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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want 21-yr-old to get out of bed before midday?

97 replies

Garon · 04/01/2016 10:53

3rd week of xmas holidays, midday would be early. He's in 3rd year at uni, going back in a week. It drives me nuts but I suppose it's up to him...? Except for the fact that we are paying for his lifestyle by topping up his student loan up to what he'd get if he qualified for the max maintenance loan. He hasn't had any holiday or term time job since going to uni...

btw Is there a topic area for post-teenagers? couldn't find one

OP posts:

gingerboy1912 · 04/01/2016 11:42

Yabu about the lie ins, but he should of at least got a summer job in a bar or something, but the Xmas hols isn't a great time to find a job, they are all taken at the beginning of Dec ready for Xmas rush,

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 11:42

You're just narked because he's choosing to spend the time at home in his room instead of with you. It's his lifestyle choice and you have clearly never insisted he do anything in particular in return for the funding, so it's unfair to criticise him now when he has no idea you have other expectations.

He's unlikely to be fast asleep- he'll be messing about on his phone or reading or something, just not in the mood to be up and dressed. If he is asleep then he needs it. You don't say how late he went to bed, as others have said, maybe he's just an owl and is indulging that in the holidays in anticipation of 9am lectures when he goes back. Presumably he's done OK in his first and second years? It's his finals year now, give him a break.

I really hate sanctimony people who equate late rising with laziness.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 11:42

Sanctimonious.

Samantha28 · 04/01/2016 11:43

I would be annoyed too, I agree he should get a job or be studying . DH and I both worked on Saturdays and holidays when we were at uni , otherwise we wouldnt have eaten!

I love the suggestion that he is so tired out from all his socialising that he needs to sleep for two weeks !

Our 16 year old has spent her spare time during the holidays studying for her exams , so I don't see why a 21 year old is so lazy . Her teachers said it's not a holiday, it's study leave as they have exams in January .

WeAllHaveWings · 04/01/2016 11:43

My mum and dad used to put on a LP and sing together loudly in the mornings to "encourage" us to get up and out. Full blast renditions of Crystal Chandeliers which could raise the dead or extremely hungover !

bigbluebus · 04/01/2016 11:45

DS is in his 1st year at Uni and has rarely surfaced before mid-day except on the days we've needed to go somewhere.
He has, however, been allegedly studying in bed with the laptop on his knee as he has exams when he goes back.
He has done some casual bar work whilst he's been home - evening work suits the hours he keeps much better . Getting work when you are only home for a few weeks at a time is difficult. CDS didn't break up until 18th Dec - far too late to get seasonal jobs.
We fund him whilst he is away but give him nothing whilst he's at home - obviously we feed him, but no cash.

NickiFury · 04/01/2016 11:45

I think it's quite controlling to get worked up about how long other people stay in bed if you're actually unaffected by it. My Mum used to push the Hoover in my room at weekends by 9.30 am. I had an 90 minute commute to school and a paper round during the week, that had me up at half five. What the hell did it matter if I grabbed some extra hours at the weekend? He will be gone and out of your hair in a week. Leave him alone.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 11:46

greenfolder it's your Dd's choice but working 6pm to 10pm every week night on top of attending university in the daytime is too much if she is (a) to study properly for her degree and (b) make the most if university social life. My University did not permit term time jobs for this very reason.

Would you work every evening after a full day at work?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/01/2016 11:48

Wave him off with a sigh of relief. And make it very clear that the funding stops on the last day of term so he'd better have a job lined up for the summer holidays !

alltouchedout · 04/01/2016 11:51

It's generally a bad idea to let your sleep pattern alter so that you sleep during the day and are (presumably) awake late at night. So that's a reasonable reason to be worried about this.

Why? Do you mean because then when you go back to uni/ work etc it's a struggle to get back into an early waking routine? Because I can't see any reason why it's inherently a bad thing to wake and sleep late. My natural body clock means I'm at my best if I can go to bed between 2 and 3 am and wake between 10 and 11 am, it's just how I am. Even after plenty of sleep and being in a routine of early waking I am still about three times more productive and mentally switched on in the afternoon and at night than in the mornings!

Musicaltheatremum · 04/01/2016 11:53

My 20 year old is still in bed. He has worked his socks off all term, got all his applications for summer placements done before Christmas. I don't knowwhere he would find the time to so work at uni as he studies all the time. My daughter is in London and she works saturday and Sunday so she can afford to live. Her course is musical theatre so doesn't need to study as such but she has just been home for2 weeks and done nothing which she needed as she hadn't had a break for 17 weeks. I have chilled too this weekends but back to work tomorrow.

