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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not seeing the man I'm seeing over Xmas

84 replies

PJsAndWine · 22/12/2015 23:42

So I've been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks now (so all still pretty new), so far have been seeing each other about twice a week due to my work commitments but it's worked & we are both happy with that.

Tonight we were chatting about Xmas etc so I asked him when I was likely to see him over Xmas/before new year ... His reply oh you probably won't as ill be with family & seeing all my cousins
I feel a bit odd and upset about it as thought it would of been nice to spend a bit of time together whilst we are both off work.

AIBU to feel a bit odd & upset about this? & to have expected to see him?

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 23/12/2015 08:01

"I ordered my turkey more than 6 weeks ago !"

Bet you put the sprouts on too!

I agree that if one or more or his family visits are far flung, that could easily take up all his Christmas leave

theycallmemellojello · 23/12/2015 08:03

Yep, sorry, another vote for normal! Although, I guess if you're in the same city over the Xmas period he could probably squeeze you in for a drink or something. My DH and I would always spend a week apart from Christmas and New Year with our respective families for years until we had our DS. I think that lots of people see Christmas as a time for the family unit, not partners.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/12/2015 08:08

It's 6 weeks in! Of course he shouldn't be expected to drop existing plans with friends and family to see you. Doesn't mean he's married it just means he has a life and you're only a 6 week dating episode in to it which is nothing really.

HackerFucker22 · 23/12/2015 08:11

I'd been seeing DP for a few months when our "first" Christmas came round. We saw each other Xmas eve morning and then the day after boxing day. This is despite us living about 10 minutes away from each other both were home but had relatives visiting

In the January we moved in together.

This was a decade ago.

DinosaursRoar · 23/12/2015 08:12

Edith - I'm not that bad - but the delivery slots for Waitrose did open at the start of October, in this town, you get a slot on the first day they become available or not at, and you need to book your turkey early or they sell out. Which means I did already know who was coming on Christmas day and boxing day back in September....

Thinking about it further OP, I don't think I have a particularly extensive family, and the bulk will be 'covered' by Christmas day and Boxing Day, but back in the start of December, DS's best friend, who normally goes away for the school holidays to stay with grandparents, said they were staying at home this year and hosting, and friend ask me/their mum to sort out a playdate for the school holidays. I realised the only free day we have is 31st - and that's only because we have decided we're not to go to friends for NYE the other side of London (which would have required a mid-afternoon leaving here). We'll sort something, it might just have to be a couple of hours squeezed between other family commitments/asked his family to join us at something we are doing, but it's easy to see how a whole fortnight can get booked up without really making much effort to do so.

diddl · 23/12/2015 08:29

I think it depends how far away he will be.

He's got plans that he can't cancel, obvs.

But if he was nearby I'd expect him to want to find some time to see me tbh.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 23/12/2015 08:39

I know it's a new relationship, but I would be miffed too. I don't think OP is saying she expects to be paraded round his family fgs! More than they both have some (presumably) rare time off, and she had assumed she would be seeing him at least once over the break!
I would be a little wary about throwing your heart into this one just yet. If I know men (and I like to think I do) if they are really into you they will find the time to see you, even if it's just to swing by your house with a gift. I once had a very new boyfriend at Xmas who lived in a different town. He drove to my house at 11 at night just to put a gift through the door.
Keep your options open and trust your gut.

XiCi · 23/12/2015 08:39

I guess everyones different but at 6 weeks me and dh couldn't keep our hands off each other and were together every second we could. It's the honeymoon period for most couples isn't it? So, yes, understand that he would spend Xmas day with his family but to not have a spare second to have a drink with you Xmas eve or between Xmas and new year is odd. Maybe he's a tight arse and is trying to get out of buying you a pressie

Bodicea · 23/12/2015 08:40

I can't help but think his is a case of he's just not that into you.
At 6 weeks you are normally at the heady excited stage if things are going well and generally want to show off your new beau to friends at least, if not family. Surely there is one day where he is meeting friends, say in the pub and would be a good opportunity to bring you along? It's the perfect opportunity for a gently introduction.
If he is going away the whole time then fair enough but would need more details to get an idea if he is keen or not really.

Bodicea · 23/12/2015 08:41

gentle introduction! Sorry

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 23/12/2015 08:41

But dinosaurs you are married /partnered with kids. That's a different set up. Single men just aren't as booked up generally.

