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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really want someone to say or do something, if possible

86 replies

Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 21:04

I really need some advice. There is a woman I have never spoken to but see every day on the school run, always alone (no evident partner) and with her DC who is a few years below my DS. The reason I notice her is because she walks, everywhere, all the time, and after she has dropped off child she walks to a gym c. 2 miles away where I also go, then walks home. Every day. Possibly even at weekends as have seen her whilst driving past. And she is SO thin. Same height as me (tall) and possibly 45-50 kgs, and getting thinner. Do I a) mind my own business, it's nothing to do with me, b) mention it to gym staff (gyms are about health no? Not just losing weight), or c) maybe the school? Any advice gratefully accepted, it's just awful to see her disappearing and she has a small child.

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 14/01/2016 21:52

If you'd be equally happy to voice your concerns every time you see the same slightly plump, nevermind obese parent driving to school, before seeing them at a bakery or shop everyday, and describing them as fat and getting fatter, then Yanbu.

If I didn't work while dds at school, and usually enjoy sport that doesn't involve the overweight judging me as too thin, as appears to be a theme with gyms, then everything you say sounds like something I'd do and entirely normal and healthy. It's hardly excessive exercise, and unless you know her extremely well, and have seen photos of her and her family going back years, you can't possibly judge whether 45/50kg is unhealthy for her.

Mouseinahole · 14/01/2016 21:54

Offer her a lift?

peppielillyan · 14/01/2016 21:56

i thought you were talking about me, lol!
but i do no longer go to the gym :-)

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2016 21:57

Because Lying this thread is so insulting!

Someone is thin, "maybe 50kg" and the OP seems to wants to spread the word around people that she thinks this woman is too thin to be well? A stranger, that she doesn't know?

How on earth can someone think that's okay!

Plenty of women are 50kg, perfectly healthy, and absolutely not appreciate some stranger deciding that there was something wrong with them because they were thin. Let alone trying to spread the vitriol around her gym or school! Confused

Honestly, ridiculous.

hollowlegs · 14/01/2016 21:57

Would you "do something" or "say something" if she was obese

good point.

Lurkedforever1 · 14/01/2016 21:59

Worrying that school might not know she does a healthy amount of exercise? Jesus if I'd nipped into the school office every time I was aware a podgy parent wasn't exercising I'd never be out of there.

ghnocci · 14/01/2016 22:01

Slim shaming, don't be ridiculous.

I'm a slim and healthy size 8 but yes I do feel genuine concern when looking at somebody who is obviously unwell. Even if I know I can't do anything.

Jinglebells99 · 14/01/2016 22:05

Gosh, you are getting a hard time here op. I know what you mean because there used to be a woman with anorexia at my leisure club. It is very distressing to see someone so painfully thin. The woman at my club was skeletonal. I haven't seen her for quite a long time. The leisure staff were aware she was obsessively exercising. In your circumstances, I would have a word at school.

kardashianklone · 14/01/2016 22:05

This is none of your business. You can't get involved. If she's a gym bunny she really won't appreciate your comments. How would you like it if some random came up to you and told you what they thought of you, unprovoked. Plus, you'd look like a stalker. And the gym staff can't do anything either.

SaucyJack · 14/01/2016 22:05

Thing is ghnocci..... we only only have the OP's word for it that she's obviously unwell, and that's the same word that described a 4 mile round trip and a gym sesh as constant obsessive exercise about 10 mins ago, so- y'know.

Narratorial unreliability innit.

IPityThePontipines · 14/01/2016 22:06

There is a difference between slim or thin and being in the grip of anorexia.

No, there isn't anything the OP can do, or say, but sometimes people just come on here to talk about their concerns, don't they.

Anorexia is a terrible illness, which is far more prevalent then people realise. Discussing it is not "slim-shaming".

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2016 22:10

Well as a (not-overly) slim person who weighs less than 50kg, I am so fed up of overweight women telling me that I am dangerously thin, and pretending it's because they're "concerned". They're not concerned, they are just trying to normalise being overweight by making people who aren't feel shit, and I'm totally scunnered with it.

Don't say anything OP. Seriously.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 22:12

ghnocci that's how I feel.