Original poster

Garon · 04/01/2016 11:54

he's my first of 3 so I guess I am trying to work out if i've messed up! When we decided on how much we were going to give him, based on what the govt apparently thinks they need, it did seem like a lot, but he did swear he would get some work during the time. He did work full time for a year before he went which was great. The reason he's sleeping all day is partly because he's out late, so it's not complete inertia! I guess my main concern is that he'll continue this routine when he comes back to our small flat in May. I posted because i'm really not sure if IABU. We have discussed it and he knows how i feel but actually i've been quite restrained...

I guess it would be difficult (unfair) to arrange it differently for the next 2, I mean to give them less to live on. The truth is that his grandparents gave him some money for his 21st which was supposed to be used for 'projects' like learning to drive or travelling and I dare say this has been a big counter-incentive to getting paid employment...

OP posts:

angelos02 · 04/01/2016 12:07

It's pretty ridiculous to say he should be working if he's a student. How would that work if his university is a hundred miles away?

I used to get bar work in my home town every single holiday when I was a student. No way could I just leech off my parents for weeks at a time.

mumeeee · 04/01/2016 12:07

We pay most of DD3's rent she pays some of it. We don't give her any other money. She has tried but been unsuccessful in getting a job. However she is now applying for graduate schemes and has got through the first stages with 3 of them.
I digress as I said before sleeping late on non uni days is normal for a uni student. I know DD3 will stay up late doing assignments. She has friends but they don't tend to stay out late.
DD1 and DD2 had similar sleep patterns but they did go out more. None of this affected them getting their degrees

mumeeee · 04/01/2016 12:08

Is he applying for any jobs when he finishes uni?

DanishBlue · 04/01/2016 12:09

the problem is you are topping his loan up therefore he has no incentive to get up and work. DS only got the minimum maintenance loan too, although he lived in very cheap area so his loan covered rent (just) - we willingly gave him £30 a week for food and paid for books and sport membership but beer money had to be self funded. He couldn't get a job in his uni town (high area of unemployment) and therefore commuted 160 miles round trip every weekend to work in his home town. The £80 a week he made from working Sat/Sun covered his return rail travel and £60 a week for nights out. Working at home also meant he could work 30 hours a week during the holidays and stash some away for other things.

He did that for 2.5 years of his 3 year degree.

Stop the top ups now, he won't have any incentive to get a FT job when the time comes at this rate.

Original poster

Garon · 04/01/2016 12:10

not yet, but he did go to a graduate recruitment fair!

OP posts:

Samantha28 · 04/01/2016 12:12

It's pretty ridiculous to say he should be working if he's a student. How would that work if his university is a hundred miles away?

When I was young, they had this amazing invention called the Royal Mail, which enabled you to apply for jobs in places hundreds of miles away . Most homes also had things called telephones which could be used for similar purposes .

Now I believe there is something called the Internet , which allows young people to apply for work in different places . I recommend it to you .

Original poster

Garon · 04/01/2016 12:14

trouble is whenever we discussed it he was always just about to get a job...

OP posts:

FedupNagging · 04/01/2016 12:27

Garon you haven't messed up at all - he's 21 and a student - the majority of students I know do exactly the same. Admittedly some do have jobs so get up when required on those days.

You have agreed to top up his student loan - it's up to him at 21 to budget accordingly especially if he doesn't have pt work. Just don't give him any more.

Ds2 (19) is exactly the same and it drives me nuts too. He had a really well paid job in the summer (worked 12 hour days for 3 months) and earnt lots of money so doesn't see the need for a pt job in term time - he only goes into college 3 days a week! We pay his car insurance but that's about it as we think he needs to learn to budget and get pt work!

SaggingTits · 04/01/2016 12:34

I'm only a few years older than your son and have a child. For the past 2 days we haven't got up till 12pm thanks to ds staying up till the early hours. My mum used to hate me having a lay ins during half term/the weekend. Never understood why, and still don't. If he wasn't in education or working and it was all the time, fine. But really he has a lifetime ahead of being up early for work, children etc.

Financially supporting him is a different issue.

mumeeee · 04/01/2016 12:53

I was just asking about whether he had applied for any jobs or Graduate schemes as DD3 was told at the end of the 2nd year to start looking in the summer break to see what's available and to definitely start applying at the beginning of the 3rd year. Her uni has also had workshops on specific CV writing and help with applications.
I know that doesn't have anything to do with his sleeping but might give him something to do while he's home. DD3 has actually done some of her best research on these jobs late at night.

SevenOfNineTrue · 04/01/2016 12:53

Sorry but he should get a job. When he graduates and he goes looking for work, employers will not be impressed that he has never worked.

Dipankrispaneven · 04/01/2016 12:54

Samantha, why would you apply for jobs hundreds of miles away if you're going home for Christmas? And there isn't a whole lot of demand for people who're only available for a couple of weeks before going back to university. Even restaurants, shops and hotels recruiting extra staff for Christmas tend tp want people who are available from the beginning of December.

Original poster

Garon · 04/01/2016 13:01

he has worked SevenOf Nine - full time for a year before going to uni.

OP posts:

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