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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mum getting married - aibu

96 replies

scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 16:43

My mum had an affair, with a guy who was also married. I was 15 when she left my dad, it has left unimaginable scars.
10 years on she is marrying the man next years

I have never spoken to this guy, never met him and frankly I never want to. He ruined my mum and dads marriage.
I don't want to go but she thinks I'm being stupid.

The sad thing is, EVERYONE knew before me! She told my girlfriend before me! So that my girlfriend could do her dirty work!

OP posts:
PepperThePrepper · 15/11/2015 16:46

I wouldn't go either tbh. Not because it was an affair but because of the way she handled telling you.

PepperThePrepper · 15/11/2015 16:47

Always remember that no matter what she says about you being daft or whatever, your thoughts and feelings are valid.

BitchPeas · 15/11/2015 16:49

I wouldn't go. I agree with what pepper says too.

LemonySmithit · 15/11/2015 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineAndShadows · 15/11/2015 16:50

Hthus man did not ruin your mum and dad's marriage. Your mum chose to lie, cheat and deceive you and your father because her feelings are more important than hers.

She is still prioritising her own feelings - she doesn't want the discomfort of telling you so she told everyone else first.

Your mum is the person sidelining you, disregarding your feelings and prioritising herself. Don't blame the OM. These choices are hers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2015 16:50

It's been ten years and if you are feeling that you are scarred for life, you need to seek help. For your own sake, not hers.

SunshineAndShadows · 15/11/2015 16:51

*her feelings are more important than yours

YakTriangle · 15/11/2015 16:51

You can't entirely blame him, she must have wanted to leave your dad too. I wouldn't go either though, you wouldn't be able to celebrate a marriage you completely disapprove of, so there would be no reason to attend.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 16:55

No one knows what goes on between two people. Your mum, of course, didnt go about it the right way. But hey, no-one is perfect and no one belongs to anyone else.

MammaTJ · 15/11/2015 16:58

I would not discuss my personal life with my 15 year old child. That in itself could be very damaging. I get that you are hurt though, and she did wrong to tell your GF.

I do think that if you want a relationship with your mum going forward you do kind of need to get on with it though. It has been 10 years and in that time you have gone from a teenager to an adult.

Your mum is equally responsible for the break up and you have no idea what part your Dad played in the break down of the marriage.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:00

Apologies OP if I just jumped in there.

Did she leave you with your dad to go off with him?

Original poster
scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 17:03

I want a relationship with my mum, just not her partner. Yes they are both to blame.

I don't need to seek help. I am scarred because I can't believe my own mother could do that infront of my eyes for three fecking years. She even went to my sisters wedding, watched her own daughter take her vows knowing full well she was breaking her own. I was a child, and then when she left she didn't speak to me for two years.

My dad was suicidal when she left. Absolutely deserved, heart broken. I have never seen somebody in so much pain before.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 17:05

She did ask me if I wanted to go with her or stay with my dad. But how can you ask a 15 year old that kind of question? Also my dad is in a wheelchair so he needed caring for.

OP posts:
mrsjanedoe · 15/11/2015 17:06

It must have been more than upsetting for you, and difficult for her to know how to handle the situation.

Just one thing that probably won't help, but here goes: she did not just have an affair. 10 years on, they are still together and getting married, so it sounds really serious. If she is still happy with the guy but wasn't with your dad, unfortunately she probably made the right decision then.

I hope your dad has now moved on.

Wolpertinger · 15/11/2015 17:07

You don't know what happened in your mum and dad's marriage. Yes your mum having an affair is shit but you have no idea what role your dad played.

And it seems that 10 years down the line she is still with the guy she had an affair with, they are very happy and probably it was right that she broke up with your dad, although not the way she did it.

Put the wedding aside, both your mum and dad will be very different now to 10 years ago and prob have v different memories of exactly why they split. Neither of which are likely to be the truth after such a long time.

10 years is a long time for you not to meet her new partner. Did she tell your GF before you because she knew this is a subject the pair of you just can't talk about rather than to be purposefully cruel?

If it's still feeling like it ruined your life after 10 years you need to find a way to move out of being a hurt 15 year old and in to being a 25 year old and you may find counselling v helpful. It shouldn't feel the same now as it did then and it seems it is just as raw for you now as if it happened yesterday.

Spilose · 15/11/2015 17:07

Judging by your subsequent posts I agree you need some kind of counselling to help your work through this.
Don't go if you don't want to.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:07

Ah so she did leave you at such a vulnerable age to be with this man then. I had the same thing happen to me.

I was 12. Mum walked out and left us. My father was also bereft for a very very long time.

Did I ever get over what she did.... no.

I'm in my 50's now and it did colour my life OP.

CalleighDoodle · 15/11/2015 17:10

Im sory but i also think you need counselling. For your sake.

Original poster
scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 17:15

I do know though, my dad and dad rarely had an argument, or a bad word said to each other. He was distraught when she left, if it was his fault then he wouldn't have been.

I get what you're all saying, I just do not feel comfortable going and watching her take vows when she couldn't keep her own vows.

It's scarred me to the point that I'm not sure if I want to get married. If my own mum can do this to me, what is to say my girlfriend won't?

It has taken 10 years but my dad has moved on and is really happy. He himself is planning to get married, truth be told I don't want to go to his wedding either. I want my parents to stay together :(

OP posts:
HourglassTigger · 15/11/2015 17:15

Based only on the info above?
Time to wheel out that crusty old adage 'bitterness is like swallowing poison yourself and expecting your enemy to die of it. Certainly you had every reason to feel aggrieved. But how are those resentful feelings serving you now? She ballsed up how she dealt with things ten years ago. Has she ever tried to own that, address your distress or put things right? Has your dad managed to move on? Is loyalty a factor in your feelings? You can't fix your folks marriage. That is history now. But can you salvage a future relationship with your mum? How would that serve you?

Original poster
scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 17:17

If my mum had left without an affair, then I could be happier but its the fact she went behind my dads back multiple times then finally left.

She even met the bloke in one of the hotel rooms, that my sister was being married in! While my dad was downstairs!

She's been shunned in the family,even some of her own family don't speak to herbecause of what she done

OP posts:
pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:20

In hindsight, this is what I would have done.

Have a very honest conversation with your mother (where she will still probably try to justify leaving you) but at a least you will be able to tell her.

Then counselling for the aftermath.

Very willing to speak on PM with you about this if you wish.

Original poster
scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 17:20

hourglasstigger - I realise that, the only person that is suffering is me and my son, because she won't come and see my son because that man tells her not to. He always says "if your son won't speak to me, I won't speak to his son"

But she has never apologized, she always says she didn't cheat. The only thing she repeats is "I shouldn't have left the way that I did, I miss your dad. I wish I could change time"

OP posts:
pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:21

You must be very very angry with her and rightly so.

WyrdByrd · 15/11/2015 17:21

You are 25 years old but appear to have become emotionally stuck at the point you were when your parent's split.

Your mum's behaviour was not ideal and it's understandable that there are scars from what you went through, but both your parents are moving on and happy in their new lives and you really need to do the same. It sounds like some counselling would be really beneficial for you to do this.

Also rarely witnessing parents arguing means nothing - people can keep the peace as far as 'outsiders' are concerned but still be deeply unhappy.