to think it's actually really difficult to make friends

[turquoiseamethyst]

Or is it just me who struggles? I never used to; I don't mean I was ever a massively popular person, but I always had friends.

But now, I don't, and I don't know where to start.

Is it just me? I sometimes think it might be!

Are you me? :)

Before I had kids I had lots of friends. Now... :(

We've moved, we moved over seven years ago to a small town and I just haven't found my people. It seems like the parents either have tons of money and live in big nice houses in the lake, and I'd feel awkward inviting them to our little shack, or...well, they seem like they could appear on the Jeremy Kyle show. I'm not a snob and have always been able to be friends with anyone, but I'm not comfortable letting my DC be around people who scream and swear etc, or let the kids watch YouTube unsupervised for hours or play Grand Theft Auto.

I do have one woman in town I visit for coffee (she owns the bookstore and I pop in for coffee and a chat, or she comes over once or twice a month in the morning and we do coffee). We're friends so it's nice I do have her. :) But I see all these people on FB having meetups with their kids and doing bonfires, going to films, shopping days out...it just makes me feel lonely.

I do have two really good friends but we don't live close to each other anymore. One is a few hours drive and the other (we have been close since we were eight) moved 1000 miles away two years ago.

I feel the same too. A lot of folk where I live mostly have lots of family close by and friends they went to school with and so on. I don't have that background so its always easy to feel on the back foot. Have also had the brush off, probably because I;m not that trendy or girly or even thin enough ( as sad as that sounds written down..)

I have to disagree with you on that fizzy - I'm older than you but have made some new friends along the way over recent years as well as when I was younger than you. If anything, I'd say I had much more of a problem limiting numbers for my 50th than I would have earlier in life. That is not in any way written with a boastful intent, but I do often wonder when these threads appear if I have a different measure of what "a friend" is ?? To me, it's someone I enjoy spending time with. I don't think I've ever 'decided' that I'm going to make a friend today, or this week, or to 'make friends with someone from this group'. Friendships eveolve through being chatty and being a good listener, and - yes, through being prepared to get out of your comfort zone a bit sometimes. There's no 'formula' but I should imagine it would be very off putting to people to get a vibe that someone was searching for a friend, when they started to pass the time of day. You just take things a day at a time, and some people you chat with always remain at that 'acquaintance' level, and others disappear off your radar altogether, and some become closer friends, but there's no predicting which ones - friendship grows gradually as you get to know each other.

Have you tried the National Womens Register (used to be National Housewives Register) it was set up for SAHMs who were going out of their minds with boredom . ?
I have moved around a lot and have always made an effort to keep in touch (email/facebook briliant for that) and now we are older we try and meet up (scattered over UK) .
I would say I have about 8 ' can talk to you about anything, standby you through anything' friends, (and I'm 64) but I have a lot of friends who are much more than acquaintances -through 2 Book clubs, a Walking Group, French conversation class, a break -away group of 6 of us from above NWR (we have met regularly for 25 years), ex work colleagues. Interestingly I have only one friend 'left' from the days of babies/toddlers, but she is one of my 8.

I'm sure you arent stupid OP . I agreee helping out at school functions is a good start and maybe going onto PTA if there is one . And maybe pursuing something you are really interested in .
I think 'couple' friends are much harder to find though ....

Backforgood

I think you're more sociable than I am. I am one level above hermit.

Quite possibly I am. I would be very sad without people to chat to.
However, if you are one level above a hermit, I suggest it might be that that means you have fewer friends as you have got older, and not the fact you are getting older

As post says, you need to activly take part in something that interests you, that other people are also taking part in - whether that's something you can do with your dc, or whether you get someone to look after them now and then to take part in something without them. There are just trillions of things you can do, depending on what your interests are.

YANBU, I've found this to be the worst part of being a SAHP. I have a couple of really good friends that I've known since my 6th form years. However, one lives 4 hours away and the other moved about 3 hrs away 2 year ago. I made a couple of friends through NCT but our children are at different schools now and people are 'busy' so I don't really see them anymore. I have made one 'good' friend that is a mum at DS's school and our DD's are friends and go to the same preschool. However, I can see her intensely over a week with our girls and then she doesn't appear to have time to chat - I feel like I'm imposing on her time. I always think I'm doing that though so I don't really ask people if they want to meet with me, usually wait to be asked!

Prior to children. I had a great job in London, where socialising was easy as a lot of people were at the same stage in their lives as me and had no responsibilities.

I'm getting married this year but can't imagine having a hen party as I'm not sure more than 3 people would turn up! Or it would be an awkward gathering of different people that don't have any connection to each other. DP due to work but also just in general, has a lot more friends to have a night out with. It's really shit actually as it used to not be the case.

