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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH ex

125 replies

florencerusty · 17/10/2015 09:57

Would it be beyond the realms of possibly for the bloody mother and stepfather of ss to do one bloody trip once in a while to either drop him off or collect him. It's 100 miles each way and they moved away rather than DH. SS is early teen so cant travel alone. DH left for work at 5.30 yesterday morning and didnt get home until gone 9 last night. This for a day and a half of access! Oh and come tomorrow he will do another 4 hours on the road taking him home. I mean meet half way ffs.

Before I get slated I have been a SP a long time and this is the most unreasonable ex I have ever come across.
Bang goes any sort of family weekend.

OP posts:
YakTriangle · 17/10/2015 10:01

It would be much fairer to either take it in turns to do the trips or for his Mum or SD to bring him half way and his Dad to collect him from a midway point to bring him the rest of the way, especially considering they moved and not you. But I daresay other people will say that his Dad isn't making enough effort to see him, or should move closer to him, that's usually how these threads go.

wannabestressfree · 17/10/2015 10:02

We do 50/50. She needs to be doing more even if its halfway.

DaemonPantalaemon · 17/10/2015 10:04

Before I get slated I have been a SP a long time and this is the most unreasonable ex I have ever come across.

Goodness me. This sentence makes it sound like you have had quite a career of being a step-parent to successive children and dealt with a number of exes :)

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/10/2015 10:04

SS is early teen so cant travel alone

Why?

Original poster
florencerusty · 17/10/2015 10:10

SS is early teen so cant travel alone

Why?

Not streetwise and apparently under age for non chaperoned rail/coach travel!

Goodness me. This sentence makes it sound like you have had quite a career of being a step-parent to successive children and dealt with a number of exes smile

Yes I sort of re read it like that too. No but I had SC in my previous marriage and she (XW) was odd but not unreasonable!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 17/10/2015 10:14

bloody mother

So you like her then?!

Original poster
florencerusty · 17/10/2015 10:16

*bloody mother

So you like her then?!*

Aside from this issue I have no feelings either way tbh

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 17/10/2015 10:41

Totally unreasonable if one parent moves away, expecting the other parent to facilitate all contact in transport terms. YANBU.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/10/2015 10:56

I think the NRP should do the traveling mainly because they can get a reduction on CM to account for contact related travel if they apply for it but the RP cannot get theirs increased to reflect contact related travel.

And I know this is old fashioned but unless the NRP is doing their fair share of school runs and all the other stuff that RP's have to do to ferry their kids around then usually they have a better deal meeting the travel req for contact.

Someone who used to be a friend of mine (NRP) is always complaining about contact related travel, she drives dad does not. Dad does all the school runs everything yet she is alway moaning that dad is not willing to bring her on the train despite the fact that due to her demands the child would not arrive at hers until 10pm (she's 4) and dad even has a court order saying she has to do all the traveling. But of course she thinks it's all unfair

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/10/2015 11:03

NeedsAsockamnesty

But in this case the RP moved away.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/10/2015 11:09

Not really relevant if she moved away. He is still the only parent who can obtain some form of financial compensation for travelling as its done via CM it will be to her financial detriment.

sleeponeday · 17/10/2015 11:13

I think the NRP should do the traveling mainly because they can get a reduction on CM to account for contact related travel if they apply for it but the RP cannot get theirs increased to reflect contact related travel.

Hm, didn't know that. TBH not sure I agree it's fair, either - if the NRP moved away, why should the child have less support?

Is time compensated for, or just travel costs?

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/10/2015 11:14

Of course an early teen can go on the train on their own! Hmm I used to travel to stay with friends in Cornwall on my own from age 11. My parents used to put me on the train in Reading and I would be met in Plymouth. DD2 regularly goes from London to Milton Keynes to see friends on her own, and has done since she was 12. Put him on the train and get his mother to collect him from her nearest station. What harm can come to him on a train?

Unreasonablebetty · 17/10/2015 11:14

That's really unfair OP- not sure if it's something that you'll want to do, but whilst in a meeting with a solicitor It was discussed exactly how much travelling a NRP should do to collect children, at the time my ex was doing (or should have been) doing all of the pick ups and drop offs, from the standpoint that he lived in the same town as DD did when she was born and he decided to move 60 miles away. If it was me who moved I would be happy to travel the miles that I had moved away, and this would have been something in mind when I moved.

The solicitor told me Whilst she could understand my reasoning, I risked seeming unfair, and it would appear nicer.
I just feel that if my solicitor pointed out to me that I could do 50% of the travelling there's a good chance that the judge would tell her she needs to do 50% of travel.

sleeponeday · 17/10/2015 11:15

Harm coming to people on trains.

19lottie82 · 17/10/2015 11:17

sleeponeday you're just being hysterical, if you think that article means the OP's DSS shouldn't travel by train, sorry!

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/10/2015 11:18

NeedsAsockamnesty
"Not really relevant if she moved away."

Its relevant as she made a choice that affected other people. I doubt that the NRP could claim something back was even in the thoughts of the RP.

LittleCandle · 17/10/2015 11:26

I put my 9 year old on a train in Edinburgh and she was met at Stonehaven and nobody said a word to her. She had a timetable so she could mark off all the stops in between. She did the same on the return journey. It would probably do the teen good to learn some street smarts by travelling alone. If RP moved away, they should do at least half the travel. Not fair otherwise.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/10/2015 11:30

It's a portion of the travel costs sleep. You apply for it using a variation, or if you have a private arangement then you work it out yourself.boney it does not matter if it was in her thoughts or not, the end result is still the same.

Obviously this is just my opinion and other people will have different ones but unless contact is significant time wise then it would be the RP either doing or facilitating everything involved in day to day care I do not think they should also have to do the running around for contact.

Fairenuff · 17/10/2015 11:32

Why did your dh agree to this arrangement?

sleeponeday · 17/10/2015 11:33

sleeponeday you're just being hysterical, if you think that article means the OP's DSS shouldn't travel by train, sorry!

Nah, it was responding to the "what harm could come to anyone on a train?!" It made me smile. A train is, y'know, part of the world, not a Nirvana. I walked to school alone in London from the age of 8, which I'd not ever allow one of mine to do now, but our attitude to risk is perhaps too far the other way.

Having said that I wouldn't send an 11 year old alone on a train. 13 or 14, and fine. Just teach them to sit in a crowded carriage on the outside seat, so they can always move easily, and that they don't take creepy fuckers creeping on them, but make a fuss. Incremental, sensible risk is part of teaching kids how to be independent adults, after all.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 17/10/2015 11:35

unless contact is significant time wise then it would be the RP either doing or facilitating everything involved in day to day care I do not think they should also have to do the running around for contact.

By moving away, the RP removed the opportunity for support with school runs etc by the NRP; that burden is of her choosing.

zzzzz · 17/10/2015 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeponeday · 17/10/2015 11:37

Just saw that SC is a boy - that would make risk of being creeped upon less, I think, in statistical terms.

As a kid I remember quite a few creepy adults. Perhaps I was unlucky. Perhaps the culture has, thankfully, shifted, too. But learning to deal with that is an important life skill, nonetheless.

Thinking about it, I used to travel from York to the Midlands and back every other weekend at 14, alone, and nobody even knew the exact train I was on. Would walk to the stations and back alone, too. If that's the age we're talking then I do think travel to and fro should be possible independently.

yorkshapudding · 17/10/2015 11:38

If your DH has suggested that they split the driving and she has point blank refused then YANBU, especially as she chose to move away.