To really want someone to say or do something, if possible

[Luckything50]

I really need some advice. There is a woman I have never spoken to but see every day on the school run, always alone (no evident partner) and with her DC who is a few years below my DS. The reason I notice her is because she walks, everywhere, all the time, and after she has dropped off child she walks to a gym c. 2 miles away where I also go, then walks home. Every day. Possibly even at weekends as have seen her whilst driving past. And she is SO thin. Same height as me (tall) and possibly 45-50 kgs, and getting thinner. Do I a) mind my own business, it's nothing to do with me, b) mention it to gym staff (gyms are about health no? Not just losing weight), or c) maybe the school? Any advice gratefully accepted, it's just awful to see her disappearing and she has a small child.

How on earth does anyone make the leap from nominal exercise and a weight that isn't unhealthy for many, to anorexia? Should we start suspecting all 11 stone plus people who drive a lot have compulsive eating disorders?

Aye Please do not deliberately misunderstand to support your view.

I am not deliberately misunderstanding. I am telling you the other side.

You do not walk up to a stranger in the street who is overweight and say "I see you about a lot, you're always eating crisps and drinking coke, you seem to be getting bigger and bigger and you never walk anywhere". Nor do you point it out to the school or local corner shop to suggest they stop selling the fat person unhealthy food.

Nor do you do the opposite.

To me, there is a big difference in the appearance of a 50kg or less person, who is naturally that size and build and someone who is anorexic at the same weight. It's not just the thinness. In someone anorexic, their eyes have a certain 'look' to me, their skin and the way it 'sits' on them, also looks very different. My friend's dd is a size 4. She looks perfectly well, just very small build. She looks totally different to the woman at my gym who is anorexic. The latter looks ill and so sad, despite being the same size as friend's dd.

It's heartbreaking to see someone in the grip of such a cruel illness, but I'm not sure what you could do or what would be appropriate for you to do.

As an ex-anorexic, the only thing that helped me start to deal with it, was the realisation that I WAS thin, but was so weak I could only stay in bed, which luckily, made me want to have a better life. I still have an unhealthy attitude to food even in my 50's but despite my family being desperate to help me when I was in my teens and suffering badly, the will to recover could have only come from within myself. You are lovely for caring. It is very shocking to see someone obviously anorexic and be powerless to help.

Those of you saying "but what about fat people?" sound very ill-informed as to what anorexia actually is and what impact it has on the individual.

I really wouldnt like it if a school mum approached me and commented about my weight.
Would you consider approaching someone who was obese and you kept spotting them in the local fastfood shop?

I am underweight, and i walk upto 8 miles a day (because i have no choice), and im sure people do notice - i like to pretend that they dont so i dont feel so bad. If someone commented, it would really get to me.

She will be fighting her battle one way or another. If not, hopefully relatives are trying to fight for her.

But IPity, that still doesnt make it anyone else's business, and it doesn't make it a kind thing to do.

If someone has a mental illness they don't become public property that you can gossip to the school and gym about.

It's a hard one and I can tell you have good intentions. Does she have any friends there at all? Could there be another explanation? Another illness? Funnily enough, I would not immediately see anorexia because I have no experience of it. I would more likely see cancer or crohns or poverty and put the walking down to not driving or not being able to afford a car. It's funny how we draw on our own experiences. In yours, it's anorexia but you can't know for sure.

Of course you can't ask outright but maybe try to strike up a conversation if concerned and find out a bit about her.

By underweight, i meant anorexic. Underweight sounds better to me

Not to mention a lot of people think they can tell someone is anorexic because they're SO thin, when actually they're just under 9stone which some people refuse to believe can be healthy.

It's subjective. There have been umpteen threads here saying X celebrity is "so thin/clearly anorexic/obviously unwell/I'm so worried about her", and plenty of people will say she looks fine, a healthy weight, people have lost perspective.

So you can't say "I know". You don't know, and you don't know her.

I do know what anorexia is. And those of you willing to diagnose it on the basis that someone isn't the average overweight size, and takes a normal amount of exercise sound very uninformed.

Yup, there are a lot of medical conditions which can cause someone to be thin and also it can just be their natural frame.
My mum for example, is just naturally thin and petite...people comment on her weight and it drives her mad because she is not anorexic. Comments drive me mad too, because it is none of their business.

My best friend was obese, but she had a medical condition and her medication made her weight go up.

I have found people are quite happy to comment on someone for being very thin, but wouldnt even dream of commenting on someone who was overweight.

"Yeah, this weekend why dont you get some food in you"
"Do you want some of my fat?"
"Wow you are so thin i could snap you"

Its like wtf is that meant to be?? They see nothing wrong with these comments

Sorry went a bit overboard there

How tall is tall op?

I might actually mention it to the school - after all, if the child is left without a mother (this is a very real possibility btw) it will become partly their problem dealing with the fallout.

I was anorexic two years ago. I'm a healthy weight now but I can spot another anorexic a mile off. It's left me with a weird legacy even now. The impact on my children was huge and DD1 ended up having counselling for a while afterwards.

