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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want 21-yr-old to get out of bed before midday?

97 replies

Garon · 04/01/2016 10:53

3rd week of xmas holidays, midday would be early. He's in 3rd year at uni, going back in a week. It drives me nuts but I suppose it's up to him...? Except for the fact that we are paying for his lifestyle by topping up his student loan up to what he'd get if he qualified for the max maintenance loan. He hasn't had any holiday or term time job since going to uni...

btw Is there a topic area for post-teenagers? couldn't find one

OP posts:

YourLittlePlantPot · 04/01/2016 10:58

It's not healthy but what would you like him to do instead? He's probably bored

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 04/01/2016 10:59

At 21 surly he should have job even if he's at uni.

I'd of been embarrassed to loaf around and sponge off my parents at that age

Sonders · 04/01/2016 11:01

It doesn't sound like YABU but have you tried talking to him? Or do what my mum used to do and start vacuuming at 9:30 each morning!

It sounds like you resent him not having a job but if you're paying for him, there's not an incentive.

nashley · 04/01/2016 11:02

I am 30 and people always pick on me for my lay ins. Midday is early for me too! My body clock is all off, when everyone else is tucked up in bed at 11pm, I'm wide awake - usually until about 3am.
I am trying to turn this around now as i'm fed up of the 'lazy' tag even though I'm not, I just have sleeping issues.
What time does your son go to bed? Does he study hard at uni? Does he socialise lots with friends? Could just be exhaustion! Uni can be very hard work - especially in 3rd year.
He could just be a lazy late teen though but if he is achieving something then be patient, it will pass when he gets a job!

YourLittlePlantPot · 04/01/2016 11:02

He has no reason to get a job though if you're funding him. If his money wasn't topped up and he had to get by on the basics he might be more motivated?

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 11:05

My dd is in her second year at university. She came home exhausted on December 22nd and is going back this Thursday. I have loved cosseting her a bit- including lots of lie ins and breakfasts in bed. What's wrong with that?

IWasHereBeforeTheHack · 04/01/2016 11:07

Let me go and ask my 24yo ... oh. She's not up yet . Admittedly she is on her last day of holiday, as I am, before returning to work tomorrow.

< no help, me>

EssentialHummus · 04/01/2016 11:07

Why should he get up? He's on holiday, and from the sounds of it doesn't need to be anywhere or do anything, so he isn't inconveniencing you. But you sound pretty irritated by his sleeping late.

If the issue here is you "paying for his lifestyle", address that with him, or let him know that you intend to stop funding him.

mumeeee · 04/01/2016 11:07

YABU. Midday is normal for uni students
As long as he is getting any work done that he needs to do. I would just let him get on with it. DD3 is in 3rd year uni and when she's home I let her lie in if she wants to.
In fact I'm off work today and have only just got up myself.

formerbabe · 04/01/2016 11:09

If he's in his third year of uni, then I have to ask...why on earth have you put up with this for the previous 2 years?!

mumeeee · 04/01/2016 11:10

For those saying he should have a job. It's not actually easy to get a job and.anyway maybe he has one in his uni town we don't know the circumstances.

lilydaisyrose · 04/01/2016 11:10

Gosh I'd leave him alone. I long for the days of lazy lie ins and nothing to get up for!!

formerbabe · 04/01/2016 11:11

He hasn't had any holiday or term time job since going to uni...

Oh and I find this fact pretty shocking. I used to work during every summer holiday whilst at uni.

Fgs...These are grown adults.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2016 11:16

I've only just got up and I'm 51. It's my last lie in until half term though as I have to do the school run for teen DSes still. I'd leave him, only a week to go.

TheSecondViola · 04/01/2016 11:18

Well, you can't have it both ways. Why are you bankrolling this adult if its not so he doesn't have to work or grow up? And they why are you surprised when he still acts like a teenager, when that is how you treat him?

