Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To wonder why DP's ex is doing this?

99 replies

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 10:49

DP's ex has been funny with him since the last time he saw his ds last week, yesterday she sent him a huge long essay text telling him that she will be seeing a solicitor and getting his contact arrangements drawn up in writing and will be applying to the cma to get his payments formalised.

That would all be fair enough except that DP always pays her all the money they have mutually agreed to every single time and sees their ds every other week, also as mutually agreed between them. The money and contact situation has not changed so I'm confused why the mildly threatening text and the sudden need to see a solicitor and 'formalise' everything when their current arrangement has been working fine for the past 2 years.

The only thing that has changed is that he started a new job recently that is paid monthly instead of weekly and contacted her to notify her that the payments would be changing from weekly to monthly. Same amount. He also had to notify her that the dates he had ds would need to change slightly as he now does shift work. She knows this and yet is, in my opinion, being slightly u in that she expects him to be able to get the exact same shifts every week. She does shift work too so she she know it doesn't always work that way! Aibu to be confused about her sudden shift in attitude?

OP posts:

Cherryblossomsinspring · 04/09/2015 10:55

She's probably had a chat with someone who has riled her up and/or feels he is beginning to dictate too much with the recent changes. I'd try to communicate carefully with her and reassure her (your partner, not you) that he is cooperating with her and it's a discussion, not a demand. If they can work it out amicably rather than getting g solicitors involved that would be best for all 3 if them.

morecoffeethanhuman · 04/09/2015 10:56

Does she plan her shifts round ds though? - if ur partner has him the same times fortnightly for the last 2years then I'm guessing that incorporates into the exs plans. Maybe she's just pissed that she's gotta change the schedule now.

SaucyJack · 04/09/2015 10:57

So both the payment and contact arrangements have changed recently (at his behest) and you can't understand why she might want to go to court to formalize the new arrangements?

Ooookaaaay.

Lucked · 04/09/2015 10:57

Well she won't know for sure now what he is earning now he has a new job so the csa can formalise that. Also how will the change in hours affect her if contact days are changed. Maybe she can't do those days due to her work, this has all been sprung on her so she is on the back foot and wants to avoid this in the future.

BertPuttocks · 04/09/2015 10:59

Your dp is changing the payment arrangements and wants to change the dates he has his ds. The ex presumably wants a more formal arrangement drawn up in case there are likely to be any future changes.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me.

It's not your dp's fault that things need to be different, but equally the ex needs to have stability for herself and ds (financial and contact arrangements).

capricalia · 04/09/2015 11:13

hmm I'd be a bit pissed off too if I was expected to suddenly change all my arrangements and do the merry dance at ex's behalf. She does have her own work/childcare to rearrange now (possibly direct debits and standing orders too with change of payments involved), how come his trumps hers?

I can't see anything wrong with her wanting to get it formalised.

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 11:20

Saucy, he hasn't changed it because he feels like it, he's changed it because he has no choice, he now gets paid monthly instead of weekly.

He was self employed before this job and she had no idea exactly how much he was earning then either and it never bothered her before.

He only wants to change the dates for the first 2 weeks of the job as he was needed to cover someone else on holiday but after that the days should go back to normal.

He shifts are not a problem as she has her mum as a full time live in babysitter so it would make no difference to her work.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 04/09/2015 11:27

The money and contact situation has not changed so I'm confused why the mildly threatening text and the sudden need to see a solicitor and 'formalise' everything when their current arrangement has been working fine for the past 2 years.

Erm, both things have changed . Presumably if he had their DS at the same time every other week, she scheduled her work/social life around it. She won't be able to do that now. He's changing the terms and just expects her to accept it, even though it clearly doesn't suit her. I'd be doing the same in her situation.

MsVestibule · 04/09/2015 11:28

Cross posted! Has he asked her why she feels she needs to do this now?

Chasingsquirrels · 04/09/2015 11:31

So is he going to pay her the month in advance or leave her suddenly with no CM for 3 or 4 weeks? If it's the later then, regardless of why, I can see why she would be pissed off.

Likewise with contact, they have set arrangements which he has suddenly, with it appears v little notice, informed her has to change. His contact time - his childcare responsibility.

A chat to sort things out might be better than legal avenues, but given he has just informed her of these changes maybe she doesn't think that would get them anywhere.

AyeAmarok · 04/09/2015 11:34

OP, you are being unreasonable.

The fact her mum lives there is neither here nor there. The fact is that she needs to be able to plan in advance and your DP fucking about with dates means she can't do that, and it isn't fair.

Your DP has taken this job with no consideration as to how it effects his contact arrangements and you can't do that as a parent.

Why the worry about formalising it? Will be better for all parties to know where they stand.

RealityCheque · 04/09/2015 11:34

YABU

Your partner should have refused to change shift to cover a holiday. He had other important immovable plans.

Additionally, he could have continued to pay weekly and then his ex would not even know he changed jobs.

