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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really want someone to say or do something, if possible

86 replies

Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 21:04

I really need some advice. There is a woman I have never spoken to but see every day on the school run, always alone (no evident partner) and with her DC who is a few years below my DS. The reason I notice her is because she walks, everywhere, all the time, and after she has dropped off child she walks to a gym c. 2 miles away where I also go, then walks home. Every day. Possibly even at weekends as have seen her whilst driving past. And she is SO thin. Same height as me (tall) and possibly 45-50 kgs, and getting thinner. Do I a) mind my own business, it's nothing to do with me, b) mention it to gym staff (gyms are about health no? Not just losing weight), or c) maybe the school? Any advice gratefully accepted, it's just awful to see her disappearing and she has a small child.

OP posts:

GloGirl · 14/01/2016 21:05

Good grief mind your own business. Other people can see her (teacher, gym staff etc) so they can raise their own concerns if they want to.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/01/2016 21:07

Do nothing.

You don't know her, you will sound like a daft bugger , do you even know her name?

MrsLiamNeeson · 14/01/2016 21:07

Mind your own business.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 14/01/2016 21:09

What would you say to the gym? One of your customers is getting thinner that's kind of the point of going isn't it.

Do nothing there are loads of people far better placed to raise concerns if there are any.

blondiebonce · 14/01/2016 21:10

It's lovely that you have such a caring nature...
But absolutely leave it alone. Honestly.

Think how it would seem getting in contact with the gym and describing the matter :S plus there might be health reasons. Whatever the reason, it's private.

Sorry to sound harsh!

Original poster

Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 21:12

I know other people see her but probably school don't know she's in the gym every day and likewise gym don't see the child and walking and constant exercise, it's not having an overview. But I'm sure you're right.
No I don't even know her name and I probably would look bloody nosey/interfering.

OP posts:

MoMoTy · 14/01/2016 21:14

Op I totally get this as there's a woman at my gym who looks sickly thin that I just feel that someone should be stopping her from the gym. I've seen her get into the pool and she looks so ill and gaunt, also she runs in those foil type suits for an hour or so. It is painful to watch but say nothing.

MatildaTheCat · 14/01/2016 21:14

I once voiced concerns at our gym when a very anorexic woman was constantly exercising in an empty room (static bikes) all alone and in there for hours. She was at the gym literally every time I ever randomly went and was skeletal. The staff kind of shrugged and said yes, they were aware but couldn't do anything.

I don't think you are being nosy to be worried but it's a bit difficult to know what you can realistically do. I suppose you could mention it at the school as they would have contact details for health care etc but I doubt they will act.

Let's hope she has friends and family who are trying to help her.

SaucyJack · 14/01/2016 21:16

4 miles a day is not something to get your knickers in a twist about. That's about 60 mins walking at a good pace.

DurhamDurham · 14/01/2016 21:19

I had an eating disorder from my late teens into my mid twenties, I had my first daughter at 22. All thorough that time I was painfully thin. My GP was aware, as were family and friends.
I got support when I was ready to accept it.

I have to say that having some random person coming up to me and telling me I looked ill/skeletal etc would not have helped at all.
When people did look at me I thought it was because I looked fat that day.

It's a tricky one but I doubt may good could come of you saying anything to anyone.

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2016 21:23

Have you thought of chatting to the woman (not about her weight, obviously) but just in a friendly way? It sounds as though she needs a friend.

zzzzz · 14/01/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 21:29

Imperial yes I think so, have thought it in the past when on the exercise bike (and purple and sweaty) next to her... Might be odd now after so long but maybe give it a go.
Durham - want to avoid offending her in any way. She looks so sad.

Momo and Mathilda - exactly that experience

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 14/01/2016 21:34

I think you could come up with a pretext for chatting with her if you thought about it - if nothing more than "are they going to raise membership fees this year, do you know?" or whatever.

Some people look sad when they are not. I have been on dream vacations or otherwise in wonderful situations and had people take me aside to ask what is wrong. It's quite frustrating but apparently at rest I appear quite doleful. It's not natural for me to go about with a grin on my face. Even family members who have known me for 50 years at Christmas time were asking "What? What are you angry about? What's wrong?" So maybe she isn't as sad as you think.

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2016 21:35

Oh for God's sake, wind your neck in.

Woman walks 4 miles a day and goes to a gym, she must be dangerously ill

Christ on a bike!

sonjadog · 14/01/2016 21:37

I think it is nice that you are concerned but what do you realistically thibk saying something to her directly, or via the school or the gym is going to achieve? I doubt if someone mentions it to her she is going to say "oh right, better start eating more then". I think there is more potential for making a bad situation worse if you interfere.

grumpysquash2 · 14/01/2016 21:37

I was friendly with a nursery mum and when my DS1 started school near where she lived, I used to notice excessive walking. She was always somewhere. Even if I went into school at lunchtime or for an assembly or something, I would always pass by her. Once in a blue moon I drove through the village in the evening, and still she was there.

It turns out she was anorexic and over-exercising. She had given up her job, and after dropping her DD at nursery she literally walked all day, picked up DD, then after DD was in bed she would walk around the village.

However, I don't believe there was anything I could have done that would have really made a difference.

She featured on a TV documentary about eating disorders, where she revealed that she hadn't eaten a proper meal in 12 years.

She fed her DD properly though, which was at least something and her DH cooked a proper dinner for himself and DD every evening.

chillycurtains · 14/01/2016 21:38

It's definitely not your business at the moment. But if you are worried then just try and make friends with her. Walk with her, bulid a relationship and then perhaps if you become friendly you could talk to her about her weight.

NorthernRosie · 14/01/2016 21:43

4 miles of walking isn't excessive is it?

ghnocci · 14/01/2016 21:44

Mind your own business I'm afraid.

I know what you mean though. I see a woman walking most mornings holding a yoga mat and she is horribly, painfully thin. Clear she is unwell but I don't know her and I wouldn't be able to help.

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2016 21:45

It's not "nice that you're concerned",it's patronising, snide and slim-shaming.

Keep your faux-concern to yourself.

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2016 21:48

If you all read these replies and replaced "painfully thin" with "quite obese", you'd see how ridiculous you all sound with the weird advice to "make friends with her and once you've built a relationship then talk to her about her weight".

Original poster

Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 21:48

It's not the 4 miles of walking ffs. She is skeletal. I'm not dim.
Yes grumpy that's exactly it. Ok thanks for the input all, I'm going to leave it, don't know what I'd do anyway. Maybe just get to know her casually via a school activity or similar.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2016 21:49

b) mention it to gym staff (gyms are about health no? Not just losing weight)

Yes they are.

So why are you assuming she's going there to lose weight?

She could well be going there as part of a weight gaining program.

I really wouldn't get involved.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2016 21:51

Why so nasty, AyeAmarok? OP expressed her concern and lots of posters have told her there's nothing that she can/should do about this. Nothing that OP said was 'slim-shaming', that's just ridiculous.

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