to think it's actually really difficult to make friends

[turquoiseamethyst]

Or is it just me who struggles? I never used to; I don't mean I was ever a massively popular person, but I always had friends.

But now, I don't, and I don't know where to start.

Is it just me? I sometimes think it might be!

Steady don't take it personally when you get brushed off. Just ask other people instead. Or get to know people better in that setting first (be it baby group, evening class, whatever) and then let it evolve naturally.

cat - I know :) but honestly people don't seem interested.

I think for most mums with babies they are juggling partners, relatives and existing friends - another woman is someone else to fit into the day.

I can't really take up a hobby because I have the children. Besides, I think I'd have the same problem.

Ok the school run is tricky.
If your DC's school has an event for which parents are needed to help, a fair maybe , then volunteer. You may think everyone knows everyone else but I have brought up 3 kids and eventually you realise they don't all know each other - and so what if they do ? Just get involved and be friendly.
When your DC's have friends over and are collected do you invite the parent in for a cup of tea ?

Oh, I don't take it personally. I just meant it as a part of why it's harder to make friends as an adult.

only one of the children is at school, he doesn't really have friends over.

DH minded DC while I went to my nightclass once a week. If you don't mind me saying I think you've maybe had your confidence knocked when people didn't seem eager to meet up, instead of just thinking, 'Oh maybe she's busy at the minute.'

It is a difficult situation (I know this!) and it takes time

I felt like this a few years ago.

The only 'friends' I had were people I knew from Uni that I was at a different life stage to who only seemed interested in me between boyfriends. It would be occasional texts and maybe meet up once or twice a year.

I felt really lonely and isolated.

However several years on it's so different! I reconnected with old school friends through friends reunited (remember that?) and then Facebook.

I got involved in a couple of new hobbies and over the years have made lots of new friends that way. One person leads to another and another. It does mean travelling quite far for meet ups but I'm so much happier for having these new people in my life. I even made some friends indirectly via mumsnet!

I think 'the other site' has quite a good meet up section if you want to make local 'mummy friends'.

I'd say be really proactive. Go to the same places at the same time every week. Once you've seen someone a couple of times and said hello take the initiative and ask to meet for coffee after school/class/whatever.

Try to get phone numbers and text people. Try to smile, make eye contact, be positive.

I think people want to feel liked/wanted.

I just asked if they wanted to get a coffee some time

No, no, no!

You ask if they'd like to come/go for a coffee tomorrow/ on Friday morning or similar.
If someone says a vague might you want to do something I'd give a vague answer yes, I might like to do something. A firm invite requires a firm answer, yes or no, and if it's a no there's a chance to arrange another more suitable date.

They might refuse, but that's the worst that can happen, but is prob better than being left hanging, not knowing if you're going to get together or not.

Yanbu. I would love to have friends myself.

Last week i was taking my child to swimmming class and another mum, lets call her x was changing her child as well. She is relatively new, i said hello, how are you, isnt the weather getting better, etc, the usual. Then another mum i have been friendly with came, lets call her y. She also said hi to x, and then x asks y about nurseries in the area and they chat for 10 mins or so about how difficult it is to find chilcare. Not a word to me even though i was right there and had said hello to but of them just before.

I can only assume it is me :(

It is. I once read an article about why it was so hard to make friends in modern adulthood, and the bit that stuck with me was that an essential ingredient in the development of friendships was "frequent, unplanned interactions".

So you might know someone through something (work, activity, education), and see them regularly there, but also run into them at the corner shop, or the cafeteria, or the bus stop or whatever. This type of interaction was much more common when we were young (e.g., in school or Uni) and in the past where there were local interactive communities. Such 'extra' interactions enables people to shift from thinking of someone as "that person at work" to a multifaceted individual. And then its not so weird to plan to do things outside of your regular way of meeting them, as you've already interacted outside that environment.

I can see this in my own life. At the moment I know people from Mum/baby group, but I've never interacted with them in any other way than in a room full of people and babies and toddlers. It's hard to the make the jump from that to inviting them out for a one-on-one session. It seems weird to me, and also a bit odd -- why would I chose one person over another?

And then everone is so busy! I finally have a lunch date with a woman from work that we've been trying to set up since November. I went out to coffee with another person I consider a work-friend and remembered that it was my turn to pay -- because the last time we went to coffee had been directly after the same ANNUAL event, and I hadn't brought my wallet to the event the previous year. Does coffee once a year a friend make? I hope so, because for me, that's among my closest interactions. We do pass each other every couple months and say "hi" as well.

