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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she is using her children to get at DP!

78 replies

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:19

Wasn't sure wether to post this here given the step parent bashing that goes on but here, hopefully I'll get some resonable perspective on it.

DP was due to pick his DC up this morning from their mothers, we are going away with them for a few days. last night at 5 she phoned and told DP he was to pick the children up then instead of this morning because she was going out. DP explained to her that he couldn't come to hers (over an hour round trip) because we had people visiting but if she wanted to drop them off that would be fine. She then goes off on one calling him a selfish twat and a shit father Hmm then his DD (9) phoned and said 'I really want to stay at yours tonight, can you pick us up)!! DP had to tell her he couldn't but he would see her in the morning.

So now DP has picked the SC up, they have no clothes at all for their trip so he has had to take them shopping for new clothes to take on holiday, something we can ill afford! ( we gave her all the clothes DC had at ours because she wanted to pack for them)! Obviously she is pissed off at him and using the SC to try and get back at him!

AIBU to be utterly raging at her, to think if she changed her plans at the last minute she shouldn't expect DP to drop everything to accommodate her! and that she has potentially ruined her children's holiday because niw we might have to cancel one of our day trips as the money we had put aside for it is now needed to buy a weeks worth of clothes for the DC! Sad

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 26/07/2015 13:00

Jeremy

"but I have a nagging suspicion that there may be more to this than meets the eye.

And come to think of it, it might have been nice and helpful if your DH had taken an hour out from what sounds like at home socialising for the sake of his children and so that their mother could have a night out too. "

"one of us used to remain sober in case one of the kids wanted an unplanned lift home."

"I suggested that it may not have been the worst thing for their Dad to suck it up on this occasion. Fair? Absolutely not, but, ahem, I am thinking of the children"

"I knew there had to be a backstory! On both sides I imagine."

All infer that the blame is with the OP's DP. This isn't to say that you are the only one doing it.

breadstixandhommus · 26/07/2015 13:02

Jeremy what you are saying is totally irrelevant if how your posts come across is correct...you are saying one or the other would stay up if 'dc are coming in late' etc so you are talking as if both parents live under the same roof. That is not the same situation, the parents in this are separated and live in different houses. And no, the NRP shouldn't be expected to be on call.

breadstixandhommus · 26/07/2015 13:04

Mis-quoted but the idea remains the same.

BTW, you're coming across as if you're just trying to piss people off.

Original poster
JakieOH · 26/07/2015 13:04

I mean his exw is a tool, not you Jeremy, you seem decent if not slightly unaware of what these situations are like Flowers

OP posts:
JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:09

BTW, you're coming across as if you're just trying to piss people off.

If that's the case then I am very sorry. Not too sure how you arrived at that though, except by quoting me wholly out of context. Fortunately the OP doesn't see it that way. And it may just be the case that you are determined to be pissed off. Who knows?

Jakie I think you are quite possibly right...about this not really being part of my own experience, that is. Not about me or Ex W being or not being a tool....I'll get me coat...Grin

DixieNormas · 26/07/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 13:12

Because this is MN you will no doubt get royally flames but YANBU she sounds horrendous. I hope you have a nice time away regardless OP

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:13

Oh and if I REALLY wanted to piss people off Breadstix I would say that the word Jefferson is looking for is imply, not infer.

Oh no, I've been and gone and dunnit now. But I was provoked your honour! (Thought not especially by Jefferson to whom I apologise unreservedly!)

DixieNormas · 26/07/2015 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breadstixandhommus · 26/07/2015 13:15

You are being antagonistic, as your last post has proven. I have no desire to be pissed off, especially not by a faceless, clueless person on the Internet. Rest assured I'm actually very happy right now.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:16

You make a very fair point Dixie and I admit that when I first said that perhaps DP could have gone and got them I did not know he had had a drink. As I said myself, and others have said since, I guess it IS different when bot parents are resident.

WayneRooneysHair · 26/07/2015 13:19

Jeremy have you been on the sauce? Your situation was completely different to the OP's.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:19

I am sorry Bredstix but it simply isn't the mark of someone who is very happy to accuse someone else who, though I say it myself, has been good humoured and prepared to see others' sides, of being faceless and clueless.