I have a tendancy to assume that someone already has a group of friends and they wouldn't want another one ie wouldn't want to be friends with me. But there seems to be lots of people who want friends out there so this can't be the case. Sometimes you have to make the first move and try and make friends. I've done this recently and have made a few friends by just assuming they do want to meet up with me rather than assuming they don't and therefore not even asking

That's very waffly I hope that makes sense

I have 2 friends. That's it. And I only met one of those because she was dating the other. I have known him since I was born and we are like siblings.
I have had friends along the way, but school friends drifted off, and I was dropped by 2 people I considered close friends when I was diagnosed with a serious condition.
I think I am better off without the last 2, but it hurt at the time.I think it has put me off making any new friends in case they run a mile when I tell them about my illness.

I've thought of something else before I get banished from the thread

I think some people have a tendancy to think their friends must be like them. People have already mentioned on here about 'other parents not wanting to be frineds as I'm younger than them' or 'other people in this area live in big posh houses and wouldn't want to come to my shack'. I 100% disagree with this - you can make friends with people who are YEARS older or younger than you, or who are from different cultures or financial positions or different educational backgrounds.

I was thinking about this the other day, funnily enough - my dd2 has a hobby, and the parents are all really different, in terms of the jobs we do, our accents, our income (I should imagine), where we live, our qualifications, and any other thing you could suggest, but we all get along really well, because we don't focus on the differences, we focus on what we have in common.
Again, I went to a funeral a few weeks ago, and the Church was packed. The lady who had died was 96, and had a very small family and you might think she would have outlived all her peers and it would be a small service. However, she was a person who belonged to things, and who was always interested in talking to you, listening to you and so forth, however old you were and in whatever capacity she met you. Hence, she had lots and lots of friends.

Gah, turquoise, you do not sound remotely stupid - where did you get that idea?

I think it boils down to two things:

1. Where you live. I have lived in three places since I had DC and one place was Cliques-ville: I made about 2 friends in 5 years. Then I moved here and one particularly saintly now-friend approached me at the school gate on about Day 2 and said, 'Oh, I saw you at nursery as well: are you new here?' (NB I tried something similar myself a few times. One woman did not speak. The other gave me a death stare...)
2. Repeated contact (as pp have said). Sometimes you just have to make the running without looking desperate: arranging trips to the park with the toddler group mums you particularly get on with, or planning kid days out in the school holidays and asking people along. You can feel that you are beating your head against a wall, but you can find that things just gel. A friend and I set up a book group: we asked along our separate friends, and they asked along theirs and it's helped both to maintain friendships - because we still see each other - and build new ones.

And it takes time: 3-5 years, I reckon, to shift from good acquaintance to good friend. This is pretty tedious after the speed of such things at uni, but it can be done.

Back, I almost said that - about friends from different backgrounds, but then thought I'd gone on long enough! Some of my nicest friendships are with people who are significantly older or younger than me, or who have very different lives. I went to uni and my DC are teens+, but I get to talk about babies, grandchildren and the intricacies of carpentry.

That's interesting Back. I have friends I keep in touch with who are way older and way younger than me. I like original people who are being brave in their life choices. Sometimes I really like quite naughty and irreverent friends and other times I greatly admire people who are quite self controlled and under the radar of naughtiness. Its hard to pin down what is appealing about each one but its definitely not that they are like me. I probably hate most women like me quite a lot.

no, you can be friends with people from different backgrounds but there are times when it's not an issue for you but it is for them.

I met a woman once but she found out I'd been a teacher before DD and honestly she wouldn't stop going on about it.

moniker there aren't, not round here anyway!

Ok I stand corrected.
A lot of it is self-esteem I think and not doing the negative thinking - 'She didn't answer when I spoke to her she obviously really looks down on me' 'She made an excuse when I invited her out she obviously wants nothing to do with me' 'She looked taken aback when I approached her she obviously believes she is better than me'.

We all know these thoughts are prob wrong - but it's hard to ignore them. And hard to try a second time if you feel hurt.

There are dozens of self help books perhaps have a look on Amazon or in a book shop and see if something might help.

Louise Hay said something like -- look at yourself in the mirror 300 times a day and say clearly 'I approve of myself'. I tried it and it worked, don't know why I don't do it now!!

I don't think like that; I don't think people look down on me or don't want anything to do with me.

I think the problem is, in my experience, a lot of women are very busy. Even if they are SAHMs, they have husbands, mums, dads, sisters, brothers, other friends. If they are WOHMs, even part-time, they have all this plus a job!

I don't think I'm a terrible person or anything :) but I am just not in this situation.

