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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really hurt by this?

93 replies

WhodidyousayIshouldbe · 01/03/2015 22:04

DD is 7 and has always been a daddy's girl. She will say "daddy is best" and "I only like daddy, not you". I know I shouldn't take it to heart but this week, all she has talked about is how she and her friend from school would like to be sisters and how they would like DH to marry the friend's mum rather than be married to me so they could share a mummy and daddy.

Everyone was laughing about it this afternoon at a party. Ha ha aren't they funny. Well no, actually, they aren't and it's not! I feel really hurt by it. AIBU?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/03/2015 22:53

I'm not at all surprised that you're hurt. I think that perhaps your husband needs to start doing some of the less fun stuff to take the load off you - and also, if it continues, both of your should sit down with your daughter and tell her how hurtful and rude she's being and that you don't want to hear any more of it, either of you.

Think about a suitable punishment... I would think that at 7 years old, ignoring her pointedly and going into another room (both of you without her) might show her how annoyed you BOTH are with these comments, or send her up to her room.

I understand the 'sisters' bit and wishing she was her friend's sister but the marriage thing is just wrong and completely unnecessary.

FriendlyLadybird · 01/03/2015 23:04

I'm not surprised you feel hurt. I have a DD the same age and I would be devastated if she said something like this. She and DH are very tight, but no one gets excluded.

DD and I had something of a set-to this afternoon, which resulted in both of us being in tears. The moment she saw that I was crying she was aghast and immediately climbed on my lap -- we made up.

Did your DD just think you were cross, or did she realise you were upset? It might be no bad thing to show her the latter.

BackforGood · 01/03/2015 23:04

What Mewkins said on P1.
All dc go through a phase of this - you'd be an unusual parent to make it through to your child's adulthood if they didn't let you know they hated you at some point or another. Indeed, I'd wonder if you were setting any boundaries if you did.
However, you don't need to make it into a "thing". As Mewkins said - you just reply with 'Let me know when you've found a new Mummy then and we'll see if she'll have a girl who.... {insert whatever you are picking her up on at the time}' or 'Excellent news. A rubbish Mum wouldn't take you to {inset dance or park or Brownies or Cubs or swimming etc}, so if that's the light you want to cast me in I can sit with my feet up doing something for myself tonight instead.
It just teaches them to think a bit about the effect their words have on others - an important skill to have in life.

FriendlyLadybird · 01/03/2015 23:11

But this isn't a reaction to being told off. This is constructing a scenario in which the OP is pushed out of the picture in favour of the DD's friend's mother. Much more hurtful.

What did the friend's father think about the plan, I wonder?

Peony58890 · 01/03/2015 23:17

Are you having fun while you do all the boring house/child care? Do you have a laugh? Are you daft? Or are you deadly serious and unexciting?

DoJo · 01/03/2015 23:24

It sounds like she is trying to wind you up, presumably because she knows that you are at a low ebb at the moment and is able to get away with it. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but I do think you need to clamp down on it every time as soon as you feel a bit more resilient.

CrapBag · 01/03/2015 23:28

YANBU. My 4 year old gets the 'I want daddy to do it' phases and as the SAHM I get hurt by it because I want her to want me.

I would find what your 7 year old is doing very hurtful and I agree with everyone else, she is old enough.

If you do challenge her, will she see it as a "ha ha I can hurt mummy when she upsets me" way? Or can you do what someone else suggested and say things like (in a bright and breezy way) "oh i'll need to move away from you and daddy then for x's mum to move in" and things along those lines so she doesn't see how it hurts?

I don't know, it's a fine line as I think she needs to know it's not on to hurt your feelings like that but so easy children can and will use it if they want to hurt you at times.

Poppet1974 · 01/03/2015 23:35

I would be hurt and furious in equal measure, she is totally disrespecting you!
You definitely need to speak to her about hurting your feelings. I wouldn't stand for this at all - YADNBU to be hurtSadAngry

DixieNormas · 01/03/2015 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/03/2015 04:03

Ouch that's really hurtful.

I wonder if daddy can be hurt and upset for you? So you get to brush it off in some of the cool ways posters have suggested, 'ah good I don't have to do X anymore for you' type stuff,,, and DH gets to do emotion to show the impact of her words.

Not, 'oh mummy will be so upset' not at all! But this:
' I am so very very upset that youd exclude mummy from our family, she's wonderful and I love her so much, I'm so upset you'd behave so badly towards the woman I love' etcetera

Do you see the difference? One is kind of weak and pushes it all on you, & one is strong, pulls no punches and sets out very clearly what the rekationship structure of the house is... With him & you completely bonded and inseparable. It has to be he is upset with Ds, not he is upset that Ds upset you... Iyswim?

Cliffdiver · 02/03/2015 05:47

I would be really hurt.

If possible your DH needs to take on a more active role in the mundane tasks of homework / nagging to tidy room / discipline etc.

Peony58890 · 02/03/2015 06:02

You both should have words with her, telling her its unacceptable and hurtful. Then ask her how she thinks mummy feels when excluded and how would she feel if she was excluded? Help her imagine a situation when the same was to happen to her.

However, you need to do all the daily routine, bedroom tidying, jobs together with more humour and sunny way. Maybe your attitude needs to lighten and be more fun.

Why is she saying she prefers DH

HexBramble · 02/03/2015 06:19

When your DH is around for next week or maybe more, he should be "...sorry DD but Daddy must iron this/cook dinner/fix this/clean this etc etc". He has to be doing something else. He cannot be fun dad all the time, leaving you to do the mundane house stuff. When she is with you, play a game. Make cakes, pastry, paint, anything that involves fun you and her.