And as you are obviously aware, my post to which you refer was reactive rather than antagonistic, and quite clearly playfully meant, though if that tone was lost then again I am sorry.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:22

Grin No Wayne, but I accept that it sounds as though I may have been!

But my point (and I did have one, or at least I thought I did!) was that as a parent of young(ish) children, you're never really off duty, whatever the cirx.

I am now though!!! And the time when my DC will have to responsible for me is getting ever closer!!

breadstixandhommus · 26/07/2015 13:30

Jeremy you are clueless. You have jumped onto a thread to give advice and opinions but have either missed the point or you genuinely believe that NRP shouldn't socialise, drink, have a life, just in case the ex decides she wants a day off outside of agreed dats/times and phones them to pick up said children.

My money is on the former, although how you missed dp was a NRP is beyond me when it is very clearly stated in the op.

And yes, the 'humour' has clealy been lost on me.

Fluffyears · 26/07/2015 13:36

Also if the op is in Scotland one drink will put you over the limit now as it changed this year so if dp had even just one drink he was quite right to refuse to drive. He told his ex to drop them off which is a sensible compromise.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:45

I have not given advice at all: opinions yes, not advice.

The way you put it

believe that NRP shouldn't socialise, drink, have a life, just in case the ex decides she wants a day off outside of agreed dats/times and phones them to pick up said children yes of course that would be ridiculous, and I said at the very beginning that it sounds like the ex is being unreasonable. I have not said that the OP is being unreasonable (at all) in being annoyed, but yes I did suggest that a lot of hassle might have been avoided if DP had just sucked it up and gone and got them. I also said I thought this would have been unfair but that it would have reduced the hassle.

This was before I realised he had had a drink, as I have already said, and this is where I weighed in with my own experience, fully recognising that the situation was different, that staying sober just goes/went with the territory.

I do not expect everyone to agree with me and I have given my opinions, I say again, in a measured and fairly obviously good humoured way, though I accept that you have not seen that. I thought this was what online forums were all about. You seem to disagree which is entirely your right to do . Personal insults, (of which clueless is one, though it could be worse) hmm not so much. I agree this is outside my own particular sphere of experience but at 62 with two grown children, huge experience of other family problems, bereavement etc I think the term clueless is a little bit wide of the mark.

But then I would say that wouldn't I. It seems I am in a very small minority on this thread. That's okay. Everyone else has been perfectly okay and civil with that. Oh well, you can't win them all.

MsColouring · 26/07/2015 13:46

Horrible situation. You have every right to be annoyed. This is why arrangements should be arranged and stuck to and not changed at the last minute as it just puts the children in the middle and that's not fair on anyone.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:46

He told his ex to drop them off which is a sensible compromise.

Yes I agree.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 13:58

And finally Breadstix I absolutely did not miss the fact that OP's DP is a non resident parent. I think that is is clear in one of my many posts

Don't know if the fact that we were both resident parents makes a difference, but it's what we did

On reflection, I see that OF COURSE it makes a difference, but I did understand the circumstances. Sorry if you missed that, but maybe I am not as clueless as you thought.

Original poster
JakieOH · 26/07/2015 13:58

and were off Grin a few hours later than anticipated but full cases, empty wallets and DSC asking if we are nearly there yet (it's been 30 minutes Grin)

Thanks again for all your responses, made me feel better about it. We will have a lovely break and no doubt a phone call from a hungover mother spouting about what a shit dad DP is Hmm

Living the dream of a step parent, wouldn't have it any other way Wine Wink

OP posts:
JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 14:02

If you're holidaying in the UK Jakie I bleeding well hope the weather pulls its socks up!

DixieNormas · 26/07/2015 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraysAnalogy · 26/07/2015 15:49

OP she's being an arse. My cousin is in exactly the same situation now with his child and it's infuriating.

CluckingBelle · 26/07/2015 17:45

Who normally buys their clothes?

She should have asked him earlier if she wanted him to have them the night before as well, and brought them over herself.