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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mum getting married - aibu

96 replies

scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 16:43

My mum had an affair, with a guy who was also married. I was 15 when she left my dad, it has left unimaginable scars.
10 years on she is marrying the man next years

I have never spoken to this guy, never met him and frankly I never want to. He ruined my mum and dads marriage.
I don't want to go but she thinks I'm being stupid.

The sad thing is, EVERYONE knew before me! She told my girlfriend before me! So that my girlfriend could do her dirty work!

OP posts:

Owllady · 15/11/2015 18:49

I think this thread and scenario is a reason why it can be really beneficial for young carers to receive advocacy and support away from their family, even if it's sporadic. My case was different as I was a sibling carer but with erratic parents but I needed alot more emotional support than I received (parents thought I should behave normal, counselling wrong etc. Extremely inappropriate)

My own children are now sibling carers and I make sure they have an outlet with their carers group, whether they want to access it or not, as its so important to have that available to them.

Op I'd ask your gp for a referral to the wellbeing service. The behaviour of your mother sounds incredibly damaging x

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 15/11/2015 19:58

How many threads have i read where people are supposed to leave when they are unhappy, but that is only ok if the kids are left with the mother, the mother isn't allowed to leave.

"My son will not even acknowledge my new partner, in fact is often very rude to him" MN standard response go NC,
so the mum has done exactly what i would expect people here to advise her to do.

Original poster

scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 20:07

Thanks all,
Pinot I'm sorry for your experience.

I just wanted other people's opinions. I posted the same on BC a while ago and they told me to grow up. I am a man but my girlfriend uses this site and said people are much nicer.

I will look into counselling, it's something I've never thought about before because I didn't think I'd need it. I always thought if my mum remarried I'd never go but I'm torn, torn between wanting to be there as she's my mum and torn between regretting not going.

I might sound quite immature but my childhood was a happy one until my dad had an accident and left him paralysed in a wheelchair then my mum started her affair. After seeing my dad in so much pain, I can't understand why you wouldn't just leave. Affairs sicken me.

OP posts:

Original poster

scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 20:11

But then on the other hand I'm so angry that she has even asked me to go. If I cheated and left this effect on my son, I would never think of asking him to go!
I told her I would think about going to the evening, but she goes don't be ridiculous why wouldn't you come to the whole thing

OP posts:

MySordidCakeSecret · 15/11/2015 20:23

if it's going to be a difficult experience for you that may harm your emotional/mental wellbeing then it's not worth it - don't go. You've got to look out for yourself.

If you want to try and build a relationship with your DM then this might be a good thing in that it's a push for you two to confront the past but if it's gone about in the wrong way it could just make things a whole lot worse. But don't ignore your feelings.

Wolpertinger · 15/11/2015 20:26

Sadly many people who are in unhappy marriages don't leave unless another prospect is either on the horizon or they are actually having an affair.

We all know that the adult thing to do is try to fix the marriage and if you can't, leave and only pursue relationships after you have left but this is harder to do than to write. Would it really have been easier for you anyway if your mum had just left without the affair? It would possibly have seemed like there was no reason at all?

I don't think you need to 'grow up' - with everything you have gone through you are probably far more grown up than most men of your age! But I am glad you will explore counselling.

In terms of the wedding, if you don't go I think it will be tough to have a relationship with your mother and you do seem to really want this. So I'm not sure you would regret not going but you might regret the fallout IYSWIM.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/11/2015 20:34

You don't need to grow up, but you do need to move on emotionally from the past as she has hurt you deeply.

As I said before your DM sounds very unpleasant, try and get some counseling before the wedding to help you process your feelings. Then make a decision - but always do what is good for you, not anyone else.

witsender · 15/11/2015 20:35

The affair alone I might have gotten over after 10 yes. But leaving you and ignoring you for 2 years and then putting the new man's feelings above yours I could not. So I wouldn't go to the wedding, and I would feel no guilt over that. I would look for counselling, and focus on your family and develop your confidence. You are struggling with this and many would, time to look forward now. How is your relationship with your mother now?

Original poster

scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 20:42

We have an okay relationship, she can go three months without talking to me so that's normal, as I said she didn't speak to me for two years. I only managed to speak to her briefly and I told her that I knew about her impending marriage. As I said above, she just said why wouldn't you come to the whole thing.
I just can't watch her take vows, I can't. And her telling me she's getting married has brought back all the the felings I had when I was 15.

Oh yes it would have been so much easier, if she had just left without the affair. Ok she would have broken up with my dad and my family unit would still be gone but at least then my dad wouldn't have been so hurt and I might not be so damaged.

Everyone says to me "its not fair if you go to your dads wedding and not your mums" but my dad didn't lie and cheat to be with that person!!

