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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's actually really difficult to make friends

89 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 03/03/2015 16:26

Or is it just me who struggles? I never used to; I don't mean I was ever a massively popular person, but I always had friends.

But now, I don't, and I don't know where to start.

Is it just me? I sometimes think it might be!

OP posts:

Madbess · 05/03/2015 13:28

Turquoise- you say other people are just so 'busy.' But you are extremely busy with 3 DC's! You must be !! Life doesn't get much busier than that. So I don't imagine you are less 'busy' than anyone. It may be your social life at the moment will need to revolve around your pre school children - are there any activities for young children you can try ?
Secondly. 'Busy' people still have friends. In fact busy people make time for the things they want it do, that's often why they all busy.

cailindana · 05/03/2015 13:32

We weren't friends yet when she brought it up murmur, she just mentioned taking her 'mad pills' and said "I suffer from depression" and that was that. I learned more about it as time went on, obviously, but all she did was drop it into conversation - she didn't expect any particular response or anything. I've also done the same thing - when I had PND I said "I have PND, but I'm on meds and it's getting better," to people I met at toddler groups etc. It's just a fact about yourself, there doesn't need to be any particular secrecy around it, unless you feel the need to keep it quiet for some reason? People might not believe you but who cares?

Purplehonesty · 05/03/2015 13:41

I think that's it, you move to an area and its hard to make friends as most people already have their circle. They've all been friends since school/uni/baby massage and don't. need or want any more.

I have a few people I would call friends but only one real friend who I can be myself with and would call on in an emergency. The others are in a group of their own and occasionally invite me to join in if they remember.
It's depressing.

cailindana · 05/03/2015 13:52

I haven't found the same thing Purple. I still have friends from school/uni but I live very far away from them and my current friends are people I've only met in the last three years or so. Two of them I would count among my closest friends.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 05/03/2015 14:47

I think as an adult, I just don't have time for expanding my circle. I bearly see the family and friends I've got and sometimes feel I don't spend enough time with them. It's not you op.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/03/2015 16:28

Lois I think either you need/want to expand your circle - it happens organically (eg through work, interests etc) or you don't...

It's interesting speaking to various people over the years how they met their friends - eg at work, my mum met one of her closest friends in her 30s at Teacher Training College, at meditation groups etc... other friends have met through various interests and me through friends of friends recently.

I also think different friends are for different stages/purposes - eg some people have the party/fun friend, some people make friends at NCT groups etc.

I hate to say it but after about 2 years ago when I had a good close friend (not a best one) who turned out to be nasty, didn't believe my version of events over someone elses etc then I've finally ditched the best friend mould.

sadly a very close friend (not best) died 10 years ago, she was a close friend I knew at 25 and I wish in a way I'd been more of a best friend to her.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to do the best friends with people (so I don't generally do it) and tend to keep them at arms length though with one person it's getting easier and we're closer recently because we talk and realise that friendships go through stages. Does that make sense?!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 06/03/2015 17:38

Yes it does make sense, maybe on some level that's why I don't want any more friends, its more people to let down or be let down by iyswim.

Moniker1 · 07/03/2015 08:49

But how much time do we spend online. That is a huge change from only, what, 5 years ago?

Also there is round the clock viewing of tv, dvds, downloaded stuff. Constant emails and facebook.

All that must make a difference to how much people feel they need more friends. There's probably only time for one or two close ones.

Nolim · 08/03/2015 11:57

I wrote last weeks about a couple of mums , x and y, in my dc swimming class who basically ignored me even though i was polite and friendly towards them. Today there was another mum, lets call her z, who had not been in the class for the last few weeks. So i say hello to everyone, x and y chat again about nurseries and such and x asks z if she has her number so they can get together or something. It was only the four of us and x did not say anything to me other than hello.

So once again i can only assume it is me :(. The only obvious thing that makes me different from them is that english is not my first language but i can communicate fluently and have done so in this group.

The positive "highlight" is that y asked if i was ok. I was not, i was upset for something else. It is the first times in months that someone other than dp asks if i am ok unless i am visibly ill!

SuperFlyHigh · 08/03/2015 12:25

nolim some people I find have to find something to talk about in those circumstances hence why nurseries and get together are an ice breaker.

Have you asked them over/out/any other questions than just hello, how are you?

Also if someone asks if you're ok then it means that you're on their radar and again another prompt for a talk (even if you didn't feel like it).

Nolim · 08/03/2015 12:31

Thanks for your reply flyhigh.

I mainly comment on the usual trivialities such as the weather, isnt the pool nice, oh is your dc walking already, any plans for the holidays, etc.

I just wished i had been included in the get together or nursery discussion!

Ragwort · 08/03/2015 13:09

I think some people have a tendancy to think their friends must be like them.

Back has made some really good comments further up the thread about making friends. I find it incredibly easy to make friends - I move around a lot and I always make a huge effort to join things - I must have been on about 6 different PTAs. I don't think I am particularly 'special' but what I do is get involved, help out in the community, volunteer to do things - read the local newspaper and find out what needs doing. Of course I don't like everyone I meet but I do meet lots of people I get on with.

And I have lots of hobbies and interests, anyone who says they doesn't have 'time' for a hobby does somehow sound a bit boring ........ sorry to be blunt but surely everyone can find twenty minutes a day to read a book and discuss it. I know some people who constantly moan that they 'can't make friends' .......... but quite frankly some of them are incredibly dull, have no interests, never initiate anything and have nothing to talk about. I have one acquaintance that I tend to meet every few months - we go out for a coffee and she literally has nothing to say. It's such an effort to be with her.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/03/2015 15:47

nolim I'd just keep plugging away. Maybe approach the woman who asked if you were ok next time and try a convo with her.

Lots of women I don't know/know well it's the first step approach. It can be awkward especially if you're there for eg swimming stuff. You and they can't mindread!

toffeeboffin · 08/03/2015 23:45

Been reading this thread with interest and think I can offer some advice.

Ask people lots of questions about themselves and seem interested in the answers. People love talking about themselves! Compliment people but not in a sickly way. It's almost like flirting, but less suggestive

Join some social groups that interest you. Mum and toddler groups are good.. But I find that I'm too preoccupied looking after DS than chatting because he just won't sit still!

The best place to meet friends is work... As someone mentioned, it's unforced, frequent interaction.

I don't seem to have problem making friends, but keeping them takes effort.. And it takes a long time to make an old friend.

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