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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why DP's ex is doing this?

99 replies

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 10:49

DP's ex has been funny with him since the last time he saw his ds last week, yesterday she sent him a huge long essay text telling him that she will be seeing a solicitor and getting his contact arrangements drawn up in writing and will be applying to the cma to get his payments formalised.

That would all be fair enough except that DP always pays her all the money they have mutually agreed to every single time and sees their ds every other week, also as mutually agreed between them. The money and contact situation has not changed so I'm confused why the mildly threatening text and the sudden need to see a solicitor and 'formalise' everything when their current arrangement has been working fine for the past 2 years.

The only thing that has changed is that he started a new job recently that is paid monthly instead of weekly and contacted her to notify her that the payments would be changing from weekly to monthly. Same amount. He also had to notify her that the dates he had ds would need to change slightly as he now does shift work. She knows this and yet is, in my opinion, being slightly u in that she expects him to be able to get the exact same shifts every week. She does shift work too so she she know it doesn't always work that way! Aibu to be confused about her sudden shift in attitude?

OP posts:

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 14:20

She works mornings but the days differ.

She is not that poor that DP's lack of money for a few weeks will put her in financial difficulties, she has a DP with a well paid job - I realise the doesn't mean dp doesn't have to pay for his son as obviously he does, I only mention it to illustrate the fact that she will be able to survive for a few weeks until dp gets paid.

He is supporting and parenting his child!

Don't see how the question about children is relevent.

OP posts:

Lucked · 04/09/2015 14:25

I think your dh should have arranged childcare for the weeks he can't cover. Asking family and friends and then offering his ex this arrangement or the choice to pick up those weekends herself.

InimitableJeeves · 04/09/2015 14:26

Maybe ex's mother isn't keen on his contact days chopping and changing? Who knows, maybe she has a life of her own and doesn't spend her time just awaiting the call to childmind.

MissingPanda · 04/09/2015 14:30

Did your DP sit down and discuss these changes with her or just inform her that that's what was happening? I admit the latter would piss me off.

In changing the payments from weekly to monthy how has he calculated them?

Has he asked his ex if the changes are convenient for her/her mum or is he assuming that she/her mum are happy to pick up his slack?

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 14:31

Saucy, yes that was the holiday where she took 2 weeks off in term time to go on holiday and at the last minute informed DP that she wanted him to take two weeks off work to look after dss. It wasn't that he refused, it was that the last minute nature of it meant he was not able to take two weeks off.

I wouldn't say she is insane or abnormal but she is definitely one of the most selfish and self obsessed people I have ever met - everything is about her and she thrives on drama, real or invented. She complains about everything as if her life is soooo hard yet she has probably the cushiest life of anyone I know, and yet is simultaniously unbearably smug about how perfect everything is for her. She is currently pregnant and she expects DP to visit her in hospital when she has the baby. The baby she is having with the man she left DP for (an ex friend of his) I think that's a bit rich personally .That is my issue with her, I accept that, but it is totally irrelevant to what's going on now.

OP posts:

sashh · 04/09/2015 14:40

He is supporting and parenting his child!

By not paying and not having him?

I wouldn't say she is insane or abnormal but she is definitely one of the most selfish and self obsessed people I have ever met - everything is about her and she thrives on drama, real or invented.

Pot, kettle, black.

SoupDragon · 04/09/2015 14:50

Your little crossed out comments speak volumes.

hantslass1 · 04/09/2015 14:52

I'm going to go against the general consensus here, but what are you expected to do if you get a new job and your hours are all over the place? If she was still with him, it would have an impact. Sadly, as they both children together, it has an impact. I think it is unreasonable to get all uppity because your ex-dp has changed his job (if he didn't have a job at all she'd be a lot worse off). You can't ask if it's convenient - if you need a job to pay the bills you have to generally take what's on offer for you.

She may not like the changes but to go charging round to a solicitor seems totally over the top. So even if you have the arrangements set out in a solicitors's letter (and have wasted £££ going to the solicitor in the first place) that means her ex-dp can never change his job again in case it's inconvenient for her?

As for the weekly to monthly thing, well I can understand that could be an issue, but presumably that's an issue for him as well. If you get paid weekly and then it goes to monthly it is difficult until you get your first monthly payment. It can be the same if you get paid monthly anyway, but the date changes massively with the first job (or as happened with me with one job, I started the job towards the end of the month so had to wait until payday the following month to get paid). That's just the way of the world and you can't be unreasonable about it.

As for the hobbies thing, well that happens when you are a parent. You often can't do things because your DH is working or otherwise engaged. Equally my DH has to not do things on occasion because I am and someone has to look after dc. I don't think it matters whether you are still together or not, you are still parents and that comes first.

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 15:03

Hantslass, exactly. Thank you!

Sashh, um, he is paying for him just all at once at the end of the month instead of in instalments through the month. How is that not paying for him exactly? Equally, he is having him just one week he had to change the days. How is that not having him?

As for pot, kettle, black, not quite sure what you are getting at there.

OP posts:

Backforthis · 04/09/2015 15:17

So your DP is going from self employed (notoriously difficult to get correct maintenance assessed) to PAYE? That in itself is a good reason to formalise arrangements.

TimeToMuskUp · 04/09/2015 15:25

I think that as difficult as it is when your DP has children with an ex, you have to do your level best to keep away from their arrangements and issues because you will always be deemed in the wrong to have an opinion; it's their relationship, their issue and their choice as to how they work it out.

