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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why DP's ex is doing this?

99 replies

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 10:49

DP's ex has been funny with him since the last time he saw his ds last week, yesterday she sent him a huge long essay text telling him that she will be seeing a solicitor and getting his contact arrangements drawn up in writing and will be applying to the cma to get his payments formalised.

That would all be fair enough except that DP always pays her all the money they have mutually agreed to every single time and sees their ds every other week, also as mutually agreed between them. The money and contact situation has not changed so I'm confused why the mildly threatening text and the sudden need to see a solicitor and 'formalise' everything when their current arrangement has been working fine for the past 2 years.

The only thing that has changed is that he started a new job recently that is paid monthly instead of weekly and contacted her to notify her that the payments would be changing from weekly to monthly. Same amount. He also had to notify her that the dates he had ds would need to change slightly as he now does shift work. She knows this and yet is, in my opinion, being slightly u in that she expects him to be able to get the exact same shifts every week. She does shift work too so she she know it doesn't always work that way! Aibu to be confused about her sudden shift in attitude?

OP posts:

Spotifymuse · 04/09/2015 18:13

You have a massive chip on your shoulder about the Ex. Why do you feel so threatened and insecure when she stops simply nodding and agreeing to significant changes in maintenance arrangements and contact? He should have discussed it with her, not presented it as a fait accompli.
She probably wants things formalised to avoid the goalposts constantly changing. Particularly if her Ex has a yapping terrier snapping at his heels new partner to 'consider'.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 18:16

he couldn't check with his ex if it was ok before accepting the job, he had to accept the job on the basis that he would be available on the days they need him

No problem, so why didnt he arrange childcare for the days that DS was due to come to him? Thats what i have to do when i have work on that coincides with my children being at home. Thats what most parents do.

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 18:26

Err, thanks for calling me a 'yapping terrier', not quite sure what I did to deserve that!

I stay out of their interactions, I don't get involved at all. Hence why I rant on here because I don't want to exacerbate or otherwise inflame the issue, so I dont.

I am neither threatened or insecure because of her, why on earth would I be? I've already admitted I don't like her but that isn't a crime.

In fact, if anything it's her who has been constantly changing the goalposts and DP is always the one who has to agree to what she wants. It's either her way or the highway. 99% of the time they will start out discussing things then DP will just give in and do as she asks. For example; she wanted no overnights, then she wanted overnights, then she wanted one day every week instead of eow, then she changed it back because she wasn't happy with it. She has canceled DP's contact weekend before on a few occasions because Dss had a birthday party or something to go to but wants takes DP to court if he changes his weekend once because of work duties. Now she wants to change it to half days spread out through the week. It's fine if she changes something to suit her but not the other way around.

My job involves me working every weekend so I get no 'alone' time with DP but do you hear me complaining? No, because I realise that sometimes you have to put up with less than ideal things to make ends meet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 18:28

Surly, the only childcare he has is either his sister or his mum - his sister is in hospital and his mum is looking after her daughter so he had no available childcare.

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 18:48

Surly, the only childcare he has is either his sister or his mum - his sister is in hospital and his mum is looking after her daughter so he had no available childcare.

No thats the only free childcare available. There are also nurseries, childminders, nannies, afterschool clubs, paid babysitters. You know like other working parents have to use.

Original poster

Apignamedjasper · 04/09/2015 18:57

Yes surly, but these all have to be arranged in advance, with Dss visiting them beforehand, making sure it's right for him etc etc. DP did not have time for any of that. As far as I'm aware after school clubs don't run on weekends. Also, DP's job is early in the morning so in order to get him to one of these places he would have to pick Dss up at 6am, before they would be open.

Thank you cheeky, I don't either. I can't believe some people seem to be suggesting it would have been preferable for him to be unemployed as long as he can keep his contact days the same. Or that he should have asked his ex's permission before accepting the job. Ridiculous.

The irony is at this very moment there is another thread running where a man wants to reduce his contact days with his sons from 2 a week to one a week - apparently this is fine as he is entitled to 'child free time' but apparently my DP is the scum of the earth for changing one weekend!

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 19:01

but these all have to be arranged in advance

Whereas his ex is just expected to drop her plans at a minute's notice to sort his childcare issues.

Let me ask you this, what would he have done with DS if he was his primary carer? He would have had to sort childcare. But its just to handy to expect his ex to do it isnt it.

Spotifymuse · 04/09/2015 19:08

Where has anyone called him the scum of the earth?
And the posters telling the other OP that it's fine for her Ex to reduce contact as it pleases him are the same posters who are telling you that your partner is completely reasonable to mess about with contact and maintenance without any communication and discussion.

Andrewofgg · 04/09/2015 19:30

She cannot expect his working pattern to remain the same year in, year out, up to the time when he and the DS can make their own arrangements, can she? Such things change and the other parent has to adapt, just as they do when parents are living together and one parent's work arrangements change.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 19:36

She cannot expect his working pattern to remain the same year in, year out

She can expect not to be treated as convenient childcare when the situation does change though. If she were to use his model then she would be within her rights to accept a new job and inform her EXp that she was no longer having her DS on XY and Z days and he would just have to "adapt" wouldnt he?