It's a cry for help and I had to be near to the point of being sectioned before anyone took any notice. In the end my poor teen DD phoned the doctor in tears and said she was frightened I was going to die. Even though I did everything in my power to hide how little I was eating, lied, deceived my friends and family, underneath I desperately needed someone to do something. Afterwards, it transpired that scores of people were worried about me but only DD1 acted and that responsibility should not be on a child.

Speak to the school. The child will be suffering.

To previous posters, the OP may know, if she's had a anorexic friend. There's a look you get with anorexia that is different to just thin. Sometimes celebrities are just thin, but other times I see them saying "it's just my natural frame" and I'm thinking, no it's not.

When you've spent weeks around other recovering anorexics, you do get to spot it. I'd wager a bet that the OP is correct.

Yanbu for being concerned and having that helpless feeling that you are witnessing someone self harming to the point that they may well die, op. Yanbu at all. I know it well and it is distressing even if the person concerned is a stranger. It seems counter intuitive that the staff at the gym are not allowed to raise any concerns with her. Some very ignorant (not to mention astonishingly rude) replies on this thread but I completely believe that your heart is in the right place .

I think your options are pretty limited. The most useful is probably to "ignore" your concerns to start with and just try to genuinely befriend her, if that feels appropriate and realistic. But be prepared for a hard road if you do end up her friend as even then it can be very difficult to help if she is as you suspect anorexic.

I wonder if a school nurse or a health visitor could be a route to "express concern" and say, I know I can't be told anything and this lady might be receiving help or support already, but just wanted to raise it with someone to make sure she and her family aren't slipping through the gaps.

To those who suggest 45-50 kg can be a "healthy weight" for "plenty of women", have a look at this chart:
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/loseweight/Pages/height-weight-chart.aspx

Basically, all but the shortest women will be underweight or seriously underweight if they weigh 50 kg or less. I agree some people have a light build and will be healthy just under the "healthy weight range", but only JUST under it. To give context, my 13 yr old, somewhat (but not extremely) taller than average daughter looks slender and weighs 56 kg. [I only know her weight due to a recent hospital appointment for other reasons]

Oh, also I meant to say, yes being severely overweight will shorten your life substantially.

Anorexia kills more quickly and even younger, sadly.

Very well done to a few posters up the thread who have come through anorexia and found their own ways to keep it under control.

Thing is, Anorexia is the equivalent of the morbidly obese person who is rescued from their house by firemen because they can't get out of their room anymore. It's a mental illness not a mental health issue (if I can differentiate like that).

Anorexia has the highest premature death rate of any psych problem, and it's about 20%. That is not the equivalent of "fatties" or any of the other charming language here, just thinly veiled disgust which does nothing to support the case of those who think everyone else is too fat. Even if you've spent years dealing with comments about your thin state it doesn't make it ok for you to do the same to overweight people.

Once you've experienced eating disorders, whether yourself or family and friends, you do know the difference. It's not fat versus thin, it's pathological thought patterns, it's control, it's overwhelmingly to the exclusion of most other things in your life.

I do agree that approaching her may well be naive and unproductive. Possibly even damaging if you go anywhere near health and exercise issues.. But if you truly have the time and the inclination and think you can handle it I suppose you could consider striking up a conversation next time your at the gym and see if you can become friends. If you like her and she likes you.

Having an extra friend in your life is generally a good thing. But it should be based on having things in common and getting on. Not trying to save her. You wouldn't be able to do that, and nor should you try.

I speak as someone who was extremely thin and tall as a teenager, but still perfectly healthy, and as one who has had disordered eating at a different point, and some professional knowledge too.

Bit of a x-post there python, sorry.

Someone randomly approached me at my gym and made a comment about my weight/dizziness after a class. I took it badly at the time, but in retrospect I am very grateful. The gym has a responsibility to stop her using the facilities if she is over exercising.

Good post , iborgia.

I understand your concern OP, but you can't do anything.

Gyms aren't there just for weight loss, but what do you expect them to do. Ban her? Take her to side and talk to her?

She will go to another gym and possibly end up feeling even worse. Assuming there is a problem.

There could be loads of reasons she is so slim.

Approaching the school is out of order too. Completely.

But the question asked by op was interesting. If you saw an obese person making themselves more obese, everyday. Would you feel the need to step in?

People do seem to want to step i. When someone is 'too skinny' but not when they obese.

Personally I wouldn't step in either way.

But if you truly have the time and the inclination and think you can handle it I suppose you could consider striking up a conversation next time your at the gym and see if you can become friends. If you like her and she likes you.

this is a great idea

There's a mother at my ds son school and I always thought she was a single mum. Always walking, never mention or sight of partner or husband. One day she pulled up outside the school gates in a gorgeous Mercedes car. We were all turns out she is married but her husband works school hours so we just never saw him.

I really don't think you should mention her weight to the gym. If she's as thin as you say, they've surely noticed already and just because stranger flags it with them doesn't mean they will intervene. I'm sure it's completely pointless saying it to the school unless you want to look like a nosey busy body (in my opinion).

If it were me and I was genuinely worried I'd strike up a conversation with her. Offer her a lift to the gym, or from the gym and go from there.