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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's actually really difficult to make friends

89 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 03/03/2015 16:26

Or is it just me who struggles? I never used to; I don't mean I was ever a massively popular person, but I always had friends.

But now, I don't, and I don't know where to start.

Is it just me? I sometimes think it might be!

OP posts:

ChampagneTastes · 03/03/2015 16:29

It can be. It depends on the situation and how confident you are I guess. What is your situation? Are you in a new town for example? What have you done so far to try to make friends?

funnyossity · 03/03/2015 16:31

I think many people don't have the time in their lives for new friends once into adulthood.

It's not you!

AuntieDee · 03/03/2015 16:32

It's much easier when you can find a shared Interest like a hobby or a child. I've just moved into a new area and am struggling a bit too - met horsey people but not really anyone I could call a friend :(

TheSkyIsAwake · 03/03/2015 16:34

YANBU. I would kill for friends. I've tried toddler groups, school run mums but I'm younger than them and they don't seem interested.

Royalsighness · 03/03/2015 16:37

I'm 23 and I have one friend, I've been her friend since I was 14. I've made friends and decided to distance myself from them after I shared personal info with them which they chose to spread as a bit of gossip, as well as trying to encourage me to gossip about others to cause drama. I'm just not interested in these sort of friendships and find it really hard to trust people when those sort of things happen. Maybe I am looking for more in a friend than chatting shit and drinking coffee for half an hour every few weeks and this is why I struggle?

PiggyBeekman · 03/03/2015 16:39

YANBU. I moved around a bit with work when I was younger. I joined a sports team, and did some night school courses, but never made any real lasting friendships before I moved on again. I've been where I am now for about 10 years, made friends mainly through work, and in my 30's I joined my local Ladies Circle which has been fab - instant friendship group!

It's hard though, even just finding time meeting people you click with and then cultivating that friendship.

thesmallestpotato · 03/03/2015 16:40

I think it's almost impossible as an adult, I'm slowly realising that I'll just have to accept I'm not going to have friends. I have people I say hello to on the school run and at toddler groups but they already have their own friendship circles and I don't think they need or want any new friends. When DS started school I was quite optimistic about making friends and I've really tried but I just don't think it's going to happen.

maddening · 03/03/2015 16:41

I have long standing friends but I find it hard to get past the "people I know" stage eg at toddler groups there were people I always chatted to but never got beyond that but many of them became closer friends as they chatted about meeting up etc (these were specific groups such as baby massage etc and none of us knew each other beforehand) so they had developed friendships beyond the group but I never managed to.

ClockwiseCat · 03/03/2015 16:54

YANBU in that it is hard to make friends but YABU to let that put you off.

We moved around for DH's job which meant starting over away from friends and family. I have some friends here but I really had to work at it and be the one doing the inviting out for coffees etc. Some people are just lazy about making arrangements but are happy to go out and do stuff. Over time they begin to make arrangements but you have to persist

sqibble · 03/03/2015 16:55

I think it's hard if you're not in the situation where you're with people a lot of the time. I remember making friends fairly easily at work and at college, where you're with them all day. But when it's five minutes here and there it's hard.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 03/03/2015 16:56

Glad, but sad, it isn't just me!

thesmallest - that post was depressingly accurate

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 03/03/2015 16:59

It is hard and sad.

I've met friends through social groups like Meet Up. A friend has met friends through salsa dancing and walking groups.

Work is easy, college can be easy but then carrying it on outside college/work can be hard.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/03/2015 17:00

WI also can be good (I've been to mine not all the time and if you like what they do a lot are friendly).

Storm15 · 03/03/2015 17:01

We moved to a new area 18 months ago and I've really struggled to make any friends. I'm in my 30's with 3 young children so I assumed I'd make friends through school / nursery and my husband would meet people through work. It just hasn't happened. Nobody seems that interested in being friends with us, friendship circles already seem to be established and nobody seems interested in expanding their circle. We had loads of couple friends and I had lots of girlfriends where we lived before - we really miss our old social life and we both feel a bit down about it. Most of our socialising takes place over Facebook these days...lame! YANBU.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 03/03/2015 17:03

In a way Storm I'm glad it isn't just me as people keep brightly saying how easy it is to meet people with babies and it ISN'T!

