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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really hurt by this?

93 replies

WhodidyousayIshouldbe · 01/03/2015 22:04

DD is 7 and has always been a daddy's girl. She will say "daddy is best" and "I only like daddy, not you". I know I shouldn't take it to heart but this week, all she has talked about is how she and her friend from school would like to be sisters and how they would like DH to marry the friend's mum rather than be married to me so they could share a mummy and daddy.

Everyone was laughing about it this afternoon at a party. Ha ha aren't they funny. Well no, actually, they aren't and it's not! I feel really hurt by it. AIBU?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 01/03/2015 22:06

Yes, 7 is too old for this kind of thing.

oldcroneat39 · 01/03/2015 22:06

Does this get picked up? The 'i only like daddy not you' comments. How does her dad respond?

Cakeybreakyheart · 01/03/2015 22:07

That's really horrible Sad You need to sit her down and talk to her about hurting people's feelings. She's old enough to understand.

Coconutty · 01/03/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHaveASleepThief · 01/03/2015 22:08

Hmm. Has she always favoured your partner or does she do it in phases?
How much quality time do you and partner spend alone with her?
Does she know what she's saying is hurting you, couldn't your partner have a quiet word with her saying how upset your getting?
FlowersCaketo you

IHaveASleepThief · 01/03/2015 22:09

Sorry meant husband not partner Blush

MrsWolowitz · 01/03/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glitterkitten24 · 01/03/2015 22:09

Very hurtful- she is definitely old enough to understand not to say mean things!

does she do it to get a reaction do you think?
What does her dad say about it?

oneowlgirl · 01/03/2015 22:09

That is such a mean thing to say & she's old enough at 7 to understand that. I'd be very upset. What does your DH say?

HexBramble · 01/03/2015 22:10

Does your DH not pick her up on this?

AlpacaPicnic · 01/03/2015 22:10

I would be hurt tbh.
It's one thing to say she loves her daddy, but another to be wishing you away. I know she probably doesn't realise how much it hurts your feelings.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/03/2015 22:11

You'd have to be inhumane not to be hurt by your child saying that to you.
I agree no it's not funny. Not in the slightest.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 01/03/2015 22:12

I'd be hurt too.

My DD is a daddy's girl, and when she was younger would always hold his hand rather than mine, insist he put her to bed etc.

she is softer towards me now, thank goodness.

Does your DP gently put her right? "Oh but what about Mummy?", reminding DD about all of the special things mummy does for her?

Someone suggested to me that I cultivate a mummy/daughter hobby that only she and I shared. Also, I started to call her by a pet name that no-one else uses.

It's hard. Flowers

TheFairyCaravan · 01/03/2015 22:14

I would be hurt too. She needs to be picked up on it not told it's funny because that will encourage her to do it more.

CrispyFern · 01/03/2015 22:16

DD went through a phase of only wanting her dad but she didn't ever try to write me out of the family! Does your DH encourage this sort of thing? Or someone else?
Do you do stuff together?

ThePinkOcelot · 01/03/2015 22:18

I would be really upset by that tbh. I dont think its funny at all. What does your dh say to her, because I certainly think he should be saying something!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 01/03/2015 22:19

I agree with pp. If my DD(6) says things that favour one parent, I pull her up on it and include both parents. Her dad and I are separated, but I will always tell her if she is being hurtful to one of us and he does also.

I would be more bothered that you DH is letting this go.

GokTwo · 01/03/2015 22:22

No wonder you are hurt, that's actually really unkind. I think it's sometimes absolutely appropriate to tell children that they have really hurt your feelings. I'd say something like "how would you feel if I said I'd prefer your friend to be my Dd rather than you? It would be very hurtful wouldn't it? Well that's how you make me feel and it's not ok."

I hope your DH is supportive of you.

mewkins · 01/03/2015 22:22

I wouldn't gently address this, I would straight away dismiss it. I think that kids pick up quite quickly on the power of words and how they can hurt people. Dd does the 'I will get abnew mummy' thing when I tell her off etc. I brush it off with a 'ok then, let me know when you find one' type of comment. It shuts down the silliness and she does it less. I think you all need to start doing that. Especially your partner who totally needs to brush off these remarks before she starts to use her favouritism to play you off against each other. I suspect that if she sees you as a united front she will stop it.

JegErEnStorNerd · 01/03/2015 22:26

Your husband should tell her off for saying that. Ask her how hurt she'd be if her Daddy told her he'd like a different daughter.

I agree with PP if she saw you as a more united front she wouldn't do this. Is she competing with you!?

Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 22:26

Your dh should be telling her that it's not nice to say those things and that she has hurt your feelings. She is old enough to know not to say mean things.

My dc love their dad but we don't let them choose who puts them to bed we take turns, even if one is howling for me and it's daddy's turn I just tell them firmly no it's daddy's turn and give them a kiss night night.

The only I like daddy comment and it you would be an immediate time out in my house as I won't let any of the kids say deliberately hurtful things to other people

missusdaly · 01/03/2015 22:27

YADNBU - that must hurt a lot.

ObsidianEagle · 01/03/2015 22:30

does your DH encourage this behaviour? Or does he tell her to stop it?

My DS says it about DH sometimes, and i always tell him its not nice as it hurts daddys feelings when he says that, and usually ask him how he'd feel if i said the same thing about him.

I tell him you should never be cruel and deliberately hurt someones feelings.

Original poster
WhodidyousayIshouldbe · 01/03/2015 22:41

Thank you for responding. DH works shifts so the time he has with DD is usually fun (generally all 3 of us but not always), whereas I do most of the practical stuff.

He does challenge her but he hasn't been around much this week and when I said I was hurt she just took it underground and started whispering about wedding plans and calling it a game.

She does try to compete with me and challenges me and we both pick her up on it. For the main part, I do push back or punish but this week has been a difficult one emotionally. I'm over tired and sensitive and she well and truly pushed my buttons!

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 01/03/2015 22:50

I can assure you OP that I was about as far removed from a Super Mum as it was possible to be Grin but one thing I absolutely never ever allowed was unkindness or cruelty. Came down on those instantly and hard. Very hard. My grown up DS is the loveliest kindest person I know and would never purposely hurt anyone or anything. I am sad for you because you must be hurting - but I do think you should act on this. It does children no harm at all to learn that adults hurt too.