Spotifymuse · 04/09/2015 19:42

Or that her new working pattern meant that his contact with his child would have to change to one afternoon a week on alternate weeks.. Would that be ok?
Separated parents have to communicate. Things go wrong when one parent does all the dictating and expects the other to just fall in line.

RainbowFlutterby · 04/09/2015 19:45

I agree with Surly - it's not that he's changed his job/shift pattern that's the problem, it's the fact that she's expected to sort out childcare. Tbh my ex does that - just states he can't have DS one weekend. Admittedly he gives plent of notice but he shouldn't assume that I'm around to cover his arse.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 04/09/2015 19:48

I agree with you that yes, given the situation with his job and his sister the best solution would be, for the time being, for his ex to provide a bit of support re helping him with covering the time he is working but he should have gone to her to discuss the situation and sort something between them rather than saying 'this is how it is for me, you sort any alternative arrangements needed yourself'.

SouthWestmom · 04/09/2015 19:53

Can I just point out the obvious?
£100 per week is £5200 per year
£400 per month is £4800
See, if she's any good at maths and he hasn't factored that in, that's one reason to be pissed off.

definiteissues · 04/09/2015 19:54

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding OP.

He is meant to have his son on certain days over the 2 weeks. He now can't and, instead of arranging a solution, he has decided it is his exes responsibility. That is not fair to her and it is an inconvenience. So she is right to be annoyed.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have taken the job and that he hasn't done well to get one quickly, but she is entirely reasonable to be pissed off that she now has 4 weeks without noney that she would have been expecting and relying on.
It isn't her fault that he hasn't been paid.

2 such big things like this happening it isn't really surprising she wants a solicitor

WyrdByrd · 04/09/2015 19:56

At the very least you check that your (free!) childcare provider...

She's not a childcare provider, she's the boy's mother!

Whenever people refer to DH's 'babysitting' on here there is uproar - talk about double standards!

OP, tbh I think you're getting a bit unnecessarily worked up at this stage - she's just said she wants to formalise things which is understandable with a new baby on the way and the changes to circumstances. It could benefit all of you in the long run, so try not to stress about it unless/until you know you need to.

fedupbutfine · 04/09/2015 19:56

She cannot expect his working pattern to remain the same year in, year out, up to the time when he and the DS can make their own arrangements, can she?

But yet (in my situation), I am unable to move to a more convenient location where jobs are more available (and promotion more likely) because that would cause problems for contact between dad and children. This is court-ordered - I have a Prohibited Steps Order preventing my move. I am responsible for my children 24/7, despite the children regularly having overnight stays with their father.

I am unable to get a promotion because to do so would mean being in work earlier than I can get there currently. Only childcare I can find locally opens too late for me to get to work at a promotion-inducing time. Ex won't have them. I can't change anything. Stuck.

I am the only parent supporting our children financially because my ex is self-employed and therefore able to avoid making any contribution (legally, I might add). The courts won't/are unable to take this into account as 'contact and maintenance are not connected'.

I have to pay full time childcare to maintain my job, despite the fact my ex has the children on a regular basis, because he cannot be trusted to not change the day he picks up the children when it suits him. I am unable to do anything about this - I am at work when he picks up the children. The school is not allowed to keep a child from a person with parental responsibility. My childcare costs, as a result, are 20% higher than they need to be.

I have had to accept -again and again - changes to the time my ex has contact with the children because there is nothing I can physically do to stop him. I built a life around him having the children on Wednesdays - gym, going out with friends, theatre, dance class etc. And then he changed it to Thursday - I said no. He didn't pick up the children on the Wednesday. Who did the school call to sort it out? He then picks them up on Thursday, as suits. The courts will do nothing about this.

It's OK for me to have to accept whatever changes are thrown at me? You really think so?

definiteissues · 04/09/2015 19:56

Oh and I agree that the money thing needs to be worked out.

He needs to take the weekly sum, multiply it by 52 then divide it by 12 and pay that figure monthly rather than just paying 4 weeks worth

StarOnTheTree · 04/09/2015 19:57

Separated parents have to communicate. Things go wrong when one parent does all the dictating and expects the other to just fall in line.

This

Spotifymuse · 04/09/2015 19:59

The 'free childcare provider' comment is a nod to how the OP and her partner seem to see the child's mother.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 20:00

"At the very least you check that your (free!) childcare provider...

She's not a childcare provider, she's the boy's mother! "

Providing his childcare for him when he is supposed to be having his son. He is a working parent yet pays for no childcare. Because she is providing it for free. I say the same about families where one parent SAH. They are providing free childcare for their partner's half of the responsibility.

Andrewofgg · 04/09/2015 20:05

Fedupbutfine Every case is different and you may have been right royally shafted. But I stand by what I said: not every change in an NRP's working arrangement is a deliberate ploy to mess up the RP's life. Change happens.

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