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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mum getting married - aibu

96 replies

scarredforlife · 15/11/2015 16:43

My mum had an affair, with a guy who was also married. I was 15 when she left my dad, it has left unimaginable scars.
10 years on she is marrying the man next years

I have never spoken to this guy, never met him and frankly I never want to. He ruined my mum and dads marriage.
I don't want to go but she thinks I'm being stupid.

The sad thing is, EVERYONE knew before me! She told my girlfriend before me! So that my girlfriend could do her dirty work!

OP posts:

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:22

She needs to acknowledge what she did to you.

Wolpertinger · 15/11/2015 17:23

Just because you never saw your parents argue, it doesn't mean they were happy. You were a child, you couldn't have known what was really going on.

And now both of them are happy with other people - which is lovely. It does sound like they weren't right for each other but have proved that doesn't mean you can't be right for someone else.

Your mum and dad are never going to stay together. They haven't been together in a very long time but that doesn't mean you don't have a strong and positive family - it's just not the one you started out with.

Marriage is a risk. Vows are just words really - we mean them when we say them but honestly we marry for as long as both parties wish to continue being married, regardless of what vows you say on one day. Lots of marriages do break down but it doesn't stop us getting married again or looking for new loves - the human race is ever hopeful

But if after 10 years you still think in terms of them 'staying together' and worrying about trusting your GF enough to marry her, I think you need to talk to someone about this. It will help your relationship with your GF, your mum and most importantly yourself hugely.

Trills · 15/11/2015 17:24

If you want to have a relationship with your mum, it'll be a lot harder if you refuse to ever meet him.

At the wedding might not be the best time to do this, but you should think about doing it sometime.

You were 15 when your parents split up, but you are not any more.

From the information we have here, you sounds as if you still have a very immature idea of relationships.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:25

Not sure whether anyone else is getting the OP here.

Her mother (I think im right in saying this) walked out on her!

She left the OP at a vulnerable age to be with this man.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/11/2015 17:25

she won't come and see my son because that man tells her not to. He always says "if your son won't speak to me, I won't speak to his son

She's a cunt and so is her OM.

Your son is better off for having nothing to do with either of them.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:27

For a mother to walk out on a child is the worst thing that could happen to them.

Why on earth are people telling her to get over it?

Wolpertinger · 15/11/2015 17:29

Sounds like the OP is a man. I have no doubt what his mum did was awful, and that she hasn't covered herself in glory since by refusing to admit what really happened. I suspect she never will - human beings have a great capacity for rewriting their memories to show them in a better light - and waiting for her to do so will only keep the bitterness alive.

OP I don't think you and your mum are necessarily going to be best mates again, not that she will be a great emotional support to you, or the mum that you truly deserve, but you could be able to move the relationship to somewhere better than it is now. And you have a huge wound that is just as raw as 10 years ago. That isn't right and you need to do some healing.

vic1981 · 15/11/2015 17:29

Agree Pinotblush. Glad it is not just me!

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:34

why would the OP sound like a man Wolpert? Very weird comment.

for a mother to walk out on a child is the worst thing that could ever happen to them.

it is not something you "get over".

you learn to deal with your hurt and anger over time, a very very long time, if you ever do.

schokolade · 15/11/2015 17:35

Another one with personal experience saying that you never get over it. You try, and you do move on to a point. But of course the scars stay.

Sorry OP. I wouldn't go. You will have to deal with people saying you should have moved on. Like this thread. Still easier than having to watch her wedding fiasco.

WyrdByrd · 15/11/2015 17:36

because she won't come and see my son because that man tells her not to. He always says "if your son won't speak to me, I won't speak to his son"

I think I must have X-posted and missed that.

Now that would make me really angry and I would find that much harder to forgive than the rest of it tbh. She does sound like a very weak person.

I think Wolpers last paragraph is bang on.

ollieplimsoles · 15/11/2015 17:37

Fuck em op- sorry I'm biased though.

