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AIBU?

To be annoyed with DH ex

125 replies

florencerusty · 17/10/2015 09:57

Would it be beyond the realms of possibly for the bloody mother and stepfather of ss to do one bloody trip once in a while to either drop him off or collect him. It's 100 miles each way and they moved away rather than DH. SS is early teen so cant travel alone. DH left for work at 5.30 yesterday morning and didnt get home until gone 9 last night. This for a day and a half of access! Oh and come tomorrow he will do another 4 hours on the road taking him home. I mean meet half way ffs.

Before I get slated I have been a SP a long time and this is the most unreasonable ex I have ever come across.
Bang goes any sort of family weekend.

OP posts:

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MascaraAndConverse · 17/10/2015 15:52

No. If I refused to take your child to a party because my DH is at work you'd go ape shit at me .

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 17/10/2015 15:52

No. I'd suggest changing contact weeks.

CremeEggThief · 17/10/2015 15:56

YANBU, because they moved away. My XH moved away, so now has to travel from London to the North East every other weekend.

Oswin · 17/10/2015 15:57

Mascara your being very odd, your saying this stuff about lunchpack with no reason. There's absolutely nothing in her posts to suggest she would go "ape shit".
It seems your trying to paint lunchpack as a mean bitter ex. Its really weird.

m1nniedriver · 17/10/2015 16:02

Lunch pack has painted herself as just that without help from anyone!

Oswin · 17/10/2015 16:05

Where? If I've missed something that paints her as a bitter mean ex I will concede you are right, so far I've seen someone who seems laid back about it all .

MascaraAndConverse · 17/10/2015 16:09

Nah I think she'd be quite vocal about her feelings if her children's SM didn't want to do the running around. After all, she did marry the father and therefore she would be "shirking her responsibilities" wouldn't she?
And i think it's just laughable this logic that the children shouldn't have to talk to their SM because she doesn't want to run them from A to B. What utter tosh.

Thesearegoodtimes · 17/10/2015 16:12

Lunchpack hasn't come across as bitter at all!

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 17/10/2015 16:13

If no one from their house collected my dc it would be an extra weekend for me. Why on earth would I kick off about that?

m1nniedriver · 17/10/2015 16:24

I didn't say she has as much as me and my ex. I said as my husband. Who is dc's other step parent. In my case the stepmum wants responsibility for all the fun stuff (concerts and the like) but none of the shit stuff (contact runs, taking to parties etc)

Its entirely her prerogative what she takes responsibility for. Not up to the mother to dictate. Her problem is with the father but her anger/jealousy is directed at the SM because she gets all the fun stuff.

sofato5miles · 17/10/2015 16:25

Lunch pack has been entirely reasonable! If you marry and have SDC, then they become part of your family, NRP or not.

A man who said a pugnacious; "your kids, your choice" over car journey wouldn't even touch the floor as I kicked him into touch. If you want to think like a single, stay single.

m1nniedriver · 17/10/2015 16:35

Sofa, does that include making decisions about the children's upbringing or is there a set of rules your children's SM should follow? She has responsibility for my children, but only as much as I decide and indeed when i decide. I'm pretty sure DPs ex would go bat shit crazy if I, for example, booked them into an activity, took them for a haircut, if we decided to give them a day off school etc. obviously I would never do any of that

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 17/10/2015 16:37

minnie most of those things are joint decisions though, especially taking the child out of school. Haircuts, ask the child if they're old enough. If you took mine I'd thank you!

Oswin · 17/10/2015 16:41

I cut dds hair myself if someone else wants to pay for a haircut id be well happy

SouthAmericanCuisine · 17/10/2015 16:47

If no one from their house collected my dc it would be an extra weekend for me. Why on earth would I kick off about that?

Well, given that contact and residency is for the benefit of DCs, not their parents, you'd kind of think you'd be a bit pissed off on their behalf that contact with their dad had broken down at the last minute.
However, being pissed off at a flaky ex is one thing; expecting a stepparent to fill the gap, quite another.

