law. My mother in law kept dropping hints about how we should ask her and about how she'd wanted to be our older son's Godmother. My husband agreed to shut her up but my gut feeling was correct. She's also aunt as well as Godmother but shows little interest, and is another who can't be arsed to even send a birthday card most years.

CharmingChampignon · 19/01/2016 00:05

I am GM to 2 only children so there's no issue there but I am also GM to 2 with siblings - and I buy for the siblings too. They are children of v good friends or close family so I would buy for them anyhow? They all had special presents for their christenings.

charlestonchaplin · 19/01/2016 00:10

Has it never occurred to any of the 'treat them all the same' brigade that it is the job of the parent to do any equalling up of things? Someone is doing you and your child a favour, at a cost to themselves (not just financial) and that's not good enough. Oh no, she's being mean or she isn't doing enough, she needs to spend more. How on earth is the 'good' godmother (supplier of gifts) meant to know what the situation is with the other godmother?

Meanwhile there are a lot of special snowflakes out there who are going to get a big shock when they turn 18, because apparently when you turn 18 you are suddenly able to cope with the inequalities of life. It isn't a concept your parents should be gradually teaching you to be able to deal with.

TMIandEmbarrassed · 19/01/2016 00:16

Difficult one that we don't seem to have got right.

DH was asked to be a godparent for a close colleague's DC1. After checking it was OK that DH and I are atheists, we went all out on being good godparents to the DC1. Then DC2 came along. Neither of us was asked to be a godparent to DC2, but we kept doing general things, getting together as a family, giving both kids birthday and Christmas presents, etc. We changed countries, made sure to visit them every time we went back, made sure to send or deliver birthday/Christmas presents in advance, sent messages to the kids for birthdays, sent chatty emails to the parents.

Parents have asked us to tone it down in response to us handing over birthday presents, never answer our emails, and have gone so far as to not give us their new address when they moved. We had nowhere to send the most recent Christmas present/ card to, so it's still sitting here.

A different colleague was godparent to DC2 - and apparently still sees them all the time, acts as a godparent, and hasn't been asked to tone it down or anything.

Guess that means we're basically off the list of godparents then. Don't know what we did wrong

FantaIsFine · 19/01/2016 00:53

Fascinated to hear opinions on this TBH. I'm an atheist GM to one of twins with a further younger sibling. I was thrilled to bits to be asked and (poss helps I don't have my own kids) able to be there for them loads. I love all of them equally.

We do have a bit of a swerve though as I call them ALL my Godkids. And actually when it's come up in conversation as THEY want me to be their own GM, which is so far pretty much glossed over. Age 7. Is that bad? I Dont mean that as a boast. Genuinely interested, not competing with other GodPs who are all lovely. In my view it's a bit of a guidance role and love so is it semantics to be signed up to one more than the others?

I also don't do presents. We do whole family shows or museums or sleepovers or treats as my gifts. Too much plastic in too many childrens' lives IMO (but that's possibly just me and no OCD at all, oh no).

Jengnr · 19/01/2016 06:01

I think it's really tight to buy Christmas presents for one child but not another. Why would you do that?

bringambuy · 19/01/2016 06:30

My BF had twin girls, they have both said that A got the best godparents as both I and the other godmother have been actively supportive of her, whereas B's godparents have been fairly uninvolved - just the luck of the draw. However, both I and my fellow godmother have been equally supportive of her sister when needed. It's not so much presents when they get older as having an older person who isn't your mum or dad as a bit of a backstop.

RideEmCowgirl · 19/01/2016 06:42

I am a Godmother to two children, different families.

The first I had an active roll in his upbringing, saw them every week, presents, took them out. BUT I treated him and his sister the same.

The other child...don't ever see. I was only chosen as she did not have any other friends to choose from and she was quite a jealous person so I distanced myself over the years from her.

I don't see the first family now as I have children of my own and they are adults now themselves...with children! I would LOVE to still see them but I found that it was always me making the effort to go and see them and never reciprocated once I moved an hour away.

MummyZELC · 19/01/2016 06:53

Unless the gifts are for birthdays (which obviously only one child gets gifts) then purposely gifting one sibling in front of the other is just being a twat. Godmother or not, nobody has the right to potentially cause a rift between your kids. Maybe if there were ten of them and one godmother was shit then you could just make up for it. But when there's only two of them it's just mean. Your friend is an arsehole

PuppyMouse · 19/01/2016 07:06

So glad DD doesn't have godparents reading this!

I adored my Godfather. Not so much my two godmothers. To the point where he was invited to my wedding and they weren't. One of them decided to send me a passive aggressive whiny letter listing every interaction she'd ever had with me, reminding me what a great time we apparently had and berating me. I wrote back saying I was sorry she felt that way and then have had no contact with her since.

You can only make the best decision at the time as parents and sometimes that doesn't always pan out. My sister's godparents are worse than mine. 2 out of 3 don't even have contact with our parents anymore let alone my sister.

BalloonSlayer · 19/01/2016 07:10

How odd. I have various godchildren who are children of friends. I buy them presents because they are children of friends, not because they are godchildren. And the godparents of all my children do the same. I had no idea people would ever buy for the godchild and not the other children! The idea of having a favourite among your best friend's kids, or nieces and nephews, because you had been asked to be godparent by their parents strikes me as rather bizarre. I sort of get it if you lost touch with the parents after the godchild was born and had never met the siblings, but even then . . . oh dear no, terrible manners.

As a godparent you are supposed to offer spiritual guidance and encourage the child towards confirmation. Not offer lavish presents. Although surprisingly many people think it means that if the parent dies you have to bring the child up, which hasn't been true for years.

(Mind you one of my godparents is a Vicar's wife and I never even had a card from her when I got confirmed.)

I would speak to the lavish friend TBH and say that I am grateful that she is being so kind but a godparent is a more spiritual role and it would be better if she treated both DC the same as the other godmother does. (Don't have to say the other godmother does bugger all!)

AGreatBigWorld · 19/01/2016 07:25

I have six godchildren, two x two siblings and two who have siblings who i am not GM to. I only give my godchildren presents, not the other siblings.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/01/2016 07:46

Isn't the idea of a god parent a Christian thing, an adult to have a hand in the upbringing of the child and to take them on should anything happen to the parents. It used to be a big responsibility. Therefore, practically, with more than one child you'd use the same godparents.

Now it seems to be different ones for every child and more about what they give in financial terms.

I am all for treating children equally but godparents shouldn't be expected to provide for non God children. They weren't good enough to be given the honour so why should they have to act like they are?

Flip

1 2 3 4