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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not seeing the man I'm seeing over Xmas

84 replies

PJsAndWine · 22/12/2015 23:42

So I've been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks now (so all still pretty new), so far have been seeing each other about twice a week due to my work commitments but it's worked & we are both happy with that.

Tonight we were chatting about Xmas etc so I asked him when I was likely to see him over Xmas/before new year ... His reply oh you probably won't as ill be with family & seeing all my cousins
I feel a bit odd and upset about it as thought it would of been nice to spend a bit of time together whilst we are both off work.

AIBU to feel a bit odd & upset about this? & to have expected to see him?

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 22/12/2015 23:43

what is the basis of your time together?

Original poster

PJsAndWine · 22/12/2015 23:46

Forgot to put

When I've seen him it's been varied in length of time etc as in we've gone out for a large chunk of the day, only been out for a couple of drinks, stayed in with a takeaway etc

I've also stayed at his a couple of times

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 23/12/2015 00:05

very early days i guess but this world piss me off.

MsMims · 23/12/2015 00:10

I think it sounds pretty normal in a new relationship.

MinesAPintOfTea · 23/12/2015 00:13

Does he have geographically distant family? IE is christmas their one time to catch up? You're a bit new to run the gauntlet of the relatives yet....

PiperChapstick · 23/12/2015 00:13

I also think this sounds normal, Christmas is a busy time for most people and often a box ticking exercise for visiting family! I wouldn't worry too much

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 23/12/2015 00:13

It is very early days. You've not been together long and he probably has plans which are longer standing than your relationship! TBH, if he has cousins who aren't normally around then I think he's totally right to put catching up with them over spending time with someone he's only been with for a few weeks.

I have to say, if a woman came on here and said someone she'd only been with for six weeks had the hump because she had plans with her family over Christmas she'd be told that was a red flag.

I really think you need to accept this and make your own plans, because if you start insisting someone cancels holiday plans with their family to spend time with you after 6 weeks of what sounds like fairly casual dating, you'll look clingy, needy and demanding.

eastwest · 23/12/2015 00:15

I think 6 weeks isn't a very long time. He will have made plans well in advance. I would just plan to have yourself a happy, fun, independent Christmas and maybe text him on Christmas Eve to wish him a good one.

Mmmmcake123 · 23/12/2015 00:17

Don't want to offend, but are you worried there is a double life thing going on?

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 00:17

At six weeks' dating I would consider Christmas too "intimate" to share with someone. It's so fraught with emotion and traditions and nostalgia and expectations. I would not insert myself into someone's life that deeply at that stage nor welcome him in to my extended family Christmas at that stage of dating.

ilovesooty · 23/12/2015 00:19

His plans have probably been in lace a lot longer than you've been together. I think you're BU.

leghoul · 23/12/2015 00:28

you are being unreasonable. 6 weeks is certainly far far too soon to be expecting to derail his Christmas plans with family - and many people would find it odd and overbearing if someone wanted to - see him afterwards and take it from there

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2015 00:56

married Probably not but if you had any worries about that, time to check it out.

When I started dating DH, he had to take off for a week when I was off to see family. He is very family oriented so now we're married, that's great. Good sign if it turns long-term.

LaLyra · 23/12/2015 01:08

If he's got family plans he's got family plans. We're all going away to a couple of cottages for Xmas and New Year. My BIL met a new woman 4/5 weeks ago and I'd be raising eyebrows if she started kicking off about him going tbh. 6 weeks is hardly any time at all and his plans were probably made long ago. If he's seeing cousins etc then it sounds like Christmas is a big family time for him.

BackforGood · 23/12/2015 01:11

Depends on things like how local his family are, but I agree, I wouldn't expect him to miss family stuff / getting together with family for such a new relationship, nor would I think it was a good time to be introducing you to them.

DeepBlueLake · 23/12/2015 01:42

Tbh at 6 weeks together I wouldn't expect to spend Christmas with my fella unless his family was local as this may be the only time of year they can be together, he shouldn't forgo that for a very new girlfriend.

DH and I had been together for about for 6 months by the time our first Christmas came along, I travelled to his family's house for Christmas because I didn't have any other family or friends in the UK so MIL insisted I came. I don't think I would have the guts to ask.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/12/2015 01:44

I'm not seeing the man I am seeing over Christmas...and it's been about 18 months or so...we've just got different plans. He is a FWB though so maybe that's slightly different. As it's only been 6 weeks, I wouldn't give it much thought. Next year may be different for you both!

sparkofnaturesfire · 23/12/2015 07:01

There are a few days between Christmas and New Year though. It depends what his actual plans are. If it involves travel to sees various family members then fine, can completely understand that he wouldn't be able to see you. But if he's at home with days free in between then I would've thought meeting up for a couple of drinks would be doable.

Would absolutely not expect to see him on Christmas day or Boxing day though.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 23/12/2015 07:09

Oh, ffs. So now, because a bloke has plans to see his family over the holidays, he must be married?

You've only been together six weeks, OP. He probably made his Christmas plans months ago if he was single and didn't want to spend the holidays alone. He shouldn't be expected to cancel plans with his family for you, especially if seeing them involves travel/seeing distant relatives etc.

I would try and find a night (probably between Christmas and New Year) to see him. Maybe go for dinner or for a couple of drinks to catch up after the Christmas mayhem is over.

londonrach · 23/12/2015 07:12

Poor guy. Its only 6 weeks. Dont think anything of it op and just enjoy your christmas x

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 07:15

Yabu you have only been seeing each other 6 weeks.

Most people have plans for Christmas well in advance even if it's not set in stone or traditions.

I would be really shocked if someone I was seeing for 6 weeks expected me to change my plans.

As for the married comment? Really? Because he wants to see his own family?

Would you say the same of the op was a man and her oh a woman?

A man being pisses because his girlfriend won't cancel plans after they have been dating 6 weeks, would get told to get grip, not that she might be married.

RedMapleLeaf · 23/12/2015 07:30

I think YABU and I would feel exactly the same

I understand that you're not expecting to see him Christmas Day, but to spend some time together in the next week when you've both got time off.

I wonder if that's how he understood the question. I recently got back in touch with a friend and she said she was really busy over Christmas with prior commitments. We managed a couple of hours on Sunday and it turns out she's pretty much free from the 27th and did I fancy doing something with her that week? Just different definitions of "over Christmas".

AuntieStella · 23/12/2015 07:32

I think it's totally reasonable to have made your plans for Christmas some weeks in advance. And it's rude to cancel because something else came up.

So, not unreasonable for you hope he's have some time free, but not something you can expect.

Now, how were your Christmas plans shaping up 6 weeks ago? Focus on those.

Hissy · 23/12/2015 07:33

I'm seeing someone atm, I won't be seeing him at Christmas and as I've had a crappy cold this past week had to cancel last weekend.

He still very much wants to see me in the days between Christmas and new year and has suggested something already.

This guy sounds like he's not actually that bothered. I'd expect someone to want to make the effort, given that there are a lot of bank holidays and official days off.

If they didn't, I'd be reconsidering just how much time I devoted to them.

DinosaursRoar · 23/12/2015 07:57

I ordered my turkey more than 6 weeks ago !

At Christmas it is normal to have plans in place a few months in advance, particularly if they involve lots of people, travel, hotels etc, and particularly if you are expecting to be alone if you don't make plans.

If you have a small family who live relatively close, then yes, I can see why you'd expect "Christmas plans" to be just about Christmas day and the rest of the time being free. But bigger families who are spread out a bit more, it can end up being 5/6 'events' over the festive period to fit everyone in.

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