She needs to acknowledge was an ass hole she was and the effect it had on her child, no matter how much time has passed.

Don't go to the wedding, she has probably lied to herself all these years and told herself she had good reasons for doing what she did, going to celebrate her marriage validates her feelings that nothing is wrong and all is forgiven.

OM sounds like a twat as well.

SundayGirl86 · 15/11/2015 17:37

She won't come and see my son because that man tells her not to. He always says "if your son won't speak to me, I won't speak to his son

I think the op is a man too, though I don't think it matters either way. There's clearly a lot of hurt still remaining.

SundayGirl86 · 15/11/2015 17:37

Sorry, also X-posted.

MySordidCakeSecret · 15/11/2015 17:40

forget about the wedding you need to see if you can salvage some sort of relationship between you and your mum (also agree counselling may be a good idea)

if you can't work out some sort of relationship then maybe you'd just be happier to go nc and then try and deal with your feelings over what happened.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:40

What you do learn is this was not your fault. It isn't your fault that your mother in this case is selfish and only cares for herself. I had to get to the point where I could thank her for giving me life.

Do what you want, don't do what she wants.

lunar1 · 15/11/2015 17:41

I wouldn't go, she left you as a child caring for a disabled dad all for her self. Some things are beyond forgiveness.

Wolpertinger · 15/11/2015 17:42

OP sounds like a man because of "if your son won't speak to me, I won't speak to his son"

The family tree then only works if OP is a man with a GF, not a woman in a samesex relationship.

I don't think you get over it either. I also don't think OP's mum sounds v nice. I think he is grieving for the family life he should have had but didn't and the actions of the adults around him haven't helped make this any easier at all. But I do think you can move to somewhere where it doesn't feel everyday like it ruined your life.

Iggi999 · 15/11/2015 17:49

I do know though, my dad and dad rarely had an argument, or a bad word said to each other. He was distraught when she left, if it was his fault then he wouldn't have been
This is why some posters think you may be a bit immature wrt relationships OP. Of course someone can be upset when something ended, yet not have been bothered when it was around.
None of us know, and you don't either.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/11/2015 17:51

Wolpertinger
"You don't know what happened in your mum and dad's marriage. Yes your mum having an affair is shit but you have no idea what role your dad played."

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

ThirdThoughts · 15/11/2015 17:52

If you don't want to go to their wedding then you don't need to go.

But it really would be good to talk to a counsellor about how your were affected by what happened and see if you can begin to heal from that pain and get to a place where you able to separate what your mum did to your dad, what she did to you, and how you feel about your current and future relationship/s.

Suggesting that you might find counselling beneficial is not quite the same as telling you to "just get over it". It must have been deeply painful to have felt rejected by your mother and watch your father suffer. Of course it is difficult to move forward, and if after 10 years you have been unable to then you may well benefit from professional help.

You don't have to pretend that you were never hurt, that you don't hurt now, agree with what she did, like her OM, or go to the wedding. It's okay.

summerainbow · 15/11/2015 17:54

people are telling the OP to get over it.
because OP is coming across as 15 year child where as in fact they are 25 year parent. If they don't get help they are damaging their own child and their own. relationship.

you can't change people but only your reactions to them.
move on . your parents don't want to be together.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:55

Apologies Wolpert!

whether the OP is a man or a woman the same hurt applies.

no, I never got over being left by my mother, it's something you learn to live with. it does colour your life. it does have a massive bearing.

my mother died a couple of years ago asking for forgiveness. i forgave. whilst she was alive i couldnt.

it didnt ruin my everyday life though, i have a wonderful relationship with my son and made sure i did because of this.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 17:57

In my case you are wrong summer. I made sure I parented my child better then my mother parented me.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/11/2015 17:57

Agree with Pinot.
OP get some therapy, cut her off and move on with your life. You deserve better (and so does your Dad - be happy for him)

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