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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want 21-yr-old to get out of bed before midday?

97 replies

Garon · 04/01/2016 10:53

3rd week of xmas holidays, midday would be early. He's in 3rd year at uni, going back in a week. It drives me nuts but I suppose it's up to him...? Except for the fact that we are paying for his lifestyle by topping up his student loan up to what he'd get if he qualified for the max maintenance loan. He hasn't had any holiday or term time job since going to uni...

btw Is there a topic area for post-teenagers? couldn't find one

OP posts:
Industrialhelicopter · 04/01/2016 13:36

Mine don't work during the Uni year- their uni timetable changes termly with lectures anytime between 8 am and 8 pm plus 1 has 3-4 weeks away on field trips etc so no midweek working is really possible. One volunteers 1 day a week in the field they want to work in (volunteering allows them flexibility in changing the day and time to suit changing uni schedule)

I would rather that they studied hard and played hard. Being at Uni is a unique time and they should enjoy it. I worked at Uni but I only had less than 8 hours a week of lectures - mine do much more than that.

They help a bit in the summer- we have a family business and they have always mucked in with that.

I pay fully for mine- fees and living costs. I don't resent it. There isn't a one size fits all- you know your children. 1 of mine is dyslexic and really struggles with the reading required to study and essay writing- getting a job as well would be too much.

Nothing wrong with supporting your children if you can afford it. Nothing wrong either with expecting them to work. No-one is either a super parent or a failure for taking either approach.

FedupNagging · 04/01/2016 13:38

We have a couple of agencies locally that specialise in manual labour jobs (fruit picking, warehouse work etc) and are pretty good at placing students during their long summer holiday - maybe you could gently point your ds in that direction Op ready for Easter/Summer.

Dinobab · 04/01/2016 13:39

I'm 24 and if I didn't have to get up (at 4 fucking 30 am) I'd quite happily still be in bed
In fact, when my mum has DS that is exactly what I do.

whois · 04/01/2016 13:56

Meh. I had a lie in until midday most days over the Christmas holiday. I was on holiday from work. Why not? If there aren't any children to look after why should you have to get up early? It doesn't make you a morally better person of you get up at 6am.

ExConstance · 04/01/2016 14:03

DS2 is 21 and gets up at about 1pm most days over the Christmas break. He works very hard at uni, will be starting a work placement next week and does work in his long vacations. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to sleep in for a couple of weeks or so, I'd be doing the same if I didn't have t go to work.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/01/2016 14:18

DS2(19) went back to uni yesterday. He has a study day today, so a working 2-6 in his part time job. Tomorrow he starts back at placement, he's a student nurse, for 7 weeks doing lates, earlies and weekends. He was out of bed before mid-day every day in the holidays.

Our 21 yo old chose the army over uni. He worked a 22hour day last week helping out with the floods. He was away for 4 days in total and was knackered when he came back. He stayed in bed late on Saturday and was out running by 10:30 yesterday.

I don't mind people laying in, but it does annoy me if it goes on until after lunch.

DoreenLethal · 04/01/2016 14:27

I have to do the school run for teen DSes still

School run for teenagers? Wow.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 14:36

The FairyCaravan

"He has a study day today, so a working 2-6 in his part time job."

Shouldn't he be studying all day on his study day?

whois

It doesn't make you a morally better person of you get up at 6am.

Amen to that.

ChoclolateOrange · 04/01/2016 14:44

I've got one here at the moment. Hmm. He is DC3, and a fair bit younger than his siblings but I remember very well that DC2 was just the same. He grew out of it and has a fantastic career and is a very hard working person. On that basis I let DC3 lie in and enjoy it whilst he can!

DisappointedOne · 04/01/2016 14:51

greenfolder it's your Dd's choice but working 6pm to 10pm every week night on top of attending university in the daytime is too much if she is (a) to study properly for her degree and (b) make the most if university social life. My University did not permit term time jobs for this very reason.

Would you work every evening after a full day at work?

Goodness me. At 19 (late 90s) I owned my own house and had a full time day job which only just paid my mortgage and bills. I was studying part time and also had an evening and weekend job to pay for food and social life (out 3 nights a week on average).

I'm now doing my degree alongside running a consultancy (with DH) and bringing up a young child.

Ever likely today's youth are so fucking flaky if working a few hours on top of a few hours of studying is considered too much. (And don't get me started on them leaving uni thinking that "would of" is anywhere near acceptable..........Hmm)

Original poster
Garon · 04/01/2016 14:51

Thanks FedupNagging, I have done a lot of gentle pushing towards work opportunities, and will continue to do so! Subsidies are definitely ending as soon as the course does so hopefully he will get his act together then...

