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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep DS home that day?

88 replies

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 02/07/2015 20:44

DS is 8yo, he has ASD, Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD and Dyspraxia. He also has, due to the ASD/SPD some serious restricted eating problems and food phobias.

This term they've been doing projects on Roald Dahl, and this last couple of weeks the book has been Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which, no surprise, DS has wanted nothing to do with, as chocolate/sweets are one of his biggest problem foods and he won't even sit near anyone eating them, never mind want to role play or write projects on them.

Anyway, on Monday the rest of his year are going to Cadbury World on a day trip, DS is NOT going because of his SN's and they have instead told me i have to take him into school so he can spend the day doing work with yr2.

I really dont think this is fair, they have chosen a trip that he CANT go on because of his SN, they may as well have deliberately excluded him (and he really can't he had a major meltdown just thinking they might make him go) and now are 'punishing' him for those SN by making him have a boring day working while everyone else is having fun.

AIBU to keep him home and for us to go do something fun instead... and tomorrow to have a chat with the HT and explain thats what i'm doing and why?

OP posts:

sidsgranny · 02/07/2015 20:50

YABU. Your son has needs but you can't expect the whole school year to be focused on that. My DS (aged 9, yr4) and 2 of his classmates recently missed a school trip (singing concert) for yrs 3 and 4 (reasons too long explain!) but they spent the afternoon with the Yr2 class as "mini classroom assistants". They listened to the younger ones read and helped in lots of other ways. My DS had a whale of a time and is now saying he wants to be a teacher!!!

Purplepixiedust · 02/07/2015 20:55

Given that he doesn't want to go on the trip (as well as can't), how does he feel about spending the time with year2? If he doesn't mind, take him in. If he does mind, have a chat with the head teacher to see if there is any alternative rather than just say you are keeping him off.

cansu · 02/07/2015 20:55

No I don't think you should send him in. Personally I would not send him in. You can do it one of three ways:
don't send him in and say that he is ill that day
send in holiday request form and explain you are taking him on an educational visit which will suit his SN's
explain regretfully that he is too upset to come in as the change of routine, fact that everyone else is on visit has been too much for him to cope with

usualsuspect333 · 02/07/2015 20:57

I'd keep him off.

TRexingInAsda · 02/07/2015 20:57

Well they can't condone that so if i were you I wouldn't tell them how you feel - they cannot approve a day off, they don't have discretion on this. They're not punishing him, they're just saying legally he has to be in school so this is the solution.

...However, do check him very carefully for illness that morning, won't you OP?!

Purplepoodle · 02/07/2015 20:57

Could u take him out for the day to somewhere fun and educational, local castle, science museum - they school can't argue against that

mygrandchildrenrock · 02/07/2015 21:01

YRNBU and I say that as someone who works in education and has a son with AS. I think option 3 of cansu's post says it all.

Sirzy · 02/07/2015 21:02

I would keep him off.

I also wonder why if they are aware of his issues with sweets they decided of all the roald Dahl books available it had to be that one and that trip. Seems rather insensitive to me.

Original poster

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 02/07/2015 21:05

I have no idea Sirzy, i have asked that question and got a very non-committal sort of answer.

Suffice to say, its this book and the work around it that ended up with ds having such a serious meltdown last week he punched a teacher and ended up in internal exclusion.. we've also had a couple of days of absolute refusal to attend school, both of which are firsts for him, so its obviously stressing him out.

OP posts:

Tuskerfull · 02/07/2015 21:10

YANBU, I would keep him at home and try and teach him whatever they'll be learning at the factory but in relation to another food. So if they are learning how chocolate is made I'd maybe take him to a farm to show him how cereals are grown and then processed... or another food that he is okay with. I don't see how the school could moan at that.

Notthecarwashagain · 02/07/2015 21:13

I'd also keep him off.

MrsEvadneCake · 02/07/2015 21:15

I'd send a letter saying he will be educated off site that day. Then keep him at home.

kickassangel · 02/07/2015 21:21

I'd be very tempted to complain about the choice of book and to remind them that he has a medical need which they are ignoring and making worse. Would they choose to study the Olympics, complete with everyone doing extra sports, if a kid was in a wheel chair, then have a day trip out to a local sports club? It's hugely insensitive!

thatsshallot · 02/07/2015 21:31

I disagree that it's insensitive, you can't discount a topic or trip on the basis of one pupil, and I'm afraid I think that he should go in and be with year 2, just as DS has to if he can't stay with his class due to his health needs.

He is not being penalised or punished, unfortunately his complex needs are not compatible with the educational trip and thus the school have considered this and provided him with an alternative for the day. I can see why you would be tempted to keep him off but slippery slope

TinyManticore · 02/07/2015 21:31

I would definitely do something else with him. It's no wonder he would view it as a punishment.

littlejohnnydory · 02/07/2015 21:33

I would keep him home and take him on an alternative trip.

littlejohnnydory · 02/07/2015 21:34

Slippery slope to what, Shallot?

Sirzy · 02/07/2015 21:35

Thatshallot - would it be right for a class with a child with a peanut allergy to carry out an experiment burning peanuts?

If there was a diabetic child in the class would you agree it was unfair to visit cadburys world?

Sometimes needs of students do need to be taken into account when planning and things reconsidered as much as possible.

TheHouseOnBellSt · 02/07/2015 21:35

YANBU. IGNORE those saying you're being unreasonable. They obviously don't know how hard people with sensory processing disorders have to work on a daily basis to keep them in control.

He can develop a D&V on the day before the trip and have TWO days off. He can go where he'd like.

duckydinosaur · 02/07/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/07/2015 21:39

I have to disagree about it being insensitive as well. It is unfair, but not in the greater context, if that makes sense? It's unfair that your son, through no fault of his own (or anyone else), can't join in on the trip.

I don't think it's unreasonable to make other arrangements for him though, of your own choosing. However, I agree it has to be a fun learning experience, not just a day at home. That's what the rest of his year are doing. Preferably something within the context of what they are learning about, so you have a better argument for the HT.

QueenofLouisiana · 02/07/2015 21:41

They do have a duty to ensure he receives an equal educational experience. How are they planning to do that? Perhaps asking them what provision they are making for this experience may sharpen their awareness of his needs a little. A day in yr2 is unlikely to cover this!

ltk · 02/07/2015 21:41

I agree the topic and trip should have been reconsidered, but given how far ahead planning happens, it may not have occured to anyone. As things stand you should keep him off and do something he would enjoy.

thatsshallot · 02/07/2015 21:41

Don't be ridiculous, I did not say he should do the trip, of course he shouldn't, but letting him stay off when is a school day is giving the wrong message. I think the school have offered an appropriate alternative in putting him in another class.

Justwhy · 02/07/2015 21:42

I would definitely keep him home and do something fun with him instead. Just write a note to the class teacher explaining.

I would not get hung up on whether they did it deliberately. Accept that you have made the decision in the best interests of your child and move on. Could you find a link to a different Roald Dahl book or perhaps spend the day building a chocolate factory?

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