Aye Please do not deliberately misunderstand to support your view. A friend I lived with whilst at Uni was treated for anorexia, she still 'has' it, many years on, and lives with it. Whilst we were students though she was particularly ill, to the point where she had no fat, not even on her buttocks, her face was skeletal and she was developing the downy hair on her jawline. Thus woman is a similar condition.

She may well have an illness, but she is NOT slim and healthy.

OP posts:
thelouise · 14/01/2016 22:15

There is a lovely lady who lives near me and she is skeletal. She walks and walks and walks. I work in the local area, so drive a lot and see her. I know her by sight; we say hi and she always asks after my dog. It is natural to worry. I strongly suspect she has anorexia nervosa but having suffered for years myself, I am finely tuned to these things. If you told me I was slim shaming, I'd tell you to fuck off. Being severely underweight has serious health consequences and anorexia is a mental illness.

When I had anorexia and was over-exercising, I was glad that other gym members expressed concern. It meant that they gave a shit about me and I had no one else on my life who did at the time.

thedevilinmyshoes · 14/01/2016 22:16

it's supposedly much worse for one's health to be underweight than it is to be over

but there must be lots of things you can go into the school to chat about while you are in there, like if you see a parent smoking (that's quite bad for you) or riding a horse (more dangerous than MDMA according to that bloke who lost his job)

even if this woman has an eating disorder it doesn't mean exercise isn't allowed, and it would have to be weight bearing in order to improve bone density, it's not really something you can know just by stalking her slightly

hollowlegs · 14/01/2016 22:16

Those people who want to interefer because someone is ''painfully thin''.

Ask yourself, Do you also want to say something when you see someone who is ''painfully fat''?

If not, why not? being painfully fat can also cause lots of health problems.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 14/01/2016 22:16

I'm going to leave it. Thanks - to most

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 14/01/2016 22:18

I know someone who has both an eating disorder and over-exercising disorder and I recognize both the behaviour and the 'look' that you are talking about, however, it really isn't your business! In the case of the person I know, whilst their disorders were far from ideal, they were functioning at a high level work-wise just fine and they didn't appear to have any major health problems. It just isn't up to you to go round reporting people who look ill, perhaps she's under treatment, perhaps she isn't, but it's her life and up to her to seek help if indeed she thinks she needs it.

carabos · 14/01/2016 22:18

I often walk the 3 miles to my exercise class - I use the walk as my warm up. My friends, the people who care about and respect me, beep the horn and wave at me as they drive past, then chat when we get there. The "concerned" people always pull over and offer me a lift, and we have the same conversation every time... "No, thank you, I'm happy to walk, it's my warm up, I have an umbrella, no I'm not exhausted, no I'm not over doing it..."

MYOB.

thelouise · 14/01/2016 22:18

Purposefully keeping yourself underweight and taking action to ensure that a mental illness. Purposefully eating to the point of obesity is not. It can be, of course, but not in the same way.

Soooosie · 14/01/2016 22:26

It's healthy walking 5 miles and going to the gym. She's hardly doing Olympic training. However I agree the weight is a worry. But what can you do about it?

SoupDragon · 14/01/2016 22:28

Anorexia is completely different to being obese so comparing the two is stupid. Anorexia is a mental health problem. Being fat, more often than not, isn't.

knobblyknee · 14/01/2016 22:32

I dont think you are being nosey or out of place, or playing one upmanship. I think you noticed someone is in trouble and are concerned, and think thats lovely. Flowers

I really doubt you'd ignore a child that was becoming painfully thin at school...

captaincake · 14/01/2016 22:33

Would you report her for driving everywhere and getting fatter? Do nothing.

lljkk · 14/01/2016 22:34

I used to have an eating disorder. It would freak me out to see her doing all that to self & I might even consider changing gym just to see less of her. Same as if I saw someone heavily alcoholic or with screaming signs of other self-destructive disorders. Can't fix 'em but omg is it painful to watch. I'm not tough enough to watch.

Annies are really obvious when you get sensitive to them. And not unusual to see around on regular basis. I'm much meaner than OP, I'd like to shake sense into the woman. Which obviously won't work. Probably definitely easier just to avoid.

tbh, I wonder if you all are just enabling her to think it's a mere MYOB matter. It's a severe mental illness FFS. Not a simple life style choice, in spite of what pro-Any websites try to say.