Godmother jealousy

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

DD2 has a godmother who is amazing at presents (Christmas, birthday, just because...), sending messages, making an effort to get together as a whole family etc. Makes DD2 feel really special. DD1's godmother is rubbish. Maybe she gets a text (via me, even though she has had her own phone for over a year now, doubt godmother even knows the number) on her birthday. No presents, no acknowledgement of any sort of special relationship between them, nothing. Godmother barely asks about her when we see each other, and it is only ever me and her, never with the whole family.

We were together at the weekend with DD2's godmother (again) and she handed over yet another (lovely, thoughtful) little trinket. DD1's face was so sad.

There's nothing I can do, is there.

I'm really surprised that this is a "thing". For me a godparent was someone who would bring you up in the church if your parents died; hence the vow in the christening service. It all sounds very intense and hand wringing and precious now.

I'm an athiest GM to love this!

The modern-day godparent is seen as a provider of good things. Well, to be fair I think for many they hope the godparent will provide ongoing emotional support. But this is a culture where people see acknowledgement of birthdays with presents as pretty fundamental for a good relationship. If most parents think spiritual guidance is all that is on offer, I suspect many wouldn't bother.

Flyingmonks (to quote my favourite Zombie) there is no such thing as derailing a Hearts thread. I like all the meanderings and sidebar conversations - makes the thread (and the site) richer if you ask me. But I know others feel differently and thank you for the thought

I hate how grabby and materialistic I must be coming across here. Stamping my foot because DD1 isn't getting enough "stuff".

It's not that though - it's the lack of attention and love (and I guess the lack of presents is just one manifestation of that).

Interesting that someone asked about competition between the godmothers. GM2 is competitive towards GM1 in a lot of ways. I am not sure about here though. I wonder if she assumes that GM1 is buying all sorts of amazing stuff for DD1 and is trying to keep up. (GM1 is very well off indeed). I don't know - I don't think so.

I do know I would feel extremely mean/bitchy/ungrateful/cow-like to ask GM2 to stop or tone it down. I think she would be upset and hurt...

Agree with PPs that the "generous" GM is actually being thoughtless (at best) and should tone it down, and take an interest in DD1.

I wouldn't think it was acceptable behaviour to give one child a present and another not unless it was a birthday!

That's really mean behaviour.

I would tell the God mother to stop doing that as it upsets the other child.

To be honest my kids would be uncomfortable having gifts that their siblings don't have too unless it's a birthday.

Tell her to tone it down although she sounds thick skinned to be honest.

People have different opinions on what being a GP means: some think it's just a compliment, ceremonial thing, perhaps GM1 is like that or just frazzled with her own 3 boys.

I have turned down being a GP a couple of times because I am an athiest and know I'd be a crap GP!

We picked non-family members specifically so that the kids would have people slightly more removed from us that they could turn to if and when the time came up.

Well, for the most part it has spectacularly backfired.
DS has 4 (1 couple) - only gets Christmas present (a voucher for John Lewis which I invariably buy off him), no other contact from the couple. (They do include the girls with gifts too, with a lower value.) 1 other is in Australia, rarely sends anything, no direct contact. Other 1 does Christmas and birthday presents - generally okay as he has a stepson similar age.
DD1 - has 3. Rarely hears from 1 (lives a few streets away). 1 is fab with gifts (for all 3) but don't see them often even though they're local. Last one used to be fab but is more hit and miss recently.
DD2 - has 2. 1 is great for gifts and will spend time oth her but always at DD2s instigation. Other can be hit and miss but hasn't actually seen DD2 for a while (lives locally).

Sorry, scanned the thread, so may be way off kilter. But also, being a GM is about so much more than gifts. The 'good' GM is stacking up the stuff, but is she doing the other stuff -preparing to be there as emotional support/guidance (putting aside the CofE requirement for regular prayer...)

Not everyone 'gets' gifts. I have never been especially bothered by them, an dhave had to learn as I've grown that for some people they are an important way of expressing love, and so to them they are important. I make more of an effort with these folk, as a sign of the love I feel for them, not because I think the gift itself is important, IYSWIM.

I always thought godparents should be non family members. Of course if you are an Aunt, you buy for them all, not just your goddaughter. But having non related adults as godparents, they should be buying only for the godchild.

You are right op I really don't think there is anything you can do without massively pissing off your younger daughter's godmother, which would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Maybe your first daughter's godparent isn't that into younger kids and her relationship will change as she gets older.

I think the problem is that people have grafted a secular role onto what is primarily a religious duty and the expectations aren't clear.

To be fair, I wouldn't have a clue what was 'expected' of a godparent (I wouldn't do it anyway as I'm an atheist but that's beside the point). I would have seen it as a nice honour -akin to being asked to be a best man or a bridesmaid - but if the parents weren't particularly religious and didn't want my guidance on bringing up the children in the christian faith, than I'd be a non-plussed as to what was expected of me. That I'd be expected to lavish gifts on my godchild wouldn't be top of my thoughts.

