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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset my baby has no separation anxiety

79 replies

Imknackeredzzz · 17/12/2015 05:50

I know this is a silly thing to be upset about ! Don't flame me!

My almost 8 month old little boy shows absolutely no signs of any separation anxiety at all- and I'm stupidly finding it quite upsetting.

If I leave the room he barely notices, can leave him with anyone he's never seen before and not bothered at all. I feel like maybe he's not bonded with me- am I doing something wrong ?!

OP posts:

BooOzMoo · 17/12/2015 05:54

Enjoy it!!!! I've had 3 without separation anxiety !!! It's just because you make them feel so secure !

Enjoy the school gates when your child cheerily waves after a kiss and enters school and enjoys school but loves coming home..... As opposed to the distressed mum and the screaming banshee child clinging on to mums leg leaving blood and fingernails behind!!

Your kid had confidence in themselves and in mummy!!!!

dontpokethebear · 17/12/2015 05:55

He might not have got to that stage yet? By being upset that he hasn't for SA you're essentially wishing him to be unhappy, be thankful that he is obviously a well adjusted and content little boy!
2/3 of my children had separation anxiety and trust me when I say it is truly miserable for all involved if you have to leave them with someone and they're screaming for you.

Doublebubblebubble · 17/12/2015 05:55

My DD (6) was and is like this... When she went into nursery she would be so excited to see the other children that she would completely forget to acknowledge me... that all changed once she started school though. she just completely ignores everything I say lol she does turn round to give me a kiss and a hug xx

potoftea · 17/12/2015 05:57

Look at it another way...your baby is so confident and secure in your love, that he has no fear of anything less from the world.
My dd was always willing to leave me and be with anyone else, but she grew up like that, very outgoing and confident, makes friends wherever she goes. And we've always been very close.
On the other hand, next month your baby might be screaming if you leave his sight, and you'll dream of going to the bathroom alone!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/12/2015 05:58

He's still young. Why do you think he might not have attached to you? Can you comfort him when he cries? Does he chat and smile with you when you interact with him? Does he put him arms out for a cuddle when he sees you?
I'm sure your attachment relationship is fine, and I'm sure he will develop some appropriate anxiety when left as he gets a bit older

Original poster

Imknackeredzzz · 17/12/2015 05:59

I know I'm being stupid- and of course I don't really want him to be upset - i think it's all my friends with their babies saying "well of course he /she wants no one but me" ..... Grrrrrr

OP posts:

Domino777 · 17/12/2015 06:00

It kicked on at 12 months with mine!

MiamiNaice · 17/12/2015 06:11

Also mine kicked off at 12 months and still has moments when I leave her to go anywhere at age of 2!
8 month olds are happy anywhere I think as long as fed and warm with needs met and toys. 12 months onwards are a little more clued up imo. It's horrible when you leave a room and they start to sob 😟

BikeRunSki · 17/12/2015 06:14

8 months is early days yet...

dontpokethebear · 17/12/2015 06:18

Sorry OP, just re read my pp and didn't mean it to sound that harsh!

Don't listen to other mothers!

TheOddity · 17/12/2015 06:20

It will kick in and you will rue the day you posted this! It is only just starting at 8 months for most. Mine was worst at about 1 year

TheGruffaloFish · 17/12/2015 06:26

I'm pretty sure my DD started later than that, maybe 10 months when she started walking. DS, it wasn't until he was about 2.5, and didn't last for very long! Now he's 6 and always checks before he goes to school that I will be back home when he comes home.

Atenco · 17/12/2015 06:28

No blame to those of us whose children have had separation anxiety that was the only thing my dd was precocious in, but I do think that a happy child who knows he can count on his parent to always be there, is more likely not to worry about separation.

Original poster

Imknackeredzzz · 17/12/2015 06:32

Dontpoke - it's fine honestly - I Am being silly I know that! Just always worried that my baby wouldn't love me! Irrational fear I guess

OP posts:

SevenSeconds · 17/12/2015 06:33

I remember it being around 14 months.

rumbelina · 17/12/2015 06:33

Be careful what you wish for!!

Be happy that your child feels secure in the world right now.

CastaDiva · 17/12/2015 06:36

I don't think separation anxiety has anything to do with how secure/loved a child is - it's a neutral developmental stage they pass through, to do with starting to have a grasp of object permanence.

HackerFucker22 · 17/12/2015 06:40

DC1 has never shown any kind of separation anxiety (he's 3 now). Yes he wants me if he is poorly or scared and he went through a period of being clingy when I had DC2. He gives me kisses and cuddles, he is affectionate and tactile but he just doesn't seem to care when he leaves me or I leave him and never really has.

He has been with me, granny or daddy since he was born (granny and daddy shared childcare for the year I went back to work between children) and he was fine. He started nursery 6 weeks ago and I was worried he'd struggle as he has only ever been with family but nope he was absolutely perfect and toddled off for his first preschool session without so much as a backwards glance..... I didn't even have to go to his classroom with him. He has been like that every day (does 2.5 days per week).

I am proud that I've raised such a confident and secure child. The nursery staff cannot believe how well he has coped!!!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 17/12/2015 06:41

Mine never did either. She's 2 now and still happy to toddle off and play with other people/go to grandparents houses etc. She still loves me (as far as I can tell!).
Having seen friends with babies with severe separation anxiety I'm glad we've never been through it.

Whendoigetadayoff · 17/12/2015 06:53

Be pleased you have confident child. And he's only 8 months. My DD absolutely fine with us leaving when baby. Then when her brother left nursery and she was 3 she then developed separation and need unclipping from my legs at nursery! Took me by surprise then but was happy she hadn't been like that as baby. DS a bit clingy when younger but he was very ill baby and I think he got his anxiety from me having it!

icklekid · 17/12/2015 06:57

Oh gosh very jealous! I desperately want ds to go to others but from a very young age he really struggled. He took a long time to settle with childminder and whilst now is very attached to her anyone else is very tough. If I'm around even dh sometimes won't do 😕 it's exhausting! Ds is 17 months but been like it from tiny...

bigTillyMint · 17/12/2015 07:10

My DD never showed any separation anxiety and went willingly to all and sundry.
Roll on to school journey in Y5 and Y6. Who was the only child crying when it was time to get on the bus?

jorahmormont · 17/12/2015 07:10

DD went to nursery from 5 months so she didn't have separation anxiety at 7 months... or 12 months... or 15 months... she'd go to anyone but she would beam at us when we came to pick her up, and when she could walk she'd run right over. It's no comment on how attached they are to you as a parent (although some people get quite sanctimonious about it) - it shows that you've helped them to be sociable and confident and independent, which is our goal as parents, right?

We're now at 20 months and she is just starting to get a little clingy, but not hugely so. Try not to worry too much - it's early days yet!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/12/2015 07:12

Separation anxiety isn't related to how confident and happy a child is. It's a manifestation (which can be extreme or mild) of normal secure attachment development.
It's not necessarily a bad sign of a baby doesn't display it if they show other signs as I said above. And it's not necessarily a good sign if there is clear separation anxiety. It's individual. It's not something to envy or to boast about or to boast about not having it.

Ragwort · 17/12/2015 07:16

My DS never, ever showed any 'separation anxiety' - he is a teenager now and is confident and outgoing. I can understand a little of how you feel as I have never felt that I am 'the most important person' in my DS's life - but I recognise that is more about me than him.

He cried the first time I picked him up from a chlld minder . he loved going to nursery and playschool, going to school, cub camps, school trips, sleepovers etc etc.

As we have moved around a bit it is fortunate that he is s confident as he has had to move schools a couple of times - but I have never, ever 'got' that feeling that 'I can't leave him with anyone but me' - I could have left him with anyone .

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