Dipankrispaneven · 04/01/2016 11:19

It's pretty ridiculous to say he should be working if he's a student. How would that work if his university is a hundred miles away?

However, he clearly should at the very least have been looking for a job in the summer, and it's reasonable to say he could look for something like restaurant work in the area where his university is. And he should definitely be looking now for long term work to take effect as soon as he leaves university.

formerbabe · 04/01/2016 11:21

Shocked by some of these responses! Some of these grown adults sound so pampered by their parents...

HorseyHat · 04/01/2016 11:22

If he had got up at 0915 or 0730 or whenever you think he should be getting up then what would he be doing?

He is probably enjoying the lie in, playing with his phone and maybe other things.....

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 04/01/2016 11:23

I say leave him to it. I have a DS the same age, also at uni, and it really doesn't bother me what time he gets up. You're only young once and he'll be dragging himself up every day for work soon enough (and probably have to keep going till he's pushing 70) and maybe children of his own waking him at crack of dawn in a few short years. I may be biased as I am an owl and I love nothing more than a lie in myself. It was the thing I missed most once I had small children and lovely to get back once they were all teens.

If he'd finished uni and was lying around when he should be job hunting, that would be different.

Sympathies to nashley my mum still rolls her eyes and mutters about what time I get up and go to bed (I am 45!) Her and Dad are up at crack of dawn, even thought they are both retired, but drooling on the sofa by 7pm! But that's OK!

IloveJudgeJudy · 04/01/2016 11:24

I also have a 21 yo student (in his 2nd year). He also is not an early riser, but has always had a job. We don't fund him at all, apart from the odd shopping trip. It's not always easy to find a job, but DS has never been without one. He does not mind what he does - retail, warehouse, hospitality... In fact, part of his course has been to work voluntarily for 80 hours to be able to put that on his CV ( ironically, though, he wouldn't have got his voluntary job if he hadn't already had a paying job).

I don't have a problem with people staying in bed if they don't have to get up, but I would definitely have a problem with them not having a job of some kind. I don't think it's good for them. They need to have a taste of the real world. Also, they can make some very useful contacts whilst working. It's a bit late now, though, in his third year, for him to be able to cope with uni and work.

If you are funding his lifestyle then I do think you can say something to him.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/01/2016 11:29

Ds1-20 came back and didn't go back to Sports Direct during this holiday as he has done usually, they've changed their policy on seasonal employment and ds1 would have to re-apply apparently, so he didn't. He'll do something during Easter and summer, he'll have to as he's not spending it lounging round here, that's for sure.

We haven't given him money other than what he had for Christmas.

He's still in bed.

DS2 -18 is the polar opposite; he has worked at the supermarket for the whole of his holiday and then done university work in his room, he's going back tomorrow.

Theoretician · 04/01/2016 11:30

It's generally a bad idea to let your sleep pattern alter so that you sleep during the day and are (presumably) awake late at night. So that's a reasonable reason to be worried about this. (If there is an acceptable reason for wanting/needing to be awake late at night, that would be a different matter.)

I don't think it's reasonable to think that "sleeping during the day" = "need's a job" though. Two completely separate issues.

HPsauciness · 04/01/2016 11:32

Our university has started 8.30am lectures (previously 9am) recently, so sleeping til midday isn't great practice for those.

greenfolder · 04/01/2016 11:35

Dd who is 20 has had jobs. We gave her what we felt the minimum she needed. So that worked out at£75 per week. Some of this came from her loan the first 2 years. I took the view as accommodation was paid for and she could walk to uni that was enough. This year, loan hasn't covered rent so we have topped up to cover and pay her 75 a week. She got a job in boots in a major station working mon to Friday 18.00 to 22.00. At 8.50 an hour this gives her more disposable income than me. If your ds can live and do everything else he wants with what you give him, he has no need of a job. If you are giving him extra that's your answer!

Polgara25 · 04/01/2016 11:37

What do you want him to do in the mornings instead?

The financial stuff is a separate issue.

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