OP posts:

YouWakeUpFlawless · 03/03/2015 17:05

Your not alone. I'm 23, a decade younger than everyone, and I find it so hard every week to stand at toddler groups watching all the other mums chatting away.

ClockwiseCat · 03/03/2015 17:09

No OP it is not EASY to meet people with babies but it is EASIER than many alternative methods! You have one thing in common - your children. It is bloody hard work, especially if you are the one doing the running and organising but it is worth it longterm if you will be staying in the area. I've also made good friends through an evening class. But YOU have to be the one who initiates things if they are already settled and have friends.

All of the friends I have met here already have family and friends in the area. They have no need for new friends but that doesn't mean they don't want any. It just means that my need is greater than theirs so it's only normal that I have to do the legwork. Over time it will pay off, I promise you, but it might take a couple of years before it feels truly reciprocal.

cinders456 · 03/03/2015 17:09

I feel similar. Always had friends at school, but since having children I seem to have lost my way a bit. Gonna have to get out there a bit and come out of my shell. Feel like I've lost my confidence!
So OP, you are not alone. Thank you for starting this thread!

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 03/03/2015 17:11

and if they aren't interested in the things you initiate cat - then what would you do?

I just don't know if it is always possible. People have their own friends and often relatives too and partners.

OP posts:

Claybury · 03/03/2015 17:13

Perhaps you think people 'already have their own friendship circles ' but really people are always happy to meet new friends.
There was a post on here months ago similar to yours. The best reply said something like you make friends through 'repeated regular contact' with others. Hence work place friendships. This really resonated with me. You don't become 'friends' on first or second meeting. It takes ages and often requires something in common.
I have a few good friends. However I have lots and lots of people I'm friendly with through activities in common - eg running. We run together and chat, sometimes we eventually find we have other stuff in common, children the same age. Sometimes we have little in common but can still pass the time of day.
If you wish to make friends ( and not everyone does ) I suggest taking up a new activity. You could for example learn to play bridge. You could take a course of swimming lessons. Or a dance class. Get a dog and go to dog training classes. You may bond with the other people because you are learning something together and seeing each other regularly. If you do this, and after one meeting decide you don't like anyone, you still have to go back. It takes time to know someone
I don't find it difficult to make friends at all. However I can see it takes effort and you need to put all your insecurities aside and just be yourself. And give people time.
Also I live in a city. In the countryside I struggled because I didn't fit in. I also struggled when I was an expat. So I know what it can be like.

thesmallestpotato · 03/03/2015 17:14

I have to say I think I've brought a lot of this on myself though, I had a boyfriend all through uni so kind of hung around with him and didn't really make friends, we split up when we graduated, I got a job in a very small lab (made two friends there, only see them briefly about once a year now we live so far apart now), then I got a job as a field based sales rep based from home so no colleagues only customers dotted about the uk, met DH online, had children but too frightened to breastfeed in public so didn't go to baby groups. DS started school, everyone else has already established their friendship groups.

So maybe in my case it is just me. Sometimes I think I should advertise in advance for people to come to my funeral if I die just so my parents arent disappointed in me when no one turns up!

ClockwiseCat · 03/03/2015 17:16

Then you ask them a couple of times and if they say no, you smile, say no problem and ask someone else. Also you are worrying me by your turn of phrase - I just asked if they wanted to get a coffee some time rather than inviting them pole dancing or skydiving :o

Just to be clear - when I talk to people I do get a vibe fairly quickly if they're the kind of people I want to spend time with. So I ask them to meet up. Some of them say, 'Oh yeah great,' but it never happens. If I ask twice and they're noncommittal I know they're not getting the 'we could be friends' vibe. That's fine because it works the other way too - a couple of people have asked me to things but it just never happens and if I'm honest - the vibe isn't there.

ISaySteadyOn · 03/03/2015 17:17

turquoise, I know what you mean. I have initiated several times and gotten brushed off. YANBU.

thesmallestpotato · 03/03/2015 17:19

That's good advice claybury and clockwork cat

WitchesGlove · 03/03/2015 17:20

Incidentally, what was going to a Meet Up event like, previous poster?

I want to extend my friendship group a bit, but I'd feel very nervous just turning up to one.

Still, I'm sure it's great when you've been a few times.

I have some friends, but most can't go out that much, so I guess I just want to socialise a bit more etc.

I have also applied for some St Johns Ambulance volunteering, so hopefully I'll meet people through that.

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