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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why DP's ex is doing this?

99 replies

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 10:49

DP's ex has been funny with him since the last time he saw his ds last week, yesterday she sent him a huge long essay text telling him that she will be seeing a solicitor and getting his contact arrangements drawn up in writing and will be applying to the cma to get his payments formalised.

That would all be fair enough except that DP always pays her all the money they have mutually agreed to every single time and sees their ds every other week, also as mutually agreed between them. The money and contact situation has not changed so I'm confused why the mildly threatening text and the sudden need to see a solicitor and 'formalise' everything when their current arrangement has been working fine for the past 2 years.

The only thing that has changed is that he started a new job recently that is paid monthly instead of weekly and contacted her to notify her that the payments would be changing from weekly to monthly. Same amount. He also had to notify her that the dates he had ds would need to change slightly as he now does shift work. She knows this and yet is, in my opinion, being slightly u in that she expects him to be able to get the exact same shifts every week. She does shift work too so she she know it doesn't always work that way! Aibu to be confused about her sudden shift in attitude?

OP posts:

definiteissues · 04/09/2015 20:08

Yes,but surely just because it has changed in the nrp's life doesn't mean the rp needs to pick up the slack because nrp can't be bothered to sort 2 weeks of childcare?

Reubs15 · 04/09/2015 20:10

I just dont understand what their child has to do with you really? They need to communicate better but tbh that shouldn't concern you as it isn't your problem.
I can see why his ex wants something formal if he's changing things tbh. It's not nice to be messed around etc.
If I were you I wouldn't waste my energy getting worked up about it. Just stay out of it really.

Andrewofgg · 04/09/2015 20:10

It depends on how much notice he had. And on whether the OP would be satisfied with whatever arrangements for childcare he made.

Reubs15 · 04/09/2015 20:12

Also, on his contact days he is responsible for his son. If he can't make it he should be arranging childcare.

Andrewofgg · 04/09/2015 20:12

Reubs15 Do not CMEC charge a fat commission which will affect the OP's household income? That makes it her concern too.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 20:13

I stand by what I said: not every change in an NRP's working arrangement is a deliberate ploy to mess up the RP's life.

you didnt say that!

Andrewofgg · 04/09/2015 20:17

No, that's what I said put differently!

Reubs15 · 04/09/2015 20:18

I don't think it takes money off her does it?

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 20:20

No, that's what I said put differently!

scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2015 20:24

No it doesn't depend on how much notice he had Andrewofgg. If he was RP he'd have to sort out childcare regardless of how much notice he was given. Why should that change because he's NRP? He still has childcare responsibilities.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/09/2015 20:24

Surly, he couldn't check with his ex if it was ok before accepting the job

No but he could check she was able to cover the time that was his responsibility rather than just telling her.

He could have aranged childcare for that time.

He could have discussed and reached an agreement with her about the changes rather than just telling her.

He could have put the CM money aside and still paid it weekly.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/09/2015 20:36

The CMS charges the requesting parent a assesment fee but only charges a % of payments if they collect them, direct payments don't have a commission charge

Reubs15 · 04/09/2015 21:08

It won't affect the op then

amarmai · 04/09/2015 22:19

The ex might have posted on mn and said her exh is changing the hours he has their son and she cannot arrange babysitting to suit his shift work . He has to commit to a regular schedule and arrange babysitting himself. Also he is short changing her by 4000 + as he is going to pay monthly maintenance instead of weekly. Plus the woman he is living with is causing tension and worry and drama and she should MHOB and leave it to them to sort out. MN overwhelmingly recommended that she see a solicitor and get it down in black and white.

missymayhemsmum · 04/09/2015 22:53

If your DH takes equal responsibility for his kids then he should have checked the impact on any arrangments before taking the job, and have checked with his ex that wasn't a problem. He didn't, he mucked her about and she has had to deal with it, which she is justifiably pissed off about.

As a doting stepmother and supportive partner you could have avoided this by offering to support your DP over the transition by offering to babysit and covering bills so your DP didn't have to mess his ex about. She also has shifts to work and bills to pay. You chose not to do this. YABU, sorry

iamanintrovert · 05/09/2015 06:14

You lot are crazy! I can't see that your DP has done anything wrong OP :)

PingpongDingDong · 05/09/2015 06:58

I think this is silly. The nrp has changed jobs. He hasn't done anything manipulative or malicious. You work together like adults to sort it out. The same thing could happen to the rp, people change jobs all the time. It's a hassle and the change may cause some temporary inconvenience but it's not worthy of a stroppy text.

PingpongDingDong · 05/09/2015 07:00

The working together as adults includes talking about ways in which you can all ease this transition until things have settled.

Atenco · 05/09/2015 07:03

Apart from everything else these are two people who divorced relatively recently. It took me years before I stopped being annoyed by everything my ex did. Maybe he isn't that bad, but they have history.

MythicalKings · 05/09/2015 07:46

If your DH takes equal responsibility for his kids then he should have checked the impact on any arrangments before taking the job, and have checked with his ex that wasn't a problem.

That's just silly. If he hadn't taken the job he'd be unemployed and the ex would get nothing.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 05/09/2015 08:53

Yabu

Payment and contact have changed, including that she will miss several weeks payment til your dp gets paid. I'm not surprised she wants things formalised, and I don't understand why your dp would object. I also don't understand why it's any of your business.

scallopsrgreat · 05/09/2015 08:57

"You work together like adults to sort it out" Yet there is the OPs DP just assuming his ex will pick up the slack. Not really working it out like adults is it?

scallopsrgreat · 05/09/2015 09:02

Losing job = out of your control (generally unless he was sacked)
Arranging childcare around your job = within your control

This all feeds into how men shouldn't have to worry about childcare because women are around to sort it out for them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/09/2015 15:49

That's just silly. If he hadn't taken the job he'd be unemployed and the ex would get nothing

Checking the impact then mitigating any negative impact is not silly it is what reasonable decent people do.

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