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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she is using her children to get at DP!

78 replies

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:19

Wasn't sure wether to post this here given the step parent bashing that goes on but here, hopefully I'll get some resonable perspective on it.

DP was due to pick his DC up this morning from their mothers, we are going away with them for a few days. last night at 5 she phoned and told DP he was to pick the children up then instead of this morning because she was going out. DP explained to her that he couldn't come to hers (over an hour round trip) because we had people visiting but if she wanted to drop them off that would be fine. She then goes off on one calling him a selfish twat and a shit father then his DD (9) phoned and said 'I really want to stay at yours tonight, can you pick us up)!! DP had to tell her he couldn't but he would see her in the morning.

So now DP has picked the SC up, they have no clothes at all for their trip so he has had to take them shopping for new clothes to take on holiday, something we can ill afford! ( we gave her all the clothes DC had at ours because she wanted to pack for them)! Obviously she is pissed off at him and using the SC to try and get back at him!

AIBU to be utterly raging at her, to think if she changed her plans at the last minute she shouldn't expect DP to drop everything to accommodate her! and that she has potentially ruined her children's holiday because niw we might have to cancel one of our day trips as the money we had put aside for it is now needed to buy a weeks worth of clothes for the DC!

OP posts:

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:55

I knew there had to be a backstory! On both sides I imagine.

But of course if he was over the limit he couldn't go. But there again, when I had dependent children I regret staying sober when they were out of the house was just part of the description. I never knew when I would be on call! Those days are gone

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:55

Part of the job description

fakenamefornow · 26/07/2015 11:55

She does sound vile but if one of my children had called asking me to pick them up (even manipulated my mum) I would go and get them, don't really understand why your dp didn't. He also prioritised socialising over his children.

Original poster

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 11:57

Jeremy congrats

However I think it's VUR to expect DP never to have a drink when DC at the their mothers incase she decides she wants to go out and he has to pick them up?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 26/07/2015 11:58

Fake, he'd already had a couple of drinks when the situation arose. So he couldn't just up and get them.

WorraLiberty · 26/07/2015 11:58

Your DP has done nothing wrong here by the sound of it. He even offered for her to drop them off last night, but that wasn't good enough.

I know it's irrelevant, but I'm puzzled as to why he handed over every single bit of clothing they have at your house though? It must be quite a bit if he has them not far off 50/50?

Mermaidhair · 26/07/2015 11:59

I can see both sides. I don't understand why your dp did not make his children a priority. Unless the visitors were something very special, surely he could have excused himself to pick up his children early. Yanbu with the clothes, only because their clothes were sent to her house to pack for the holiday. Does your dp ex get much time to herself? It is very exhausting being a single parent and she probably wanted the children's father to help out more. Remember they are still his children, if mum needs the father to have them for whatever reason he should be there. Enjoy your holiday.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 11:59

Just re-read your latest update Jakie and yes, of course he isn't on call for her, but surely he is permanently on call for his DC?

Mermaidhair · 26/07/2015 11:59

Sorry just read about the drinking issue.

WayneRooneysHair · 26/07/2015 12:00

You or DH are not in the wrong OP, unfortunately on Mumsnet step parents can do no right.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 12:01

Sorry xpost...that should now be your last update but one.

Thanks for the congrats...believe me, second youth is WELL worth waiting for!!

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 12:03

Wayne ....generalising much? As I have said earlier I have no axe to grind, but it seems to me that in MN land what you say about step parents applies equally to Ex Ws.

Original poster

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 12:05

It was a mistake giving her the clothes but we try and be as resonable as possible. We've been caught out with the clothes thing before but She wanted to pack for them, never thought she would do this. It's not so much the clothes I think, it's that things seem to have reached a new level where she is using the children and it impacts on them

Ah well hopefully they will be back soon and we can get the hell out of dodge and enjoy our wee holiday I suspect the 9yo fussy clothing issue is holding them up

Thanks for your responses, I feel less now x

OP posts:

lunar1 · 26/07/2015 12:07

I don't think there is anything to defend the mum here and I can't believe people are trying! A nine year old isn't responsible for holiday packing. And she shouldn't be manipulating children, especially when your dh had already had a drink.

Original poster

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 12:09

Jeremy, on a different point, do you think that neither parent should drink at all in that case or just their dad?

OP posts:

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 12:15

Good point, well presented Jakie Back in the old days [gimmer] one of us used to remain sober in case one of the kids wanted an unplanned lift home. Not wishing to imply by that that the other one used to get rat arsed although that may have happened. Obviouusly if they were both safely home all bets were off . So no, I don't just think it's the Dad's specific responsibility although in your case they are his actual DC. Would absolutely not have thought it at all odd if you had gone instead.

Have a great holiday!

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 26/07/2015 12:20

And come to think of it, it might have been nice and helpful if your DH had taken an hour out from what sounds like at home socialising for the sake of his children and so that their mother could have a night out too.

What, are the few days she is having without the children insufficient for her to socialise? She needed to go out that particularly night, did she? Why the hell should Dad take 'an hour out of at home socialising' because Mum has clicked her fingers? He didn't even say that he wouldn't have them, he was willing to at short notice, just that she would have to drop them off!

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 12:24

Don't disagree with you in essence Names. I said it might have been nice and that's what I meant. Just putting a possible alternative. So shoot me down in flames, oh wait you already have!

missingmumxox · 26/07/2015 12:27

Is it just me?? But you packed all their clothes to take to the exp on Tuesday so she could pack them for you to take today? That's bonkers

But on the whole (if what I read) she sounds more unreasonable

FantasticButtocks · 26/07/2015 12:33

Presumably the arrangement he had with their mother was to pick up in the morning. Their mother at the last minute wanted to change that arrangement for her own reasons. But he'd had a drink and couldn't do the drive. Instead he offered to have the DCs if she brought them over. She refused. I can't believe people are saying he is wrong to have had a drink, with guests for dinner at home, on a night when his DCs were NOT due to be there!

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/07/2015 12:38

FantasticButtocks

IMO, I think that some posters are just looking for any excuse to blame the OP's DP.

DixieNormas · 26/07/2015 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 26/07/2015 12:45

I would never spend a night at home while my child was out with another responsible and feel the need to avoid alcohol 'just in case'.

I can't think of an occasion in 22 years where it would have been necessary.

JeremyDevine · 26/07/2015 12:47

Call me paranoid Jefferson but I can't help thinking you may mean me. If not, I will never be able to apologise adequately, but if so, I refer you my earlier posts and plead not guilty.

And Buttocks (great name!!!) you say you can't believe, etc etc, but as I also said earlier it's what me and my DH used to do. Or at least took it in turns. Don't know if the fact that we were both resident parents makes a difference, but it's what we did. Honest. Btw that doesn't mean to say we didn't drink at all, just that we didn't drink to the point where it would have been illegal or unsafe to drive. In my case that was in fact no drinking at all. DH was a bit less of a lightweight..

You are absolutely at liberty not to believe it, or, believe it and think it's ridiculous, but it happened and I don't suppose we were unique.

Original poster

JakieOH · 26/07/2015 12:56

It's very different because you and your DH were both resident parents Jeremy so you made joint decisions about what you were doing. If the DC were at ours i wouldnt expect his exw to sit at home on call incase he decided go out for a drink? I certainly wouldn't exoect her to come pick them up either. Same situation in reverse. She's a tool

OP posts:

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