To be annoyed with DH ex

[florencerusty]

Would it be beyond the realms of possibly for the bloody mother and stepfather of ss to do one bloody trip once in a while to either drop him off or collect him. It's 100 miles each way and they moved away rather than DH. SS is early teen so cant travel alone. DH left for work at 5.30 yesterday morning and didnt get home until gone 9 last night. This for a day and a half of access! Oh and come tomorrow he will do another 4 hours on the road taking him home. I mean meet half way ffs.

Before I get slated I have been a SP a long time and this is the most unreasonable ex I have ever come across.
Bang goes any sort of family weekend.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

By moving away, the RP removed the opportunity for support with school runs etc by the NRP; that burden is of her choosing

It is usually the contact arangements that do that rather than anything else.

[sleeponeday]

It can sometimes be done largely to thwart contact. Prohibited steps orders have been granted on that basis, on occasion.

In normal circumstances though, people do need to move for very good reasons. But expecting one side to do all the travel, when they weren't the one to move, does seem unfair.

Having said that this is a time-limited arrangement anyway, isn't it? The child is going to be train-able in at least a year or two.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

zzzzz You're joking, I assume?

I know plenty of parents, my ex and I included, who have sacrificed career progression and relationships in order to ensure they remain a day to day part of their DCs lives.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Your right sleep yes it has been, but usually those orders would be decided on a case by case basis and previous conduct would be a large consideration.

It would also not be unusual for the prohibited steps order to be refused if the other parent was willing to facilitate travel.

I know a fair few NRP's who attempted to get the courts to issue prohibited steps orders about moves but failed because the RP suggested a change of contact that in essence increased the NRP's time and made it easier for them to do it but without the RP's having to travel.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

RP is already a day to day part of dc's life.

Oh well that's alright then. Foolishly, I've been under the misapprehension that having two involved parents is in the DCs best interests.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

South I think you are misunderstanding zzzzz's comments, unless I am wrong she's not saying or implying in any way that the NRP is not a part of the childs life.

Being a part of a childs life and being the primary carer are two different things.

The vast majority of the seperated parents I come across (professionally) live in different areas and not one of the RP's had any real choice as to moving away or not it was beyond their control.

[m1nniedriver]

It is never right IMO for a RP to move children away, and interfere with contact, from an involved parent.

[m1nniedriver]

I should say, without the support of said parent. DPs ex has threatened this several times. His response is she is more than welcome to go, I believe he offered to help her financially with that at 1 point, but she isn't taking his children with her she hasn't pulled that card for quite a while now!

[m1nniedriver]

OP YANBU. She chose, for whatever reason, to move away from him with his children. She should facilitate contact, I'm surprised he allowed it, in this situation solicitors will often ensure the parent that is moving the children has to ensure contact is maintained.

[honeyroar]

I think a RP is pretty selfish if they move away and don't give a jot how difficult it is for the NRP to maintain contact. I have a few friends like that and they went down in my estimation when they did it. One moved 300 miles and married a rich man, yet expected her ex to come down and stay in a hotel if he wanted to see them. Her ex was on minimum wage. She'd just say it's not my problem! My husband's ex can pull pretty selfish stunts now and again, but she did at least meet us half way when it comes to visits. She'd bring him over, we'd bring him home. She knows that he loves his dad and needs to see him.

[Thesearegoodtimes]

It's not as cut and dried as saying that whoever moves should do all the travelling, or that it's selfish. I moved. And had very good reasons to - I needed to provide for and house dd and wasn't going to be able to do so by staying put. I was her sole provider, xh has never paid maintenance. Those reasons were how I came to the decision that it wasn't unreasonable for xh to collect her and drop her off. He sees it that I moved therefore I'm responsible for all the journeys, and has sacrificed his relationship with dd by sticking to his guns over it.

The daft thing is, he is seeing so much less of dd now that the maintenance payments have gone up. The amount it's gone up would cover the cost of the travelling, and he doesn't work so it isn't about the time. He's just being a dick about contact.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

OP YANBU. She chose, for whatever reason, to move away from him with his children. She should facilitate contact, I'm surprised he allowed it, in this situation solicitors will often ensure the parent that is moving the children has to ensure contact is maintained

A solicitor has no power to ensure anything, they are employed mouth pieces whose job is to follow the instructions of their client where those instructions are within the law.

A judge has the power to do so, a solicitor just presents the request and a hopefully decent arguement to support it.

An order preventing a move or making the RP do all the traveling IME has more chance of being refused than not unless the other party does not argue it,has a proven contact blocking record/ is obviously attempting to hinder like refusing to budge on rearranging say 1 ON each week being rearranged to more time less frequently or the NRP has some seriously extenuating circumstances that hinder travel that cannot be reasonably overcome.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

Both these parents ARE involved they just live in different cities

Which significantly limits the opportunities for the NRP to 'be involved', doesn't it?

It's not the same as one parent in a nuclear family working away - unless the RP keeps in touch and sends pictures of the DCs in their nativity costumes, keeps up a running text commentary when they play in their first football match and Skypes when they get a celebration award at school. it is inevitable that the child is robbed of the chance to share those moments with their NRP in person.

Do you know how many DCs have never seen their NRP dressed for work? The DC is excluded from whole chunks of their parents life. Why on earth would anyone choose to do that to a child?

[LunchpackOfNotreDame]

Are you my ex's other half? She has the right arse ache about contact and kicks off about doing the drive each time - only for us it was them that chose to move away.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

lunchpack how would you feel if you had to do the driving?

[LunchpackOfNotreDame]

I usually offer to meet half way where I have family and we mix it up with a visit. They still get a right cob on though.

The way I see it they want to spend time with dc, they chose to move, they do the driving. As it is my dc is of the opinion their father is a control freak and is making excuses up not to go. Its quite sad to see tbh that at that age they've got jaded about their own father already.

[lunar1]

This pisses me off more than anything else on mumsnet, the person that moved should be court ordered to do all the traveling at their own expense.

It's a fucking disgrace that they have been able to do this. But then I also think it's cruel to make children have to spend so much of their life traveling.

I am sure I will be flamed for this but the mum should have put her child first and not been able to move him so far away.

[MascaraAndConverse]

Lunchpack Well if it's her doing the driving then I don't blame her for having the arse ache about it tbh. You say "they" as if it is a joint responsibility.

[LunchpackOfNotreDame]

Well she married him.

The way I see it she has as much responsibility as my husband for dc. Step parenting comes with shit stuff as well as fun stuff

[goawayalready]

there might have been an unselfish reason behind the move we dont know why we just have a small snapshot into a life and personally i feel if he is only allowed 1 1/2 hours of contact anyway and she is aggressive about doing any travel there might be more to this than meet the eye

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

zzzzz - as I highlighted, in a nuclear family, the primary carer goes out of their way to keep the absent parent involved.
But it's inevitable that even in nuclear families, DCs miss out if one parent works away.
That's why schools are provided with extra funds for DCs with a parent in the forces.