This isn't acceptable at all and I really feel for you.

SuisseRomandeMaman · 02/03/2015 06:28

OP how does your DH handle Mothers Day? It is coming up and might be a good time for him to direct her a little eg. DD makes you breakfast in bed. And DH explain to her why she should do it.

My DH was crap at Mothers Day but last year my DM picked him up on it. Now the DDs love spoiling me.

I have a friend in a very similar situation to you. Her DH doesn't realise the harm he is causing. He loves that his DD is a daddy's girl but lets her be quite nasty to my friend and doesn't pick her up on it. So i did it myself one day. Infact i have done it twice now. She hates me now instead of her mum. I don't care. If your DH won't step up to the mark try roping in another family member or friend to help out?

however · 02/03/2015 06:35

7 year olds are old enough to be pulled up on saying things that are deliberately hurtful.

That said, my view is that sometimes, kids are 'mean' to patents because they are 100%secure that they are loved unconditionally.

I've been there, it still hurts!

Original poster
WhodidyousayIshouldbe · 02/03/2015 07:40

Thank you again ladies, it's really helped to get this out although now I've started crying I'm finding it hard to stop!

In answer to some of the questions/comments:

DH is lots of fun, they love being together because they're both very sporty so do lots of active stuff together. I join in with things I can do, cycling, walks, etc but I'm not good at playing or sport. I take her to parties, cinema, shopping, meeting friends and we watch things on tv together, sing and cook.

DH is the homework monster and is quite tough on her so it's not all good stuff but he's her hero. I understand that as I had a similar relationship with my dad.

I also understand the sisters thing too. I'm an only child and the 2 girls are both only children. The other girl's mum is single (20 years younger than me and gorgeous but that's another matter ??) so no complaints from a dad on that side of the equation.

I'm holding tight to however's comment about unconditional love. Still doesn't make it right but takes the edge off!

OP posts:
ChipDip · 02/03/2015 07:41

Yanbu, I would be hurt too. The whispering and trying to wind you up actually is nasty behaviour, she's 7yo and well old enough to understand this. There needs to be consequences for this behaviour.

Original poster
WhodidyousayIshouldbe · 02/03/2015 07:42

The ?? was supposed to be Grin

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2015 08:23

Of course it's hurtful, you and dh should present a united front. When she does that, brush it off and humour her. If she can see it's hurting you, her manipulation is working. Get her at a calm time, and talk about feeling, and words and how they hurt people. A bit of reverse Psychology here. You do fun things with dd, whilst dh looks after the other kids. ask her to choose within reason, what she would like to do, do it occasionally, so you have some one on one time with her.

Blu · 02/03/2015 08:35

Children often 'favour' the parent they feel most insecure about and 'take it out on' the one they feel absolutely secure with.

It may be that she is anxious because of his shift working patterns that she misses him and subconsciously feels abandoned , or is jealous of his attention to you when he is home so does the 'pick me' routine to get his attention.

You are the grown up , you know she doesn't mean it and you know your child best so whether to brush it off, or whether to say 'hmmm, how would you feel if I said I would like to get a new little girl instead of you? So is that a nice thing to say about me?'.

But 7 is still v young , don't guilt trip her and don't make her responsible for your reactions . Talk it through with the other grown up in the family.

FriendlyLadybird · 02/03/2015 08:40

I think Miscellaneous's approach would be great.

firesidechat · 02/03/2015 09:08

Are you having fun while you do all the boring house/child care? Do you have a laugh? Are you daft? Or are you deadly serious and unexciting?

I hope I've read this wrong, but you seem to be blaming the op for not being "fun mum". I wasn't a bundle of laughs either, but my children still loved me and wouldn't dream of saying what this child has said.

It should have been nipped in the bud right at the start, but something needs to be done now to stop this child from being so nasty. No one wants to see their daughter become a mean girl.

firesidechat · 02/03/2015 09:12

By the way op I do think your daughter loves you obviously, but her behaviour isn't ok. There is nothing wrong with teaching a child empathy and thought for others feelings.

Bettercallsaul1 · 02/03/2015 09:25

I agree that this is extremely hurtful and no parent wants to hear it.

However, I would try to look for the root of the problem rather than just stopping your daughter from saying these things, which is really only removing the symptoms.

I think seven is a prime age for very close emotional relationships, especially with girls - it is the age for "best friends" at school with children wanting to have special one-to-one relationships with one other child. (This itself can cause problems with other children who can feel excluded.) The situation can extend to home life. You are a family of three -two equal adults and a much less powerful child. Your daughter will be very aware of this - that it is her parents who make all the important decisions and sometimes have conversations on an adult level which exclude her. I think, by trying to exclude you, your daughter is trying to swing the balance in her favour, forming an alliance with her father so thst they are the "pair", with you on the outside rather than her. The other Mum who she talks of "replacing" you with is not a rival as she knows there is no emotional connection between her and your husband.

I think your daughtet is craving a special emotional bond which may well be something she needs at this stage of development snd I would allow her to have this in the form of her friend (who she would like as a sister). I would encourage this other little girl to come round and play - more often than she does at the moment - and take them out to have fun together. Basically, allow your daughter to have a close one-to-one relationship but with someone on her own, child's level so she doesn't feel the same need to appropriate her father! Of course, "best friends" brings its own set of problems but it seems to be a developmental need in many children -possibly a rehearsal for future adult emotional relationships.

thoth · 02/03/2015 09:37

My son is a bit like this with DH, and I Have had to pull him up on it lots of times.
He understands how hurtful it is now he's older, and it's become far more infrequent thankfully.
I do worry that he's just better at being more guarded.