I appreciate that every family is different, but I would never expect my DH to have any responsibility for my DD just because he married me. I have never assumed that He'll be here to let her in after school, never made arrangements to be away overnight and leave her in his care, never expected him to "cover" for me as a parent in any way. My ex, on the other hand, sees his DW, his DM and his DSis as interchangeable with me in DDs life.
Coparenting with him has been very hard.

m1nniedriver · 17/10/2015 16:48

I get on okay with DPs ex now. When I say okay, we never speak and have as little to do with each other as possible, it works! Even she is all her controlling awesomeness never, to my knowledge, expected me to pick up, drop off or indeed do anything for the children. Of course I did, and still do but certainly not because she expects it or DP for that matter. I suspect that's why that side of things has never been an issue, because it was never dictated, I was always asked.

The way she treats DP is a whole other ball game but that's for another thread!

m1nniedriver · 17/10/2015 16:52

So yeah, if I was the OP I would feel the same as she does! If they moved they should take some of the responsibility to facilitate contact. I would say the same if it was the NRP who moved.

sofato5miles · 17/10/2015 17:02

I don't have SDC but I have step parents. When I was young they were both my families, though my mother was RP. Both my step parents treated me well and did their fair bit of ferrying me about. They are now, very much, loving grand parents to my DC.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/10/2015 19:00

When you look at threads like this (and others) you have to question why any sane person would be a step parent.

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 17/10/2015 19:42

south my take is if they want to maintain contact then brilliant. If they are not able to, between them, facilitate contact I will work with them on swapping weekends so dc don't miss out because, as you say, contact is for them not us.

zeezeek · 17/10/2015 20:44

Lunch - I think I kind of get where you are. I am a step-mother and have taken an increasing amount of interest in my DSC the longer I've been married to their father. I have often picked up (then) stroppy teenagers from airports (due to the fact that they lived in a different country to their father) because if I hadn't, and DH couldn't, then it wasn't fair to allow make them find their way across a strange country. I didn't see it as a favour or anything: I married their father, I knew he had kids, therefore it was partly my responsibility to ensure they arrived at our place safe, sound and happy. To most normal human beings this is not a problem.

I'm lucky in that I have an exceptionally good relationship with my DH's ex-W (less so with his ex-DP but that's not relevant) and between us we all managed to raise some pretty damn awesome kids. It's hard being a step-mother, hard being a single mother and even harder being a single mother whose ex is in a different country. SUrely the thing is to make sure that all adults make it easy for the children and give them an easy life?

SouthAmericanCuisine · 17/10/2015 21:18

my take is if they want to maintain contact then brilliant. If they are not able to, between them, facilitate contact I will work with them

lunchpack as I said before, the equality with which you refer to your DCs stepmum is extraordinary, imo.

My DD is 50:50 between her dad and I, yet I cannot ever imagine a time when I would consider her stepmum to be responsible for, or a beneficiary of, contact with her.
I'm acutely aware that she had the misfortune to fall in love with, and marry, a man who has a child from a former relationship. I want to minimise the impact that DD has on her life, not place expectations on her.

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scarlets · 17/10/2015 21:33

He will be able to get on a train/bus unsupervised soon. I'm surprised he can't already, tbh, and wonder if it's the mother being awkward rather than transport companies' unlikely rules.

Also, at 13/14 he's likely to want to limit the number of weekend visits anyway, because of social stuff with friends at home. Priorities change. I'm noticing it now, with friends of my DC who have divorced parents.

Oswin · 17/10/2015 21:58

Bloody hell south, your world view is so odd and rigid.
Misfortune. Fucking hell. Hope your dd never hears you say that. You know your always talking about the stress rps put there children through when in conflict with the other parent, your the complete opposite yet still have the ability to harm your dd, would you have her back if the stepmother was horrid to her?
Or would you just suck it up because being a step mother is so awful.
You know I'm so fucking glad my mother isn't like you. I suspect if she was my four half brothers and sister wouldn't be as close as we are now.
She did consider herself responsible for her stepsons because she willingly chose to have a blended family, and family all pitch in with responsibility's.

m1nniedriver · 17/10/2015 22:20

Oswin, the point is having/willingly taking responsibility as a step parent is one thing. Having the SCs parents expect you to do what they ask because they are the oarents is a different matter. If more RPs had souths attitude I suspect the SP board would be a lot quieter!

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