I know this feeling. I have got maybe a couple of friends and that's it. Unfortunately and rather nastily, the friendship groups I was part of before sort of, well, gradually started excluding me when I became more and more disabled and less mobile. Most of their, if not all of their socialising is done in the pub and because I can't and don't drink anymore, they just started ignoring me, 'forgetting' to invite me and then eventually some of them admitted they are embarrassed when I'm there because of my crutches and they think people are staring at the group and they are apparently also worried that they won't be able to go in pubs/clubs/bars if i'm there because of the crutches. I spend 99% of my time alone now but i'm okay with it, i don't need people who are embarrassed to be seen with me in my life. I do get sad and feel lonely and isolated though but being alone is better than feeling like everyone thinks you are an embarrassment and a burden

onelittlelady, they will be embarrassed in years to come by their behaviour when they look back.

I agree it is tricky when you are older.
I have started working for myself part time from home after working for a long time in a busy pharmacy in a supermarket. I left my job after a joint decision with my partner when he received a work promotion that includes travel for most of the working week which due to my working hours would not have been possible.
My children are high school age so I dont go to any social groups with them, and I am in my late 30's and I also dont drive.

I am determined to pass my test this year and try to get out and join some groups ie book clubs,

I would also like to make friends with other couples as the few friends I do have are single and like to go clubbing while I prefer dinner parties, eating out and going to nice pubs for stuff like quiz nights and generally chilled out catch ups.

I know it will be difficult but I will persevere.

joan I actually DO hope they will be embarrassed in years to come. They ought to be ashamed of themselves for behaving so horribly over a pair of crutches. Still, being alone is preferable to being around people who think that way

Excellent post by Claybury on P1.

I don't find it difficult to make new friends at all, but then I'm quite an 'outgoing' person - I'm more likely to be the person you edge away from at the bus stop because I've engaged you in conversation, than someone 'blanking' you anywhere.

I start with the assumption that everyone likes to make new friends, rather than starting with the thought that "no-one will want to be my friend", and I think that comes over in your manner.

Obviously if you are shy then it's going to be more difficult.

I don't know if it's related, but I don't "take offence" like so many posters on MN seem to. I don't think it's anything personal if some other people go somewhere nice and I'm not part of that group. I'm understanding that sometimes people know each other really well /have a shatred history and it's fine if they don't immediately envelope me in that love. I don't "count" who invited me anywhere or whose turn it is to do the asking or arrange the lift or whatever. If I fancy doing something, they I do it, if I don't then I just say 'no thanks'.

I can do the small talk, I can get people to laugh with me but I do not know how to take it to the next stage.

I lack the confidence to ask them for a coffee and most of the women at the school already seem to have their friendship groups which were made when their children were at nursery (I did not live here then).

I do fear rejection and can't bring myself to make the next step. I met my best friend when our kids were at nursery, but that was the first day where people were looking to form friendships.

I seem to be quite well liked in the sense that I can go out and talk to people easily, people find me funny and easy to talk to but no one seems to make the first move into taking it further.

I find it all a bit too much like dating.

I did join a meet up social group but never actually went to any of the get togethers.

It's easy to assume everyone wants to make new friends but I just don't think this is true unless you happen to have a particularly charming or engaging personality, which I don't.

I find it really easy to make friends to have coffee, go to movies with but find it really hard to find my people, the ones who make me cry with laughter and I can tell anything no matter how awful and know I won't be judged, which is why I have the same three friends I've had since I was a teenager I have recently met a school mum who I think has the same sense of humour as me and we're going to sort out a girls night out soon with some of the other mums., saying that I do have friends from a wide range of people age wise and I like most people

Onelittlelady they will all let each other down over the years when they themselves face difficulties. I hope you meet nicer genuine friends you can trust.
Op my only advice is to keep being friendly and don't take it personally if someone doesn't reciprocate - just move on and be friendly to someone else

I am conscious of being horrendously dull, as have no job or life really outside DCs; I am also very fat. I don't blame people for not wanting to spend time with me.

Turquoise there are lots of people whose sole lives are centered round their children - just try and meet like-minded mums/dads who you can chat to about kids etc.
I may be being niave but I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be friends with someone just because they are carrying weight - and if they were to base friendships on looks then they wouldn't be worth bothering with.

Its not just you. Its also about age. I read somewhere that we peak with our friends around the age 29.

I do remember having 65 people to my 30th birthday and then about 20 to my 35th.

I don't think I'd be able to rustle up 5 now, for my 45th (but I am overseas a long way from old friends).

Turquoise - if you are happy with the way things are , great. But it sounds like you might like to make some changes. Is there a positive step you can take towards establishing a new hobby ? How about a weight watchers group as you say you are overweight ? Or a reading group at the library ? Having children is hard work, and inevitably you don't have freedom to pursue interests in the early years. But gradually as they grow it is possible, and desirable, to try to re establish a sense of self. Even an activity just one night a week might be enjoyable.
It's really not the case that only people with charming personalities have friends!! However it is helpful to have a friendly / cheerful disposition at first.
Could your eldest child invite a classmate over to play ?

maybe he could :)

i'm not happy with how things are but I am terrified to meet people as they realise how stupid I am

You're very fat?

Oh. Shame there are no other very fat people around for you to pal up with