I've never had many except for during a few odd periods of my life when I felt like I knew the whole neighbourhood/world...but that was hard work...I was very confident during those times but it didn't feel 'real'.

I don't like a busy social life now I have children, though I like to have casual hellos and so on with neighbours - but I never liked going for a coffee or toddler groups or anything like that as it feels like such hard work, and I always would worry I was saying or doing it wrong.

I used to know everyone at our old primary school after being there about 7 years, but then we moved and the new school is bigger, yet I have spoken to two people and neither seems to want to even say hello, really, so I am now alone in a huge crowd.

I didn't want to get involved in a lot of stuff before, but being so completely alien here feels odd and a bit of a challenge, like I feel very self conscious and think people must be looking at me and thinking 'don't like the look of her'. It's uncomfortable. But I don't see it changing as ds is in Y3 and even his classmates have got their friendship groups worked out.

I have let go the friends who wanted to stay in touch for ever, having not met since we were 14...we had nothing in common any more and it seemed pointless. Maybe that was wrong, to let it drift. But I did.

a lot of women are very busy

Very true,
But not everyone has family nearby, I never did. I suppose it depends where you are in the country, some areas have lots of incomers (good employment prospect area) and some don't.

Did you try Meetups?

it is hard to make friends. even harder to keep friendships going properly, it's time, energy and effort we all never seem to have enough.
And the biggest problem is finding the right time when everyone is free & not ill so we can actually see each other.
very very hard.
even just trying to talk on the phone - you have different routines or more urgent things to attend to. and you get interrupted

it's not you OP

I've moved a lot and have friends everywhere, some close, some just to chat. It is hard to make friends in that it doesn't just happen, it involves a lot of effort. The people who have lots of friends aren't necessarily charming and wonderful (I'm certainly not, I'm nice but ordinary) they just do what needs to be done to get friendships started and keep them going. You have to take chances - for example, my husband had a new colleague who's just moved to the area, as we had, and was a new SAHD. As we were both in similar circumstances (newly moved, one partner working, one SAHP) we invited them out, with the intention of befriending them. Upshot is, he is now one of my best friends - we used to see each other a few times a week when the kids were small. Now the kids are older and we're both working we meet up once a week and spend some weekends together. It took about 6 months of persistence (not stalking, honest!) on my part to get the friendship going but now it's very much 50/50.

i make friends very easy but then people stab me in the back easily too as well

This is making me sad, as I think I will never have the energy to make friends. I have health issues which leaves my ability to do stuff very limited, so I can only manage two weekend activities a month, and maybe one weeknight. Since I go to Mum/baby group once a month, that leaves only 2 socialising slots every month (actually starting to skip these to get a visit and my DD's first b-day invite in, which means I'm even less connected to the one thing where I saw people regularly). But as that's not the sort of thing you start talking about when you first meet, people probably think I don't care :(

I know it might seem hard but I think it would be fine to be open about your issues murmur - if someone let me know they were keen to socialise but struggled due to health problems I would completely take that into account and just keep inviting you with the understanding you would come when you were able. I have a friend who suffers badly from depression and often drops out of meet ups last minute. It doesn't bother me, I know what depression is like as I've had it myself, I just keep inviting and when she turns up, great. If she can't come she knows I understand.

You're NBU. I've move around a lot and I always find it really hard to find people to hang out with as there's often this kind of "clique" mentality - basically, when a group has been formed, it is really hard to join it as a latecomer. I also find that some people get a bit funny when you reach out to them with a casual suggestion to go for coffee, for example when you meet them at a playgroup. They react as if you're asking them to be best friends or something. As if you're being super needy, when you just want someone to chat casually with over a latte.

I think the vast majority of people only hang out with people they have known since school. Or maybe I'm just weird and nobody likes me... But I doubt it, as I have lots of old friends, i just find it hard to make new ones in my area!

annah - that's one of the things I'm worried about re: reaching out. It seems very weird to go from the group setting to the one-on-one, and it seems like they already do one-on-one with each other.

cailin, but were you friends already? How exactly do you broach the 'by the by, I have an invisible disability that means I have to spend most weekends doing nothing but lying down, so I won't be able to do much' when you're not even sure you're a friend yet? And most people I know are through work. A few managerial types know of my issues, and I told three work-friends, two of whom seemed to not believe me. So I'm hesitant to talk about it with people I don't know well yet, as I don't want to be office gossip ("have you heard about Murmur? She lies down all the time!"). Meeting someone I have high hopes for tomorrow (just found out we've both decided to skip last minute work-lunch events for our prearranged meeting, so I think she's at least somewhat committed to at least getting to know me) -- I wonder if I should say something? I don't know how to start, though.