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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she is using her children to get at DP!

78 replies

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:19

Wasn't sure wether to post this here given the step parent bashing that goes on but here, hopefully I'll get some resonable perspective on it.

DP was due to pick his DC up this morning from their mothers, we are going away with them for a few days. last night at 5 she phoned and told DP he was to pick the children up then instead of this morning because she was going out. DP explained to her that he couldn't come to hers (over an hour round trip) because we had people visiting but if she wanted to drop them off that would be fine. She then goes off on one calling him a selfish twat and a shit father Hmm then his DD (9) phoned and said 'I really want to stay at yours tonight, can you pick us up)!! DP had to tell her he couldn't but he would see her in the morning.

So now DP has picked the SC up, they have no clothes at all for their trip so he has had to take them shopping for new clothes to take on holiday, something we can ill afford! ( we gave her all the clothes DC had at ours because she wanted to pack for them)! Obviously she is pissed off at him and using the SC to try and get back at him!

AIBU to be utterly raging at her, to think if she changed her plans at the last minute she shouldn't expect DP to drop everything to accommodate her! and that she has potentially ruined her children's holiday because niw we might have to cancel one of our day trips as the money we had put aside for it is now needed to buy a weeks worth of clothes for the DC! Sad

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/07/2015 11:23

How old are the sc? Surely a 9yo could pack some clothes for herself. Why did they leave empty handed, whether ex was annoyed or not.

Scholes34 · 26/07/2015 11:26

That really is ridiculous. If it's an hour's round trip, that left half an hour to pack something.

FantasticButtocks · 26/07/2015 11:27

Don't let this ruin your holiday. At least you have the sdc now, and they have clothes. She's trying to wind you up. I wouldn't rise to it or waste any more of your thoughts on her. Rise above it. My advice to you is to let this go and enjoy your holiday Smile

TheBobbinIsWound · 26/07/2015 11:27

She is clearly using the children but that does not explain how or why the children were collected with no bags etc. your DP is enabling this behaviour.

Original poster
JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:29

Sorry, should have said she text DP through the night to tell him the children were at a neighbours seeing as he 'refused' to take them. He only saw it when we got up. He tried to phone her and went to her house but she won't answer the phone and the door is locked. Don't know if she is even in and ignoring him or if she is still out Hmm they are 9 and 5. I feel sorry for them!

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 26/07/2015 11:30

Did he not ask her for clothes?

Original poster
JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:31

No, we put everything out to hers last Tuesday when the DC were dropped off

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 26/07/2015 11:31

oops just saw post. yep I'd say she is punishing you.

BlueBananas · 26/07/2015 11:32

Did he really not question why they had no bags for a weeks holiday??

LIZS · 26/07/2015 11:33

So they must have had a change of clothes and nightclothes if they stayed with neighbours. Did no one have a spare key? She may not have come home yet, were the kids expecting to see her before they left.

AuntyMag10 · 26/07/2015 11:34

It is her who is the selfish twat. So needing to go out was more important than seeing to her kids. Feel sorry for those kids.

mysteryfairy · 26/07/2015 11:35

I would be upset as this passive aggressive behaviour too, particularly as the main sufferers are her own children.

I don't think a 9 year old could have packed stuff in defiance of her own mothers wishes and I don't think your DH was enabling her if he didn't feel able to force her to hand stuff back in front of the DC.

You've got the DC and some appropriate clothes now. I'm sure the DC will have a lovely time and be totally happy with beach, play park or whatever so won't register the missed outing. Let it go and don't let dwelling on it ruin your holiday as that would be living up to her intentions.

For the future hang on to these clothes so you've got stuff for them for next couple of months if similar happens again.

Namechangenell · 26/07/2015 11:37

Well poor children, being used as pawns. I'd question her capability as a parent to be honest. She sounds manipulative and a tad unhinged. Both of those children are old enough to know they will be missing their favourite items. Any chance your DP can increase the amount of time they spend with him?

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:37

On the face of it she sounds really very unreasonable, but I have a nagging suspicion that there may be more to this than meets the eye.

And come to think of it, it might have been nice and helpful if your DH had taken an hour out from what sounds like at home socialising for the sake of his children and so that their mother could have a night out too.

But as I say, I suspect the whole story is not being told...not a criticism of you OP; inevitable on this kind of forum really.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:39

Just realised my post makes it sound like I have a personal axe to grind. I honestly don't...am not, and never have been Ex-W, OW or DSM

CinderellaRockefeller · 26/07/2015 11:41

Why should he drop everything because she changed her plans? It wasn't for the "sake of his children."

OP she sounds a manipulative horror. No more giving clothes or anything to her, get back what you can. is contact court ordered?

lighteningirl · 26/07/2015 11:43

Yes she sounds vile welcome to the world of step parenting the one where were you put the kids first and the vile self righteous mother can do no wrong. We keep clothes at ours as this has happened repeatedly. We were expected to cancel birthday theatre tickets once as her plans changed but hey Jeremy she can't be in the wrong on mn can she

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:45

Having whittered on a bit I shall just also say OP that I can understand your anger but really it's not a good look or thing for you to be 'raging'. I should dig deep and stay out of it as far as is humanly possible.

Cinder I see no mention of dropping everything. Just taking an hour out. If he were the RP this would just be par for the course, surely, and probably/possibly the sort of thing the DM has to do all (or most of) the time

FryOneFatManic · 26/07/2015 11:45

Why should the DP have had to cancel his socialising, especially when the ex would have had the whole of the holiday to socialise?

Whatever the rights or wrongs of a situation between the parents, the children shouldn't be drawn in, but it's something that happens all too often.

Purplepoodle · 26/07/2015 11:45

does she have form for this?

GloGirl · 26/07/2015 11:47

I have a phrase I repeat to myself about people.

"Dogs bark"

Don't wind yourself up when someone acts exactly as expected. Yes, she is being unreasonable. Your problem is getting worked up by it - she's doing what she does and what she always will do. Prepare for it, plan for it.

Give her no head space.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:48

Oh, puleeeze Lightning I was talking about this post, not your theatre visit situation about which I know even less and I was careful to say that on the face of it Ex W was being unreasonable but there could be another side. But hey don't let anyone's attempt to be balanced get in the way of your invested (possibly justifiably) anger on this.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:50

Whatever the rights or wrongs of a situation between the parents, the children shouldn't be drawn in, but it's something that happens all too often.

Could NOT agree more Manic which is precisely why I suggested that it may not have been the worst thing for their Dad to suck it up on this occasion. Fair? Absolutely not, but, ahem, I am thinking of the children.

Original poster
JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:51

It certainly isn't the whole story, that would be a novel Hmm it's the whole story as far as this situation goes. DP is currently in legal talks to get more official access to the children. He has them officially EOW and a day inbetween but in reality it is a lot more, not quite 50/50 but not far off it. She has threatened to move away with them so he has had to resort to the legal system as far as that goes. Things are not good between them but even I'm surprised at this latest situation. She loves her kids and on the whole is a decent mother but what she's done this time is awful Angry I think her bitterness towards DP has overshadowed her judgement. We had had a few drinks yesterday so DP couldn't pick them up, he isn't on call for her Hmm

OP posts:
JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:51

Glogirl speaks very sound sense imho!

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