NerrSnerr · 23/12/2015 08:56

My husband and I didn't see each other over the Christmas period for the first 4 years or so we were together, we just celebrated early. It wasn't until we moved in together we'd go to our own parents house at Christmas but spend time together after Boxing Day.

carabos · 23/12/2015 09:01

Did you know him before you started this relationship or is this someone you only met six weeks ago? If you have literally only known each other for six weeks then YABVVU.

I don't know anyone who would want to spend Xmas with someone they've just met. It's a time for family and close, longstanding friends not some random new date. I'd run a mile if I were him and you were nattering me to change arrangements that may well have been made months before.

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 09:04

YABU, I think. 6 weeks into a relationship is a bit soon to expect to horn in on what is for a lot of people 'family only' time.

BooOzMoo · 23/12/2015 09:06

Yep VVU!

So you've seen him 12 times and you want to spend Christmas with him!

Birdsgottafly · 23/12/2015 09:06

OP, you need to gently find out his plans and then make your decision.

As for posts such as "couldn't keep our hands off each other", I wouldn't want a man who let down his Granny for a shag.

His commitment to family, not letting people down, not putting his very new girlfriend first, could bode well for the future.

scribblegirl · 23/12/2015 09:07

I think YABU - I'd been with DH 2.5 months when our first Christmas rolled around. He'd already committed to spending the week at the other end of the country with his mum - it would have been poor form to back out on the basis of us having been bf/gf for a few weeks! We did however have a lovely chat on the phone every day, I'd be disappointed if this guy was essentially NC over the break.

Do you know what his NYE plans are? I've always taken the view that Xmas is for family but friends or partners (who you don't consider family yet) have priority on NYE

Needtobebetter · 23/12/2015 09:13

I can understand that you're disappointed as 6 weeks in everything is still new and exciting. My DH and I got together about 6 weeks before Xmas, that first year I didn't see him at all, I was upset at the time although didn't say anything. It turns out his family was very small and he didn't want to introduce me straight away, he is a very shy and closed person, he wanted to be sure about our relationship before mentioning me to his family. He had lots of plans with friends and he doesn't ever lie to his family so wasn't happy with sayng he was seeing friends again, he simply didn't see me. Perhaps not the way everyone handles things but it wasn't actually an issue, 4 years later we got married at Christmas, I definitely saw him that year! Relax and look forward to seeing him after new year, the chances are this won't even be an issue.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 23/12/2015 09:22

I totally agree with those who say this should be a honeymoon period, and he should want to squeeze in some available time to see you. That doesn't mean Xmas day/boxing day/going along to family events, BUT not even a quick drink at some point.

Unless he's going to be away for the whole festive period, then I agree YANBU. And if it was me, I would be worried he was not that into me.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 23/12/2015 09:24

But reading your OP, you sound quite casual too re fitting him around work commitments, so maybe you've set the tone already.....

CarlaJones · 23/12/2015 09:31

If the family are local i would expect him to fit in seeing you at least once. If they are the other side of the country that's different

Fairenuff · 23/12/2015 09:35

The time between Christmas and New Year is only a week and as you usually only see each other twice a week, it's only a couple of dates you'll be missing.

Are you not working at all that week OP?

Bearbehind · 23/12/2015 09:39

I think the fact you've only spoken about your Christmas plans 3 days before Christmas has set the tone anyway.

Not many people haven't already made their plans at this late stage.

He probably thought you were more casual about it than you are and, given neither of you brought it up until now, has either made plans or is going along with existing plans.

If you don't talk about stuff like this until this late stage you can't really be surprised when it doesn't go the way you'd like it.

Fadingmemory · 23/12/2015 09:41

Many, or maybe even most people put family first if they have a good relationship. You are in a new romantic relationship and not yet it seems enough of a significant other to be virtual family. You do not explain the distances or logistics involved for him. Perhaps next Christmas will be very different. Concentrate on making the time as enjoyable for you and your family and friends as possible and forget about what is not going to happen. Hope all works out well in the new year.

Shutthatdoor · 23/12/2015 10:00

so far have been seeing each other about twice a week due to my work commitments

So he has to fit into your work commitments but you are miffed when he says he is busy over Christmas/new year....

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