OP posts:
eatingworms · 04/01/2016 15:03

greenfolder it's your Dd's choice but working 6pm to 10pm every week night on top of attending university in the daytime is too much if she is (a) to study properly for her degree and (b) make the most if university social life. My University did not permit term time jobs for this very reason

Has it occurred to you that some work because they need the money and wouldn't be able to attend university in the first place if they didn't? A university 'not allowing' students to work means they are only allowing wealthy students in. That's utter bollocks.

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 15:07

Cant see the problem to be honest. Let him lay in. Grin

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 15:10

"School run for teenagers? Wow."

Why is that wow-worthy?

BackforGood · 04/01/2016 15:13

I agree with other - 2 separate issues, the finance and the lying in until lunchtime.
Quite frankly, I don't see what's so wonderful about getting up in the morning if you don't need to, and I don't have a problem with any of mine sleeping in if they don't need to be anywhere. If they didn't need the sleep then they'd wake up. I don't get why it's somehow "better" to be a morning person than an evening one.

However, the getting a job is different - lots of threads over time in Higher Education over this and there are always differences of opinion. Personally I think it's really important. To be fair to my dc who love to lie in they've worked a lot over the holidays - ds in particular, and he's always worked since he was 14.

3point14159265359 · 04/01/2016 15:14

I lie in until midday every chance I get (which isn't as often as I'd like) and I'm a 40yo professional full time employed mother of two. It doesn't stop me getting to work when I need to or getting up with the DC when I need to.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 15:23

eatingworms ever heard of student loans and vacation jobs? You seem to allege that I am lying about my University not allowing term- time work. I assure you it is true. Term was less than half the year and there were hardship grants available to all in severe financial difficulty.

eatingworms · 04/01/2016 15:31

Of course I'm not saying you are lying, but a rule like that is very elitist.
I had student loan, holiday job and still needed a term time job to keep me afloat.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 15:40

The University of Cambridge was and is extremely committed to ensuring that no able applicant was denied access due to financial hardship. It was/is elite but most definitely not elitist. The no- working policy was entirely joined up with its pastoral care policies.

Anyway greenfolder's daughter is working for disposable income, she said so explicitly.

FedupNagging · 04/01/2016 15:44

DoreenLethal School run for teenagers? Wow.

it's not 'wow' at all - there could be many reasons for this - disability, no school transport, poor public transport....

In our case ds3 worked really hard to get into an out of catchment 6th form with a great reputation. The school bus is not very reliable and there is no public transport so when he stays for sporting events or extra study sessions, I need to collect him. I dare say the poster who is still doing the teens school run has an equally valid reason.

budgiegirl · 04/01/2016 16:00

YABU

If you want him to get a job, then tell him, and stop topping up his income. If he's happy with the income he has, and doesn't feel the need to top it up, then he has no incentive to work.

If you are not worried about him getting a job, then leave him to sleep in if he wants. He's 21, and adult, and can manage his own time.

You can't have it both ways. Why does it irritate you if he sleeps in?

BackforGood · 04/01/2016 16:01

and there were hardship grants available to all in severe financial difficulty

Thing is, this doesn't cover most of the people I know. We earn 'too much' to qualify for any grants or bursaries, but - oddly enough - have other commitments, such as more than one dc, mortgage, bills, etc, Ds's loan just ccovers his accommodation (and he's in one of the cheapest parts of the country - I know a lot of people whose dcs' loans don't even cover the rent) so, whilst at university, our dc work, because they like to do things like - eat!

budgiegirl · 04/01/2016 16:12

School run for teenagers? Wow

Why is this a wow? Lots of parents still give teenagers a lift to school. I know we do. My 3 kids go to a school that is a 25 minute drive away, and would take 1.5 hours on the bus, each way. We car share with another family, so it's both much quicker than the bus, and also a damn sight cheaper. Not every child lives just round the corner from school.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/01/2016 16:17

Jessie his study days are online assignments and reading. He's in front of where he should be, partly because he got his arse out of bed and on his laptop before midday over the Christmas holiday! Smile

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 16:18

BackforGood I can't speak for all Universities, only my own, which had a full financial support structure in place, nothing to do with central government, and full accommodation available for all who needed it, at prices which would ensure that costs were covered by the financial help available.

As I said previously, my issue was with Greenfolder's DD working every night during term to make extra money, not money to cover her costs.

I then responded to accusations that my own University was elitist for banning term- time work. I have no knowledge or opinion of the situations of those who attend other Universities and need to work, but it strikes me they are the elitist ones.

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