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 15/11/2015 20:46

We have an okay relationship

You have a relationship that is better than it used to be, I personally don't think what you have described is okay. Especially not seeing your child. Her affair is secondary to her behaviour.

witsender · 15/11/2015 20:51

I agree. I don't think you are at all unreasonable to feel the way that you do,and I probably would too. I would probably raincheck on making a decision for now, and do some soul searching with your family,maybe a counsellor about what you want for the future with regards to her. Can you move on with your life without her in it, while harbouring such upset? You may find that after examining these feelings that you make peace with them, and decide that you no longer want her in your life. Or you may decide tvaf you do want a relationship of sorts with her, in which case you would need to work through your hurt and try to come to some sort of compromise about the wedding. Either would be a thoroughly reasonable course of action.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/11/2015 20:57

Wolpertinger

I have no problem with people leaving marriages, I (like many others) have issues with people that have affairs that hurt others before they leave the marriage.

Wolpertinger · 15/11/2015 21:03

I don't know why you are aiming that comment at me. I never implied I thought it was OK either FFS.

TurnWifiOn · 15/11/2015 21:03

My mum left us is for her now husband when I was 11. It was tough but I am mature enough to realise that my parents marriage problems were not my business and I have a good relationship with my Dad, Mum and Step Father. My parents were not happy, they broke up, if your parents were happy then you wouldn't be in this situation.

You clearly haven't dealt with the break up even after all this time, I also suggest counselling and I say this kindly when I say that you need to grow up OP, you are now an adult.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/11/2015 21:09

But Turn when your Mum left did she not speak to you for two years?
There's much more to this than just the marriage breakdown.

TurnWifiOn · 15/11/2015 21:31

Contact was sporadic from my DM, think several months between contact, my Dad threatened to run away with us.

As an adult I realise that my parents shouldn't have stayed together

Owllady · 15/11/2015 22:29

You don't sound immature, you sound upset and confused. You are a human being, not a robot

Helloitsme15 · 15/11/2015 22:53

You have no obligation to go to the wedding. I have been in a exactly the same situation - though I was older than you when it happened - finding out all the stunts my dad pulled to see the OW and the lies he told. I was also left to deal with my mum and the mess he left.
When I was invited to his wedding to the OW I just said 'No thanks. No point in going to a wedding when you wish nothing but a future of suffering and misery for the bride.' The idea I could stand at their wedding drinking a toast to their happiness was lunacy.
I know we are supposed to forgive and forget, moved on with our lives, blah blah. But some things are just so despicable that it's not possible. Don't go. Don't feel bad about not going. Be true to yourself and how you feel.

Longdistance · 15/11/2015 23:09

Right.

My Dh was in a similar sinario to you. His fm met a chap and left his dad. Although Dh was older at this point, he had the same resentment as you.

His mum and dad were together for over 30 years. Home and dry you'd think? No, his mum had other ideas.

She'd been 'friends' with her work colleague for a few years.

Dh avoided her, and him like the plague. So did his sisters. I was an outsider, but could see how happy they were, so pointed this out to Dh. I said it was his mothers choice. He knew the history of his dps marriage (married young, and mil was pg with sil at a young age, pre marriage in the 60's), so after going through the story he realised why his mum was with this other chap.

In the end, he accepted it, and so did his sisters. We went to their wedding and see them quite regularly now.

Helloitsme15 · 15/11/2015 23:23

It isn't just about the fact they left for a new partner, its the lying for years, the atrocious behaviour and the damage they leave behind for other people to deal with. I am sure that some people do this with more kindness and consideration for others, but my experience was like a car crash. That's why I have never been able to forgive.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/11/2015 03:37

Leaving a 15-year-old to be his dad's carer, telling her son's girlfriend (also 15?) to tell son, not talking to son for two years, not seeing her grandson because her partner told her not to, sporadic contact with son even now at up to three months intervals, not telling son she was getting married but leaving him to find out through others, dismissing son's feelings of ambivalence on attending her wedding as stupid.

This is not a nice woman.

You don't have a nurturing/normal mother-son relationship with her, and that is not your fault. She doesn't get to fuck your adolescent life up and then make demands on your adult self. She doesn't have that right. She damaged the relationship between you, and she seems to lack the emotional intelligence to see the harm she has caused to you, or to want to repair it.

I do agree with others that counselling could be good for you. You do need to emotionally move on from this trauma, and that is not an easy thing to do without a little help. If you had a broken leg you'd go to A&E and have it set. Well, she broke your faith in people, and it's still a little broken. You deserve to have that looked at by someone who could help you to mend.

OP, in your shoes I would decline her graceless 'invitation'. Your wounds are still too raw, you wouldn't be comfortable there, and frankly your relationship with her is not close enough to merit your attendance .

Best wishes for your future.

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