DH has never got involved in the details when it comes to DS1; he leaves Ex and I to work stuff out and then gets on with it. I'm sure if I asked him he'd admit to not being too keen on certain parts, but he'd die before sticking his oar in.

It does make sense for them to formalise things and in a situations such as that I'd do the same. Not for malice or spite or drama, simply to put measures in place which offer extra security to my child.

capricalia · 04/09/2015 16:12

Difference is hants when you are together it is discussed before and you have time to plan for changes if your partner is applying for a new job. It's beyond fecking irritating when it's not even brought up into conversation until it's 'Oh btw I have a new job and my hours are changing', you're expected to drop everything and change all your own arrangements. How much notice did your dp give his ex?

As you updated with it's only for two weeks, I would say a little flexibility probably wouldn't go amiss BUT she's still well within her rights to go to a solicitor if she wants. With a new baby on the way she probably wants to get things set in stone so she knows where she stands with contact.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 04/09/2015 16:18

I suspect that the problem may be how your DP has handled it. It sounds like he has simply presented her with a fait accompli when it would have been better if he had discussed this all with her rather than simply telling her 'this is how it's going to be and you have to organise yourself around it'.

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 16:21

He told her the day he found out he lost his job so he couldn't have told her any earlier than he did. He had virtually no notice himself so it was pretty difficult for him too.

It would have only been two weeks of different dates but now she has claimed she wants all different contact hours anyway, and odd ones at that.

OP posts:

TheRealAmyLee · 04/09/2015 16:39

If she is preg with another one she may have been thinking about formalising things for a while. Sometimes a "you might vanish now I have a new baby" mentality can kick in. It's good to have stable formal arrangements in place before a new kid arrives. If he has had to adjust things its probably a catalyst for her to go "oh yes let's do this right" If he wants to see his kid and pay there's nothing to stress about. A court won't let either of you formalise insane and unsettling arrangements.

YourHandInMyHand · 04/09/2015 17:06

To me it sounds like what she has suggested is set, regular and frequent (wed nights and sat afts). Twice a week with the same days and times every week sounds ideal for her DS really. She probably wants a routine for him and to know where she stands both in terms of maintenance and contact.

How much help she has from her mum, what holidays she's had, her current relationship, etc are all irrelevant I don't blame her for wanting things to be formalised properly.

I say this as someone who was the child of separated parents, a step mum for 9 years, and now a single mum myself so I can see it from all angles. It's about what is important for the child at the end of the day and if he has no issue with frequent routine contact and regular maintenance payments then it doesn't matter really does it.

fedupbutfine · 04/09/2015 17:18

How much notice did your dp give his ex?

No amount of notice can magic child-care out of thin air. Or compensate you both financially and in terms of disappointment when you don't get to go to the event you booked 6 months ago based on your contact schedule.

And notice, frankly, has fuck all to do with it. He has a responsibility both to his child and his ex (because she too has to work and maintain her home and pay for her child) and needs to acknowledge the difficulties they both face in dealing with childcare. Not just 'give notice' to change.

definiteissues · 04/09/2015 17:38

But he was meant to pay her weekly.
So instead of her having weekly money, he will be paying her 4 weeks late
I would be pissed off if I was her as well

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 17:40

Yourhand, DP cannot guarentee week nights though as he does shift work and only finishes in the evening. He can guarentee eow, as per their normal arrangement.

OP posts:

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 17:43

Well, shit happens definate. I'm sure DP isn't happy about having a job that pays monthly instead of weekly and not getting paid for several weeks before his last job ended but that's life and there isn't much he can do about it, he just has to make to best of it.

If she changed jobs and her pay schedule changed she would have to deal with it, this is no different.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 17:55

but what are you expected to do if you get a new job and your hours are all over the place

At the very least you check that your (free!) childcare provider can cover the new hours. If they cant you arrange alternative care for your child. You dont just agree to the job and tell that person "oh yore having him X,Y and Z days now, but that'll change from week to week so dont plan to have a life"

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 17:57

if she changed jobs and her pay schedule changed she would have to deal with it, this is no different.

Yeah but her changes wouldnt impact on your partners finances and she wouldnt be expecting him to do the childcare for her. Right?

KittyLane1 · 04/09/2015 18:00

Sounds like your DP has done everything he can to keep ex informed. He lost his job suddenly and quickly found a new one, sounds very responsible.
Surely ex is just happy that DP has a good, stable job to support his DS? I'm sure losing his job wasn't fun for DP and he has to make do. It sucks but not much he could do about it.

That said, I don't blame her for wanting something concrete, no matter how good relationships between parents are, I think it's best if there is something formal in place

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 18:05

Surly, he couldn't check with his ex if it was ok before accepting the job, he had to accept the job on the basis that he would be available on the days they need him or they just would not have offered him the job. Unless you think it's preferable for him to be unemployed and be able to give her no maintainance money at all? Not to mention having nowhere to have Dss when he comes over as we would be homeless if we couldn't pay our rent? Would that be better than a few weeks of mild inconvenience for her?

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Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 18:08

That's exactly it kitty, he was left up the proverbial creek by his previous employer and within a week had another job, which I think is bloody good going actually.

Life isn't always straight forward and he really has done his utmost to keep her informed of any changes to keep things as easy as possible for her and Dss.

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