I suspect you both know that he has been paying much less than he will be going forward once the CMS are involved.

morecoffeethanhuman · 04/09/2015 11:37

Maybe because you think as her mum lives there ur DP changing shifts isn't a problem....comments like this really annoy me! Firstly unless ur privy to the exact arrangements/plans/conversations between the x and HER mum then u wouldn't know what is or isn't a problem! HER mum is helping HER out... I'm pretty sure her mum wouldn't want To be changing any of her own plans for ur DP either. Most likely she will to save her daughter stress but that doesn't mean its a non issue!
Especially as it seems now its not even going to change for his own shift - but covering? So he's either choosing to cover or he has no choice which would imply that it will happen whenever cover is needed?!
id be pissed off too tbh and I think if u read ur posts back objectively its pretty obvious why ur DP's ex is wanting formal arrangements.

LadySheherazade · 04/09/2015 12:14

Just because he hasn't changed it because he feels like it, it doesn't mean it hasn't fucked up her plans.

YABU. Both things have changed, it doesn't alter anything for you but for her and his child it does.

Oldraver · 04/09/2015 12:54

Just ignore her...if he needs to answer a 'yes that is fine with me' would suffice.

Yes she is probably a little miffed he has changed things slightly and is having a hissy fit.

While schedules and such are a good thing they should be some room for movement...life doesn't always stay the same

LockedBox · 04/09/2015 12:59

How bizarre.

I can't even see a) why you're interested and b) why he's bothered.

When everything is formalised WRT access agreements and maintenance then everyone is happy and knows where they stand. Why anyone would be threatened by this is beyond me....

googoodolly · 04/09/2015 13:02

But things have changed - both his pay arrangements and his contact arrangements!

Presumably she fits her life around DS's contact with his dad and is a bit pissed off that it's now changed and she has no choice but to deal with it (possibly by re-arranging childcare/hobbies etc). I don't blame her for wanting a formalised arrangement - it's easier on all concerned and it doesn't mean he can't have DS more if he wants, it just means there are set times/days arranged by a solicitor.

HazleNutt · 04/09/2015 13:10

he hasn't changed it because he feels like it, he's changed it because he has no choice, he now gets paid monthly instead of weekly. - What do you mean by has no choice? If they have agreed that he has to pay her x amount weekly, he can keep doing so, no matter how often he gets paid. Why not? It's not required to go out and spend all the money every payday.

Lonecatwithkitten · 04/09/2015 13:18

I would she is upset because he presented a fait accompli. It would have been better if he had asked her if they could discuss things as he had a new job and his schedule and payment dates would be changing. There could have been a discussion which would probably have lead to the same outcome, but by mutual agreement.

Rebecca2014 · 04/09/2015 13:22

Why are you even posting this on here? this is an issue between THEM. She lives with her mother but her mother may not be willing to babysit her child while she works. You say "well he works shifts!! what can he do?" She works shifts too, tough luck they are going have work something out that makes childcare FAIR between them.

Shocked your so bothered about this. It is none of your business!!

alltouchedout · 04/09/2015 13:25

The only reason to find formalisation of the child maintenance and contact threatening would be if he wasn't planning to stick to it. Sine you say he does stick to agreements there's nothing t be threatened by in having it formalised.
Did he not consider the impact on his responsibilities as a parent of his job change?

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 13:54

Well obviously, alltouched, but him getting the job he got was based on him being able to cover the holiday as they had already been let down by someone else. We live in an area with high unemployment and there are not that many jobs to go around so if he was choosy about what days he could cover they would not have offered him the job. It sucks, and it does affect me too, but that's the price he had to pay to be able to earn a wage and be able to pay for his son.

He already pays more than the minimum suggested amount, so going through the cma would make no difference really - despite his job now paying less he will be paying the same amount to her so I guess that's why I wondered why the necessity to do this now but it's her prerogative I guess.

She works part time early mornings and so her mum does all the childcare whether it is DP's weekend or not, when he picks his ds up it is from her mum so it doesn't really make a difference. Her mother babysits whenever she needs her to, including an expensive 2 week holiday she went on earlier this year so childcare really isn't an issue for her.

DP would have arranged to pay her weekly but his last job ended with 2 days notice and his boss had not paid him for a few weeks so for a few weeks he was continuing to pay maintainance without getting any wages and now he can't afford to pay her any more until he gets paid from the new job.

When she told him about the solicitor it was in a threatening tone, I can't really explain it but it just sounded odd considering the circumstances. DP had already asked work if he could have alternate weekends off to accomodate his contact times (after the holiday cover), then she messaged him saying she wanted to change his contact days to really weird days and times like (for example), Wednesday evenings and half of Saturday's. It's just the way she's gone about it seems strange :/

OP posts:

sashh · 04/09/2015 14:05

Do you think her rent/mortgage will be OK with her not paying them? Will your partner's child survive without food?

Does she work morning or shifts? You have said both.

The bottom line is your partner ans his ex have a child. They both need to support and parent that child regardless of shifts/new jobs/changes to pay/anything else.

As one isn't doing this the other is going to court and I completely understand why.

Are you planning or do you have children with this man?

SaucyJack · 04/09/2015 14:08

Was that the holiday where she wanted her son to stay with his father, but your ex refused to have him?

Look. You've started a few threads about her now, and the general consensus is that she's a sane, normal person.

I think you may need to accept that your issue with her is exactly that; your issue. I do sympathise btw- I'm the jealous type meself. But, y'know.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/09/2015 14:12

Is she thinking you and he are getting married? Has there been discussion of this that her DS might have heard?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread