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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset my baby has no separation anxiety

79 replies

Imknackeredzzz · 17/12/2015 05:50

I know this is a silly thing to be upset about ! Don't flame me!

My almost 8 month old little boy shows absolutely no signs of any separation anxiety at all- and I'm stupidly finding it quite upsetting.

If I leave the room he barely notices, can leave him with anyone he's never seen before and not bothered at all. I feel like maybe he's not bonded with me- am I doing something wrong ?!

OP posts:

redexpat · 17/12/2015 08:35

all my friends with their babies saying "well of course he /she wants no one but me" This might be more about your friends needing to be needed rather than their babies' separation anxiety.

Excited101 · 17/12/2015 08:43

14 months here too...

Try to get over it though op, you start putting your ideas onto him and you might get more anxiety than you bargained for! Concentrate on the positives that is a happy and confident baby

possiblefutures · 17/12/2015 08:48

I think ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight has it.

queenrollo · 17/12/2015 08:50

my first only displayed some mild separation anxiety at about 10 months. He went off to nursery without a backward glance. He's 10 now and I'm constantly tripping over the lanky sod, he follows me round the house like a lost puppy.

Youngest (nearly 3) had it by the bucketload. It took months to settle him at nursery, he still cries when we go out and even then we can only leave him with my mum and dad. It's exhausting and isolating.

Mistigri · 17/12/2015 08:51

Just be grateful ...

When my DS was around 5/6 months I couldn't even go out for a 30 minute walk without coming back to an extremely distressed baby :( His older sister, who is naturally more confident and outgoing, never did this.

It was over fairly quickly - at 12 months he settled into a nursery with no issues at all - but it was hard work at the time!

Senpai · 17/12/2015 08:55

DD was indifferent until she was about 18 months who she was with. Now I at least get a smile and hug when I come back after leaving.

Your kid is happy and confident, consider it a good thing that you're doing a good job so far.

bruffin · 17/12/2015 08:56

Seperation anxiety is nothing to do with feeling secure. Its a developmental process where they start realising that they are a seperate identity to their mother.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 17/12/2015 08:57

ds was the same and very rarely cried

I was told I would make it difficult for myself always carrying him in a sling, him sleeping in my bed, carrying him when he wanted to be carried and so on it was just me and him and I totally indulged him

His first full day at nursery when I picked him up he clung onto the door frame screaming I want to stay I don't want to go home and he has always happily gone to school

Just the way he is makes life easier

I made the mistake of asking him when he first stayed at his dad's for a whole weekend did he miss me he thought about it then said no not really mummy

I know he does at times just not as much as I miss him which is good isn't it

Brioche201 · 17/12/2015 08:58

It normally peak about a year or just after.
It is a sign of a secure attachment.premature independence is generally not good

SalemSaberhagen · 17/12/2015 08:59

Ours didn't kick in until about 10 months, then she would scream if I so much as walked out of the room for 10 seconds. She went through phases where nobody else would do, not even DP.

Even now at 15 months she will only be left with me, DP or DM (luckily DM is also my childcare whilst I work). It's exhausting.

She is also very shy around new people, if they speak to her she scrambles up mr and sticks her head in my neck. Really hoping that she grows out of it soon!

SalemSaberhagen · 17/12/2015 09:00

Me*

NCISaddict · 17/12/2015 09:06

Non of my three showed any separation anxiety, they're all confident, happy adults with a warm close relationship with me (and DH), I think that people saying it's because they feel secure/not secure is generally unhelpful. It's just who they are, we're all individuals.

It's like saying babies should wake during the night until they're x age to a Mum who has children who sleep or the reverse.

I was told that only thick children sleep well , worried me for ages, I was also told that my children obviously weren't bonded to me. Comments like that caused me no end of grief totally unnecessarily.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 17/12/2015 09:08

It's a good thing - it means your child feels secure and safe enough to trust you will come back to you. This means you have a fantastic bond.

Separation anxiety is not a good thing!

DD never used to show any emotion when I left her somewhere but she'd always rush to me when I returned - people remarked on her placid personality - you will be grateful when your child is older.

SalemSaberhagen · 17/12/2015 09:09

DD will be a genius if that's correct NCI

Whaleshark · 17/12/2015 09:10

Enjoy it OP. Some DC do never suffer separation anxiety. I have one like that. He went off happily to nursery, pre school, and school, with no tears or upset. He is 8 now, and is the most loving, huggy little boy you could wish for. The only time I ever recall him getting upset, was when work got a bit crazy and I ended up not seeing him for several bed times on the trot when he was 3 or 4. We had tears down the phone when I rang to say goodnight to him, and I felt awful. I am so glad I didn't have to feel like that any other times.

I think it is a matter of luck, and depends on the basic personality of the child you get, but it is definitely not a bad thing.

Ipsos · 17/12/2015 09:12

I think it might be partly just personality too. I have friends with very confident babies who are happy to go adventuring, but mine was the opposite. You may just have a very gregarious baby.

tabulahrasa · 17/12/2015 09:13

It's a developmental stage, but it's not always the same with every child, some are really clingy and get hysterical when left alone or with someone else, some just go through a stage of - here I'm by myself in a room here come back and entertain me.

Either he's not hit that stage of development yet, or possibly he's been doing the more chilled version and you've not noticed it as what it is (easily done).

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/12/2015 09:15

It's neither a good thing or a bad thing
Secure attachment to caregivers is indicated by a range of behaviours. One of which is often upset when they are separated, for a short time, followed by happiness when reunited.
Absence of this neither means that your child is a self sufficient genius nor that they are unhappy and insecure.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/12/2015 09:20

OP, read up about The Strange Situation by psychologist Mary Ainsworth for more on different kind of responses to separation.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/12/2015 09:23

None of mine have ever had separation anxiety either. Neither did I

My twins went into nursery full time at 8 months old, they were fine, as was I - but I have always been left with the nagging feeling that because I didn't cry my eyes out or talk about how I couldn't bear to be away from them, I must be a lesser mum. They're 6 now and very affectionate and we have a completely normal relationship so I'm pretty sure it was only other people's expectations that were the problem.

DS3 didn't go to nursery until age 3 but he's the same tbh.

cjt110 · 17/12/2015 09:27

Yes - YABU. My son didn't get it til approx 13m. At 16m it breaks my heart everytime I leave him at nursery and he cries, even though I know he settles within minutes. Or at home when I need to go for a pee and he cries when I leave the room.

Be careful what you wish for. I was please he didnt have it when all my friends said their children had it. We just got it later.

Flingingmelon · 17/12/2015 09:34

We didn't get it until DS was two.

minipie · 17/12/2015 09:34

YABU

It doesn't mean anything. Some children just have it more than others (I never showed any separation anxiety as a child, my DCs are much the same, so perhaps it's partly genetic). Be grateful! Much more convenient than a child who is surgically attached to you.

and as others have said, it may kick in later...

ghostspirit · 17/12/2015 09:36

gosh im back to work in jan and really hope my baby does not show any. will end up going to work feeling all churned up and wanting to cry... no thanks i hope he does not even notice. well he will but i just hope hes happy

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 17/12/2015 09:43

It doesn't usually kick in till 10 - 12 months, sometimes later, so fear not, soon you too can enjoy the pleasures of never weeing alone, and tearful, dramatic partings as you go to put the kettle on.

Relax and enjoy your baby.

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