I really don't think I can ask GM2 to stop giving presents, or to buy for DD1 as well. On the weekend when she gave the thing to DD2 (late Christmas present) she did so in a very low-key way - but of course DD1 noticed.

I couldn't care less about the presents apart from the fact that DD1 is sad about it. I buy her extra little things to make up for it.

But even so it's not about the stuff. In my mind when I asked them to be godmothers I imagined cosy chats over hot chocolate, someone to go shopping with, someone they could ring up with a friendship problem, or when they were pissed off with me (anticipating the teenage years here ) - all that sort of thing. I think DD2 and GM2 are well on their way to developing this sort of relationship even though DD2 is only 9.

We are moving back to our home country this summer (where me and both GMs are from). GM2 will definitely keep in touch with DD2 but I am wondering if this might be an opportunity to ask a different friend to be an "honorary" GM for DD1? Or would that be too weird?

Maybe your first daughter's godparent isn't that into younger kids and her relationship will change as she gets older.

God I hope so, that would be amazing.

I was basically trying to set them up with an Auntie - I only have a brother and he lives 5,000 miles away!

What crappy grammar. Where both GMs and I are from. Oh dear, just ended with a preposition. Ah fuck it.

It could be worse! I have no contact with my Godparents at all - though I did see one of them on Jeremy Kyle a few years back!!

OP,you can do nothing.This is life.The older girl will realise this and it does not matter in the long run.It is about the relationship between two people.

DH is godfather to a young woman who lost her father as a little girl. Same religion as her father and took his responsibility very seriously. Took her to dinner every birthday(by herself) and stood in for her father at all her significant big days .Her husband asked his permission to get engaged and DH walked her down the aisle..He chose her gifts carefully as precious keepsakes to mark the years and it had nothing to do with us as his family.She had other siblings.Certainly there were no gifts for all!!

It saddens me when people choose godparents because they are 'moneyed',hoping for riches and forget that they are there in case the parents can not be.

I am a guideparent to each of a pair of siblings. The reasoning was that I was good enough for the first so why wouldn't I be good enough for the second. The couple are our best friends.

Regardless of the genuine close relationship we have with the entire family of our guidechildren, I could never, and would never, gift to a godchild and not their siblings. Lavish gifts are not part of the role; gifts are given to our close friends' children because they are our close friends' children and we have a role
in all of their lives. I don't know how anyone can gift discriminately, as the OP describes.

I am godmother to the "surprise" third son of my bridesmaid and the vicar who married me. The first two sons have her sisters as godmothers. Absolutely no doubt they all have a far closer relationship with their aunts than with me, 150 miles away.

At Christmas I sent DGodSon a proper present but enclosed selection boxes for his brothers. I wouldn't send three equal presents but I wouldn't miss the others out completely.

its very common
DS1 did well
DS2 did very shit

v interesting. I have DC1 has a Godmother (not related) but sees herself as Auntie to all so all get equal presents. DC2 has Godmother who is actually Great Aunty but only sends present for DC2 (but is money so I split it) DC3 has Godmother not related who buys all presents but spends more on DC3. You can't regulate it. they all do it differently.

I am one of 4. My eldest and youngest brothers got the 'shit' god parents. Me and middle brother got the good ones.

I am godmother to 3.

Each one has siblings. Birthdays or special events I buy gifts for my godchild only. At Xmas, their siblings get a token present each.

My parents got my cousins to be my god parents! What a total joke.

Thanks OP Tues 09.23

DD1s face was so sad
I wonder if you might be slightly overthinking this and feeling more sad about this than DD1 is? Surely DD1 could be distracted and you don't have to compensate by buying her presents yourself? This concentration on material presents isn't great is it? Surely as you say its the lack of interest not the lack of presents which is important?

Godmother 1 might well be more interested once DD1 is older. (I was in my gc). As godmother 1 is still a good friend, couldn't you engineer a meeting with just her and DD1 and you, to get the relationship kickstarted?
Or tell GM1 when DD1 is playing a concert or something and ask her along.

I don't give things as presents, like another pp, I give experiences -theatre trips and the like, which I hope gc will remember later, I agree with a pp that material presents are not a good thing and I don't want gc to grow up just thinking of me as a rich old gm who can be tapped for money or who is likely to leave gc money in her will

Flying a meeting with DD1 and her GM and me is a great idea. I will give it some thought.

I also think people are right about me not buying her stuff to "compensate". It sends the wrong message and besides DD1 has a lot of advantages that DD2 doesn't at the moment. The GM thing isn't fair but then life isn't fair and instead of twisting myself into a pretzel to compensate I could be teaching DD1 how to deal with the fact that some things just aren't fair.